What We Could Have Been
by Ianuaria
Summary: A reimagining of what happened after Losing My Religion ,wishful thinking and eventual Addek endgame. If Derek had walked away from Meredith , if Addison had stayed. Slightly AU. Humor, fluff, romance along with the heartbreak that goes along with it. Complete. SEQUEL UP.
1. Chapter 1

**_What I wish had happened right after Losing my Religion._** ** _Addek all the way._**

 ** _Will update as soon as possible, there are definitely more chapters._** ** _My first ever fic, so pleeease review!_**

He watches Stevens walk defeatedly down the hospital staircase ,Karev and O 'Malley not too far behind but not too close;her grief is palpable, an impenetrable force field.

Behind him ,Addison 's voice "I guess that puts an end to the evening. "

It's not over though ,not yet, not for him.

He turns,watches Richard and Bailey and Addison walk away ,his wife's hand on the Chief's shoulder.

She's that person,he thinks to himself.Always has been.

Stoic ,calm.Matter of fact.

Takes care of things, no show of emotions, Montgomery traits to a fault.

He turns back,sees he's left with Meredith and Finn.

She should go with Izzie,he thinks distractedly, Izzie needs someone tonight, and Meredith should be there.

Yet here she is ,looking fron him to Finn, then back,and settles on him.

Walk away ,Shepherd, walk away he tell s himself .

Finn is the better man.

Let her go.Walk away.

Walk away,Derek,it's what you do best.

( _Damn it Addison, get out of my head._ )

ADDISON 'S POV

They walk down the corridor to Richard's office after Stevens has left,her and Bailey and Richard.

She's trying desperately to ignore the little tableau playing out behind them,Grey trying to choose between McDreamy and McVet.

( _The things these interns come up with. A year ago she would've teased Derek mercilessly but now,well...)_

It shouldn't matter to her,really it shouldn't. She should walk away she thinks,be a better person. A bigger person.

She's already hurt Derek enough.

She'll be a bigger person in the morning though,because right now it just hurts too much.

She leaves Richard in his office with Bailey to sort out tonight's mess and as she clicks across the catwalk in her heels she sees Grey leaving .With the vet.

( _What IS his name , she can't remember for the life of her.)_

Who cares anyway ,she thinks, and her heart leaps with joy as she sees Derek alone in the entranceway, plummets when she tracks his gaze to Grey's retreating back.

( _You deserve it,you deserve it.)_

Silently they cross the parking lot in the soft drizzling rain and get into Derek 's car. It smells like wet dog-Doc she thinks absently ,with the faintest tinge of sadness.

( _McDog is dead isn't that some sort of stupid sign oh my god Addison stop it stop being awful he was just a dog )_

For a heavy silent moment they just sit there ,then Derek pulls out onto the road and drives them home.

( _Ugh trailer)_

"I buried Doc .Over there in that clearing ."

She startles a little at his voice ,breaking the frozen silence.

"That's nice...that's what Grey wanted ,right?"

"Meredith"

"Sorry?"

"Her name is Meredith"

DEREK 'S POV

He watches her lips part ,a little puff of air escape into the cold rainy night, like someone has punched her in the stomach.

"I _know_ "she says ,and her voice is that miserable ,little- girl -lost one that has always pulled at his heart because it's so rare.

Far be it from Addison Forbes Montgomery -Shepherd to ever sound vulnerable.

In the trailer she undressed in the tiny bathroom and Derek wonders when they became ~that ~couple .

( _A memory, Addison in New York, all long legs and stockings ,shimmying out of her clothes after a long day at work.His favorite kind of stress relief.)_

"Derek give me your tux. I'll put it in with the dry cleaning."she's saying,her voice back to normal ,back to business.

So this is how it's going to be now,mundane domestic conversation,pretend it didn't happen, strangers living together.

The couple they swore they'd never be.

( _Just sign the papers Shepherd put her out of her misery.Let her go back to him.)_

He gives it to her, unknots his tie ,thinking of Meredith doing the same not half an hour ago.

Lost in thought he doesn't see Addison run her hands through his pockets -force of habit ,acquired after several washers ruined by pens and coins and once a reflex hammer - and doesn't hear her breath catch in her throat.

He does,however feel the soft black material flung in his face.

( _Addison always was prone to throwing things when she was mad.)_

The trailer door slams ,barely masking a sob, and moments later he hears her Mercedes pull out with a swoosh of mud and water.

Panties.

Meredith 's.

"I had on panties.Black.Do you see them?"

He saw them all right.

( _Way to go Shepherd, way to tell your wife you're ending it after all.)_

THE NEXT MORNING

DEREK'S POV

He wakes up cramped and stiff in the trailer ,head pounding.

( _Last nights punch was spiked?)_

Then he sees the little black heap on the floor and it comes back to him,Addison leaving the trailer,calling her a dozen times,getting the answering machine each time.

She's taken her pager though - even at a time like this she wouldn't forget it.

He throws the damn panties in the trash and drives to work.

Addison ' s car is already in the lot,and as he strides off the elevator and onto the surgical floor he's met by furtively staring nurses and doctors.

( _What?)_

He walks into his office in no mood to be doing surgery today.

He needs to end it with Addison, they've hurt each other enough,but he needs to stay away from Meredith.

 _Finn's the better man Finn 's the better man_ clamors in his head.

There's a pile of patient charts and letters on his desk like always but today is topped by a blue plastic folder that looks horribly familiar .

" _The ball's in your court Derek.You sign ,I'll sign."_

That makes it easy.

" _Have you ever thought that even though I'm an adulterous bitch and Satan that I still might be the love of your life,Derek?"_

That makes it hard.

She must have put it there this morning .

( _Or maybe asked a nurse to do it ,that would explain the staring)_

( _Where was she last night...NO Derek it's none of your business you lost that right)_

He opens it but then his pager goes off and he can hear several go off outside his office too.

( _Must be big please please not today)_

"Dr.Shepherd we have multiple incoming in the ER,pile up on the freeway, buttload of traumas ,5 minutes out" yelled Dr . Torres as she barreled past his door.

( _She seems all cheerful today, has she forgotten the exam room scene from yesterday god I hope so)_

Down in the ER it's controlled chaos as doctors divvy up patients and roll them off for scans and test and into trauma rooms.

Karev is his intern today,he comes at him pushing a stretcher with a blood drenched young woman at him,already spouting information .

"Dakota Brenneman ,24 years old,went through her windshield, multiple lacerations on her head neck and shoulders ,compound humerus fracture ,probable head trauma,GCS 13"

"Get her into trauma 2 ,run a trauma panel ,get a CT and type and cross match for some blood -we're going to need it " He barks at Karev ,then turns his attention to the patient on the stretcher.

She's tiny ,barely visible under the cervical collar and iv tubing and braces and blankets covering her battered body.

"Ma'am can you hear me?Don't panic , you're gonna be all right,okay?

Now squeeze my hand...follow the light..."He takes through a standard neuro work up, and is mildly dissatisfied with the results ,but not enough to warrant immediate surgery .

He'll wait for the CT.

He plunges back into the heaving ER , clears two more patients , looking all the while for either Addison or Meredith, both of whom aren't anywhere to be seen.

Back in trauma 2 ,Karev has finally got the damn CT he asked for

( _20 minutes!)_

and even before he can open his mouth the patient starts convulsing violently; they flip her over,careful of the tubes and leads,push drugs,and she settles in about two minutes .

Massive epidural hematoma screams the CT and he curses himself for not demanding the CT before.

"Get her to an OR -NOW" he yells but Karev is snapping at him and he can't hear over the roar of his own fear that he may have killed this woman in his ears but Karev is _insistent_ .

( _Picked it up from Addison no doubt he's been with her all week)_

"DR.SHEPHERD this chick 's pregnant,do you hear me dammit she's pregnant"

Well that should just about ensure this day can't get any worse.

ADDISON 'S POV

"Dr.Montgomery-Shepherd there's a pregnant patient in trauma 2 ,they need you to take a look before they take her up to surgery." a nurse tells her as she finishes with what she was hoping would be her last ER patient today.

She really wants to just go lie down and not THINK for a while ,not think about divorce papers missing only one signature and black lacy panties and handsome -arrogant- bastard neurosurgeons.

Maybe she'll even do some drinking.

But she obediently strips off her globes and trots into trauma 2 .

( _Note to self;no heels in the ER from now on)_

"Talk to me Karev " she says ,eyes on the patient, who appears to be fine except for the lacerations and fractures .Her belly tells Addison that she's about 5 months along,if that ,and she hopes it won't come to having to deliver the baby.

"...so we need to evacuate the hematoma,it's compressing the brain,she's and ready seized once."

At the word brain she looks up and of course there he is,barking orders and generally being his arrogant self.

He turns around and sees her.Freezes for a moment. Eleven years of marriage teaches you a person's quirks and tells and right now she'd bet her Manolos he's thinking his day couldn't possibly get any worse.

He gets over his little pique then and starts bombarding her with questions .

So this is how it's going to be, professional staccato questions and curt orders and pretend -we -were- never- married.

She's pleased to see Karev has at least had the brains to get a fetal monitor set up and the baby looks fine ,even on the ultra sound.

(Tiny,maybe just around 23 weeks)

"She's cleared,you can go now" she tells the iv pole as she strips off her gloves and trauma gown.

( _No way is she talking to him now,of all the most humiliating things that have happened this past year last night was definitely the worst)_

"Karev go with them,don't you dare take your eyes off that monitor,or you'll be on scut for a _week._ Page me if you need me." She can feel the nurses and techs staring at her as she strides out - wondering why she's ignoring the attending and speaking to the lowly intern.

Oh well, Shepherd marital drama has become the hospitals own soap opera this year ,might as well spice it up a bit.

TWO HOURS LATER

ADDISON 'S POV

"Dr. Montgomery -Shepherd there's someone in the waiting room for you".

"Uhmm hmm" she replies,as she signs the chart on what she now is fervently praying is really really her last patient.

Apparently not.

She follows the pretty little candy striper out to the waiting area and sits down in front of a clearly distraught young man.

"Dakota,my Dakota, my wife , they...they brought her here, she was in a car crash... a...a car crash and she's pregnant,oh god I can't believe what I've done ,please lady you've gotta help me." He sobs.

"Uhm,okay Mr...?"

"Brenneman"

"Okay,Mr . Brenneman, your wife is stable,pretty much,and your baby's all right.They 've taken her up to surgery because she had some bleeding in her brain and she's got some fractures and cuts,she's lost some blood but she should be just fine."

"No ,no you don't get it ,I've got to see her,right now. ..like right...right now ,I've ve got to say sorry ,what if she...she dies ...what if she dies?"

"She's not going to." she says firmly, and walks away.

( _She better not,Derek)_

DEREK'S POV

"Suction "

He examines the surgical site once more,satisfied with his work.

"I'm going to close now...Karev how's it going over there ?"

Karev has been sitting intently in front of the fetal monitor the whole time.

( _What did Addison do to the kid to get him to behave?Satan has her ways I guess.)_

"Heart rate's a little slow but nothing serious" he said.

"Good."

"Dr.Shepherd temps getting a little high"

"I'm almost done..."

And then all the monitors go haywire, beeps and bleats alerting them that something is very _very_ wrong.

Usually he loves this ,the clangor of the alarms doesn't bother him ,he slips into that cool calm space in his head and he can think there , issue rational orders.

This is his element, this is where he shines.

He always has it under control.

This feels different.

"Dr.Shepherd what do you want to do? "

"I have to close I can't leave the skull flap open.Cool her down."

"She's having muscle contractions,she's getting acidotic and there's fluid building up her lungs,she's getting hard to ventilate.I'm thinking malignant hyperthermia, Dr.Shepherd ,you got to hurry up. " says the anesthesiologist.

"I AM"

"Baby's having late decels" Karev yelped,reaching for his pager.

"Dr.Shepherd her urine output since we started is low,barely 10cc."

"She's having arrhythmias"

"Pulse ox is 85"

"BPs only 60/40"

"Dr.Shepherd! "

"THE BABY IS IN DISTRESS" roared Karev.

ADDISON ' S POV

Her pager went off in the elevator on her way out of the hospital to Joe's Bar.

 _Damn._

She really did need to do some drinking,seeing as her marriage was over and all.

She turned around while unclipping the pager from her waist and then ran up the stairs without waiting for the other elevator when she saw what it was.

( _What the hell Derek why can't you just do your job without needing me that woman had better not die or you'll have wrecked two marriages in two days and that is just too much)_

When she gets to the OR the patient is crashing and she scrubs hurriedly and strides in ,takes one look at the fetal monitor and turns to the scrub nurse.

"Ten blade "

"Addison stop"

"Derek the baby is hypoxic I've got to get him out!"

"Let me finish or you'll cause her to crash even more"

"Derek there's nothing left here you've got to stop.I have five minutes to get this baby out and you're wasting time . She's gone,I'm sorry but she's _gone_. "

He looks up at her ,his blue eyes intense and focused.

"Addison I can't let her go I can't do it and she can hear it in his voice ,

(eleven years)

she can hear the pain and desperation.

"Derek stop,please."

"I CAN'T. When Karev went out to give the husband an update the guy broke down,he was a mess,he said that this is their first baby and he didn't know what to do or if he even wanted it and he was ...he was bored and he had an affair...an affair and he cheated on his pregnant wife and she found out.She found out and she was so mad she was driving to the airport to go to her parents place and the last thing he said to her is that he was BORED of her and so he had an affair,so NO Addison , I can't stop because that is not going to be the last thing that man says to his wife,not while I can do something about it.So BACK OFF."

It hits her then,hard,in the raw tingling spot left when he tore her heart out - he doesn't want this couple, this pair of utter strangers to end this way,but it doesn't matter that his own wife found out her marriage was over when she found a pair of panties in the pocket of a (bad )tux.

She always knew that he was idealistic and altruistic but this is too much.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd you _look_ at me. That man has already lost his wife and the love of his life and the last thing she heard from him was that he didn't want her anymore and he is always going to believe that he as good as killed her.Its bad enough that he's going to have to live with that forever. Don't let him think he's killed his baby too,please, Derek.Please."

At this he stills his frantically working hands and slowly raises his gaze to meet hers,and he looks ,just for a heartbeat,like the real Derek, _her_ Derek that she fell in love with.

Honorable, decent Derek,not cocky arrogant God - complex McDreamy.

And just for a heartbeat,she allows herself to think that there _might_ just yet still be a tiny spark of hope for them.

DEREK'S POV

He steps away from the patient's still open skull ,his bloodied hands held out stiffly and watches as Addison pauses for the briefest of seconds to make sure he's all right

(and not about to start yelling at her to stop cutting;it's happened before.)

Unhesitatingly she takes the proffered scalpel and swiftly makes a vertical incision in the abdomen, simultaneously dispatching a nearby resident to fetch a incubator and her NICU team and calling Karev over to assist.

She bends intently over the open abdomen, cutting and murmuring for suctioning and the bovie and retraction when she needs it.

On New York they always used to watch each other operate as often as they could,he remembers.

He remembers that Addison was the one who got the solo surgery their first year at Mt.Sinai,remembers Mark's smoldering jealousy with a chuckle.

( _That OB resident is staring at him now like he's really losing it.Maybe he is.)_

It was an appendectomy, and Addison had surprised no one with her flawless performance.Richard had _raved_ for days on end,and Addison is still his star all these years later.

( _In fact he suspects Richard might only have asked him to come out to Seattle to lure Addison - of -the-double-board-certification and baby saving skills out here. He certainly isn't throwing as much money at neuro as he is at neonatal .Huh.)_

He watches as Addison smoothly lifts the infant - impossibly tiny and an improbable bluish colour -suctions his mouth and hands him off to her team ,who whisk him off along with Karev to the NICU.

She scrubs out and follows them as swiftly as she had come; and all the while he stands there rooted to the spot,until she turns and gives him her warm sweet genuine Addie smile, the one only _he_ ever gets,not her Addison smile that's sophisticated and cold and distant.

( _Eleven years will teach you the shades of difference in a person's smiles but this isn't her real one ,not quite,it's too...sad.Mournful.)_

"It's okay to let go when you've done everything you could, Derek. Sometimes things can't be fixed and you ... you just need to let go,but you know,you always do make sure you do everything you possibly can,Derek. I always admired that about you. "

He wonders if all she was talking about was the surgery.

Maybe there's still a bit of hope,then.

Maybe they're still Derek and Addison.

 ** _Please review it means a lot even if you hated it and just want to curse me out_**

#addek


	2. Chapter 2

**_Addie and Derek,a lot of flashbacks and the New York YearsYears,Mark and some wishful - thinking Maddek backstory ._** ** _Thank you thank you thank you to the wonderful people who took time to read favorite and review the last chapter...keep it coming._**

DEREK'S POV

He runs his hands through his hair

( _I've always had a thing for Russell Crowe; red lips tantalisingly close to his own,sultry voice in his ear.)_

as he walks away from Mr.Brenneman , the man whose pregnant wife just died on his OR table and who will forever live with the knowledge that he killed his wife,as surely as if he had wrapped his fingers round her throat and strangled her.

He can't bear the man's soft sobs,the smothering weight of his grief ,a moment longer and so he leaves, hoping that at least Addison will have saved the baby,a tiny consolation to the bereaved man behind him.

He heads up to the NICU

( _Maybe he's imagining it but the staring is worse here;it's Addison's Kingdom after all.Passive-Aggressiva.)_

and finds her leaning against an incubator,stethoscope pressed against the insubstantial chest of the little boy she pulled from his mother's lifeless body.

"I think he'll make it." she says ,still not looking at him.

"I told his father he had a baby boy...didn't seem to get through to him, honestly."

"He's just lost his wife,Derek.That usually hurts most people,they go into shock." At this she looks up at him and her eyes

( _That indefinable shifting blue-green-grey color,looking into his own,across a lab table,a candlelit dinner table , OR tables,their joined hands at the altar,across 15 years.)_

are accusing and he knows that it's bad this time,that this time there might not be a way to fix what he has broken.

They look at each other across the incubator for a moment and then she pulls away.

( _Too easy ,always too easy,to fall back in._ )

"I'll talk to the father " she says.

He nods expressionlessly and steps back to let her pass.

She's halfway down the corridor before he catches up

( _Long legs; endless in a tiny bikini at the Hampton ,wrapped around his waist,tangled around his in bed, footsie under dinner tables.)_

"I'll come with you".

ADDISON ' S POV

They leave the new father in the NICU to stare at his son , and they sit beside him awhile,neither of them eager to go home,content to watch the rhythm of the baby's rising and falling chest,lulled by the soft beep of monitors and the swooshing of the ventilator.

Mr.Brenneman - _Samuel,call me Samuel -_ is silent,teary eyed .

"Th...thank you ,doctors,one more time. I lost my ..my wife today and I'll never see her again . I'll never get to tell her again that I love her,I'll never get this time with her back. She should be here now,she should be _here_ , to...to hold him and to love him but she's not and sh...she'll never be; time just goes so _fast_ ,you know? Like we were so happy and then she told me she was pregnant, and I wasn't ...sure ,yet ,that I was ready and she was moody,irritable and I was just so _tired_ ,so tired of all of it that I had a cheap little affair,j...just sex,I don't even remember her name now,I ...I cheated on her and now she's just gone,so you two...you go home okay,

and you _tell_ your husband and you _tell_ your wife or whoever it is that you love them,you tell your _kids_ you love them,because..it's just so fast ,you know.Time is so... fast, and it's not fair."

"No. It's not fair at all. " says Derek and he says it to Samuel, but he's looking at her.

( _Look away.)_

"Take care of yourself. " He says to Samuel as he heaves himself wearily out of his chair and walks to the door.

"I'll be back in the morning to check on him,but you shouldn't worry,he'll be monitored all night long." she tells him ,and follows Derek out the door.

Outside at the nurses station she fills in the baby's chart,documenting his brushes with death and his precarious hold on life.

"Addison..." a whisper,uncertain,

( _He's never uncertain ,not with her.)_

"...we need to talk."

( _No Addison,you don't. Be a bigger person.)_

She looks at him "There's nothing left to say."

and she walks away.

A WEEK LATER

NICU NURSE

He's here again, He- Shepherd ,lounging hopefully against the glass doors of the NICU,looking around for She -Shepherd no doubt.

He's been here a lot this past week hasn't he?

And he keeps paging Dr Montgomery - Shepherd all the time too.

Hmph.Maybe they've switched roles,the Shepherds,now he's chasing her the way she did when she first came to Seattle and became Head of Neonatal.

(The woman is insanely talented and saves babies and whatever but _god_ is she ever bossy. )

But she's heard rumors too,about the slutty McSex in an exam room

( _And they call themselves surgeons.)_

so she' s not sure about which pool to bet on yet because it could go either way - maybe they'll divorce or maybe they'll get back together, that little intern Grey has been pretty miserable all week - and didn't Diane from the Surgical ICU see her leave with the vet after the prom?

At that moment Addison Shepherd makes an entrance in a flapping blue OR gown ,trailed by the usual retinue of itern and residents,immediately assailed by nurses with charts and stats and changes in vitals.

He hangs round till she's done,but then she brushes by him,perfect chin held high,not a glance.

Oh.

She'll put 20 on the divorce, then.

DEREK'S POV

He watches Addison all week,tries to get her to talk to him to no avail.

( _So goddamn stubborn ,always has been.)_

He knows he's hurt her in unimaginably cruel ways and done irreparable damage to their relationship ,but in his own defence he thinks that all he did was to finish demolishing the shining edifice of their marriage after she had already dealt it the fatal blow.

Or had he done that?

The missed dinners and birthdays ,the forgotten anniversaries and parties,skipped Thanksgiving and Christmases.

( _But we love Christmas. It's our season ,Derek. )_

All those times in New York he told Mark and Addison to "go ahead without me.", had he unwittingly pushed them together, given them the tools to finish what he started?

He needs desperately to escape the tangled rush of memories in his brain;

Addison on their 9th anniversary curled in a ball on the couch dressed in that dress he liked, red to match her hair and clinging in all the right places,frozen with anger ( _Not crying,never crying._ ) at the missed dinner reservation, the anticipated phone call from him that never came...what had it been that time?

That simple but lengthy spinal tumor resection that any other neurosurgeon could have done but he did it anyway.

Addison and Mark,tumbling through the door of the brownstone together ,laden with overnight bags and totes,flushed and laughing,surprised to find him sitting on the couch tight - jawed with anger at being left behind even though he hadn't left the hospital all weekend.

" _We went to to the beach house without you ,Derek,sorry, but we just had to get away."_ with a breezy kiss on the cheek,

" _Cmon Shepherd you hate the Hamptons. Give her a break."_ with a punch in the shoulder,little harder than necessary.

But it wasn't always like that.

Studying all night in med school,bad chinese and amazing sex, getting blackout drunk after exams ( _counting Mark's drunken conquests)_ ,him and Addison on long pointless walks in Central Park.

Him and Mark lugging suitcases up to their third floor walk up after med school graduation, long nights on call in the bowls of the hospital quizzing each other and high on laughter and happiness that that they were finally _here_ ,finally real doctors, him and Mark in a jewellers picking out a ring,him proposing to Addison,Mark helping him write that god - awful wedding song,having Mark to dinner 5 times a week in their brownstone to keep him from starving to death because his flavors of the week rarely stayed over.

Neuro residency . Addison's double certification that meant they postponed children . Trying, again and _again_ ,afraid it was too late.

In that last year,even the trying was no longer fun and he had all but checked out.

Two successful practices and two busy surgeons, passing Addison on her way out the door to a conference in Ontario as he was returning from two weeks in Boston and not thinking there was anything wrong

Addison and Mark in _their_ bed, Addison moaning the way he hadn't heard her in months.

Addison selling her practice and moving here,trying as hard as she possibly could to glue them back together,living in his stupid trailer,eating

trout.

 _Satan,bitch ,adulterous sociopath._ _Get on your broom,fly back home._

There's a funny taste in his mouth ,the taste of guilt and shame and regret.

It's his turn to try now,his turn to fight for them,and by god he's going to fight hard.

ADDISON ' S POV

All week she avoids him,because she's moving on.

At least that's what she tells herself.

Actually? She's trapped in her head with 15 years worth of memory.

Gross anatomy class ,cutting into a cadaver ,flirting with Derek across the table and groaning at Mark's inappropriate jokes.

Studying in the library together, sneaking into each others dorm rooms.

Spring break spent blissfully alone at the Captain's house on Long Island ( _No one's ever there anyway.)_

Watching movies on that heavy ugly futon couch that she can't remember what they did with it.

Christmas and Thanksgiving with Derek 's happy big noisy family.

Inappropriate sex in on call rooms and linen closets in intern year.

Mark singing that stupid song at the wedding.

Then two separate residencies, her second certification and the discussion of children pushed away

( _Dreamt at night of a little girl with her hair and Derek's eyes ,a little boy with apple cheeks and dark curls.)_

The cold silent brownstone,the musty smell of a home abandoned for weeks .

One late night too many,she was lonely,Mark at the door on his bike wanting to come in out of the rain,tears and kissing him against the wall of the foyer,greedy ,savoring the taste of him but ruined by the bitter tang of guilt and shame,in the bed.

 _(paisley sheets.)_

Door slamming open, _Derek please,please I'm sorry you don't know how sorry_ _I am._ _Derek ,please if you go - if you go,now,we won't stand a chance._

 _We're not Derek and Addison anymore._

The comfort of Mark's bed,blissful oblivion every night but each day tortured with regret.

That little plus sign turning blue,the Yankee's onesie and delight in his eyes.

( _The wrong eyes they should be blue.)_

Staring at bright lights on the ceiling ignoring the sound of the suction, thinking dully how different it is to be the one on the table.

The gym instructor and the tennis partners wife and the downstairs au pair and Charlene the nurse.

 _Once a manwhore, always a manwhore._

Ignored phone calls. Richard,asking her to come.

Rumors that he was seeing someone, a younger someone.

Calling Mark from the airport,I'm going to Seattle.

Derek and his pretty adoring intern in the lobby,his hands smoothing the collar around her neck.

 _Christmas makes you want to be with someone you love._

 _Adulterous bitch ,Satan, Addison **what** are you doing here._

"Maybe it's for the best" ,she murmurs as she packs the last of her shoes in the trailer.

 ** _Sooo. I'm sorry this chapter is short but I have exams. Please review and let me know if you like where it's going. It'll be angsty and nostalgic at first but I promise some happy addek._**


	3. Chapter 3

DEREK'S POV

When he gets home that night,Addison is gone. Well, at least her things are gone, her blow dryer and cosmetics aren't in the tiny bathroom,her clothes and shoes aren't in the closet and even the fancy complicated coffee maker isn't in the kitchen where it's been occupying half the counter since she moved in.

It feels empty.

Her car ( _he still can't believe she hauled the Mercedes out here.)_ is gone too and with the way she's been behaving this past week she's hardly going to answer if he calls her.

So he gets back in his jeep,heads to Joe's to drown his sorrows . It seems fitting to end up there, to end his marriage at the place where the beginning of the end began.

" _I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar."_ _"I'm just a guy in a bar."_

ADDISON'S POV

She's sitting at the tiny corner table in Joe's between the blaring jukebox and the grimy toilets,nursing the hot buttered rum she'd bullied Joe into making her even though it's not the holidays anymore.

She needs the comfort tonight,Christmas has always been her season and she's determined to keep it that way,even after Derek.

She deserves this tonight because she's 38 ,single, alone and childless , sitting at a bar at 10 pm on a weeknight with a car full of clothes and boxes and no one to go home to.

Indeed, no home to go to.

She wonders briefly which hotel she should patronise now,having already run through several since she got here.

She gave up _everything_ in New York, for this ,for the aching loneliness of having no friends in a strange city,the reality that the last third of her life was spent with a man who's turned her in for a wide eyed younger thing ,the shame of living out of suitcases and hotel rooms.

Maybe she should call Mark,let him make her forget , even it's just for tonight. He's never been averse to transcontinental booty calls; he'll come.

She reaches for her phone.

DEREK'S POV

He walks into Joe's and sees her sitting there, hair falling over her face ,bent over some weird seasonal Disney drink,phone to her ear.

He slides into the chair opposite her,ignoring the speculative stares of hospital staff dotted across the room.

He can hear a tinny little voice issuing from the phone,like it's gone to voicemail , but instead of leaving a message she just sighs and clicks the phone shut.

"Hey."

A long pause, then a tired "Hello , Derek ."

He reaches for her hand lying on the table

 _(She still has her rings on, he notices.)_

But she's looking out of the rain fogged window and at the last minute she pulls her hand back to stir her drink ,leaving him with his hand caught awkwardly in the middle of the table.

They sit for some time in silence but it isn't the awkward kind,it seems more...relaxed,understanding somehow,like she has accepted it's over and she's moved on .

The thought makes his blood run cold.

"I've packed up,I've left the trailer. I'll stay for a month ,maybe more,until I'm done with all my patients here;I'll give Richard my notice tomorrow ,not that it really matters because I never really signed a contract but you know how he gets,he'll yell and try to get me to stay.

But I have to leave,I'm leaving,so...I won't be in your way ,anymore ,I guess."

she chuckles, a bitter defeated sound, swigs the last of her drink and gets up to leave ,reaching for her keys lying on the sticky tabletop.

He puts his hand over hers,trapping her.

"Addie .Wait."

 _(He hasn't called her Addie not for months ,the word just slips out naturally. Baby steps ,forgiveness. )_

"What , Derek? I'll have my lawyer contact yours ,finalise the divorce. It shouldn't be a problem, we can just split up what we brought into this and walk right out of it. You'll be free to go ,...back to Grey or ...or whatever, Derek. I just want you to be happy."

" No that's not it , I ... I know I've been an ass since you got here. I was an ass in New York and you're right; I _had_ checked out .I didn't give us a chance , even when you moved out here last year and there is absolutely no reason why you should be giving me this chance now,but Addie...please.

I want to make it work , I want to make us work and I know we won't be the same as before,not for a long time, I don't know how long it will take, but Addie I do know that I love you.

I always have ,always will.

I fell in love with Meredith and it wasn't just a fling,you fell in love with Mark - or as much as anyone can fall in love with _him_ , anyway - we both did things we shouldn't ve but from now on...from now on I just want you to know that I'm in .

I'm in,I'm here,I want this and I'm asking you to give me a chance,one last chance, to make this right. "

His hand is still on hers,his thumb rubbing gently across her knuckles, caressing the rings that are still on her slim finger ,looking her in the eyes.

She looks up and away from him,standing beside the table so close to where he's sitting he can feel her warmth ,the faintest scent of the perfume she always wears.

"Derek, I ..."

" _Please_ Addie. "

" I don't want to hold you back ,Derek. Not anymore. Go be happy." she whispers ,her eyes unusually bright and her voice hoarse.

"You make me happy, Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery . I thought that Meredith made me happy , and for a while she did ,but it was ...like a sugar high ,it wore off quick and left me feeling worse than before,but you , Addison, are the one whose always made me happy.

She's young and naive and needy and she thinks I walk on water and I'll admit for a while I needed that but she doesn't get me,not the way you do . No one gets me the way you do,no knows me like you do. And no one knows you the way I do ,so I can tell that right now you think it's a waste to throw away all that history.

So take me back ,Addie,and I promise we're going to make it work this time.Maybe not all at once,maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month or year ,even, but we will. " his vision is getting suspiciously blurry and his voice is shaky.

"We'll be Addison and Derek again ... and you can tack Shepherd onto the end of that tongue twister name of yours ." He cocks his head at her and gives her a smile.

She stares at him a long moment, eyebrows raised and lips slightly parted, her eyes bright with tears she won't let fall.

She lets out a long shuddering sigh and bows her head , then snaps back up and with that brilliant blinding smile of hers she says

"No trailer,though. "

" No trailer."


	4. Chapter 4

ADDISON'S POV

"There will be rules."

"Rules." a tilt of the head, confusion in his eyes.

"You heard me. Rules."

They are sitting cross legged on the bed in the trailer facing each other because really its the only place to sit; the couch is covered in laundry no one has done in a week and there are no chairs except the ones the deck but it's pouring outside.

It's always raining here.

She'd given up and let him drive her home from Joe's in her car and left his at the hospital ; her car was full of her things and anyway she was secretly a little bit too drunk to drive in the rain.

But she'll be damned if she's just going to let him McDreamy her , so there will be rules.

"What kind of rules ,then?"

"We-elll...for starters , we can...move out of this trailer!" she secretly thinks this might be a bit much but she's willing to push it. After all , it's his turn to try.

"Okay."

This shocks her into silence for a minute and she can tell by the annoying little smirk on his face that he knows she was expecting resistance.

" And no nights at the hospital. Not unless absolutely necessary. We are grown ups , we are attendings with a horde of interns and residents and we have the right to go home at night. " she says firmly.

" Okay. "

 _Damn. Maybe he's really in it this time._ "

Anddd...um, uh, no bringing up Mark. And Meredith. What's done is done,we are going to move on and ,uh, be mature and adult about this...thing, whatever it is."

"Okay." He says simply, eyes warm.

 _Almost like before. Her demanding and pushy, always the leader, him compliant and indulgent._

"Is that it,then?" He says , voice full of laughter.

"No , wait! There's, uh, ... no sex."

" _What?"_

 _"No .Sex._ Not until we're...normal .Or as normal as possible, anyway. No drunk or apologetic or regretful sex. We're too old for that , Derek."

"We are not too _old_ for _sex."_ He says , looking mildly horrified.

She fixes him with a stare not too different from Miranda Bailey, and he relents.

"Okay. I guess."

" And you can't talk to Meredith. Not at work ,not outside it."

"No."

" Excuse me?"

"No, Addison. We work together, she is my intern. And I'm. ...just not ready for that yet. I can't just cut her out."

" You said you were going to _try ,_ Derek. _Trying does not involve the mistress."_

I _am_ going to try, I just can't cut her out , not yet."

"And you expect me to believe you're ready for this , that you're really going to try to fix us? Really, Derek?"

 _Always the same, false promises and half hearted vows._

"I _can't ."_

We're at an impasse ,then , aren't we ?" she says.

" Not really...those were your rules. Now here are mine , and you can veto one of mine like vetoed one of yours." he says , leaning back into the pillows and grinning.

" _You_ have rules too?"

"Of course I do , Addie, I have to hold my ground or you'd run all over me in those godforsaken pointy shoes wouldn't you?"

 _A year ago this would have been a jest, a little domestic joke just for the two of them, but now it feels like more of a jab , bitter and jaded._

"All right, then."

" All right. So we'll move out of the trailer - but we're not buying a house -

"A tent ,then, Derek , is that it because I don't see where you could possibly drag. me that's worse than this trailer -

\- _and we'll rent, until the house is done._ I bought this land to build a house on Addie, not to park a trailer on.And also you have to try to stop interrupting me."

"A house .:

"Yes."

" Can I -

"Yes you can decorate it. The inside though, not the outside , I don't want a big fuck - you Montgomery mansion. "

 _Almost like before, completing each others sentences and reading each others minds._

" - okay then. And no knocking the Montgomery houses."

"Really ,Addie, the Connecticut estate? You said yourself it's a mausoleum with money."

"I didn't design it. Bizzy did."

"Touche. "

"Anything else?"

"Of course." He smirked. " The sex...that rule can't be the deal breaker because you know we won't hold out that long."

She smirks back ," All right. "

"And no Mark."

A long pause, staring at him hoping he's not serious.

"Addie? "

"He's your best friend, Derek ."

" _Was ."_

"No."

"Why ,Addie? He's the reason our marriage ended, _why_ would you want him of all people to be here in our faces when we're trying to fix what he helped us break?"

" Not because I want _him ,_ Derek, because you've known him longer than you've known me. You're giving me another chance,he deserves one too. What the two of you have is special and you can't just throw away 39 years of friendship over one night of mistakes,Derek."

" He crossed the line , Addie, I can't bear to look at him."

"He crossed the _country,_ Derek , to get us back. You know your family and us ,we're all he's ever had. So I'm vetoing this rule."

 _She neglects to mention that the main reason Mark sold up and moved cross country was to get **her** back. But a lie by omission isn't really a lie ,she reasons; and its not like she isn't hiding much worse,_ _a Yankees onesie and a date circled in red on the calendar, the moment of joy she had always wanted come too late,with the wrong man._ _And what she had done with it._

"Fine."

"Good."

" So are your rules done yet?"

He crinkles his brow " I get to shower first. You always use up all the hot water and I end up freezing."

"I do _not."_

I'll leave you some water, don't worry. I'm not a water hogger. "

"Derek I do not _hog the water."_ she says indignantly, swinging a pillow at him.

"Hey!" he grabs one and hits her back with it and then they're tumbling back onto the creaky mattress, tangled limbs and breathless laughter and then his hands are in her hair and she kisses him, hungrily, desire flooding her veins like it hasn't since New York because Mark was different, Mark was lust, but Derek is passion, Derek knows her body like no one else , the spots that make her go weak kneed and leave her tingling and she knows him too , she can play his body like an instrument. He kisses her back,pressing her into the mattress and his hands are everywhere, damp clothes are coming off and she flips them over with a practiced maneuver and straddles him,kisses a blazing trail down his chest savoring the deepened ragged sound of his breathing, a small part of her glowing with satisfaction that she can still do this to him.

He flips her back over, hovering above her,kissing her neck and nuzzling her ear, breathing in the scent of her hair, and then he pushes into her , a small groan escaping his lips and she finally feels home again,glorying in the familiarity of the sensation rocking through her body. He sets a comforting pace and she moans,arching up to meet him, needing to reclaim every inch of him for herself, until she feels herself contracting around him, pulling him ever deeper and they both climax in a trembling sated gasping heap against each other.

They lie there for a while ,breathing deeply, his arm flung over her waist and her hair splayed over his chest.

 _Almost like before ,except before they wouldn't just stop at once._

" I told you we wouldn't hold out that long." she can almost _feel_ him smirking into her hair.

" Shut up."

"I can think of something that'll shut me up..."

"Derek... _ah. Stop. Okay , no no no don't stop."_

 _Just like before._

 ** _Addek! In a way . Getting there._** ** _Please review ,it means a lot._**


	5. Chapter 5

**_I know I said this is a post Losing My Religion fic but I think I'll write chapters so I'm taking tiny liberties with the timeline and events as they happened in the series ._** ** _Grey 's Anatomy is not mine , all characters belong to Shonda even though she keeps killing them._** ** _Cute bickering Addek, some Maddison because I think it was always there between them._** ** _Thank you to the rare few who review, especially those who give constructive criticism. I love you._**

TWO WEEKS LATER

NURSE DEBBIE

She wonders if they even realise she can hear them talking.

The doctors, that is.

The amount of information you can pick up just sitting at the nursing station and minding your own business is amazing.

In just the last two weeks she's heard enough to write a fairly decent Lifetime movie.

For one, Yang and Burke are engaged. _(quasi - engaged anyway, there's no ring in sight .)_

Torres and O ' Malley have gotten married in Vegas. _(Callie O 'Malley jokes abound.)_

Adele has left the Chief. _(finally.)_

Grey is dating the pretty vet from the prom.

Stevens has gone wall-eyed crazy and is on probation .

Karev shoots her glances behind her back, botches every attempt to talk to her and is generally a swaggering idiot these days.

Bailey is her usual self.

The Shepherds are stuck in some weird married limbo, like they can't hold on and can't quite let go. _(The bickering is really quite amusing. )_

Here they come now, coffees in hand and... oh , already a spectacular start to the morning, they're arguing and gesturing about something .

 _Look down, look down , don't let them see you._

"I'm not signing ."

"What do you mean,not signing ? He's giving you a brand-new state of the art NICU, your own service , Chief of Neonatal and a salary that is frankly _ridiculous,_ so please explain what you mean by _not signing,_ because I was under the impression that we agreed not two days ago that we _are staying in Seattle._

"He promised me _Chief_ , Derek ,and now he's pretending not to hear me when I bring it up, so no, I'm not signing."

"He promised _you_ Chief ? "

"Why do you sound surprised ? "

"He promised me Chief too !"

" You never said anything to me about it ! "

" Settle down,children. Chief is mine ."

"Et tu, Burke?"

" Addison, Addison, it was always mine. Richard and I have an...agreement."

" Preston , Richard and _I_ have an agreement, so the both of you can just -

"Hey, don't count me out." ; cocky and gravelly.

" _Mark?"_ ; disbelieving and horrified .

" Dr .Sloan , welcome back." ; condescending and confident.

" Mark." ; resigned and resentful .

You don't even need to look up to know which is which.

This is going to be good.

MARK'S POV

It was worth dragging himself to this rain drenched hellhole just to see the look on Derek's face . Well , almost. He wonders where the lusty intern is.

Burke looks annoyed to see him.Good.He looks all right, even though he heard back in New York that he'd nearly got his arm shot off. Apparently he's engaged to that frigid little robot, what's her name...Yang. Yes , that's it , Yang , the one who wouldn't look at him. They suit each other.

And Addie. She looks better than the pale miserable Addison he left behind in Seattle last time and he knows with painful certainty that things have changed with her and Derek ; they aren't radiating icy indifference anymore and actually seem to be having a _fairly_ civil conversation.

 _Too late, Sloan . Again._

"You work here?" He can't take his eyes off the long white coat Mark's wearing and the SGH id card on his pocket.

 _Ah , Derek. Always did have a gift for stating the obvious._

"I do now. Richard thinks that a revamped Plastics department would be just the thing to go with his shiny new Neonatal and Maternal-Fetal wing - congratulations on that, by the way, Addie, - and he wants the best , so here I am."

ADDISON'S POV

He drags her into an on -call room, a proprietary none-too-gentle hand clamped around her arm.

"What is he doing here , Addison? "

"How do I know? "

"You called him !"

"I called him _weeks_ ago and he didn't even pick up, I didn't even leave a message so don't blame me.

And anyway, you promised you'd give him a chance; remember the rules, Derek."

"I said I'd give him a chance; I didn't know he was going to haul his ass over here and take up a job that means hhe's going to be in my face all the time!"

"Rules,Derek." and she walks out on her four inch heels, leaving him to stew.

She finds Mark lounging against a wall not ten feet away, drawling orders at O'Malley , who looks none too pleased to be there.

"Mark. Stop stealing interns that aren't yours. O'Malley , go down to the pit and make yourself useful. Oh, and send me Stevens." she sends him scurrying away; he was actually her intern today and Stevens was supposed to be in the pit on probation but she needs Stevens for what she has planned today , so she's making the executive decision of swapping them.

Bailey won't be happy, but she'll cross that bridge when she comes to it.

"Addison Shepherd , as I live and breathe."

"Mark , _why_ are you here."

"Nice to see you too Addie. Yeah , I missed you too , sooo much "

"Mark, _why_ are you _here_ ?"

He pouts " Because you aren't _there._ "

" Mark would you just not be ...glib, for once and tell me why you're really here."

"Plastics brings in twice the revenue and publicity that Neuro does."

 _They're never going to outgrow this , are they._

"And Neonatal and Maternal-Fetal brings in more than that because of all the cute little babies , Mark , so if you're here for some sort of surgical pissing match then I've already won. So spill."

" Come on , Adds didn't you miss me at all ?"

"No." she says flatly.

 _Oh but she did; Derek might be the love of her life but she loves Mark too, in a sick twisted needy way because for years he was all she had , he was the one to pick up the ball that Derek dropped and he was the one left to clean up the messes the two of them made._

 _He was the one the one to give her what she had wanted for years but she hated him for it ; he was the one to unwittingly snap her out of the fugue she'd sunk into after Derek left and send her scurrying to Seattle -for that she loved him._

"Aw, Addie. Richard made me an offer I couldn't refuse. " he's being truthful now,the teasing light gone from his eyes.

More seriously , quieter ; "And after the two of you left New York I didn't really have anything or anyone left to tie me down there , so I sold my practice, sublet my apartment and came here."

He looks at her with his eyes pleading and earnest " I can't lose my only two best friends in the world , Addie. Please don't shut me out. "

" Mark , I ...Derek and I are trying to , well, trying to work things out , and I want you here Mark really I do , you were always my friend, before...everything, and Derek...I made him swear he'd give you a chance so try real hard not to screw this one up , okay , don't screw this up for me. "

"Yeah .I'll try."

She smiles at him - more than anything she's actually glad to see him but she'll be damned if she can figure out why - and then before she can say anything else and ruin everything her pager goes off.

 _Saved by the bell._

I gotta go..." she spins around , thoughts of the tiny life that needed saving upstairs crowding Derek and Mark and love and lust right out of her mind.

"Hey Red. "

She spins back around, dragged back through the years to med school at the sound of his old nickname for her.

 _Hey Red, be careful Red, that's amazing I'm so happy for you two Red , and then finally in a church choked with the scent of lilies and anticipation, are you sure Red, so soft she barely hears it above the organ as it starts to play somewhere beneath their feet. She was in a rush then , too._

"Yeah, Mark?"

"I'm ...here .For you. If you...you know, if you need me to be . l'll be here."

 _Oh, Mark._

Her face creases into a smile "Thank you." and it is more heartfelt than he will ever know.

She turns around and runs in the opposite direction, not trusting herself to walk.

 ** _Short, I know. Sorry._**

 ** _Please review or I won't know if you hated it because I'm not omniscient._**


	6. Chapter 6

**_If Addison and Derek are going to make it work , they need to come clean about everything._** ** _Thank you thank you thank youu to the lovely people who review .Rest of you take note._** ** _Also I'm really sorry for the screwy punctuation in the first few chapters , I've seen a couple complaints about it and I've fixed it , it's just that I'm writing this on my phone._** MEREDITH ' S POV

As she emerges from the locker room that morning she sees a familiar tall figure loping down the corridor.

If it's who she thinks it is, things have officially gotten out of hand.

First she found out that the man she loved and was planning to spend the rest of her life with had a _wife,_ a stunning intelligent kind and funny and impossible-to-hate-wife .

Then he told her he was going to stay with his wife , going to do the right thing.

Then they had sex at the prom while Addison was twirling around not two floors beneath their feet.

And now the Shepherds seem to be putting on some sort of half-assed parody of their marriage; it's pathetic really, and kind of hard to watch them.

And now McSteamy is here , to complete the McTriangle.

McDreamy, McHottie , and McSteamy.

When did this hospital get so incestuous?

"O ' Malley you're with Addison Shepherd, Karev with Sloan -

" _Sloan 's back?"_

seeing as I assigned you to him , he is .Now go.

Grey you're with Derek Shepherd, Yang go with Burke and Stevens - _pit._ _No ,_ Yang you _cannot switch_ with Grey you're with Burke so go on, get outta my hair."

She shoots Cristina a thankful look as they all shoot off in different directions - she tried - and hangs back a little in the conference room, hoping Bailey will notice her before she has to call attention to herself.

Bailey stares around, hands on her hips, after she's done barking orders , as if to make sure none of her interns are heading in the wrong direction or hiding under tables.

"Grey why are you still here?"

"I ...I saw you had a really cool procedure on the board today, Dr.Bailey and I was really hoping to scrub in, I could learn so much and I was ...Uhm , I was just thinking I'd choose General. As my specialty , you know, like my mother!"

"No."

" What ?!"

"No , Grey, I don't care about your specialty because you're only trying to escape Dr.Shepherd and I ...sympathise with you , Grey because you're right, he will be a whiny annoying self- righteous bore today but I don't care. And the interesting procedure you are rambling about is actually a bowel resection on a man who swallowed his own hair so unless you really want to sit through several feet of stinking necrotic bowel with me I suggest you get a move on."

" I'll come with you."

 _Between the awkwardness of spending all day with your married ex boyfriend while his cheating wife and the man she cheated on him with wander the same halls and exploding pus filled abcesses she chooses the abcesses so what does that say about her?_

Bailey draws herself up to her full height and opens her mouth in preparation for what she is so sure is going to be a rant of epic proportions that she takes off down the corridor to find Derek anyway.

She finds him outside a patients room , foot tapping impatiently.

"Good morning, Derek. "

 _Here we go._

A short pause, then " Morning , Dr. Grey. "

He turns abruptly and heads into the patient's room ; she has no idea about this case and he's got the chart so she lingers in the doorway for a second, unsure -

 _People who hover in doorways are coming from nowhere and going nowhere._

then follows him inside.

Almost an hour later they're done with rounds and she has been berated over the littlest of things , acquiesced to the most inane of demands and is just about ready to whack Derek over the head with a chart when he says

" We're done here Dr .Grey . Go start on my pre- ops , I want all the labs and scans for each patient on my desk at least a half hour before their surgeries " and stalks away , nose buried in his phone.

She hesitates for a moment and then chases him down , looking round to make sure no one is watching.

Thankfully the Neuro ICU is pretty quiet.

" Derek _. Derek ."_

 _"What is it , Dr . Grey?"_

"Oh so I'm Dr. Grey now?"

"Ye-es?"

" Come on Derek. We can be friends. I'm with Finn now; you left me and we had sex at the prom , you asked me _what does this mean , Meredith_ and I didn't say anything , so I'm with Finn now. And you're with Addison. At least I think you are. So please, Derek , I think that we can be friends. "

DEREK'S POV

 _But they can't , they can't be just friends . He loves Addison, he does , she's the other half of his soul , she completes him and he's never going to leave her again._ _So why the hell is he so terrified of letting this skinny blonde intern get too close? She wasn't a fling , she was more than that but he never loved her in the fiery all - consuming way he loves Addison ._ _Why can't they just be friends?_

"Meredith . I guess I should tell you this myself, before you hear it in the hallways ... Addison and I , we're together. We're together and we're giving it a real shot, so -

A bland smile that doesn't reach her eyes ; "Oh. She doesn't want you talking to me does she ? Not outside work?

It's okay Derek. I understand. I...I'm with Finn now. I understand, but if you ever want to just , um , _talk_ or whatever...you can talk to me.

So I'll just...yeah . I'll just go now."

She walks away from him just a little faster than normal , her shoulders hunched just a little.

 _It's like I was drowning and you saved me. You're like coming up for a breath of fresh air._ _Innocent blue eyes looking into his , silky blonde hair running through his fingers, angry desperate resigned tears falling against his cheek that long-ago night at the prom._ _Drinking beer on the deck outside his trailer, tequila shots at Joe's, a whole bottle of it in her unsteady hand outside her mother's house - take me for a ride, Derek-_ _and the close warm car with his shirt draped over her shoulders._ _Maybe she made him feel young. Wanted, needed ; maybe it was her sheer clingy needy naivety that pulled him in , nothing more ._

 _Maybe._

"Meredith !"

 _What Addie doesn't know won't hurt her. And anyway , if Mark gets to be here , I can talk to Meredith._

" Yes, Derek? "

" I still walk most mornings , on the trails in the woods. Behind the trailer where we used to take Doc .If you need to talk..."

" I'll keep that in mind." she says with that childlike grin , and jogs away.

 ** _Getting there, slowly._**

 ** _Clearly I write small chapters. So that I can change the direction this us going whenever I feel like it. Sorry._**

 ** _Pleeease review._**


	7. Chapter 7

**_Addie and Callie , Mark and Derek._** ** _Some flashbacks and memories , a little backstory and hints about what's coming._**

ADDISON'S POV

Stevens never turns up, but she didn't really expect her to, not after the stunt she'd pulled on her her last time , with the quints.

She had to learn, though and she knows from her own experience that this is the only way forward for the rare young surgeon who cares too much; you have to crush their bleeding hearts and break their trust in the power of medicine , dull their emotions and curb their spirit so that they can heal without bias and emotion in their way.

Richard did it to her, she did it to Stevens.

She can understand Izzie's pain firsthand ; sometimes she thinks it would be better to be like Yang, clinical, distant and cold.

She had an amazing surgery today that she'd wanted Stevens to watch, because she sees more than a little of her younger self the younger woman's eyes and because she shows enormous promise in her field. If only she could get her to talk to her again.

She signed Richard's contract that afternoon, hyperaware that she was now legally bound to stay in Seattle for the next three years until it expired, come what may.

She doesn't know what will happen in the next three hours , let alone the next three years , and she wonders when she became this scattered and this unfocused.

She's losing her edge; maybe it's the constant damp in the air, maybe Derek is wearing her down.

" Can I borrow Mark?" Callie asks, flopping down next to her on the gurney with a huff.

"You can keep him."

" No ,I just need him for a couple of hours."

" Wait. Why...exactly do you need Mark?"

" Because I need to forget that my cute intern boyfriend ditched me because his stupid blonde pseudo - mommy told him to."

"Oh. "

 _Mark is good at that , good at making people forget._

" I just wanted to make sure you didn't. ...you know, _mind_ or anything."

" I don't. I have a husband."

 _I do, I do I really do._

Callie raises a critical eyebrow " You've had one for eleven years. You still slept with Mark and you got pr... sorry."

She falters under Addison's cool gaze.

"I know I slept with him and wrecked my marriage but it was just sex,

 _Honestly that's all it was; she loves Mark indulgently , out of gratitude , not possessively .If manwhoring makes him happy, she's all for it. But she looks out for him, all the same, doesn't want him getting hurt if he ever gets too involved with a girl who ends up in his bed._

and Mark is like a... a friendly, chatty, human...dildo. "

"Good. I really have to get laid."

" Callie, if you're that desperate to wake up tomorrow morning in a cloud of shame and regret , come with me to Joe's tonight instead and we'll get drunk."

" Can't. On call."

" We-elll then I guess you'll have to settle with Mark."

"Oh, Mark isn't exactly _settling_ is he, I mean the last time he was here we -

" Callie."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry."

" Come with me. I've got to interview a new Peds surgeon for the new department, to be in charge of follow ups for my patients when they're bigger.

You can intimidate her, it'll make you feel better." she looks over at her friend, sometimes the only one she feels like she has here.

 _God she misses Savvy and Nae._

"So you're staying? " Callie asks softly, eyes bright and suddenly she flings her arms around Addison and hugs the air out of her lungs.

"Yeah, I'm staying ."

" Good , because I was just starting to like you. Come on...hey what's the difference between you and a Peds surgeon anyway, is it like you do teeny weeny tiny humans and they do tiny humans?"

" Yeah, something like that."

MARK'S POV

How hard can it be to get a decent cup of coffee in Seattle?

Maybe he should ask Addie, she always knows where the good stuff is. Coffee snob.

Richard used to laugh at her about it in intern year , said she had more caffeine than blood in her most of the time.

 _Nights spent on call in Mt .Sinai, studying in stairwells and rarely sleeping, competing for surgeries and Addie winning most of the time._

 _Crashing at Derek and Addison's place post call because it was closer to the hospital._

 _Having to watch them, watch their happiness and the dreams in their eyes, knowing that the one thing he really wants will always be Derek's._

He settles for a cup from the cafeteria and ducks into a stairwell to drink it, needing to be away from those pesky interns for a solitary minute.

He doesn't get much solitude though, because he finds a none- too -welcoming but familiar face in the gloomy corner, slumped against the floor.

"Tough day,Derek?"

He looks right at Mark "You have no idea."

"Oh yeah.I bet you had a real bad day didn't you. You're back with your gorgeous wife, you have a job most people dream of , and your best friend just moved here. It must be terrible."

" Shut up . You're not my _friend._ "

" Addie says you're giving me another chance. That you promised her you would."

" I am. I just never told her that you're not my friend. And don't call her Addie."

" Why? "

" Don't mess us up again Mark."

" I cleaned up your messes for a good two years in New York before you fell apart Derek , and I didnt tell you to have an affair with Meredith ; your marriage going to the dogs wasn't all mine and Addison's fault ."

"You slept with my _wife. "_

"It was a mistake Derek , you were never there and she was lonely. She needed you but you were too busy being a hotshot so you were never there."

 _I was there_. _Being you._

You crossed a line Mark , I don't think I can ever look at you without seeing your hands all over her , I look at you and I want to punch your lights out. You were jealous of me , Mark, weren't you , you were _jealous_ and so you ruined it for me."

 _He's right , the goddamn annoying perfect haired little bastard .He has always been jealous of him._

 _Jealous of his happy loud loving intruding family, of his two overprotective ever - present parents and his tangle of sisters._

 _Jealous of their jumbled messy crowded house , so different from his cold silent one ._

 _Jealous of his hold on Addie, because by rights she should be his._

 _He'd seen her first, you know, in med school. But Derek asked her out first because he didn't know how to, didn't know how to have something real instead of drunken one night stands and shallow flirtations._

 _" You_ ruined it for you Derek. You were so distant those last two years even Amy noticed ."

" _Don't_ bring her up to me."

" She's your sister , Derek, or you gonna run from her too?"

 _This is what he hates most about the man, he never really appreciates how good he has it._

What she did is unforgivable."

" She was a _kid , Derek._ You can't punish her forever. "

" She doesn't bother talking to me."

" So _you_ call her! . You call her, Derek and

you call your mother , and you treat Addie the way she deserves to be treated after the way you've fucked her up and wasted her time ."

 _This is something he hates too; Derek is never the one to take the first step, to repair damage that more likely than not he inflicted in the first place._

 _He never sees anyone's pain except his own, never adjusts or gives an inch ; it's all about Derek._

 _But **he's** always there isn't he, good old Mark, to step up and take his place. To be Amy's brother and drag her ass to rehab, to be the son Derek stopped being a few years ago. To be Uncle Mark to Nancy and Liz and Kathleen 's kids._

 _To pick Addie up off the floor and put her together with tape and glue and pretend she was all his , until Derek comes home again and suddenly he can't even see his reflection in her eyes although he was right in front of her because Derek is all she can ever see._

 _If he hurts her again he'll be sorry._

" I've messed up haven't I. " soft and guilty.

" I'd say you have."

" What am I gonna do?"

" Fix it, asshat. "

He looks at him a long time and the sight of his sorry face brings a deluge of memories,

 _First grade at the school where Derek had won himself a scholarship and Mark had had his name down since birth, Carolyn packing him two brown bag lunches because Mark's mother usually forgot to give him one._

 _Sleeping at the Shepherds little house when his parents left him home alone in their Chelsea mansion._

 _Christmas and Easter , Thanksgiving and birthdays._

 _Riding bikes and playing tag with the girls, holding Amy when she was born._

 _Holding Mrs Shepherd's hand while she sobbed at the funeral, Derek holding the other ._

 _High school, slightly awkward and gawky , first dates and first kisses and crushes and then college, Carolyn asking tongue in cheek if they're ever going to bring home girlfriends._

 _Med school and Addison , listening to Derek gush like a girl about Addison this and Addison that._

 _The beginning of his still uninterrupted string of conquests, keeping himself busy because no one else could compare ._

 _Best man at the wedding because that's what you do when your best friend gets married._

I've missed you Sloan. "

" Awww. I love you too."

" Shut up, whore. "

"Jackass."

"Douche."

" Hey!"

 ** _Addek is eventual ; you need friends if you're gonna fall in love._**

 ** _Pleeease reviewwww. If you hate it I wanna hear, if you love it I wanna hear._**


	8. Chapter 8

**_Thank you all the people who take time to review, I love you. Rest of you, take note._**

RICHARD 'S POV

His doctors have gone crazy, he's sure of it.

Burke had his arm shot off not two months ago and has decided that getting engaged is the best way to forget his career almost ended; Bailey ( ! ) has had a baby but is refusing to let up one bit ( he doesn't know if he should be proud or not.)

Sloan is his usual brand of crazy, Karev looks two seconds from either bursting into tears or punching someone, he's pretty sure that Torres and O ' Malley of all people have got something going on, and there is of course the matter of Meredith who us wandering the halls like desolate puppy and Izzie Stevens who seems so determined to act perfectly fine she resembles a plastic mask.

And his stars , his dream team, are out for three days - oh all right , maybe he did make them take all that sick leave they had piled up - but he's regretting it now because ther e is a complete lack of grownups in his hospital right now.

He would have called them back but he knows that they need this and he's almost as eager for this marriage to work out as the two participants in it are.

He wonders what they could possibly be doing with _three whole days_ offthough, and reaches for the phone before he remembers what Adele had said to him this morning -

" Richard, you give them their time , you hear me? I'm telling you, if those children get divorced , you're looking for a place to sleep. "

-and he remembers vividly just how uncomfortable the couch in his office is , so he puts the phone back down.

ADDISON'S POV

" What are we going to do with three days off Derek ?"

"I don't know .Richard just told me that we both have three days sick leave left over and if we didn't take it he'd call my mother. It's probably -"

"Adele?"

" -Yeah."

" We could just stay here you know." she said playfully, running her fingers down his side and snuggling closer to him on the tiny couch.

" Mmm we _could."_ He said wrapping his arms around her and kissing her, so they do.

For some reason he is unusually tender and gentle with her, handling her as delicately as if she were made of crystal; fragile , easily shattered.

 _That's exactly how she feels these days but how did he know? He stopped being able to read her cues and tells a long time ago , or maybe he'd just stopped paying attention._

 _What matters is that he's paying attention now , she tells herself .But this is not what she wants, she just wants some passion, some **fire,** to know that he can't break her again even if she is made of crystal. _

_This is easy and familiar, the sex , that's not the problem . The problem is when they're not having sex because then they have to talk to each other and somehow every topic that gets brought up is in some way wrong and just ends up pissing off Derek or reducing her to tears._ _She thinks they've honestly spent more time in bed than out in each others company these past few weeks -and she's not complaining - but shouldn't they talk?_

 _She has something to tell him, that's for sure, and she doesn't want her marriage to be based on lies and secrets._

 _Not this time around._

After , when they're lying on the floor- the couch proved too small - she remembers what she's wanted to suggest they do but has been too distracted to mention before now.

" Derek we're moving to Seattle aren't we? "

she feels his body tense around her.

"Yes. "

" Then there's something we need to do first."

DEREK'S POV

When Addison told him there was something they needed to do first, he hadn't for a second thought that this was it.

Thank god for her neurotically organised brain though , because this had completely escaped his mind.

 _What sort of man forgets about a goddamn house after traipsing across the country?_

It was okay to be back in New York, he mused ; he had expected the very sight and sound and smell of the city to catapult him back to that miserable night.

As they walk down the street towards their old brownstone, Addison tucks her hand into his , and for a heartbeat it's just like it was when they were younger and just married and had just bought the house.

Walking up the steps to the front door is harder.

 _Clothes flung out into the rain , Addison's slight frame offering almost no resistance as he pushed her out of his life._

 _He wonders if he'd be McDreamy anymore if anyone knew about this._

There's a faint red-brown stain on the top step under leaves when he kicks them away and he remembers the broken light bulb that had littered the steps with glass but neither of them had bothered to sweep up or replace.

She'd been barefoot that night.

He notices her shift her weight off her right foot almost subconsciously, and suddenly he's so overwhelmed with guilt that he can't look at her and sorry seems too hollow a word.

She opens the door with a key she digs out of her cavernous purse and they both hesitate for the briefest of seconds before they step together into the house they'd bought together and filled with their hopes and dreams and then set it on fire and watched it go up in smoke.

It's almost exactly like it was that night; Addison must not have come back here much before she left , too.

The furniture is covered with sheets - ghosts of a lifetime past- and the windows are curtained, the musty smell of neglect permeates the house .

She drops her purse onto the ground in the foyer.

" Where should we start ? "

" How about we start a year ago , Addison, and you don't screw my best friend ?" he spits , and retreats downstairs into the basement.

 _He shouldn't have said that. But this house , everything about it is just too much , a museum of their mistakes._

 _ADDISON'S POV_

She follows him tentatively down into the basement , finds him slumped at his workbench , cluttered with tools and wood shavings that she used to love the sweet fresh smell of.

They smell of mildew now.

"I'm sorry , I'm sorry. I don't know what..."

" Came over you? I know . I feel the same way.This place, it's too much.

Reminds me of everything we lost."

" I'm sorry Addie. "

 _So am I._

" It's okay. "

They leave the basement alone and go up the second floor.

In the guest room they find Mark's clothes and shoes and things he probably doesn't even remember he left there, relics of a time when he was more commonly there than not. She flings it all into the boxes destined for Goodwill.

In the office they shove files and documents and medical journals and texts into boxes, finding little things they'd brought back from trips to conferences and triggering memories they didn't remember they had but not pausing to let them catch up.

The rest if the house is harder because everything is more personal, long Sundays spent shopping for the right fabric for curtains and couches, the right shade of paint and the most perfect polish of wood, most of it Addison but in those days Derek was at least around to have his opinions shot down.

 _Wedding photos of kisses and ear to ear smiles looking into each others eyes and thinking they could see their whole futures together but then again on your wedding day who the hell imagines they'll end up like this ?_

 _The bookshelf Sam and Naomi gave them as a housewarming gift , double wide to fit all the Neonatal and Neuro texts in it they said ;_

 _the fishbowl - empty now, she felt guilty for only now remembering the fish and wonders if Mark took it- they'd won the fish at a little street fair they'd taken their neighbors daughter to, the kind with kiddie games and lollipops and plastic combs for second and third prize and a goldfish in a bag as first prize; Derek won the ring toss and she won the rifle thing ( surgeon hands ) but the neighbours wouldn't keep both fish so they ended up with one._

 _The rug from Italy on their honeymoon and the coffee table still with a ring on it because Derek never used coasters and scuffs because Mark always put his feet up on it._

 _The armchairs around the fire where they'd cuddle up with glasses of wine after long days at work , the upstairs window with the view of Central Park and closets still full of clothes and her shoes still in plastic boxes along the bottom._

 _Mark's bike in the basement, Derek's fishing rods he only ever got to use at the Hamptons._

 _The unassembled crib in a box they'd bought starry eyed with joy but had quietly relegated to the basement when it ended too soon (7 weeks of the purest happiness before everything came crashing down around their heads.)_

After a while it all just hurts so she sweeps things into boxes without looking ; there's time to feel later.

By unspoken consensus they have both so far avoided their old bedroom , avoiding it like they're bouncing off a force field around the door but there's only so long you can pretend.

They're here to pack up their old lives and move on with the new, no point in shirking.

Might as well get it over with.

Derek pauses by their bedroom door , one hand on the knob, and she sees what he must have looked like that night ; knowing what lay in store for him but refusing to believe.

She places her hand over his. " No anesthesia. "

He looks at her, eyes oddly blank. " No anesthesia. "

Inside it's the bed that draws both their eyes instantly , unwillingly, like a dead body in the room.

She averts her eyes, cheeks burning, but he moves forward, brushes his hand over the headboard, the stripped - bare mattress.

 _Italian paisley sheets , rolled in a ball and stuffed in the fireplace downstairs , lit with the silver cigarette lighter that the Captain left here on his last visit two years ago and a bottle of vodka._

 _Fire regulations be damned, her life was on fire anyway and she's burning slowly to ashes ."_

He looks up at her finally and he's burning too, with rage and guilt and what looks maybe like sorrow but before she can think too much about it -

" _You know your problem, Addie ? You think too goddamn much ." after she'd told him he needed to slow down , delegate cases and surgeries or he was going to peak too soon._

he's crossed the room back to her and he takes her face in his hands a little too roughly, kisses her like he's stamping a claim on her mouth, and before she can so much as put her arms around him her back is slamming into the bare mattress with his weight on her and for the first time ever she feels trapped.

But now he's kissing her neck, moving too quickly downwards , sucking and biting hard at the soft skin at her collarbone, ignoring - no , just not hearing - her sharp gasp.

She responds to him too , but it's like they are running on two completely different frequencies and so she just lays back and lets him set the tone ; she wanted fiery passion but this is not it.

His hands are a little too rough and his grip on her too tight , he pushes himself into her so harshly she muffles her cry in his neck and he sets a punishing pace , his fingers clutching her hips in a way that she's sure will leave her bruised tomorrow.

He bites her lower lip and she can taste pennies in her mouth, pain and pleasure both coursing through her but she's not sure where one ends and the other begins.

When he's done they lay side by side on the bed panting , him looking at the ceiling and she at the wall opposite , her eyes burning in tune with her body but the tears too proud to fall.

DEREK'S POV

Disgusted . That is what he feels right now. What just happened is not his proudest moment; but he couldn't help it , when he saw that room and that bed all he saw was his Addison naked and entwined with the man who was his best friend and brother, flushed and moaning in the way he used to think only he could get her.

What just happened was a reclaiming of sorts , his way of making Addie his again.

Disgusting.

She's in the shower now , he can see her slim body slumped against the translucent glass , cold water pounding down on her.

He touches her carefully this time, fingers skimming the bruises already forming on her hips and wrists , the reddened skin of her neck and her breasts, softly kisses her bleeding lip.

She dissolves into his arms and there under the freezing water, she finally cries in his slippery embrace, cries until she can't breathe anymore.

 ** _Please review. A little dark, I know , but they still have so many secrets and lies between them it would be sort of weird if they went to normal right away._**


	9. Chapter 9

**_I swear I will never again read a fic without reviewing now that I know how it hurts to write and have no one review._** ** _Basically, please review._**

CALLIE 'S POV

Oh my god. Oh my _god. Oh my god._

What had she just _done?_ It was just supposed to be dinner for gods sake , dinner and then their own respective beds.

Oh god. Addison is going to know in about three seconds when she sees her face and she can't face her know , not after denying her suspicions last time.

 _Oh god._

"Hey Callie!"

 _Here we go. Act normal._

"Hee-ey Addison ! I _missed_ you ."

 _Normal, Callie, normal._

She turns slowly to look at Callie over her shoulder , one perfectly arched eyebrow raised.

" Something I'm missing here?"

" No. Hehe.Why would you be missing anything, it's not like I'm , uh, _hiding_ something, no way , why would I do that, nope. Nothing missing here."

" If you say so. " Addison snorts, turning back to her charting in the lounge.

She's wearing a long sleeved high necked black dress that looks fantastic against her pale skin and red hair but is kind of funereal.

Maybe she should ask about that , get Addie' s razor sharp mind working on something else.

"How'd it go anyway, at dinner last week? Did you scope her out, see if she's any good?"

" Wh-what?" she splutters into her scalding coffee.

This time Addison actually put down her pen , turns all the way around in her chair and stares at her friend over her glasses.

" The Peds surgeon , Callie? Dr . Robbins? We interviewed her before I left, I was supposed to take her to dinner, make her feel all welcome but then Richard all but forced us to leave and I asked you to go instead?"

" Oh. Oh yeah , she's , um yeah, she's really great. ...and a ...surgeon. ...and she saves kids and she's uh , great. She'll be great for you to work with. Perky, you know..."

Addison stares at the babbling resident for a while , and then it hits her.

 _Are you speaking the vagina monologues now?_

" _Calliope Iphegenia Torres ,_ you _like_ her don't you!." she crows , eyes lighting up in triumph.

" What? No , I. ..."

" Oh, come on, Callie ,you're _blushing_ and _glowing._ "

" Oh, okay, I like her. Get off my back now, you were right, I like girls .Vagina monologues and all that."

Addison scoots over to her on the wheeled chair, ocean eyes alight with excitement.

"What happened? "

" We ...went out to dinner, had a bit too much wine, then she kissed me - in a public bathroom no less - and before I knew it ee were in her hotel room and well. ..."

"Was it good?" Addison is like a sixteen year old , honestly, demanding details and squealing girlishly .

"Oh yeah, it was...it was _amazing."_

"Better than Dr.Hahn?"

"Addison . Get out of my sex life ! "

"Wait a minute, I thought were gonna sleep with Mark, you asked me before I left - "

"About that...I might be putting him on hold a while."

Addison giggles and then lets loose with "I kissed a girl and I liked it , the taste of her cherry chapstick. ..."

" Shut up Addie, someone will _hear!"_

" So?"

" My family doesn't. ...understand. We're Catholic."

" Oh. They'll come around.

And anyway, come here. I'm so happy for you, at least one of us is happy. "

 _What does she mean, one of us, she's the one who's married to the love of her life and giving him a second chance .Isn't she?_

And when Addie pulls her close she sees it, the little red half circle under her lipstick and the faint bluish marks encircling her wrists where her sleeve rides up.

"Addie?"

"What ? Are you finally gonna tell me I was right all along , because it'd be pretty cool to hear that..."

She pushes the other woman's rich red tresses away from her neck , gapes at the red marks in her delicate skin - hickeys these are not - and unceremoniously yanks down the demure neckline of her dress, ignoring her protests to find the same across her collarbone and disappearing into the lacy black bra.

" What exactly happened in the last three days?"

" We went to New York,packed up our old lives , we're moving on, come on Callie you know that."

" Oh no no no no , don't you give me that shit , he did this to you didn't he ,the bastard?"

" We got a little. ... _ahem_ , rough."

" _Rough_ is your head hitting the headboard and creaking bedsprings , not looking like an assault victim !"

" Callie calm down, really its not what it looks like and _believe_ me I know what this looks like - but it's not, we just get a little carried away sometimes..."

"This has happened _before? "_

"Callie , it's been a horrific year, for us both , and the house, seeing it again just brought back everything that made us leave New York and...it's not what it looks like, okay?"

She glares at her friend , but then smooths her dress back into place and tucks her silky hair behind her ear.

 _Butt out Callie, they've been married eleven years , they can handle their fights._

 _But she's going to keep an eye on Addie just the same; the woman is entirely too deluded when it comes to Derek Shepherd and his ways and Callie 's not entirely sure that the redheaded surgeon ever tells her half of what's on her mind anyway._

"This better not happen again or neurosurgeon or not, I'll smash his knuckles with my hammer."

" I believe you." Addison says. " I should get going , I have a transfer coming in from Mercy West. Have you seen Stevens?"

" Oh jeez that girl is _weird._ She's been extra sunny and bright since you left , so might wanna bring a barf bag."

" Thanks for the warning. " Addison says drily , and pages Stevens to the ER herself as she walks down to wait by the double doors of the ambulance bay.

This is a rare once in a lifetime case , and even though Stevens currently hates her she wants her to be in on it.

She finds the statesque blonde waiting by the bay already , shifting her weight impatiently.

"You paged, Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd? "

" Yup .You need to see this- it's double the fun .Literally. "

" Well, as long as the patient isn't _dying_ or anything, I am at your service."

" Good." Addison deadpans, laughing to herself at how eerily similar this intern is to herself when she was an intern.

 _She just hopes that all the things that came after intern year and turned her into the person she is today don't happen to Izzie as well._

The ambulance rolls in and as they roll their patient off Izzie reads the chart.

" Uterus didelphys, pregnant with twins... _holy crap_ Dr. Montgomery!

She has two uteruses? Uteri? "

" Uhm...uteruses."

" Two uteruses! " Izzie grins, sulk forgotten.

" Welcome back, Stevens."

DEREK'S POV

He's been having a good day. He woke up with his wife this morning, made her breakfast in bed (well, cereal, but for a change there was no snarking. ) ,they drove to work _together_ and he did a perfect craniotomy this morning , and now he is standing on the walkway with Meredith explaining post - op care for his patient in professional teacherly manner. It's even a clear sunny day today, and he and Addie are going to go look at rentals today so they can start work on the house.

So yes, he was having a perfect day, up until the point where he sees a familiar tall , short haired woman saunter up Izzie Stevens , who is talking to a jealous looking Alex Karev, at the main desk.

"Did I hear you say two uteruses?"

" _Nancy pants? "_

Hey Loser."

He watches Mark hug his sister and say something in her ear. She steps back, puts her hands on his shoulders and looks at him, smiling.

Derek can't help but smile; Mark was always the girls surrogate brother.

"Nancy! "

"Oh my god Addison how _are_ you?" .

He notices that hishis oldest sister clings to his wife a little longer than she normally would have, brushes back her hair and rests a hand on her cheek.

" Where is my idiot little brother anyway?"

" Here." he's at the foot of the stairs now, having dismissed Meredith.

He suffers through the mandatory hug and jibes about how old he's looking , asks about her kids and her husband and her practice.

He can see she's bursting with questions and is momentarily grateful for the crowded hospital lobby they're in.

"Did I hear you say two uteruses ?" she asks Addie , eyes gleaming.

" What? Yeah, two uteruses, double pregnancy. "

" I wanna see the two uteruses! "

Derek and Mark chuckle. Nancy has

always been curious to the point of nosy and interfering.

" Why don't you join me, I'll just go check on a patient upstairs - I don't think she'll deliver anytime soon - meet me in ten minutes?"

" Definitely. That'll give me some time to straighten things out won't it brother dear ?"

And with that , she seized his sleeve and dragged him into the elevator with her.

 _Shit._

NANCY'S POV

It was great to see Mark again , she reflects , as her brother gets her a cup of coffee in the empty attendings lounge.

He's taking his sweet time with it, she notices , avoiding her inevitable questions as long as possible - a defense mechanism picked up after a lifetime with four overinquisitive sisters and their eerily prescient mother.

Mark is still his philandering immature gloriously hot self, and if the events of the past year have affected him at all _( how could they not ?)_ , he's not letting on.

Derek is as obstinate and secretive as usual, she'll grill him for all the details, but she doesn't understand what possessed the fool to leave Addie in the first place - that last year in New York he'd been so distant, missing family dinners and treating Addison so horribly their mother had confessed she wanted to slap him upside the head like she would when he was little , bring him to his senses.

She knows that Addie slept with Mark and obviously he has a right to be angry, but come on , it's Mark. Sleeping with Mark is practically a stage in everyone's life.

 _Actually she's not sure Derek knows about Mark and his sisters, but she won't bust that one out right now. Best save it for later._

It's what happened _before_ that she's interested in - what made him move across the continent, take a new job in Seattle of all places and above all, what gave him the right to have an _affair,_ a full blown affair with an _intern_ and not a midlife crisis , thats what she's here to find out .

 _Her little brother is having a midlife crisis , so what does that make her? Ugh._

Seeing Addie was the most shocking of all three - she remembers New York Addison, all shiny haired and confident, looking like she fell off a runway at fashion week, but most of all the mischievous sparkle in her eyes, like the ocean under bright midday sun.

She's still gorgeous and hasn't lost the heels but she's _different_ somehow, seems beaten down, thinner and paler and her _eyes,_ it was like looking at a whole different person, so faraway and distant.

And what was with that dress, she's never known Addie to dress like a nun before.

Quite the opposite actually.

He finally gets her the coffee - only so much you can stir it and fiddle with cream and sugar - and sits down resignedly next to her.

"Mom sent you out didn't she. "

" Duh."

" Shoot. " He says , leaning back into the couch.

" _Why,_ Derek?

" She _slept_ with my best friend, Nancy."

" I know, but I'm asking why we're you such a ...jerk, back in New York, that last year? You were always at the hospital even though another surgeon could have taken some of your shifts, you're not the only neurosurgeon.

I mean, you never came to dinners ,it was always just Addie and Mark, whenever one of us turned up at your house you were either both gone or it was Addison there all alone or with Mark , I mean what we're you expecting to happen when you practically abandon your none -too -ugly wife with your manwhore best friend?

I'm not saying what they did was right - it's incredibly sick and screwed up- but Derek she had a one night stand.

You on the other hand came out here and practically proposed to that anemic little girl."

He takes his arm off his eyes, and the look in them is almost too much to bear. The last time he looked so hollow was when Amelia almost killed her stupid self. And when Dad died.

She wants to hug him then , hold him close like she did when he was small enough to get her arms around but that would just get her kicked out so she resists the urge.

" It...was all just top much. The..."

" Miscarriage? " she's the only one in the family who knows, because as an OB she's the one who tested Addie's blood and it was still so early they hadn't told anyone.

They didn't tell anyone after either , Addison ' s WASP stiff upper lip kicked in and she decided she couldn't face the sympathy.

" The miscarriage, and I just felt so _useless_ because Addie was hurting so much but you know how she is, wouldn't show it at all, pretending it was all okay, but I was ...I was falling apart too but she couldn't _stand_ it when I let it show.

She'd cry , in her sleep , in the shower, in her office late at night when she thought I was asleep and I couldn't face putting the weight of my misery on top of hers, so I ...worked.

I worked all the time so I could feel like someone needed me , like could help someone if not my wife, and I abandoned her, and we both wanted to try again for a baby but it was like we only had one chance and we'd blown it already.

That made it even worse, she just ...stopped hoping.

You know how badly she wanted a baby, and overnight she just went cold and indifferent.

It's her _coping_ thing, I think ; when she was little Bizzy used to tell her that tears are for the bedroom and so when Addie can't have something she wants and it's killing her she just blocks it out, shuts herself in and doesn't let anyone get near her, doesn't let anyone help. She'll help you get over your shit but she never faces up to her crap , just buries it and glosses over it like it never happened.

And when I walked in on her and Mark...she never let me comfort her and here she was, all over my best friend, and you know what the worst thing was, I _knew._

I always knew this would happen because I saw it even if Mark thinks I never noticed"

his voice cracks and Nancy's heart breaks for him.

" He loves her Nancy, always has. She doesn't know , for some reason she never notices anyone else but me - he smiles disbelievingly- but he's loved her since he met her. Since _we_ met her.

But I asked her out first, and he was like ...her brother or something, like Archer, she joked around with him, she could tell him stuff and she listened to what he had to say and they were great friends, he was like Sav and Naomi to her.

So he kept his distance and he was really good about it but sometimes I'd catch him looking at her like he's watching the sun rise, hold her hand a bit too long, spend a little too much time with her.And I ...I thought that what if he's better for her anyway , what if I don't deserve this gorgeous amazing intelligent woman; it's like mom always says, she's _different_ from us , grew up with hou _ses_ and boats and trust funds. I couldn't ever believe she chose me, not even at our wedding, but Mark's not different.

He might have been an honorary Shepherd but he's from that world too, he had a childhood just as fucked up as Addie ' s and he gets her on a level that I never have.

So I've always been scared of losing her, and when I walked in on them that day, I thought...I thought I finally had."

 _Oh Derek, why didn't you tell anyone . Why didn't you tell Addie?_

She rubs his arm soothingly, her heart is aching to see him like this, coming undone, so vulnerable

"Why didn't you stay, though? Why didn't you fight?"

" I did fight. I fought for eleven years of our marriage and four years before that but I thought if I couldn't make Addie happy then she deserves to be happy with someone else.

Someone who wouldn't abandon her because they're too scared to get her to face her feelings and pick her up after she's done . I wasn't good enough Nancy,I wasn't _good enough,_ and she deserved better."

" Oh Der.She _loves you,_ so much.

I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at you, we've all seen it since you brought her home for Christmas fifteen years ago - you were in your first year of med school , and oh my god we were sooo excited to finally meet your girl, and in walks this supermodel gorgeous girl in sky high heels and a posh accent and I swear Mom just about died, she thought she'd break your heart for sure .

But then we saw how sweet and warm and funny and genuine she was- remember how she was the only one who could get Amy into her dress and into church that year? - and just a little bit awkward -she was so terrified of Mom she was practically stuttering - and we knew she really loved you when Mom found her upstairs holding you at night on Christmas Eve instead of getting drunk with us downstairs because that's when you miss Dad the most.

That's why she gave you that ring four years later when you told us you were proposing.

She could have gone anywhere in the world that year , Derek, but she chose to come to Queens with you and spend that and every other Christmas with your crazy family.

She could have married a filthy rich thoroughbred and been a trophy wife, but no Derek she chose to be your wife instead.

She could have cheated on you at any time in that year with any number of men but when it happened it was _Mark_ , he was always _just_ _there -_ and _everyone_ sleeps with Mark, its like a requirement or something - Derek when you flew here she followed you , she fought for your marriage while you did your best to push her away and hurt her.

She watched you with that girl but she stayed.

What does that tell you Derek?"

" I'm...an ass?"

"And an idiot too. And a loser and a jerk and and a..."

"Okay enough."

" Fix it Derek. Don't let her go, because of some wrinkle in the fabric of the universe she loves your sorry ass, and I'll never understand why.

Forgive her , and forgive Mark - what the three of you had was rare, friendship and love like that is so rare and life is short and all that jazz, so please Derek stop hurting yourself and Addie, and just start over.

She's the real deal...and also she's my sister so if you hurt her I'll hurt you.

And you're my little brother so I'll have to hurt her too, and you _know_ I won't like that!"

she squeals, ruffling his enviably perfect hair and pulling him into a crushing hug.

" Umpf. Get _off_ , Nancy pants. "

" All good?"

" Better. Thanks , Nance. You're a better shrink than Kathleen. "

" Don't let her hear that please. " she laughs, imagining her sister's shrieking if that ever happened.

"I should call more often, you make me feel better ." he teases tickling her stomach and head butting her like they're kids again.

"Sooo...what will you report back to Mom?"

" I'll tell her you're your old dumb insensitive self who can't see when his wife loves him and that the era of the intern is _over_. She'll be so relieved, secretly she likes Addie more than us."

Derek snorts "Yeah I can believe that. She called Addie a million times after I left but only _now_ does she dispatch you like a evil little spy to see if still alive."

"Hey."

They sit in companiable silence for a while until Nancy leaps up , remembering the two pregnant uteruses and Addie's promise to meet her.

"I should get going or you wife won't show me her two uteruses"

"That sounds a little weird Nance, try not to say it in public." He hugs her tight and lifts her off her feet a little.

"I wish you'd told me we were coming, we could've planned something."

" That's exactly what Mark said you know, you two are more like each other than you'll ever know."

" Speaking of Mark, what do you mean _everyone_ sleeps with him...oh god Nancy tell me you didn't -"

At the sight of her guilty face his jaw drops open .

"Come on Derek, he's like a really interactive stress buster, and when we came home from med school on breaks we didn't have the luxury of loyal boyfriends following us like Addie came with you - whenever you came home anyway- so you gotta, you know, scratch the itch, and Mark's a really good scratcher. "

" What do you mean , _we..._ Kathleen ? And oh jesus, Lizzie too? I'm going to _kill him,_ if he got anywhere near Amy too I'll torture him first-"

" Oh no ,no , Amy's like his baby sister too, they wouldn't -"

" Shut up Nancy pants, that's what you said about you three and look at you now, using my friend as a dildo."

" Shut up. I'm you big sister , you don't get to butt into my sex life."

"You butt in mine all the time!"

She smirks "You're my _baby_ brother, I get to butt all I want. Anyway I don't think I'll be butting anytime soon, Addie can take care of you, she's grownup ."

And she walks out and leaves him spluttering indignantly to go in search of her sister in law and the two uteruses that are such a great addition to her trip - coming out here just to knock some sense into her little brothers head seemed like a bit of a waste anyway.

 ** _Reviewwwwwww plsssssssssss._**


	10. Chapter 10

**_Okay, so this is quite dark and all the Derek lovers will probably hate me for this, but felt it was essential to where I'm going with this fic._** ** _I do not mean to trivialise domestic violence in any way._** ** _Also , please vent in the reviews if you need to._**

ADDISON'S POV

She's sitting on the trailer deck in the gathering dark, stealing sips of Derek's beer but refusing to get her own.

They've always done this; shared food and drinks. Clichéd, but it's one of their things.

Nancy has decamped to a hotel, having taken one look at the trailer and refused to

" set foot in that tin can." as she so eloquently put it.

Addison always knew there was a reason why she liked Nance.

They've found the perfect apartment, too , they're slated to move in in a week.

So she's sitting here , supposed to be looking over blueprints Derek has drawn for the house he wants to build.

Privately, she thinks he's lost his mind; he can't even find the damn blueprints in the cluttered trailer.

She knows they need to talk; these weeks together have been blissfully perfect with the exception of the New York trip, but they can't exist in this bubble forever.

 _This is what you do , Addison, you run away from your crap and everything's fine and lovely till it's not anymore. Derek deserves better, if he's giving you this second chance, he needs to know what he's getting into._

She just can't bring herself to drag up this discussion though because he's just so _happy,_ and it's like their golden years again, he looks at her with so much love and trust she doesn't want to be the one to extinguish that happy sparkle again.

"Got em!" he yells from inside the trailer, and comes crashing out on to the deck with the prints in hand.

"Scoot over." there's another lounger on the deck but she remembers that this is another one of their things, cuddling. Derek's a big cuddler.

She slides over willingly - its big enough anyway- and he fits his body along the length of hers, one arm around her shoulders and the other in her lap holding the prints.

She tucks her head under his chin and rests on his shoulder, snuggling into his warmth and breathing in his smell.

 _Grow up, Addison ._

" Derek, we need to - "

" Talk."

She lifts her head from his shoulder in surprise; Derek hates this sort of thing too.

"I talked to Nancy this afternoon, and she managed to make me believe that if we're gonna work this out - be the way we used to be, then we won't get anywhere unless we know where we're going , exactly, and where we're coming from, so yeah, we need to talk.

Proud of me much? "

She flops back down on him, relieved that he's the one who initiated this. " Very proud, dear husband. Very mature."

He kisses the top of her tousled head " I can be , when I want to."

"Also, I like the way you say husband. " He kisses her ear, then her jaw.

She loses herself for a moment , savors this last bit of bliss before she blows it all to hell .

" Derek. Talk. Remember? "

" Later ? Please ?"

Reluctantly she pushes him away - later sounds excellent, especially with the way he was just kissing her - but they can't keep using hot sex to diatrct themselves and let their emotional clusterfucks pile up higher and higher till it all explodes.

" Derek."

" Ok." he pulls back .

" Wait. We are going to take turns. You go , then I'll go. Or we'll just keep talking over each other and get nowhere."

She stares at him dumbfounded "What did Nancy _do_ to you ?"

"Made me realise I'm an idiot, among other choice adjectives. "

" Better her than me. And look - if you want to yell, yell. We _are_ in the middle of the woods , no one can hear you."

" Again with the trailer. ..."

" Okay, okay, who's going first?"

" You?"

"All right. " she sits up again a little, heart aching for what she's about to do to him.

" Hear me out okay, all the way. Then you can yell. And Derek - no matter what I'm about to say, I love you. I love you so damn much it hurts and it...it kills me to do this but you deserve the truth . So just remember that I have _always_ loved you , from the day we met."

She takes a deep breath , looks down. It's beautiful out here in the late evenings, sun setting over trees in a glorious wash of reds and purples and yellows streaked with cool clear blue and for a moment she just takes in the peace of it all, the fresh air and chirping crickets, willing it to steady her voice.

 _No anesthesia._

" Mark. He wasn't just a one night stand. We lived together, for two months . After you left. I loved him Derek - at least I thought I did - but he's Mark and I. ...caught him with someone else. That brought me to my senses and I came out here. " by the end if it she's nearly whispering, tears blurring her vision.

She feels him tense up, his arm tightens around her shoulder and suddenly she flashes back to last night in the brownstone and she's suffocating, heart racing.

But then he pulls his arm away and that's somehow worse.

He opens his mouth and a ragged breath comes out, but its best to get it all out at once so she goes on in a choked whispered rush.

" And I'm so sorry, I'm sorry Derek and I _hate_ myself for this but I. ...I got...I got pregnant, Derek.

I was pregnant with his baby and I have never hated myself so much. I always wanted a baby, Derek, but with _you,_ I wanted _your_ baby, and I couldn't. ... I just couldn't do it so I. ...I aborted it, I aborted Mark's baby."

He looks so tortured in that moment that she can't stop the hot tears that burst silently from their dam, coursing down her cheeks in a parade of shame.

DEREK'S POV

He remembers the day Addison had her miscarriage, she was fine that morning, went to work as usual. She was in the OR doing a myomectomy, he remembers, a long and difficult surgery because the tumor was too big, too vascular.

He knows this because he dropped into the gallery to talk to her over the speaker, ask her how long she'd be because he was taking her out to dinner that night .

She looked up at him, eyes apologetic over the mask that covered her face, said she'd been here three hours already and would probably need three more.

He remembers that he was worried about her spending so long on her feet, he told her to take a break, get some water.

 _"Watch her for me Sally." He called to her scrub nurse , who was the only person at the hospital who knew about the pregnancy; Derek had insisted she tell her so that if something happened in surgery. ... . Addie rolled her eyes, shooed him away with a motion of her bloody hand._

He remembers he didn't stay. He had a surgery too.

He remembers a bug - eyed intern barging into his OR two hours later, telling him to get down to the fourth floor NOW.

Fourth floor is OB GYN.

 _Nonononono. Jesus Mary and Joseph don't **do** this to Addie. _

He remembers Addie on a gurney, writhing under bloodstained sheets.

Ectopic pregnancy they said, never had a chance.

They never had the chance to even get their first ultrasound.

Addie's blood pressure dropped dangerously low, she'd lost so much blood internally they transfused her with four units.

 _It's always like this with Addie, the damage on the inside so much worse than what she lets you see on the outside._

Hypovolemic shock, they said.

In med school they don't teach you that you go into into shock too , watching the one you love in pain .

She woke up a few hours later, Fallopian tube salvaged but minus the baby she had so wanted .

She was inconsolable, kept saying it was her fault, she should have taken a break , gotten off her feet.

The world's foremost neonatal and maternal fetal surgeon, blaming herself for an ectopic pregnancy that was doomed the day it began.

Shock, they said, of a different kind.

He gets away from her like she's burned him, stands at the end of the deck facing the trees because he can't look at her, not now.

He runs his hands through his hair, fists them and wonders what it would be like to pull his hair out and scream like in the movies.

Those cold lonely days after the miscarriage, Addie pushing him away because she was so suffocated by his grief.

 _No , Derek I can't try again, not now , not so soon._

 _It wasn't just a fetus, Derek, it was a baby, our baby just died and you want to replace it like a ...a broken thing or something, like that's going to make me feel better?_

She replaced it. With another man's baby.

 _Mark's_ baby.

She killed that one too.

He can hear her now, sobbing softly on the deck chair.

Hate and rage bubbles up in him and he swings around like he's on autopilot and he's dragging Addie out of the chair, sodden with tears he can't stand the sight of.

"YOU FUCKED MY BEST FRIEND, ADDISON AND I BELIEVED YOU WHEN YOU SAID IT WAS A ONE NIGHT STAND.

I'VE BEEN KILLING MYSELF THIS WHOLE TIME THAT I HAD AN AFFAIR AND YOU JUST HAD ONE NIGHT WITH MARK , BUT IT WASN'T ONE NIGHT WAS IT ADDISON, NO, LIKE THE WHORE YOU ARE YOU LIVED WITH HIM FOR TWO MONTHS - TWO MONTHS - AND YOU GOT PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD AND NOW YOU TELL ME."

He takes deep steadying breaths, the ground is spinning under his feet and his voice is hoarse.

" You're a coward that's what you are." He spits venomously, not caring that he's tearing her to pieces, glorying in the tears now openly pouring down her face.

"You're a fucking cowardly baby killer, that's what you are, it wasn't enough that you killed my child, you went and killed his too - or was it even his, Addison?

I mean, how many other men did you fuck? You think you're god, saving babies in surgeries all day long, but outside where it really matters you're a murderer.

Satan, remember?

You're a murderer, Addison Montgomery, a selfish killer , god knows how many babies you've killed , and here I've been all along, trying to make it work with you, and you've probably been screwing someone else this whole time, haven't you, you just can't get enough, you bitch - "

She's on her knees in the dirt now, sobbing in deep gaspy breaths, face in her hands.

 _How dare she hide, hide from him, from Mark after what she's done._

 _He thinks of Mark , the puppy look in his eyes when he looks at his wife, and wondered what he looked like when Addison told him she'd killed his child._

 _Did she tell him?_

He can't fucking stand the sound of her anymore, he yanks her up to her feet roughly and she tries to take his face in her hands like she did in New York when he caught them together and that's what tips him finally over the dangerous edge he's been teetering on.

He doesn't know what he's doing, can barely feel his limbs through his tingling rage, all he knows is that he can't stand to have her touching him, and he lashes out with his left hand, pushing her away ,in the pitch darkness that has fallen he feels it strike flesh and the remorse is so brief it's barely there.

He barely hears her cry out through the sound of blood pounding in his ears,with a bellow of sorrow and fury he flings the beer bottle still in his hand into the darkness. It shatters somewhere.

Addison doesn't bother to get off the ground , he notices.

 _Spineless cowardly bitch._

"You deserved it , every second of every painful humiliating minute I've put you through, with Meredith, with everything.

You _deserved_ to lose our baby, you _deserved_ your shitty parents caring so little about you they don't even know you've left New York yet - they don't care about you, you know, and I know why - you're just a fucking useless whiny stuck up bitch who cares about yourself, just yourself."

He can't even get up the will to scream anymore.

"Come on , Addison, get the fuck up. Aren't you going to grovel- " _sorry Derek I'm so sorry."-_ he mimics a high nasal tone that's nothing like her at all.

" Oh but of course you won't, because that's what you do, you fucking run when it doesn't go your way, it always has to be how you want it doesn't it - "

He realises belatedly that she's not saying anything at all, that he can't even hear the grating sound of her sobs anymore.

"Addison? " he calls out sharply. " Get up for gods sake, for once in your life face your mistakes -"

And the sight at his feet makes his blood run cold, because Addison hasn't run off into the woods to escape him like he'd thought, she's lying on her side with her head in the wooden deck, her skin slick with blood from where the rough wood edge has sliced into her temple, trickling from a cut in her cheekbone and from her arm - _why is her arm sparkling -_ and he bends to look and almost throws up when he sees that the bottle he flung has shattered beside her and she must have rolled into it when she tried to get up.

While he yelled at her.

So much blood.

" Addison don't move , don't move , I'm taking you to the hospital. "

Everything is a blur through his tears from then on, running practised fingers over Addie's bloodied head to check for fractures - _that he caused_ \- and thank god there are none, getting her into the car because an ambulance will take forever , driving like a bat out of hell to Seattle Grace.

The only clear point is Addie groping for his hand as he lifts her into the backseat, and what she says is a cold dagger in his heart because after everything she's still looking out for him.

" _Don't tell them Derek , don't tell them what happened .I fell okay , Derek, I fell and that's it. Promise me. Please."_

and he does, if only because there's no time to argue .

BAILEY'S POV

It's quiet in the ER tonight, but of course she can't say that out loud or she'll jinx it.

But it's quiet, and she's grateful for the momentary peace because at home its always the baby crying and Tucker nagging at her so today she has done herself a favor and volunteered to cover the night shift in the pit.

The phone at the nurses station rings, shrill and needy.

 _What damn fool paramedic is calling on the phone?_

The EMTs never call on the direct line unless it's an emergency, the ambulance dispatcher calls them on his special line.

So the phone ringing is either a very, very bad trauma, or some poor new EMT is about to have his ass handed to him by Miranda Bailey.

" Yes, Dr. Shepherd , of course."

 _Shepherd?_

"What that damn man want now?" she asks the confused looking nurse still clutching the phone.

She's new too.

" It was Dr.Shepherd, uh, Derek Shepherd, he sounded really freaked out, said something about uh Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd - she fell or something, he said to page. ...you. And Chief Webber ."

" I'm here aren't I , so go page Dr. Webber, don't stand there." she snaps.

She's suddenly worried; Addison Shepherd is one of her favorite people in this hospital, and what could possibly have happened that Derek wouldn't wait for an ambulance ?

She remembers that they were going to look at rentals, Addison said that in the scrub room today while she was scrubbing out and Bailey was scrubbing in and she remembers that the older woman looked thrilled to be moving out of the trailer they lived in.

" Bailey? What happened?" it's the Chief, worry etched on his face.

The Shepherds are like kids to him, to Adele too.

" I dunno , Chief , the He - Shepherd called in about five minutes ago, said Addison 'd fallen or something. Sounded scared, apparently."

They glove up, slide trauma gowns over their scrubs.

The familiar beat up Jeep swerves into the ambulance bay, horn blaring and Derek nearly falls out the door, yelling for a gurney.

She and the Chief jump forward, it's a dance that they do everyday and they know the steps by heart , set to the tune of ambulance sirens and racing hearts.

It's different this time, because there aren't any sirens and the bloodied body Derek lifts single handedly onto the gurney is one of their own.

"Derek _what happened? "_ the Chief's demands, and is answered not by Shepherd who looks like he's going to lose his dinner on the floor, but by Addison.

" I fell." she coughs out, then giggles. "So stupid, it was dark..."

"Is she drunk?" Bailey looks at the pale neurosurgeon.

" N-no."

"You fall off your stupid shoes, honey?"

" Something like that. "

As they wheel her into trauma one, Derek turns and vomits on the dark cemented walkway, choking on bile and shame, tears falling into the sick smelling puddle.

RICHARD ' S POV

" 38 year old female - "

" Hey, keep it down. " Addison laughs hoarsely.

\- deep laceration to the left temple, puncture wounds and embedded glass in the right arm , small laceration on the right cheekbone and bruising to the face , left chest and abdomen." rattles off the triage nurse.

"Addie, sweetie, we need you to tell us wha t happened here." He tells her, but of course she knows that.

He sniffs. She smells like beer and fresh mud, it's caked with the blood in her hair and her clothes.

" It's dark, Richard, out by the trailer, and I slipped , hit my head on the deck."

" And this?" he gestures to what is clearly a bottle stuck in bits in her arm.

"There was a bottle lying there, I rolled on to it when I was trying to get up, clearly I'm heavy enough to break it to pieces ."

"You two have got to get a house." He mutters, reaching for a suture kit.

"Get me some gauze and Betadine! " Bailey yells.

" And Addie what are these?" he asks, trailing a gloved hand over her wrist.

"Oh , we were packing up yesterday, you know, and I banged around a lot. Boxes and stuff , heavy things, clumsy me."

BAILEY'S POV

It's plausible.

It's entirely plausible, or at least it would be if Derek weren't sitting outside trauma one with his head in his hands, smelling of vomit and beer instead of inside where he should be, no one asked him to leave.

It would be, if she didn't know for a fact that Addison is OCD about cleanliness , even in the trailer, and would never let him leave a bottle lying by the deck like a drunkard.

It would be , if she didn't know Addison Shepherd to be a highly intelligent woman capable of pulling the wool over just about anyone's eyes, and blindly loyal to her husband.

Her husband, who is red eyed and frantic over a little blood, when he sees oceans of it on a daily basis.

And Miranda Bailey is not just anyone, but it's not her place to voice her suspicions.

" Page Dr. Torres. " she orders.

CALLIE ' S POV

She's just about to leave the hospital and meet Arizona (!) when her pager goes off.

"Noooo." she mumbles, reaching for it automatically and continues to walk towards the exit - Heron can take it, she just signed over to her as the on - call resident - but when she sees what it is she takes off for the ER .

" Addie, what the hell?"

" What are you doing here, you have a date!" Addison demands, widening her eyes , which has a weird effect seeing as her right eye has a deep purple bruise forming under it.

There are tiny puncture marks on her arm, along with the bruises she'd seen this morning , a thin deliberate looking cut on her perfect cheekbone and a nasty gash in her temple, which has been covered with a bandage.

She's got mud in her hair and blood on her clothes and she smells like. ...beer, but she's incongruously sober.

"How exactly did you fall? Off your highest heels, into a crate of bottles?"

" Callie, go on your date."

She picks up Addison's hand " So you fell , hit your head on the deck, rolled on a bottle and - what? A unicorn came by and nicked your face with its horn? And punched you in the cheek?"

" Callie. I fell."

" Yeah." she snorts. "And I'm straight."

Addison blinks mulishly at her.

 _So stubborn._

Is this what you call _rough,_ too?" Callie knows she's being harsh , but doesn't she _see_ this is how it starts, this is what they all say, _I fell,_ the age-old hiding place of jerky assholes.

" Callie, I just need you to be my friend right now, okay? So shut it ."

" No, Addison, I can't shut it. You can either tell me how you _fell_ , or I can go call the cops and you can tell them about _rough."_

 _" Callie. "_ the bruised redhead

sighs."Please."

" You have three seconds. "

They stare each other down, brown into stormy sea green, until Callie turns and reaches for the door.

"He didn't hit me." Addison relents .

" Really. "

" Yes, really . He pushed me, I fell. "

" Right on a bottle. "

" He threw it there, I rolled onto it. "

"And this? " she asks, gesturing to her friends pretty face.

"He was trying to - to push me away, got my face with his ring. "

" What in gods name were you two doing up there? "

" Talking? "

" Is this the truth, Addie? All of it?"

" Yeah. " she whispers, suddenly looks away, unable to face her.

Callie sinks onto the bed, wraps her arms round the slim shaking shoulders.

" Sweetie, what did you talk about?"

" What I told you about. Mark's baby."

And that's it, that's all she can take because she breaks into body racking sobs, trembling in her arms like her soul is breaking apart.

 _After this, I'm going to go find a hammer._

 ** _So! Still with me? Please stay I promise I'll make it worth your while._**

 ** _Also, review with any suggestions or reviews you might have !_**


	11. Chapter 11

**_This chapter is a little long, and for those of you who left suggestions and requests in the reviews, keep an eye out!_** **_The rest of you, watch and learn._**

 ** _BAILEY'S POV_**

She pounces on Callie the moment she bangs out of the door of trauma one.

"What happened?"

" I need a. ... a hammer, and -"

" "Did she _tell_ you anything?"

" Hammer...wait, what?"

" You deaf , Callie Torres? I asked if she _told_ you anything."

Callie looks down at the bristly little resident who next to her is the only person looking out for Addison , not blinded by Derek's McDreamy persona.

" You're thinking what I'm thinking."

" I dunno what you're thinking exactly, but I think I think what you're thinking. "

"Uh...I'll take that as a yes. But unless Addie chooses to press charges herself, there's nothing we can do."

" I'll take it she's not pressing charges."

" She wouldn't even tell me what happened until I threatened to call the cops on him."

"When I get my hands on him..."

"He didn't hit her." Callie blurts, worried that Bailey will get to Derek before she does, and she really needs to vent.

" She's saying he pushed her really hard, his ring caught her face and I think she's telling the truth, her injuries are consistent with her story."

" That woman has more medical certifications than names, and that's saying something. .. ... So _why_ she so damn stubborn and blind when it comes to that no - good husband of hers? "

Callie sighs. "She loves him, Bailey, she loves him too much for her own good."

 ** _MEREDITH 'S POV_**

She leans against the nursing station, watches Derek run a hand down his wife's cheek - she's sleeping, they doped her up with morphine when the pain hit - and feels her gut twist.

She might be with Finn now, and he's perfect for her, really he is, but who is she kidding, she can't get her mind off Derek.

 _Pick me. Choose me . Love me._

He had his chance. He chose Addison.

She knows that he loved her, in a way ; he was damaged and hurting when he met her, he'd been betrayed by the woman he loved and the man who was like his brother, and so he loved her like a distraction, a pretty little anti - Addison to soothe his bruised ego.

The way he so obviously loves Addison is like breathing, he can't help it and it's constant, involuntary.

He can't stop, or he'll die.

" How is she?" Izzie asks , coming up to her. She and Addison have been together all day, she almost seems to have forgotten the quints incident.

" Oh, she's all right. Banged up, but she'll be back soon."

" Thank god." Izzie also seems to have forgotten that Addison is the reason her friend is dark and twisty again, that she's supposed to hate Addison on principle.

 _Everyone is moving on._

He never felt that way about me." she can't help but whisper.

" George did. "

By the time she tears her eyes away from the two behind the window, Izzie is already walking away.

" Izzie !"

She holds up her hand, shakes her head without looking back.

" Not now Meredith. "

 _IZZIE'S POV_

She knows that was harsh, like kicking a dog when it's down, but she can't help it.

She watched George agonise over Meredith for the better part of a year , and when he finally spoke up she _used_ him, broke his heart in the worst way possible and left him to bleed.

So if they're picking sides, she's on George's .

Right now she needs to find Alex, because if anyone else stood to gain from the Shepherd's marriage falling apart it was him.

He thinks he hid it so well , she thinks with a shake of her head, but she saw his little glances at Addison, how he listened to everything she made him do.

 _Mini - Sloan._

She knows that whatever they had is over now - for gods sake , she'd been having sex with Alex in linen closets and supply rooms for a week now - and the Shepherds are clearly back together, for better or for worse.

But he should know, so she needs to find him.

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

When Richard paged him , he'd just gotten home accompanied by his girl of the week, someone named Darcy , a social worker on one of his cases.

Pretty , chatty, dedicated to her work.

Red haired.

 _Sort of orange actually, but red if you don't look too carefully and anyway it'll be dark_ .

Sorry babe. " He groans, rolling off the couch and reaching for his shirt. " Gotta go."

" Can't someone else do it? " she pouts prettily.

" No, not this one. " he says, reading his pager.

He finds Derek slouched against the wall outside trauma one, and when he hears footsteps his head jerks up.

He doesn't bother asking what happened, because he has a pretty good idea.

Instead he barges into the room, finds Addison propped up in bed and looking like Frankenstein's bride.

 _She is , kind of._

He says as much , and is rewarded by a pillow to the face. "What happened , Red?"

"I fell on the edge of the deck, cut my head."

" Did you?" he asks, enveloping her hand in his.

"Yeah." she whispers.

" Red, I've known you for fifteen years, and you can't hide. You can't hide from me , and I've got an idea what happened tonight, so just tell me before I punch him like he did me when I first came here. Give me an excuse, Red, please ."

" Mark, I told him. About ...about the baby."

He grits his teeth, banishes unwanted

images from his head .

 _A Yankees onesie, a tiny baby with Addison's red hair and Addison's ocean eyes in his arms . His rings on her finger, coming home to her at night , her belly round and eyes glowing._

 _Dreams, gone as quickly as they came._

" And that gives him the right to do _this_?" he gestures at her face and arm.

" He pushed me. I did the falling all by myself."

" Addie, look at me."

She does, crossing her eyes and sticking out her tongue.

"Sew up my face, Dr. Sloan."

And it's clear that this discussion is over, so he does.

He's used to this, putting her back together when Derek takes her apart, only this time it's literal.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He should be in there with her, holding her hand, but he can't.

He doesn't trust himself to be near her, because the way he loves her just seems to be destroying her .

Mark is in there now, stitching up her face.

 _" I cleaned up your messes Derek. ..."_

Not anymore.

He gets unsteadily to his feet, his head still swirling with fear, fuzzy with anger.

This anger is at himself, though, because no matter what Addison did, what he did back was so much worse.

"Shit, Derek, what happened? "

He could almost kill himself right now.

"Who called you?" he mumbles, looking anywhere but at his sister, standing there with one hand on her hip.

" Mark. "

" Of course ."

" Derek , spit it out. " she's practically in his face now, shaking him by the shoulders.

" What did you do?"

He looks at her with a lump in his throat and feels about ten again .

" _Derek what happened, what happened to Dad are you okay Derek what happened"_

and he can't get any words out , he just makes a strangled noise and lets his sister hold him.

" Derek is this anything like what happened the day Amy had her accident? Because if it is , I'll never let you near Addie again."

 _Amy bleeding and white on a stretcher, racing down a hospital corridor and Addison calling orders because he couldn't think around the roar of fear in his head, his prescription pad on her pocket, Addison trying to get him out of the way and before he knew it, the back of his hand against her face, nurses and doctors shocked silent._

" I...I pushed her and she fell." He croaks.

" _Why? "_

We were...talking. "

" And? "

" She...and and Mark , they..." He can't, won't say the rest of it.

She keeps his secrets, he'll keep hers.

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She wakes up groggy and cotton mouthed in a hospital bed, her heartbeat blipping lazily across a screen above her head.

She feels oddly light and floaty.

 _Ah, morphine._

It's dark outside, rain splatters thickly against her window but inside it's warm and bright.

There's an IV in her hand - she looks up at the bag, sees they're only running fluids- and promptly disconnects it.

Derek is by the side of her bed and when she sees him, the monitor speeds up a bit, chaotic blips blurring one into the other.

The sound wakes him from whatever daydream he's been in, and he reaches for a cup of water, holds a straw to her lips so she can drink.

 _So we're not going to say anything?_

Wordlessly she slides over to the opposite railing of the bed, pats the sheets next to her for him to come sit.

He shakes his head - he won't look at her, won't touch her.

"Derek, please."

 _I say that a lot , don't I?_

"Addie, I ...I'm sorry. " He manages, addressing her toes. "What I did was disgusting. Unforgivable. I said I was going to stay, make it work, that this was my year to try, but I've done nothing but hurt you.

I don't ...I don't trust myself anymore, to be near you because - he swallows hard, knuckles white on the edge of her bed - "I love you, I love you so goddamn much I _can't bear_ to think of you with someone else, I want you to be _mine ,_ and I know that's ridiculous after everything we've done to each other - "

" Stop. "

He looks at her finally, looks away again.

"When I was a resident, these women would come in, you know, pregnant and beaten half to death, and they went back to those same men every time, and I _swore_ to myself I'd never be those women.

I know you're angry .I know you hate me for letting Mark give me what I wouldn't take from you. I know you're hurt and I also know that I love you, and I'll stay till the day you don't want me anymore.

But this can't happen again, Derek. Three strikes and you're out , starting with what happened when Amy had the accident ."

" Th...then I'm already out."

" I'm not counting tonight, because as sick as it sounds - I deserved it. I hurt you, I hurt Mark in ways that are so awful I can't believe I did them, and I ...I took an innocent life because I couldn't get my shit together long enough to tell what I wanted."

He can't believe her - she's always been self sacrificing but this is borderline pathological .

" Addie , the way I reacted tonight and the things I said and did- _no one_ deserves that, no matter what they've done."

She looks up at him, eyes enormous with pain.

"Your morphine is wearing off, I'll -"

" No wait. We never finished talking - we'll never finish if I'm all doped up.

The whole point of talking was that we should know where we're coming from - and we _talked,_ Derek, you know about me and Mark and I know everything about you and Meredith.

There aren't any secrets anymore Derek , it's all out there in the open.

So let's not make this the way we end, please Derek, because I could have taken it last year, but not now, not after everything we've been through trying to make it work. "

"But Addie, the things I said - "

" Forget it. Forget all of it, everything you said to me and I said to you, just...forget it , okay, and lets move on Derek; with the amount of baggage we have we're never getting anywhere. "

" Forget it."

"All of it."

"Like brand new?"

" Yeah." she says, and pulls his head down for a kiss. "Like brand new."

He sits on the edge of her bed, arms slide around her like it's the most natural thing in the world. "Just like before."

"Better than that." she breathes against his lips.

" Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery - _Shepherd, -_ he can't help the grin - you are the most amazing woman I've ever met and I love you.

And from now on, you can count on me to be here.

Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'll be here. "

 ** _Happy addek coming soon, keep reading._**

 ** _Also the speed of updates is proportional to the amount of reviews, so keep em coming!_**


	12. Chapter 12

**_Fluffy fluff and mostly filler, happy Addek and hints as to where this is going._** ** _Please review, suggestions and requests are always welcome!_**

 ** _ADDISON ' S POV_**

She stumbles out of the OR - she's losing her edge , six hours on her feet at three in the morning and she's exhausted - and scrubs out in a haze .

Down in her office, the calfskin couch she had put in last week - what, she likes her office to look nice, reflect her tastes. She can't understand why Derek and Mark won't stop sniggering - beckons to her, but so do the crowd of interns and residents who are considerably louder, so she goes on rounds first.

She's standing just inside a patients room

watching O' Malley set up the ultrasound ; nice normal pregnancy except for an excess of amniotic fluid, not like the horror show that had flown in at three this morning from a county hospital, when she receives a kiss on the cheek and a steaming cup of coffee with a little muffin sitting on the lid.

" Morning, Dr. Shepherd. "

" Mmm. I remember why I married you. " she inhales the aroma of the coffee.

" For my perfect, perfect hair. And because you love how good I am in..."

" _Derek_." she hisses, gesturing to the patient with her eyes.

" What happened this morning? "

" Ugh. 29 weeks pregnant, placenta previa, starting bleeding so they flew her in, the baby was lying transverse and did _not_ want to come out, I did a crash C section but ended up doing a complete hysterectomy it was just...Murphy's Law , every bleeder I clamped just magically sprouted like two more..."

He makes a sympathetic face, steals a bite of her muffin. " Stevens any good?"

" She was great, actually. I think I may have a protégé on my hands."

 _She seemed a little off though, didn't she, when I asked her to retract a little more she barely heard me, staring at the corner like she could see something there._

 _Interns. They're weird._

" Lucky you. I have Yang this week - she's some sort of cardio savant, but she's so _disinterested_ in Neuro she's boring me to sleep in my own OR."

"Speaking of Yang, I need to go shopping for the wedding. "

" You do _not._ Can't you wear one of your three million other dresses? You look amazing in all of them."

" Thank you dear husband, but not for me. For you. Since you've become a wood chopping - "

" Flannel wearing fisherman." He finishes.

" - you don't have anything to wear. So get out of surgery by 7 tonight , because I'm taking you shopping. And to dinner."

" Date. "

"Date. " she says, turning back to go inside.

" Addie? Be my date to the wedding? " he asks, that teasing smile she knows so well on his lips.

" Love to, Dr. Shepherd " she flirts back, kisses him goodbye on the cheek, only to have him turn his head quickly and her lips brush his.

She blushes slightly, pushes him playfully in the direction of the OR board.

"Go save lives."

" On it."

" Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd? "

" What is it O ' Malley? "

" Could you, uh , take a look at this?"

She takes the probe from him, angles it expertly on the patient's belly, hoping that what she sees on the screen isn't real but just a figment of her exhausted imagination.

" Get Dr.Shepherd in here as soon as he can come." she murmurs softly to O' Malley .

" What is it, what's wrong with my baby? Is something wrong?" says the patient - Audrey Brandon , that's her name - in a voice high with fear.

" Mrs. Brandon, what I'm seeing on your ultrasound is that your baby has a condition called spina bifida. It means that the bones and the membranes around your baby's spinal cord , they haven't closed all the way, and the cord is exposed."

" Oh my god. " she says, shuddering with tears .

"My husband is in the cafeteria, he thinks we're about to have a baby, and you're telling me my baby is - what? Dying? Paralysed? Dr.Montgomery-Shepherd, please just tell me before he comes, I can't ...I can't look at him when you tell him, so just tell me now , please."

" Mrs . Brandon, there are things we can do, surgeries , - "

" You can't deliver my baby, he's too little, I'm only 20 weeks, he'll die, he's too _little_! "

" - we're not going to deliver your baby." she says gently, shifting into the patient's bed and laying a hand over hers, which is placed protectively on her belly like she can hold him in.

" We can do a procedure called an in utero repair; we only partially deliver your baby, fix his spine, put him right back where he should be, and you get to meet him a few months later when he's bigger and stronger. "

"You can do that?"

"It'll mean fewer surgeries when he's older, better chances of carrying to term and of your baby having normal function of his spine. "

" We want the surgery. " she says, looking at the doorway where her stunned looking husband is now standing, paper bag of food in hand.

" Are you sure ?" he's not asking his wife, he's asking Addison.

" I mean , have you done this before?"

" I have performed three of these procedures, Mr. Brandon, and two were successful. "

" What happened with the third one?" she understands he doesn't mean to be so harsh ; he's worried for his baby.

" We had to deliver two weeks after the initial surgery .The baby didn't make it.".

Best to give it to them straight.

" _We want the surgery. "_ Audrey says firmly.

" Honey, maybe we should -

" I want our baby to have a normal life, Tom, I want him to able to run and play and be a normal little boy, you heard Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd ; two out of three is good odds to me."

" I'll leave you to discuss it, it's a big decision , but just so you know, 20 weeks is the ideal gestational period for this surgery, so I'll need your decision as soon as you can make it." she says gently, sensing argument brewing and having no desire to be in the room when it happens.

 _I've had enough of that for a lifetime._

"Also, she's one of four surgeons in the country who does this surgery, and she has the highest success rate. " says a familiar voice from the doorway.

She turns around to see Derek there, arms folded looking at the couple huddled on the bed .

She clears her throat. " This is Dr. Shepherd, our head of neurosurgery. If you do decide on the surgery , he'll be the Neuro consult on the case. "

" Whoa, another Shepherd? " asks Tom.

" We're married actually. " he says, moving in closer to the foot of the bed where Addison is standing and peering at the chart over her shoulder.

Audrey smiles , a frantic too-wide smile that instead of masking her anxiety just makes it more obvious, and Addison wishes fervently that they didn't have to go through this.

 _It always happens to the good ones, the ones who take the vitamins and do the yoga , the ones who don't deserve it, and on the other hand there are people who drink and shoot up and don't care at all and abandon their babies when they're born perfect despite everything ._

"Look at you two, everyone must hate you. Gorgeous pair of married surgeons - you just have it all." she teases.

"Do you have kids ? Oh they must be beautiful - and they won't have missed out the brain genes either..."

It's like being sucker punched in the gut, she feels like the air has been knocked out of her, and through the corner of her eye she can see the almost imperceptible tightening of Derek's jaw, the way he grips the chart just a little tighter.

" Yeah. Yeah, we're pretty lucky." He manages.

" Addie - call me when you have a decision. " He looks at her, squeezes her hand and mouths _it's okay._

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

That damned woman, just assuming they had children.

It breaks his heart to see that look in Addie's eyes, that longing , that she gets whenever she looks at babies and little kids, their nieces and nephews.

 _Maybe we should try again._

She's hardly going to want to after what happened last time. Still, it can't hurt to bring up the topic.

He smiles a little to himself, imagining a little girl , who likes to fish _and_ shop.

 _Then we really would have it all._

" Dr. Shepherd! "

"Yes Dr. Bailey? " he closes his eyes and braces himself.

" _If_ you're done smiling like a loony could you come down to the pit ."

" Yes Dr.Bailey ." He manages straight faced.

" She's cracked, that one. " comes a deep gravelly voice behind him.

" Shut up Mark, she'll hear you and then you'll get it. "

" Get what?"

" The Bailey Look." He remembers it too well.

"When are you getting started on that house anyway? I could use something to pound on, preferably not Grey, even though she's driving me crazy. And _not_ in a good lusty- intern way. "

Derek snorts " Why , what happened?"

" She's so freaking miserable she's infecting _me_ with her misery. "

" Not going well with the vet?"

" How do I know? I don't do girlie chitchat sessions with my interns.

Speaking of girlie, where's Addison? Stevens is looking for her. Torres too."

Derek shrugs. "She was up on the maternity ward a while ago, dunno where she is now."

" Dr.Shepherd ! Have you seen your wife?"

" No, Stevens , I haven't. Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

The blonde intern looks flustered, sweaty and breathing hard. "Nothing." she stammers , and then takes off running.

The two men stare after her, confused.

" I liked her better when she wasn't allowed to touch , speak or breathe. " says Mark, going back to his journal.

" Yang is the one who won't touch , speak or breathe these days - she either hates me for the whole Meredith thing or she just really hates neuro. She's actually being quiet in surgery these days - it's weird. "

" Maybe it's wedding jitters. " Mark says sagely.

" Excuse me, what? " Burke asks. " Did you just say _wedding jitters_? We're getting married tomorrow evening, she hasn't said anything yet . "

" Uh...I was just joking, Preston, don't worry. "

" Yeah, what would _he_ know about wedding jitters anyway. " Derek chimes in.

" It's Dr. Burke, please. " Preston says with a cool glance at Mark.

" How come Derek gets to call you Preston and I have to - "

" Hee-ey Addison. Good to see you." He greets the tall redhead cheerily.

" And you call _her_ Addison ?" Mark demands, enraged.

" She is my friend." Burke says coolly.

" And I'm not? "

" No." says Burke, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

" Anyway - Derek, will you be my best man?"

"Me? Really?"

" Yes. You're what I would call a friend, I guess, especially after what happened with the bomb and all."

"Of course - I'm. ...honored. " and they do the awkward man- hug thing, Addison snickering at him over Burke' s shoulder.

" I'd be a great best man! I write really fun speeches !"

"Oh no you don't, you write horrible vulgar lists of embarrassing moments." says Derek, remembering all too well the speech he'd given at their wedding.

Addison mm-hmms in agreement, punching Mark in the shoulder.

" I write songs too! "

At that he and Addison burst out laughing, and Burke looks completely unimpressed .

" I don't care if you dance, too, Sloan." And he picks up a chart from the rack and disappears into a conference room.

 ** _IZZIE'S POV_**

She needs to find Dr .Montgomery - now.

She's going crazy isn't she, has to be , because no _way_ no _way_ is this possible.

It can't be. They were careful , for gods sake, they're doctors, they're not stupid.

But it feels like it might be real, so she need s Dr. Montgomery.

She finds the woman passed out on her ridiculous couch, heels kicked off and one arm flung over her eyes.

"Dr. Montgomery. _Pssst._ Dr. _Montgomery. "_

 _" What."_

"I need a little help? "

" None of our patients are in active labor, the NICU is peaceful and quiet and I don't have any surgeries or consults till this afternoon, so this _better_ be good."

Izzie pulls the little vial of her blood out of her pocket.

" I need you to test this."

" Give it to the lab, Stevens, why are you carrying around a patient's blood in your pocket?"

" It's. ...mine."

Addison's face softens ."Izzie. Are you sure?"

"Pretty much, yeah. "

Addison slides off the couch and puts her shoes back on.

" I'll have the results by tonight. "

" Thank you. " she whispers.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He has missed this. He pretends to hate it and complains every chance he gets, but he is secretly enjoying that the trip meant for him has evolved into a full - blown Addison shopping session.

Mainly because it gives him an excuse to stare at his wife while she tries on sexy shoes.

He's just thinking about how much he likes the strappy black pointy heeled ones when his phone beeps with a text.

 **Help me.**

It's a moment before he remembers that this is Mark -speak for _I'm on a bad date, please call me with a fake crisis._

Who is it?" Addison pokes her head around the shelf she's browsing through.

" Mark. He needs me to bail him out of some bad date. "

Addie gets an evil gleam in her eye. "Leave him to rot. I used to do that to him all the time, it's so much fun the next morning. "

" As much as I'd like that, I owe him ."

" What? Derek Christopher Shepherd, do you mean that you asked Mark to bail you out of dates with _me_ ?"

" No ! No way , Addie - in fact, the SOS texts only stopped when I met you. He used to tease me about turning into an old man, but no , I never had to escape from you."

He pulls her close , kissing her just being her ear, relishing being able to do this, touch her and hold her whenever he wants.

" In fact, dates with you were my favorite part of the day; Mark used to hate whenever we went out cause he said I'd fuss like a girl over how I looked before I'd see you."

" Now that I cannot imagine. Anyway -" she turns her head and whispers the next part against his lips in a way that makes him wish they were at home in bed - " You always look perfect to me. "

" Now text him back before he dies of boredom and Burke has to be your best friend, because I don't think he'd appreciate the opportunity. "

"What should I tell him? I'm rusty, I used to be really good at thinking of stuff for this."

" Tell him to meet us at the apartment in twenty minutes, we can get takeout and you two can go over the blueprints and talk boy stuff about the house while I and Callie do wedding stuff.

Callie's a bridesmaid and she forgot to tie little gold ribbon on the wedding favors ; she has to do them before 7 tomorrow morning before Momma notices."

" Who the hell is _Momma_?"

" Preston 's mother?" Addie asks, eyebrow quirked.

" He never told me anything -"

" Huh. So much for being _friends._ " and she goes back to comparing two seemingly identical sandals.

He goes back to his assigned spot on a leather stool in the corner, texts Mark to _come right now it's an emergency_ and also to bring food.

It's the least he can do, Derek thinks sourly, after ruining his evening plans, which involved Addison's new shoes and privacy.

 ** _This was for all the people who requested happy Addek - hope it was good even it involved a few other characters because of where the fic is going to go._** ** _As always, please review!_** ** _Pretty please._**


	13. Chapter 13

**_This chapter might feel a little disjointed and out of place but it's a link sort if a thing , so hope you enjoy it._** ** _Props to whoever guesses where I'm going from here._** ** _As always, review, suggest and prompt !_**

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

His phone beeps, and he's never heard anything sweeter.

 ** _Mark this is the last time I'm doing this. Meet us at the apartment in 20 and bring food. Loser ._**

" I ...I'm sorry , Darcy. I gotta go - hospital."

" Oh." she says, looking dismayed. " Will I see you tomorrow? "

He hates this part the most, that calf like clinging look in their eyes when he walks away.

Darcy is starting to wear on him though; not that there's anything wrong with her , but she isn't _right._

 _Her laugh isn't right and her voice isn't right and the sparkle in her eyes and the color of her hair isn't right._

 _She's not Addie._

" Er. ... I'll try." He kisses her gently on the cheek and leaves the little cafe where she'd waited for him almost half an hour before he showed up ten minutes ago.

They both know he's lying.

He dutifully picks up takeout - the cheesiest most artery - blocking pizza he can find , just the way Addison likes it - and gets stuck in traffic and the rain, and is half an hour late getting to the little apartment the Shepherd's have rented.

When Derek lets him in, Callie and Addison are already in the living room, tying tiny bits of gold ribbon on white net bags .

" What in the world?"

" Wedding favours. " Addie explains, ripping off a piece of ribbon with her teeth.

 _Its embarrassing what that does to him._

" Good thing Burke doesn't like me, or I'd be down there with you two. " He says, plunking the oil stained bag in front of the women.

"Mark get that _off_ my rug."

" Yes, ma'am. "

" Since you're not doing anything." Callie says super sweetly " You can go get plates and drinks. "

"Double malt scotch."

" That white wine, like that other one, it's in the fridge next to that red one."

"Beer. "

Of course they all want separate drinks.

He stomps into the kitchen , followed by Derek , who says " If I tie one more bit of ribbon my balls are gonna fall off. "

" Shame on you, best men should do this sort of thing for their friend. Ask me, I was your best man."

As he gets out the glasses, he can't be sure, but he thinks he hears something along the lines of "Look how that turned out."

Derek goes out into the living room with two plates and the requested drinks, returns with blueprints under his arm.

He spreads them across the table.

Living room, vaulting ceilings and walnut floors, hot tub in the back, wraparound porch and sloping rolling lawn with a fire pit, the perfect mix of Derek and Addison .

" What's with all the bedrooms? "

" That's the master bedroom - walk in closet of course, for all the shoes - and these two are guest rooms, and this one is yours. "

" I have a room? "

" Of course you do, Mark." He can see it's hard for Derek to say this, he's not used to emotions, his own or otherwise.

" You're always welcome with us. "

 _" Even after everything ." is what hangs unspoken in the air, but he'll take it._

 _They're all he has , his family and his friends and colleagues all in one ._

" Thank you ." he says sincerely , looking straight into Derek's eyes , and it's not just for the room , it's for the unspoken apologies and forgiveness that accompany it.

And then because they're Derek and Mark, the moment is gone in the blink of an eye.

" And what are these two for ? "

" You know, in case we ever -

" Kids. " he breathes, and hopes that Derek won't notice the difference in his voice.

 _His kids._

Yeah ." and he looks so hopeful that Mark hates himself for wanting what will always be Derek's.

They hear the door slam as Callie leaves , and Addison comes into the kitchen.

" My fingers are numb. " she mumbles, falling into the chair next to Derek.

" Addie, if you want, look over these one more time, I'm giving then to the contractor tomorrow. "

" As long as you didn't cancel my closet I'm fine with anything you build ." she yawns .

Derek rolls his eyes "We have an agreement - I get to do the outside, she gets the inside." he explains.

" So it'll be a man - cave with french doors and little things she won't let anyone touch ?"

" Yup. "

" Shut up. " Addison murmurs against Derek's shoulder, eyes half closed. " You two have no taste."

" And that stupid couch you put in your office is tasteful? "

" It's calfskin! It's super soft, and it looks good."

" You can't sit on the damn thing without scuffing it." he laughs.

"So ? It looks good ." Addie sulks and kicks hin in the shin under the table.

" You guys remember that ugly futon of Addison's? " Derek chuckles reminiscently .

" Mm. We gave to Mark , didn't we?"

" Yeah. It was so ugly it ruined my game for weeks before I figured out what was going on and got rid of it."

" What'd you do with it? " Addie asks curiously.

" He gave it to - what was her name? The blonde one, the proctology resident - the one you actually dragged to dinner once."

"You gave my futon to a _proctology resident_ ? Wait. You once dated a proctology resident? Why do I not remember this? . "

" Remember we cracked all those butt jokes ? That one. "

 _"Ohh_ yeah, the one he brought to dinner at the brownstone -

" - and you kept making butt jokes whenever we went in the kitchen to get something - "

" - Like how bootyful she was - " Addison giggles.

" - And how maybe she could give Mark some assprin for the hangover he was gonna have the next morning." Derek finishes, slapping him on the knee.

And he watches them swap memories and finish each other's sentences as if they've known each other forever like it doesn't kill him little on the inside every time he sees them like this, he swigs his beer to give him time to think of a reply when really he's thinking of Addison lonely and seeking his comfort , and he says something witty when really what he wants to do is scream wordlessly.

 _It feels like I'm doing that anyway, only no one can hear._

He's brought back to earth when a pager goes off shrilly in the living room, followed by another , then a third.

 _Saved by the bell._

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

Six hours later and it's three in the morning, two lives saved and one lost.

It was a car crash, a pregnant woman, her husband and the baby.

She watches them lying in their ICU beds, blissfully unaware of the heartache she knows lies ahead of them.

 _I know it firsthand, don't I?_

" Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd? " it's a nurse, clutching a phone.

"It's the lab, they say they've got the results you asked them to rush through. "

" Ask them if was positive or not." she says, still watching the couple behind the glass window , envying their little bubble of peace, willing them to stay under just a little longer.

 _We just spent six hours saving their lives and when they wake up they're going to wish they were dead anyway._

" They won't say, apparently they want to talk to you in person. "

 _What the hell, Stevens?_

" I'll be down in five minutes." and she tears herself away from the glass because it's a little frightening how much she wishes she were them .

Down in the lab, Dr. Klein is standing by the door waiting for her and her heart skips a beat because in her experience it's never good when _they're_ waiting for _you_.

" So your Jane Doe _is_ pregnant ." he begins. Small talk is rarely the forte of people who spend their lives cooped up in labs, fiddling with body fluids and tissues without ever seeing the patients they came from.

"But we found some abnormal markers as well - "

 ** _IZZIE'S POV_**

She's sprawled on the bottom bunk in an on call room on the OB floor where Addison told her to wait, staring at Denny Duquette on the bed opposite.

She closes her eyes against the tears; maybe he'll go away .

" You're dead. "

" I am. "

" I can see you. "

" You can. " he says simply.

" Why? " she breathes, even though she knows the answer.

"You've been able to see me for months now Izzie Stevens. What does that tell you?"

" You're _dead. Dead._ So why can't you just fucking stay dead and _let me move on ._ " she's crying now because she knows what is happening, what Addison will tell her when she comes through that door.

 _I was so **happy** , so frickin happy, with the last person on earth I thought would make me feel this way, so how can this be happening?_

" Goodbye Izzie. I'm done here. " Denny says gently and she can almost feel his caress on her cheek.

When she opens her eyes it's Addison standing there, apologies in her eyes.

 ** _Review please. People who review after every chapter are my special favourites._**

 ** _Also I'm thinking of doing another Addek fic, so prompts are welcome!_**


	14. Chapter 14

**_Thank you all the reviewers; you make my day._** ** _IZZIE'S POV_**

 _Not again. I can't do this again. It wasn't supposed to be like this , this time it was supposed to be perfect._ "

"- scans, see the extent of the metastasis...chemo, radiation, Izzie , you can _do_ this - " Addison is saying, in that tone she uses with shellshocked patients, soothing and comforting.

" I can. " she says softly, running her hand over her belly. "This time I can."

"I'm so sorry it had to be like this , Izzie , but you'll have others, you have time -"

" _No."_

"What ?"

" I'm keeping the baby. "

"Izzie you have a brain tumor that may or may not be cancer, if you have chemo you'll lose the baby. If you have surgery , the baby can't take it. And going by the hallucinations you described to me, this tumor is dangerous - we need to do something _now_ before it gets worse.

Izzie this is your _life_ we are talking about here. "

" I said, I'm keeping this baby. Nine months .Give me nine months and then I'll kick this tumours ass."

"And pray _how_ are you going to manage a baby, your own surgeries and chemo , radiation, if you go ahead like this ?"

" I - I'll work it out , I'll. ...move back home or something, my mom will help. ...I don't know the details but what I do know is that I am keeping the baby . "

" Izzie there will be _other - "_

 _" No._ No, don't give me that 'you'll have more' crap , Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd, because this is my second chance, and I'm doing it right this time, I'm in a better place, I can take care of my baby the way I wanted to, it's going to _work_ this time -"

"What do you mean, this time? "

She looks at her mentor, tears blurring in her eyes.

"Eleven years ago, Dr . Montgomery, I had a baby girl. I was sixteen years old, the father was - out of the question and _that_ hasn't changed , and I couldn't give my baby the life I wanted her to have, I couldn't give her a childhood that wasn't like mine, living in a trailer park with a single mom and getting knocked up in high school , working shifts at the truck stop diner, so I gave away my little girl, to someone who could.

A few months ago my baby - her name is Hannah, now, but I named her Sarah - she came in for a bone marrow transplant, and I was a perfect match for her, I saved her life one more time , but she doesn't want to see me.

I have a daughter, and she doesn't want to see me." her voice cracks.

"But this time, it's different, its my chance to do it right this time. I'm a doctor for gods sake, I don't live in a trailer park anymore, I _can do this._ So yes, I'm keeping it."

"Izzie, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I never knew.

I can understand how you feel , but - "

"You _can't_. You can't , so don't pretend to. This is my chance and I won't let you take it fro me or talk me out of it, because _you can't possibly know_ what I am feeling right now, because you have no children, and I do _not_ want to look back on this day ten years down the line as a dried up adulterous childless woman and wish that I hadn't let you talk me out of this, so for gods sake, Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd _, leave me alone._ "

 _Shit._

" Three years ago I had a miscarriage and I lost the baby I had wanted for years, with the man I loved, and it tore us apart.

And if that's not enough, I got pregnant with Mark's baby and I ... aborted it.

So I can pretty safely say I do know what you're feeling right now."

She stares at the woman in front of her, stunned .

She opens her mouth , but before she can say anything Addison stops her with a raised hand .

"So believe me when I say there is no worse decision to have to make than to ...to snuff out a little life that's growing inside of you, but just so you know , what you're doing is very _very_ dangerous.

I know you already love this baby with your heart and soul but Izzie, you said you want to do it right this time - so give your baby the chance to know its mother.

At least do the scans, the treatments that aren't going to hurt your baby, please, because I can't sit here and watch a brilliant promising future go down the drain because two things happened together at the wrong time. Please. "

" I'm s - "

" Never mind." .

Distant and cool.

She wonders what else the beautiful redhead hides under that unwaveringly cool sophistication of hers that seems to be turning out to be a mask.

She gets up to leave, a weary sigh escaping her lips.

"Izzie - "

"I won't tell. "

" Thank you. "

She's almost out the door when she turns back and says

" Let Karev know. I think he'll surprise you. "

 ** _BURKE ' S POV_**

Is this normal, this uncertainty? This was his idea, from the beginning; moving in , getting married.

It was all his idea. She goes along with him; holds out at first, but she relents because she knows it'll make him happy.

She _relents_ , she rarely accepts.

That's exactly what he doesn't want for her,because she is not an "Ok, honey" woman.

She is strong, brilliant, ambitious and driven.

She has the potential to be an extraordinary surgeon, she has greatness in her ; it's why he was attracted to her in the first place.

She has an _edge,_ and he's afraid that by loving her , he's dulling it.

But it's too late for that , here they are on the morning of their wedding day, with their mothers camped in the living room, a fluffy white dress hanging like an accusation on the closet door and Cristina curled against his chest, everything he wants is his now so why would he give it up?

 ** _MEREDITH ' S POV_**

It's like a bad soap opera.

Derek left her. She still loves him . She's with Finn, who loves her.

Derek loves Addison.

Mark loves Addison.

 _She can see it in his slate grey eyes when he looks at her; recognises it because it's the look in her own eyes when she looks at Derek._

George loves her but she can't love him back.

Alex and Izzie are together. And they're happy.

 _Evil Spawn and Sunshine, really?_

 _Cristina_ is getting married. To Burke.

And Izzie is pregnant. And Izzie might have cancer.

So what she really wants to do is drink herself numb and cry until she vomits it back up but here she is , with an eyebrowless Cristina , sitting on Izzie's hospital bed.

Alex is missing.

 _No surprises there._

" I told him...I told him I was pregnant and I'm keeping it, I told him about the tumor because I'm _done_ hiding things, and he just...left.

He slammed the door in my face and he freaking _left_ , and I might have brain cancer and I'm having his baby , not to mention the very minor fact that I'm in the middle of my surgical internship and I _might_ be ruining my career with this decision, and I yelled at my mentor yesterday so I might as well kiss my favorite specialty goodbye anyway and _he .Freakin. Left."_

"What'd you expect ? He's evil spawn ! "

" _Cristina._ Sorry , Izzie, she's pissed because Momma took her eyebrows and she hasn't seen Burke since this morning , and they're getting married in twelve hours."

" You are refreshingly selfish." Izzie tells Cristina.

" Glad to be of service. "

" So...how long are we gonna pretend it's all okay before we lie on the bathroom floor and drink tequila? "

" George. I can't even drink, so I'm gonna pretend it's okay till its not and I'm hallucinating all over the place and my fatherless baby is born and might just become motherless. "

" Oh. Okay."

There's a crash and Alex stumbles into the room, sweaty and red faced.

" Ass." Izzie mutters.

" Isobel Stevens." he says, and oh my god he's getting down on one knee and everything -

" Izzie. I'm sorry for the way I reacted but now I'm here. I'm here and I wanna be here as long as you'll let me, forever even, because you make me a better person. You hold me accountable, and you make we want to do things for others instead of myself for a change .

I want to be here for you, and our baby. I want to be with you while you get better.

I want to be with you if you're angry , if you're happy, if you're sad or .. or pissed or whatever.

So, Iz - marry me ?"

And then they're both sitting on the bed , Izzie is crying and so is Alex ( _who would have thought ?)_ and he's sliding a tiny band on her finger, and there's cheering from the door so they break apart, and Bailey and the Chief and Addison and Derek , Burke, Mark a gaggle of nurses are all standing there, a few misty eyes in the crowd.

She pretends to be happy, hugs Izzie and then Alex , but she's really watching Derek lean in and whisper something in Addison's ear, she nods and smiles and he kisses her on her cheek, wraps an arm around her waist and breaks her heart with the love in his eyes when he looks at his wife.

Love to which she never had any claim but she wants it so bad it makes the hole where her heart used to be hurt so that she finds tears in her eyes, not for her friends who are moving on with their lives but for herself, because she's stuck here forever, loving a man who looks at his wife like she puts the stars in the sky.

 _Losing love is like organ damage . It's like dying. The only difference is , death ends. This? It could go on forever._

 ** _Read, review, suggest, criticise, whatever floats your boat._**

 ** _Thanks for reading!_**


	15. Chapter 15

**_BURKE ' S POV_**

 _That's what it should look like._

He's standing outside Stevens' room, clapping with the rest of them, envying their unrestrained elation, the instant _acceptance,_ both of them on the same page, not one forever chasing the other.

 _Not like us._

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He finds Addie in the crowd spying on Karev 's proposal, a little misty eyed but better than Richard ; he's practically got his nose pressed up against the glass and might actually be crying.

He peeks , watches Stevens blurt a tearful yes , and the corridor erupts in cheers.

He takes the chance to steal up behind Addison and wrap an arm round her waist. She sinks into him without having to see who it is and the scent of her hair brings back memories he hasn't thought of in a while.

" Remember when..." He whispers in her ear.

"Yeah. " she whispers back and he doesn't care if they look like a pair of teenagers, he kisses her on the cheek.

He remembers too - the day he knew he would marry her was the day they met in the library at Columbia.

The day he knew it was time was the week before med school graduation when she applied to Mt. Sinai because he did because he had to be near his family even though she could have gone to Hopkins.

He told his mother and asked Bizzy and the Captain, took Addie out to dinner the night before graduation, got down on one knee in the middle of Central Park that night because she always loved how quiet and mysterious it was there at night.

When he told her the ring was his father's, she cried with him and then kissed away his tears .

" Stevens is having a baby. "

"So I heard. "

" They're like we used to be , Derek. So full of... _hope_." she says and the way she says it, like she barely knows what it means anymore, is like a little stab in the chest.

 _You did this to her._

" We can still hope, right?; We're not ancient, we can still be parents. " he murmurs, and she turns around, mouth slightly open, eyes wide .

" I - "

But before she can say anything, a hailstorm of pagers goes off and all hell breaks loose, there are lives to save and once again their own are put on hold while they ensure that someone else's wife, husband, parent, child, will live another day.

There's been a tunnel collapse, the ER is chaotic , and in the mess of it all he doesn't see Addison again.

What was she going to say?

I...can't? I...want to? I. ...don't think so? I. ...think we should?

What does he want her to say?

He's always wanted children, when he met Addie he knew she was the one, the one he wanted to be his kids mother.

They used to joke, back in the early days when not having kids _just yet_ was a mutual decision taken to focus on what has turned out to be two stellar careers , that their kids would be genetically programmed to be surgeons, they would have perfect hair, and there would be two, a boy first , and then a little girl to spoil rotten.

Secretly he'd wanted more, four maybe, but he knew Addison's job wasn't just something she did for herself, it was bigger than her, she held not just the lives of mothers and their unborn babies in her hands, she held the dreams of parents like themselves.

He couldn't take her away from that.

They used to joke, back when _not just yet_ wasn't a barefaced lie covering the countless little heartbreaks that came like clockwork every month , never a day late.

And the one time it didn't happen, Addison waited for a week , hardly daring to breathe and then she took that test, the little blue plus sign that they had waited for so long popped up and for seven weeks exactly they walked on air, until she collapsed in that OR and they both came tumbling down.

He does a craniotomy, saves a life. He watches Addie save another from the gallery window, but by the time he gets down to the scrub room to talk to her he's too late ; Richard pulls her into another surgery on a three month old found in the rubble.

He tells Mrs . Brandon that her baby's surgery has to be postponed to tomorrow because Dr. Montgomery is in emergency surgery, takes it silently when she yells at him .

" We're important too!"

 _Aren't we?_ he thinks, and immediately hates himself for it - this is what they signed up for, this is what they do.

They save lives and loved ones, and don't notice when their own go missing in the process, until it might be too late.

He gets a text from Addie at three ; **Go home. The tux is in your closet. Look nice, you're the best man. I'll be home by five to change _._**

No reply to what he's been waiting to know all day.

He goes home anyway because he stinks, and Momma would probably kill him, best man or not, if he showed up to Burke ' s wedding like this .

When he steps out of the shower, he finds a wet haired Addie burrowing in her closet , wearing his old college t shirt and quite possibly nothing else.

She must have showered in the other bathroom - it doesn't have hot water - so much for him not being the water hog.

" This one or this one? " she asks, holding up two alarmingly similar pale blue dresses.

" Uh...that one. " he points to the one on the right simply because the last time she asked him to choose between two, he'd chosen the one on the left .

"No , Derek, that one's all wrong, I'll wear this one. " .

Just like last time he chuckles to himself.

"Addie , what were you going to say, this morning - "

"Shoes? These all right? " a pair of matching pumps emerge.

" No, wear the black ones, the ones you bought the other day. I like those. "

" Derek those are sexy shoes, not wedding shoes. "

" _S_ _ex_ shoes ? " he perks up.

" Sex _y ._ Dirty little pervert. "

 _Ouch._

" Uh, so what were you gonna say to me this morning, outside Stevens' room ?"

"Your _hair_ . Fix it , you look like a caveman." she says, reaching for his tousled head .

He ducks, escapes to safety on the other side of the room. Those hands in his hair could make them very _very_ late, and then Momma would kill him and he'd never get to hear her answer.

"Addie. Underwear. " he pleads. She's very distracting half naked.

" Of course. " she smirks.

 _Is she doing this on purpose ?_

She slides into her dress too, and he feels a little sad at the loss of damp bare skin.

" Zip me up , will you ? "

He does, trailing his hand slowly from the small of her back to the nape of her neck, smiling at the little shiver he elicits.

 _Did she actually not hear me? Impossible. She has ears like a bat, of course she heard me._

"Addie - what were you going to say ? "

She's on the bed now, trying to yank nude pantyhose up her endless legs, a task made considerably more difficult because he keeps peeling them off, kissing her neck, trying to distract her.

 _Two can play this game, baby._

A - about what ? " she asks , just a bit breathless.

"What I said we could still be - "

" Parents? " she gasps; he's moved on to her collarbone now, going lower as she half heartedly tries to escape.

" Yes." he breathes against the hollow of her throat.

" You were serious? " she sounds astounded.

"Of course I was serious." he pulls away with a groan.

" I - I was giving you an easy out .I thought that it was the heat if the moment, Karev and Stevens, all of that. I thought you wouldn't want to try again, after ...you know . After everything.

So I was giving you an out, but Derek if you're serious - and you want to try again - then I'm in. I'm all in, this is something you have _no_ idea how much I've been wanting to discuss with you, so if you're serious ... ask me again. "

He flips her so she's lying on her back, damp hair spread across the duvet and places both arms beside her shoulders.

"Addie. Will you have my babies ? " he asks, struggling to keep a straight face.

" Could you _be_ less romantic." she giggles, the movement of her beneath him doing lateness - inducing things to his body.

 _Screw the time. We'll be fast._

Will you? " he asks teasingly, his hand at her back, undoing his earlier efforts with the zipper.

It's way more fun pulling it down.

" I can only hope they aren't as crass. " she whispers, responding to his touch.

" _They're_ ? So there's more than one ?"

" Two, remember ? A boy and a girl . " she says , pulling her dress back onto her shoulders.

" Mm hmm. I remember. " he says, the dress coming down with ease after his lips find that spot on her neck that makes her go limp with desire .

" We'll be late for the wedding. " she pushes reluctantly at his bare chest.

" We can be fast. " he says in the voice he knows will send her over the edge, unhooking the ivory lace bra he'd so wished she'd put on earlier to stop distracting him.

" After all, we need to practice if we're going to have kids - practice makes perfect, you know."

He laughs because he can see the exact moment the " _oh, fuck it_ " look comes into her eyes , darker than her usual color , tiny rims of green around pupils wide with need.

" We can be _fast._ " she says wickedly, straddling him and then her lips find his and the few remaining clothes are coming off, wedding forgotten as he sinks into her familiar warmth , brings her to the edge again and again before she arches her back and moves her hips in the way that never fails to undo him , brings them both to a climax that leaves them deliciously exhausted.

" That was some good practicing." she laughs throatily, breathing hard.

" It sure was. " he joins in her exhilarated laughter, running a hand over her thigh.

" We could go again, if you're not _tired."_

 _" Tired ?_ Me? Never, old man." she growls, slipping one dangerously dexterous hand under the sheets tangled around them .

Her cool slim fingers wrap around him, and he reaches for her waist just at the moment his phone rings somewhere in the room.

 _Damn the stupid thing._

She rolls away with a smirk on her face. "Get it, it could be the hospital. "

He gets grudgingly out of bed, digs the phone out of his coat pocket.

It's Burke .

" Derek. There's been a slight change of plans for tonight. ..."

" So we're not late after all. They need another hour " he snorts as he finally gets back on the bed.

Her eyes widen as he tells her what Burke just said.

" Oh my god. Really? "

" Yup."

" That's amazing. "

" Yeah. You know what else is amazing? " he asks, peeling back the sheets.

" You think we made a baby? " she asks half an hour later, on a more serious wavelength than him .

" Maybe. But we could go again, make sure..."

" We still have to get to the chapel on time you know."

" We should probably make sure when we get back though. And you could wear the sex shoes..."

 _"Shut up !"_ she swats him on the arm , giggling.

 ** _MEREDITH' S POV_**

Derek and Addison are late, she notices. They rush in at the last moment, ten minutes before the guests arrive.

 _Everything is rushed and everything is wrong._

Cristina doesn't even seem the least bit down or sad - she's perky , even , fussing with the dress and the bouquet , she's even being nice to Momma.

 _Everyone keeps moving on no matter what. I'm just the sad dirty ex mistress stuck in hole crying because the woman whose husband I stole just stole him back._

Mer. Snap out of it and help me with these pins. "

She slides pins into the elaborate updo obediently, looking at Addison who is as leggy and fabulous as always in a pale blue dress and pearls ,her gorgeous red hair in a sleek updo.

She looks happy in a disgustingly glowy way, like someone who has everything in the world.

 _Of course she does. She took it from me._

" Thanks for doing this." the bride whispers .

" I'm honestly flattered you even asked me to ." she says , exclaims how pretty and how _perfect_ everything is,

 _It is ,for you._

and Meredith realises she's better at this hair thing anyway so she leaves her to it and goes to take her place behind the closed double doors.

 _She's not perfect to annoy you. She can't help it._

She needs to stop being McBitch and be happy . Her friend is getting _married_ for gods sake.

And then everyone comes in and lines up behind her, the music starts, and because she's a freaking cotton candy bridesmaid already she might as well do this right, so she asks " You ready ?"

Of course she is, so the doors swing open and Burke is walking Izzie down the aisle to gasps from the crowd, because she looks so beautiful, really she does, you'd never guess she has brain cancer and a baby on the way.

It's like everything is moving slower than usual, Alex fighting tears through the vows, Addison as the matron of honor and mother of the bride in one, holding the bouquet and the rings, the _I do's_ that ring out loud and clear.

Then there's George, stuttering a little at the beginning but then getting into his stride and bringing the crowd to laughter and tears with his best man speech, champagne and the first dance, Izzie and Alex twirling in the dusky evening light under the fairy lights Cristina was so relieved she didn't have to suffer after all.

And then the champagne gets to everyone and the dance floor is crowded , Derek and Addison in each others arms, swaying to the music; she dances with Finn but it's not the same so she tells him she needs to check on the car for the newlyweds even though Addison has already cajoled the chauffeur into waiting at the entrance.

She hides in a dark corner behind a massive flower arrangement, swigging the tequila she snagged from the judgy bartender and watching the crowd , which has devolved into a drunken danceathon .

And then she spots another contagious miserable soul and meets his eyes across the thrumming dance floor , tracks his gaze to Addison who has let her hair down and is dancing none too matronly with the new blonde attending and Callie and Bailey, then to an appreciative Derek.

 _Looks. like I'm not the only one in the dirty mistresses club, Mark Sloan._

 ** _Too weird? Let me know! In the reviews, you know._**


	16. Chapter 16

Is anyone actually even reading? Anyway if you want me to keep updating please review, I need some ego boosting.

ADDISON'S POV

"What's this? "

"That's the hot tub babe. "

" And that ?"

" That's the foundation. For the house ?"

" It looks like a hole in the ground . So does everything. Everything is a hole, Derek !"

Mark can't help but snigger at her , stumbling around in the dark , her shoes absolutely pointless in the slick mud.

" And you are a different kind of hole , Mark Sloan. Don't you laugh at me."

" Maybe you should go back in the car , Ads. That way we won't have to haul you out of holes you may fall into." he says to her.

" I'm not going back in the car, I wanna see the house too. Derek where are you? "

"Here." . He's standing at the place where the trailer used to be, surveying the dug up land in a very satisfied kind of way.

"It s finally happening, Addie, we'll have a house in ten more months and then you can knock yourself out decorating."

" Excellent. Can we go now, before it starts raining ? You can talk about power tools and decks at home. "

It's been three months since Stevens and Karev 's surprise wedding, but it may as well be three years because so much has changed, Cristina and Burke broke up after they gave away their wedding and Burke went god knows where; she misses him more than she thought she would.

Callie and Arizona have finally moved in together and have actually gone on vacation together.

Richard is still balking over the Chief thing.

Mark is on his third girlfriend in as many months and showing no signs of slowing down, in fact she thinks she's already identified a fourth , that pretty PA in peds who brings doughnuts sometimes, so she likes her already.

Her neonatal wing has really taken off , she's got patients flying in from all over the world and Derek keeps pretending to be jealous that she's in almost every journal these days, but she knows that he hangs out in her OR gallery every chance he gets.

Not that he gets many, because he's busy too - but they're not doing this like New York, ,not again.

They're sticking to the rules; no nights, no crazy emergency surgery unless there is no one to cover for them, and they communicate now, tell each other where they are and stuff like that.

The baby making is going well, not so much in the way of success but she's trying not to let it get to her, at least the process is fun.

Lots of fun.

Her thoughts are interrupted by Derek and Mark crashing back towards her through the mud and tools scattered around what is supposed to be looking like a house.

" Come on , guys, surgery at 7. " They only ever have time to come here in the mornings, although if Derek had his way he'd be here all day, yelling at the contractor and annoying the workers.

They're taking her Mercedes today, she tries not to bitch about the mud everywhere and actually manages it.

She just has the one surgery today and it goes smoothly, a balloon inflated in a fetus' airway and suddenly it has the potential to be a healthy baby.

She has a couple of consults and then she's free, maybe around three.

She's just going to check if Derek gets off at the same time, because Callie isn't here and Mark is doing what he calls the z - plasty of the century so she has no one to hang out with.

She hasn't put one Prada encased foot out of the Neonatal wing before she gets paged to the NICU, so she turns back, wondering what the hell happened.

The little miracle patients were all stable when she rounded on them ten minutes ago, all twelve of them.

But it's not a baby in distress , it's Stevens.

She finds her hunched in a rocking chair, clutching her head and breathing hard.

" Izzie what happened? "

" She just sat down, says her head hurts like crazy and she's kinda dizzy. Heart rate's elevated, BPs up. " rattles off a nurse.

" Get a gurney and page Karev and Dr. Shepherd. "

"On it."

"Izzie. Your tumor has started hemorrhaging into your brain, it's causing your intracerebral pressure to rise. We don't have a monitor in you at the moment so I can't tell how bad it is already, but the bleeding is significant and we need to stop it right now or you will have permanent brain damage. Or worse. " Derek is saying.

" My baby? " Izzie asks, turning to Addison. So does Derek.

" You're at twenty two weeks, Izzie. I can deliver -"

" She's too small. "

" Izzie how old was my youngest preemie? "

" She's too small, she's not ready I can't let her die to save me..."

" Izzie . How old? You know this, you read the file in and out. "

" Twenty one weeks and five days."

" Exactly. Trust me Izzie, I will do everything I can to - "

" Addie her pupils are blowing up I can't wait, she could herniate, bleed out , I need to get in there now."

" Izzie."

" Don't let my baby die , Dr .Montgomery. "

DEREK'S POV

They scrub in silence, minds focused on the uphill task in front of them.

" Wait until I have the baby out . Then you go. "

" I know the drill Addie, we've done this before. "

" Not like this we haven't, not on someone we know . She's like my little sister Derek, if I let her baby die... "

" Hey. Addie. Look at me. You have this. You are the best, if anyone can save that baby, it's you.

Have you seen your stats in the last three months? Eighty seven surgeries and only four bad outcomes .You're are on a roll, honey, you're at the top of your game , you're kicking ass and taking names. That doesn't stop because she's someone you know and love. It just means you fight harder."

"Thanks for the ego inflation . I needed it. "

" Tell me if you need any deflation. " he jokes, trying to lighten her up.

" Do I ever ?" she says, a hint of the usual confidence creeping back.

" No more than I do." he laughs, drying his hands.

Surgeons are confident by nature, they have to be. To cut into someone's body, pick up a scalpel and save a life , you have to be sure of yourself , of your skills .

They hold people's lives in their hands, in the OR they are literally gods, people live and die under their hands.

They choose when they have to keep fighting; they choose when enough has been done and it's time to let go.

That said and done, he and Addison are at the higher end of the arrogance spectrum, but still rightfully so .

But while he is consistently a self admitted raging egomaniac, Addie has little moments of self doubt, usually they hit right after she loses a patient she was expecting to do well .

Like what happened with the Brandon baby.

They're in the OR now, Addison is by the table already, greeting her nurses and doing the little hand flutter thing she always does before surgery.

They all have these little quirks before surgery ; he says his little line and starts the music, Burke used to do that shoulder roll and crack his neck, Bailey takes a deep breath after she gets up on her stool and before she cuts , Richard makes a bad joke, Callie likes to give her drills a whirl , Mark hits on a different nurse every time ,for luck he says.

" Ten blade. ". He watches as she slices surely, swiftly into the abdomen, _scissors please_ , cut and dissect , _retract a little more_ , _watch that fluid_ , and he leans in to watch her place steady hands around the unbelievably tiny baby curled safely in its mothers womb, lift it out tenderly - _hello, sweetie_ \- , clamp and cut the cord .

"Derek , go go go. "

It's his turn now and he's focused , but out of the corner of his eye he can see that things are falling apart.

" Apgar is two " .

" Start bagging. "Addison orders , leaning over the baby.

He starts drilling, the sound of various alarms going off is increasing , the soundtrack of a patient crashing.

" I'm going to intubate - no , a smaller one, I can't believe how tiny the trachea is - give me the suction there's too much fluid in here.

Derek how's it going over there? "

" I've evacuated the clots and stopped the bleed , the tumor is still capsulated, doesn't seem to have ruptured much so it's going to be too easy to take it all out."

" Cocky arrogant neurosurgeons are something I like."

" Good. I like kickass baby surgeons too."

" Maybe we should go out sometime Mr. God complex . " she's giddy with relief , he can tell by the bantering.

" I can't. I'm sorry, but I'm married to this horribly bossy - "

" Push .5 of epi through the umbilical vein, and get me a chest tube. Smaller. "

 _What happened?_

He looks up from the partially excised tumor in time to see Addie stab a hair thin needle between the baby's finger wide ribs, can see her chest inflate almost instantly but then fall again.

" Damn it she's not breathing on her own at all - get that bag over the tube and don't stop till I tell you to - god I wish I had Stevens for this.

But clearly , that is impossible, so you get over here. Turn the baby on her side and bag her for thirty seconds after I push the surfactant through the tube. We'll do the same thing on the other side, or her lungs will keep collapsing. "

He carefully teases the ugly greyish tomorrow from its lair in Izzie's brain, staunches bleeds and watches as Addison starts cardiac massage, suctions , oxygenates the baby , measures getting progressively wilder as the machines sound impending death.

 _Now would not be a good time to tell her that Karev is pressed to the window upstairs and that this tumor is the ugliest SOB I have met in a long time._

His work is steady , predictable - _keep the brain , cut the tumor_ \- but Addison is fighting a ever changing enemy, everytime she gets one problem fixed another arises.

" Hang a unit of blood, slow infusion please or you'll tear the veins. There's still no circulation.

Get me the ultrasound ..." she trails off.

 _Not good._

" Derek who's on call for cardio? "

"That new woman Richard dragged out of Afghanistan, Teddy Altman or something, today's her first day or something , I've only met her when she came in for her interview. Why?"

" Someone page this Teddy woman. I have a coarctation in an aorta smaller than my pinky finger and I'd like a cardio thoracic surgeon in here now." She barks, reaching for a tiny balloon tipped catheter .

" Addie what are you doing? "

"You know what I'm doing Derek, and don't try to talk me out of it because I just managed to convince myself to do it.

If I don't Izzie's baby is going to die because there is no blood getting through that aorta, and she's not dying in my watch so please just...stop. I can do this. "

" I know you can . Deep breaths, Addie. "

She's always had this problem, she gets panicky even when she knows exactly what has to be done and how , never believes she's good enough, but when she's through with it she's incredibly calm, focused like a laser and unstoppable.

She's threading the catheter through the miniscule femoral artery now, staring intently at the screen where she can see it's progress. He knows how delicate fetal tissues are; one slip and she'll kill this baby who has been forced into a world that is too harsh for her , too soon.

The new blonde cardio chief, physically as opposite to Burke as possible, slams into the OR.

" What the hell are you doing?"

" Where the hell were _you_?" Addison snaps.

" I'm almost there anyway ... got it. I just have to inflate the balloon now and restore blood flow, but thanks for coming anyway."

The baby's heartbeat goes back to normal and the blaring alarms go quiet, she pinks up a little , and the whole OR lets out a collective sigh, nervous relieved laughter and cheers breaking out among the tumultuous applause from the staff in the floor and in the gallery .

Karev looks down, blinking against tears now openly falling from his eyes.

Richard is there too, smiling at Addison like a proud parent and craning his neck to see the baby.

"You're neonatal , not cardio. I don't care if you're the Chief's little _star_ , you can't just up and start doing cardio procedures whenever you feel like it, you could have killed the patient with your stupid little game, that's what this is, isn't it , you want to be Chief so you do cowboy surgery and you don't care about what actually happens to the patient - "

 _Oh no she did not just say that._

The OR goes deathly silent, nurses and techs cringing in anticipation of what they have experienced once and don't ever want to see again.

Up in the gallery, Richard rums his hands through his hair and looks away.

" Dr. Altman, when was the last time you performed surgery on baby born at 22 weeks? " Addie asks in that cold silky voice he dreads because it means she's about to explode.

" I - "

" Go on. Never , right? I'm sure you're an amazing surgeon; for Richard to have hired you , you must be.

But this is my patient and I no longer need you here, I'm pretty sure I can handle this because I've been operating on unborn babies while you've been meatballing in Afghanistan.

I only wanted you here in case a complication arose - which , I assure you , rarely happens to me - but you were apparently too busy , so get the hell out of my OR."

" Excuse me?"

" Get out. "

She turns on her heel and leaves.

The OR is silent for a minute. Richard is trembling with laughter in the gallery, shaking his head.

" Way to say hello, Addie. " he says, snorting.


	17. Chapter 17

**_Thank you for all the reviews , sorry I was a little bitch about it. I love you people anyway._** ** _Also props to Luvaddek , who asked me in the reviews if I'm in the medical field - you're right, you genius, I'll be a doctor in three years._** ** _Also Wikipedia is my friend, so the medical stuff is like 80% me and 20% Internet. Sorry if there are any errors._**

 ** _This chapter is kinda filler, before something big happens. Enjoy._**

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She rocks gently in the chair. It's for new mothers to sit in while they stare at the tiny miracles they've made, but she doesn't seem to be allowed that privilege, so she sits here sometimes and stares at other people's happiness.

Ruby Eleanor Karev , born two pounds six ounces.

A fighter like her parents, she's the most beautiful thing she's seen in a long time, so she sits there, watches her tiny chest rise and fall.

It's quiet and dark in the NICU , visiting hours are over and there's nothing except the whir of machinery and the familiar soothing sound of monitors showing healthy stats.

Karev has been there already, wordlessly pulling her into a bone crushing hug, then sitting by his daughters incubator, laughing in amazement when she grabbed his finger reflexively.

Derek comes into the NICU then, looking comical in the pink protective gown .

" Hey. "

" Hey yourself. How's Izzie? "

" A champion . The tumor was - "

" - worse than you told me. "

" I didn't want to freak you out."

" I'm not stupid. "

"Rather the opposite. What you did in there was amazing... you'll be Chief now for sure." he teases lightly.

" Don't start in on me about how I _used_ this case to show off - "

" I know you don't need to do that." he shuts her up with a kiss. " Richard knows you're more than up to it. He just hasn't chosen yet - don't let GI Jane get to you."

" Never ." she sniffs.

She watches him slip a finger through the window in the incubator, his smile when Ruby curls her tiny fingers around his .

" She has a good grip."

" Mmm." She remembers the last time she said that to him; their marriage had been hanging in the balance at that time, the slightest wrong move and it would have gone either way.

 _Which way are we going now?_

She watches as he rubs the baby's hand, tells her how beautiful she is, how strong, a fighter like her mother .

He looks ... like a father, she realises. She wishes she could give him that, make him happy.

" Can I stay here tonight, Derek? I'm sorry, but I want to make sure she gets everything she needs."

" Course. I'll stay too ."

" Go home, arrogant neurosurgeon. Get some sleep, I'll be fine. I've learned to sleep in rocking chairs."

" I should learn too." he says softly , looking at her.

" Derek..."

"I know, I know. It's early days. But we will, Addie, we'll have kids. And you'll be the most kickass mom ever. "

" I love you , you know that right? "

" I love you too. " he kisses her gently, takes one last look at the baby, and leaves with a promise to bring her a change of clothes.

She wakes suddenly at seven the next morning with a stiff neck, having spent a crisis -free albeit cramped night in the NICU.

 _I'm getting older._

" Morning, Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd. " chirps Camille, her head nurse.

" Long night? "

" Unbelievably. " she croaks, aware that she's in last night's scrubs that smell of the OR, that sharp astringent blend of disinfectant and blood, sweat and adrenaline.

" Who's that you've got there , I only have twelve on the list... oh my god, is that Dr. Stevens ' little girl? "

The other morning nurses gather round too, oohing and aahing.

" Mm hmm. Two pounds six ounces of warrior. I spent last night here for no reason, she's doing great, but watch her closely anyway, and page me if her heart rate gets below 110 or her systolic is less than 65. "

" She's real pretty isn't she. Like her mom. " the nurse coos. They're all overly attached to this baby already - Izzie was a regular fixture in her NICU and the nurses, predictably, love her.

" She is , isnt she . I'll send up a resident and maybe an intern - Stevens and Karev are both out so I might not get one today. "

" Yup." Camille wrinkles her nose - no interns means no one to do scut.

" You can go , Dr. Montgomery, we got this. Besides - she grins slyly - you need a shower. "

" Wh- hey! " she swipes at the nurse with her scrub cap , which was still stuffed in her pocket.

But she does need a shower, so she drags herself down to the attendings lounge , and her pager goes off when she's at the door.

" Noooo..." she moans , but her mood lifts immediately when she sees it's Derek.

" Oh, hi. I paged you, but here you are anyway. I got you clothes and coffee. "

" Lifesaver ." she mumbles, kissing him on the cheek , then wanting to take it back when she sees the disastrously mismatched outfit he's brought.

" Also Richard called a meeting at eight. "

" _What_ ? Derek, it's seven thirty and I can't wear this to a meeting ! "

"Get moving , then ." he grins, sliding out the door.

She takes a shower, makes O'Malley go down to her car and bring up the dry cleaning she remembers leaving in there - thank god - yanks her hair into submission and is in the conference room five minutes before eight.

" Damn it she's here. " Derek stage whispers.

" You should be ashamed of yourself, playing dirty. "

" No one said we can't. " he defends .

" I don't need to ." she smirks , getting a snort from Mark who's just walked in.

" Neither of you need to. I'm going to be Chief. "

" Mark Sloan, Chief of Surgery. Makes me a vomit a little in my mouth. " she says.

Mark gives her a disparaging look just as Teddy comes into the room, followed by Richard.

" She's a candidate too? " Mark splutters.

" _You? "_ Teddy hisses.

" Number four? Derek scribbles in her notepad.

" Definitely. " she scrawls back.

They exchange a look and a hundred dollar bill under the table - Addison had bet a hundred on the peds PA and Derek put a hundred on a random hookup.

" What are you two doing ? " Mark eyes them suspiciously.

" Nothing. " she tells him sweetly , then eyes Teddy. She looks nice, not that she didn't last nught in scrubs . Smart, obviously. Pushy and domineering.

The peds PA was better .

" Okay esteemed _attendings_ , if you're quite done bickering, I'll call this meeting to order.

I've decided that since we have two new members joining us this month, it's only fair that we allow them a chance to be Chief as well. So starting today, you will be evaluated on surgeries, outcomes, publications, management skills and everything else, people, so buck up. No shenanigans - glares at Mark - or arguments on the OR floor - thus ones for her - or punching people - directed at Derek - and you will be voting for Chief Resident this evening, so watch them closely today. "

" Richard, did you just say _two_ new members? " she ventures.

" Yes. Everybody, this is Dr. Owen Hunt, he's here with us from Afghanistan as our new Head of Trauma. Be nice, people."

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He's stalking down the hallway fuming about the stunt Richard just pulled when he hears Bailey yelling at him, so he turns around.

" Do you or do you not want an intern ?"

" Oh , good morning to you too, Miranda. You do know we're voting for Chief Resident today , right? "

" Tch. ...I don care ! Are you taking one or not ? "

 _Never change, Bailey._

" Yeah , I need someone on my craniopharyngioma surgery today... I'm doing an endonasal approach so Mark will be scrubbing in too - who wants in ?" he's expecting a riot to break out over this one _( also it should win him points with Richard; it's an incredible procedure. )_ , but Bailey says

" Stevens and Karev are out, Yang is following that new Dr. Altman around and O ' Malley ran away with your wife when he found out she was doing an open fetal surgery on a sacrococcygeal teratoma the size of a baseball, and I'd like to be there myself but I'm babysitting my interns, so you have one choice - Grey , take it or leave it.

Although I'd be very much obliged if you would take it, because Addison's surgery starts in ten minutes and I don't want to miss it. "

 _Addie 1, everyone else 0._

" I'll. ...take it." He's honestly a little scared of the little resident.

" Sorry , about Bailey. She's just really excited about Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd's surgery . It's really cool , and..."

" It's ok, Meredith, I'm used to being yelled at by Bailey. "

" You all right ? You look kinda annoyed. "

" Addison didn't tell me that she was doing this surgery , today - she's beating my ass in this race for Chief. "

" I'll take _you_ didn't tell her about your craniopharyngioma ." she smirks.

" No. " he admits.

" That's fair , then ."

They meet their patient, he instructs Meredith on the pre - op lablabs and preparation he wants, and then goes off in search of Mark.

" So, between 10 last night and eight this morning , when did you find the time to sleep with Dr. Altman ?"

" There's always time, my man. Always."

" I just hope you don't feel bad when she kicks you out of the race for Chief . " Derek replies.

" Oh, I think Ads is kicking us all out . Look at that damn board, she's all over it like a _rash_. "

And she is - she's got surgeries lined up back to back all day, all of them insanely difficult procedures that will have Richard drooling over her resume.

" Damn. All we have today is one shared surgery. "

" We gotta step it up man. What do you say we - "

"Oh no, Sloan. _I'm_ stepping it up by myself. Every man for himself."

" I'm your friend! "

" She's my _wife_ , we're not cutting each other any slack. "

See you in the OR then."

" Yup ."

 ** _MEREDITH ' S_** **_POV_**

She gets to spend all day with her gorgeous married ex - boyfriend. In the same OR with the man his wife cheated on him with , causing him to use her as the rebound girl.

Nothing awkward here.

For them, anyway. They seem to be friends again, doing that punching slapping guy friendship thing, cracking jokes at each others expense .

She's the one who's still awkward, still stuck in the past ,where Derek told her she was _like a breath of fresh air_ and kissed her in stairwells and looked at her across the OR in the middle of surgery.

She's the one who can't move on.

She's trying so hard though. Finn , and moving in with him, and unspoken promises of _someday_ with him, but still it's not enough to forget Derek freaking Shepherd.

She can't stand next to him in the OR without her skin burning and she can't look at his stupid ferryboat scrub cap without remembering _I have a thing for ferryboats_ and she can't , she _can't._

But she does, because the carousel never stops turning, and she can't get off, and because she's not a quitter.

She's not.

She can barely concentrate on what's going on in front of her, because every time Derek moves she feels his arm brush ever so slightly against hers.

Not on purpose. It's crowded at the microscope because this is a surgery half the residents are dying to see.

And here she is with a front row seat and wasting it .Cristina would stab her in the eye if she knew what she was doing.

"Dr . Grey. You bored, honey ? " Mark drawls.

" Wh- I ...no. Of course not .I'm sorry."

" Pay attention. " he says, his eyes boring into hers.

She remembers the way he looked at Addison at the wedding, wonders how it's okay for him to still want her if she's not allowed to want Derek.

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He shuts off the tap in the scrub sink, dries his hands. He sees the blonde intern leaving the OR and catches up to her out in the empty corridor.

" Dr. Grey. You got a minute ?"

" No, Dr. Sloan. Not today, you don't get to hit on me today. "

" I'm not going to _hit on you_. I need to tell you something. Get in here. " He pulls her reluctantly into a supply room.

"What ?"

 _Feisty. Like Addison. Derek has a type, doesn't he?_

" Im telling you this because I don't want you to end up like me. You're young, you'll heal, so one member of the dirty mistresses club to another - stop it." he says firmly.

" Stop what? "

" Stop _looking_ at Derek like a little abandoned puppy. Stop _wanting_ him, pining after him, loving him, fantasising - whatever you're doing, stop. "

" I can't. " she whispers, looking up at him with blue eyes like a broken mirror, sharp glass and shattered reflection.

He softens a little.

 _You've got it bad, kid._

" Stop, because I can tell you right now that it's no use, all you're gonna get is a broken heart and an inability to love anyone else.

I get that he's dreamy , I get that you think he's your _one_ , but here's a little reality check for you - he's nobody's _one_ except Addison's.

He doesn't _want_ you. He has Addison now, she's all he's ever wanted.

The thing is , they're both too stupid to know what they want , they don't see what they've _got_ and they make mistakes while they figure it out.

They collect dirty mistresses.

 _I know_ , because I've spent every minute of every day of fifteen years wanting and loving and fantasising about Addison, but I can tell you it's no use. They're Derek and Addison.

They don't see anyone except each other no matter what, they could tear each other to pieces with their bare hands and crawl back into each others arms at the end of the day.

They're Derek and Addison, kid , they're that sick Christmas loving, food sharing snuggly, bickering couple that makes you want to puke. They're a huge fucking cliché, because they really are best friends.

I'm their collateral damage, the product of fifteen years of trying to pick up their pieces but in the end they go back to each other and I'm on the outside looking in, but they're my best friends and my only family and all I have, so I'm stuck here like it or not.

You on the other hand, still have a chance.

So run , kid, run while you can and don't look back, because he'll never be yours just like she'll never be mine."

" Dirty mistresses club , huh ? "

" That's what we are. "

 ** _Review ?_**


	18. Chapter 18

**_Mostly Derek revelations, god knows he needs a few of those._** ** _Upcoming chapters will be a lot of Maddek in New York flashback and some new characters if that's all right by you people._** ** _You don't really want spoilers do you?_** ** _I don't own Greys; if I did Addek would have 3 kids and a dog by now._**

 ** _As always, read and review!_**

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

Three months ago Ruby Eleanor Karev was two pounds six ounces , in an incubator , unable to regulate her body temperature, or even breathe on her own , so tired from fighting for her life that she forgot to breathe when she fell asleep.

Now, she's in the step down unit, four pounds eight ounces , she enjoys snuggling, stuffing her toes in her mouth and screaming the house down when she doesn't get what she wants in five seconds flat.

"Time to send this little madam home, I think. " she murmurs softly, giving the baby an eskimo kiss . " I'm going to miss you. "

" You can visit all you want. " Izzie says, her eyes bright in her pale thin face, her head covered in a cheery silk scarf.

 _Oh, Izzie._ _The chemo, the radiation, the pregnancy, the surgeries; they've taken the cancer, most if it , and left a ghost of the vibrant woman she used to be._

 _But she has Ruby._

She hopes desperately the greed she feels looking at Ruby doesn't show on her face.

She hopes Izzie can't see that she thinks so often how unfair it is that a girl with cancer had a perfect baby while here she is, injecting herself with hormones.

 _I'm a dried up eggless freak._

 _A **jealous** driedup adulterous eggless freak._

" Actually, we were going to ask you to - " Izzie looks up at Karev from her wheelchair.

" - be the godmother. " Alex finishes.

" A...are you sure? " she splutters.

 _Nice, Addison. Very godmotherly._

" I mean, if you don't mind, of course. ...oh god it was just stupid, you're my teacher, I'm so sorry, I should never have put you in this spot, you've already done so much..." Izzie rushes to explain.

" Are you crazy? Izzie, sweetie, I'd _love_ to, I'd be honored.

You hear that baby? I'm your godmother, yes I am. I'm going to spoil you _rotten_. " she coos, blowing a raspberry against Ruby's tummy, making her squeal.

" You're so good with her. " Karev says. " I freak out every time I touch her, feel like I'm gonna break her or something. "

" Your daddy's an idiot, yes he is, Auntie Arizona and I taught him better than that. Arizona would be so _mad_ wouldn't she ; you're daddy's not as smart as you. He doesn't know you're a fighter . You tell him, okay. Give him a punch, go on . Punch him !" she moves the tiny fists around , pretending to hit Alex in the face, Ruby shrieking with giggles.

They're going home today. Izzie has been declared tumor free . For now.

 _God I'm going to miss them._

" Izzie you take care of yourself. Karev has all the time off you need . And if you ever need anything... don't hesitate. We're all here for you, okay ? "

" Addison. " she pulls her into a hug.

" _Thank you._ For our daughter. For making me fight when I couldn't anymore, because _god_ she's worth it. "

She hugs Izzie back, wincing inwardly at how things she has become, her curves reduced to sharp angles and planes.

She thinks she saw someone at the door just now, but she can't be sure.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

That was stupid. Irrational .

But he couldn't do it ; it hurts like a knife twisting in his gut when he sees Addie with Ruby, the ache in her eyes, the way she holds her whenever she can.

She's a natural with babies, or maybe it comes with her job.

She loves babies. She wants his babies.

So why can't she have the one thing she wants ?

 _Does she want it anymore?_

He hates himself for even thinking she doesn't - for gods sake , she's been taking hormone injections for months now.

If that isn't dedication then what is ?

So he makes himself turn around and go back into the nursery, smile at the baby who has stolen his wife's heart, help Karev carry the bags to the car.

They wave goodbye to them among a crowd of their intern friends; Arizona and Richard and Bailey are there too.

Everyone wanders off in their own directions, the attendings leaving for the night and the interns just getting started.

Addison tells him to go get his stuff, she just has one more patient to check up on and she'll join him in the parking lot, before he knows it he's the only one left standing there.

As he heads towards his car he spots a slim figure hunched in the shadows , shuffling her feet and looking away from him.

" Meredith? "

" I ...I was just , uh, leaving . I was just leaving. " she says, like she's convincing herself more than him.

" Everything okay? "

" Yeah !" she chirps.

 _Meredith does not chirp._

And she's still standing here.

" Meredith. I need to open the car, so if you could just..."

" Oh. Oh, okay." she skitters aside.

He puts his bag and in the car , turns around and she's still there, bouncing on the balls of her feet and looking down.

" Look, Meredith, if there's something you want to say, say it."

She looks up at him with her eyes bright with tears and her mouth open, lips quivering like they're trying to make a word but they can't remember how.

He knows that look. It's her big - declaration, soul baring confession look.

He can't do this , not now .It's over with her, it was wonderful while it lasted, but it wasn't right, wasn't meant to be.

 _Sugar high, wears off and leaves you feeling worse than before._

He feels horrible about what he did to her, stringing her along and dumping her like that, him and Addison in her face every day, rubbing salt in her wounds unwittingly.

He knows she loved him. He thought he loved her , but he knew he didn't deep down inside. Maybe it was over before Addie set one spiky heel in Seattle.

He's going to tell her this once and for all because it's not fair to Addie to have his teary needy ex mistress clinging to his leg all the time, but before he can she looks at him differently , with rage so strong he can fell her eyes burning holes in him.

" No. There's nothing left to say , Derek so don't you open your mouth. There's nothing left for you to say, what's left is _me_ and my daddy issues and the boys and the bars that I thought were over when I met you. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, have babies maybe , get all gray together and all that Hallmark perfectness but it won't happen because you have to be the good guy.

You have to go back to her, Mark says you always do and he's _right_.

He knows because he's been hoping you'll leave so he can have her and praying you won't because it would kill her. He loves her Derek - and I love you.

I know I'm making a fool of myself, I'm standing here screaming at my married ex boyfriend who is my boss in this rainy parking lot with snot running down my face and I don't care anymore Derek, all I care about anymore no matter how hard I try not to is _you_. You're my one.

I can't stay here any longer, I can't be near you without feeling like I'm burning and I can't hear your voice without wanting to talk to you and I can't look at you without wanting to kiss you and I hate myself for it.

So I'm leaving.

All I wanted to say was - give me a reason Derek, give me a reason to stay and I'll do it.

Everything you wanted, the white wedding and the kids and the picket fence and the dog and the whole flipping zoo if you want , just please Derek give me a reason , please. "

Her last words slur into her sobs and the rain mixes with her tears until he can barely hear her but she's whispering _please please please please_.

 _Never has he been more ashamed of himself._

" Meredith I don't - not anymore, I don't have a reason to give you. "

and she's standing there with her arms slightly outstretched, like she's planning to wrap them around him.

She lets then fall.

" I know. " she whispers and then she's gone, running across the parking lot through the rain.

" Ready to go? " Addie says behind him, a plastic folder balanced atop her head against the rain.

They cook dinner , eat on the couch. Addie drinks water, because of the fertility treatments.

Addie, who has a glass of wine in hand more often than not and who can drink anyone under the table, drinks water , so he does too , in solidarity.

It's silent, he knows she heard what happened but not how much, she knows that he knows .

They sit stiffly on the couch, a standoff as old as their marriage; neither has the grace to ever back down first.

But today Addie surprises him by taking a deep breath, tightening her hand momentarily around her water glass like she wishes it were something stronger .

" Is it over ?"

He could pretend to not know what she's talking about.

But this is Addison, whip - smart and practically psychic when it comes to him, so he doesn't.

"It's over for me. It has been for a while ; before you came here, I was having doubts ."

" You're still _having doubts. "_

" No, Addie. I won't lie to you , not about this. "

" What made you change your mind ? About her . "

"I'm not going to lie to you. I needed what she had to give. She idolised me, she was wide eyed and naive and it felt good, for once , to be with someone who doesn't know your every flaw and failing.

I wanted stability and certainty but she was too young and inexperienced for that. And she wanted me to be her everything, but I couldn't do that.

I couldn't be her everything, Addison, because every time I'd look at her I compared her to _you_. And she can't be you ; no one can.

You're my everything. Even when I hated you the most, it was only because I loved you so much I couldn't get you out of my head no matter how I hard I tried. "

"We're stuck with each other. " she says slowly, swirling her glass so that the ice cubes clink one way, then another .

" Pretty much. "

" You know, I don't hate her. Meredith. She's gotten hurt in this ... thing, of ours, it isn't fair to her . She didn't know you were married. "

" I didn't tell her. "

" We both hurt each other and then some , Derek. I think we're even now."

" Yeah."

"So let's stop. No more scores. Start fresh, be us . I know I've said this a lot lately, but I'm ready to be really _us_ again. Not this fake touchy feely couple thing where we act like we barely know each other and think twice before we say anything.

I mean, I love you, but I'd don't always _like_ you. And you don't always have to like me, but you do have to love me.

I want the old us back, we were ... _fun._ We _bantered_ , Derek, we cracked jokes and we were competitive and cutthroat and we supported each other but not like an obligation. We were _spontaneous_ and now we're a stodgy old polite couple ."

" You want to be us again ? You want to banter and be competitive and spontaneous? Bring it babe. "

" Don't say _bring it_ ,you sound like a middle aged man trying to sound younger. "

" Ah, I've missed your honesty. "

" I've missed _you_ ." she whispers, and suddenly it's like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

He had no idea she was still so bothered by his relationship with Meredith.

" You want to be spontaneous right now ?" he murmurs against her hair.

" Mm hmm." she replies, kissing him and leaning forward until she has him lying on the couch on his back.

" Addie? "

" Yeah? "

"I'm going to beat you for Chief. "

"Wh...oh my god, you really want to get competitive while I'm sitting on top of you taking your clothes off ? " she laughs incredulously.

" I'm just doing everything you said."

" Aw. "

" Anyway, my clothes are off , why are yours still on ? " he asks, sliding one strap of the silky white thing she's wearing down her shoulder.

They end up on the floor , clothes strewn across the couch .He kisses her slowly, taking his time with each inch of skin, ignoring her protests and attempts to hurry him along.

He needs to _feel_ this, drink her in, make sure she's really his, forever and to keep.

His, not Mark's .

 _He's been hoping you'll leave so he can have her and praying you won't because it would kill her. He loves her Derek ._

Mark loves her enough to accept that she would be devastated if he left her, enough to watch her with me every day and still be happy just because she is .

 _He's a better man than you and you know it, but here you are married to the girl you've both loved for fifteen years while he's out there making sure you don't leave and smash her heart to pieces, because he's the one to pick them up again._ _What am I going to do with him?_


	19. Chapter 19

**_Can I get some reviews, stat._** ** _I feel like I'm writing to an empty void._** ** _Anyway, Addek wouldn't be as good if there weren't tears and misery along the way , it makes them stronger._**

 ** _Do you really want Addek babies?_**

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

"Four. At the same time ?"

" Yeah, Dr. Sloan. She's been here since 3 in the morning. She's done six, actually, in 24 hours. Two before this. "

" Jesus. "

He scrubs in quick and holds a mask over his mouth.

" Addison, why are you doing four surgeries at once? "

" I'm multitasking. "

" You're gonna hurt someone. "

" Of course not. I have it under control. " She's rotating between four ORs at once, supervising and instructing her residents, leaving them to follow her orders while she flits between them.

" _Why?_ "

" They're all electives, Mark, except this one whose uterus I am currently elbows deep in, so can we play twenty questions later, please. "

" Scrub out, whiz kid. Richard's called a meeting. "

" I didn't get paged. " she peers at him over her mask, her headlamp blinding him so that she kind of looks like an otherworldly being, haloed in fluorescent light.

" Richard's coming up here to tell you himself, he wanted to see the surgery fest you've got going. "

" Oh. I'll just finish here - ovarian torsion like I've never seen, it was practically triple knotted - the residents can handle the rest.

Page Bailey in for me, would you ?"

He waits for her in the scrub room, flirting with a cute surgical tech, until Richard comes in.

" I hear our Addie's got four ORs going at once. "

" Yup."

" It's a high, you know, a rush. Knowing you can do this, that you're the best.

I used to do this myself, back when my knees weren't killing me."

" She's the best. " he echoes, then shuts up because she's coming through the doors.

She doesn't need to have her giant head inflated anymore than it is.

 _You're one to talk._

"Hello, men, why are you waiting for me ?"

" I wanted to see the surgery fest." Richard explains.

" Me too. " says Derek from the doorway. "Hey, I didn't see you at home this morning." he kisses Addison on the cheek.

" I was in surgery. "

He shoots Addie a look. She has a miserable poker face.

Derek rarely looks long enough to notice.

He can sense them falling back into their old patterns, there's been a recent spate of cranky phone calls from Addison.

" Addie? You okay ? " Derek's voice is sharp with concern.

"Yeah. Just tired. I'll see you guys at the meeting." she calls over her shoulder as she leaves, slightly unsteady on her feet.

Derek goes to follow her, but his pager goes off that exact moment, the urgent screech of a 911 page .

" I'll go check on her. " he offers quickly, pretends not to notice the look Derek gives him.

He's halfway to the elevator when Derek jogs up beside him.

" Mark - " he holds up a hand when he tries to open his mouth ." Let me keep my wife. Please. "

He sounds small and scared, like Mark had ever stood a chance.

 _Like Addison ever sees him standing there, waiting to catch her when she falls ._

" You lose her and it won't be to me, Derek. You lose her, it's your own fault. "

He leaves him standing there, a small glow of satisfaction in his heart at having hurt him.

 _I'm turning into a bitter old man._

He looks everywhere, she's not in the NICU or her office or Callie's office or the coffee cart.

On a hunch he checks the fire escape , she always used to go out there back when she'd had a bad day in New York.

She's sitting leaning against a rusty railing, looking out over the view of the rain drenched parking lot.

" You haven't changed in years , Red. One bad day and here you are, hiding on the fire escape like always ."

" I get to hide today Mark . It's been ... it's been a day . "

" You want to talk? "

" Where's Derek? "

 _He's not here, **I'm** here._

" He got paged 911."

" That happens. "

" Addie is there something you want to tell me ? "

" Nothing you want to hear. "

He slides an arm around her, lets her burrow into him for warmth.

" I'll take it. "

" Okay. I need you to be a girl for me .Callie's busy, with Arizona and being Chief Resident , so I need you to be a girl ."

" I'll pretend that doesn't hurt my masculine heart. Spill. "

" Richard asked me to be Chief. "

" Congratulations, you sneaky little talented teacher's pet . "

" He asked me not to tell anyone until he was done with all the formalities. I've been dying to tell you people , but I couldn't. "

He gives her shoulders a squeeze and kisses the top of her head .

" Why so down, Red ? You beat us all out for the job we moved here for - the Addie I know would be at Joe's dancing on tables by now. "

" That's the thing . I can't do this all, the Chief thing and the Neonatal service and the baby. "

 _The baby_ ?

He feels suddenly cold. He should be happy, they are his best friends after all.

A baby is finality, the final seal on their marriage keeping them together and locking him out.

" Are more congratulations in order ? " he forces out, because he promised Derek to let him keep his wife and she's very vulnerable and prone to making bad decisions right now. So is he.

" What ? No, no I meant the baby as in...the whole _process_ of it. The drugs. They're giving me these headaches and today when I was scrubbing out I sort of couldn't see the sink, it was blurry. "

" It's never happened before , not in surgery. " she adds quickly, seeing his expression.

" But that's why I did this today, the six surgeries, I just need to feel like I ...could . Like I'm good enough. "

" You are good enough. But you're also stupid, so I'll tell you this - stop the damn drugs before you go blind . "

" I'm an eggless freak. I can't have a baby without the drugs. "

 _We had one just fine didn't we ?_

But he doesn't say it aloud, because she needs one person who doesn't hurt her.

" There are other ways , Addie. You've worked your ass off for this. Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace is not something you turn your nose up at. "

" You think I don't know that ? You think I haven't been thinking about this and thinking about this and _thinking_ for two weeks ?

These are the two things I've wanted the most, and they're happening at the same time.Because that's just what my life is like." she's laughing now, sounding slightly unhinged and dangerously close to tears.

 _Close , but rarely ever there._

This is what she sounds like when she's overwhelmed and exhausted, pushed to the brink of even her considerable mental reserve.

He knows that now, but he didn't the first time he saw a classic Addison Montgomery flip - out.

" _Oh my god Mark what do I **do** ?"_

 _" Get dressed maybe? "_

 _" That's the problem! What do you wear to meet your boyfriends mother, your boyfriend you've only been with for two months? "_

 _" Not that, that's for sure. " he gestures to her outfit of formaldehyde scented lab scrubs._

 _" Shut up. " she massages her temples. " I hate him, hate_ _ **hate** him. Who drops an invitation like this three days before Christmas? "_

 _" Derek. "_

 _" You're coming right?"_

 _" Yeah. I always go to the Shepherds for Christmas. "_

 _" You're not going home ?"_

 _" Nah. No one there ."_

 _" Same here. We're the same that way, Mark , you know. Screwed up families with more money than sense. "_

 _She's babbling now, making no sense at all._

 _" Addison. You'd look good in a sack."_

 _" Don't flirt Mark, not now. "_

 _He's not flirting. He means it, with her he always does._

 _She doesn't know that, and anyway there's a code for this sort of thing._

 _You do not hit on your best friends girlfriend, no matter how hot._

 _But she looks like she's having some kind of nervous breakdown. Over a dress._

 _" Why are you so freaked?"_

 _" Don't you get it ? This is the first time I'm meeting his mother, Mark , his mother. I'm meeting the mother of the man I love and I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, so I_ ** _need_** _his mother to love me. "_

 _" She's going to hate you. "_

 _He means it as a joke, to lighten her up. He expected a dirty look at most, not for her to burst into tears._

 _WASP extraordinaire Addison Forbes Montgomery, of the stiff upper lip and cool indifference and trust funds , crying over a pretty boy from Queens._

 _" Addie? "_

 _" I love him so much Mark, don't you see it? I love him. I can't lose him, he's the only one who **gets** me. Not all the other boys, not my parents, not Archer ._

 _He understands me, my dreams and ambitions and plans, he doesn't think I should ditch med school and be a trophy wife like all the boys do, or run a freaking charity like Bizzy wants me to or think I'm still seven like Archie does or forget I exist like the Captain does._

 _He gets **me** and he wants this me. Not the me they all want me to be."_

 _So he holds her and lets her cry herself out like she didn't just take a scalpel and slash his dreams to shreds._

He does the same now, too, fifteen years later and it's still the same .

" You deserve to be happy, Addison. So do what makes you happy. "

" I wanted a baby, Mark. I had one and I lost it, I got rid of the other. This is probably gods way of telling me I don't deserve kids." she sniffs, wiping away the tears.

Back to normal.

" But right now I don't just want this baby, I _need_ it , as sick as this is going to sound, to hold our marriage together. I promised Derek, and he looked so...happy. He wants one as badly as I do and I owe him this much , after everything. "

 _Do you ever stop to consider that I might have wanted that baby too? No, it's all about Derek._

"You're Addison. You're a fighter. You got this far, don't let what you think he wants eclipse what you know you want . You wanted to be exactly where you are right now, an extraordinary surgeon, Chief, married to Derek. You have it all. Don't throw it away on something that might or might not happen. "

She takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders.

" I'm stopping the drugs. What happens , happens. Either I get pregnant or I don't. You're right, Mark, this opportunity is _now_ and the baby is ... God knows when.

" And anyway , " she hugs him tight and gets up to leave. " I've pretty much proven I'm not fit to have kids. "

 _What have I done?_

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

They file into the lobby, crowding around the stairs like they do whenever Richard call a meeting of ... well, everyone.

The attendings are at the front, residents behind them, interns crammed at the back, nurses mixed in everywhere.

" Good evening everyone. " Richard walks in, looking happier than he's seen him in months.

"Today's the day , the day you've all been waiting for, the day when I finally leave and one of you can be Chief. " he says over the murmured protests from him and Mark.

Addie doesn't say anything, just stares into her almost empty coffee cup like she wishes she could dissolve into it.

"I'm finally retiring, people, I'm going to the Bahamas with my wife, I'm going to relax and enjoy myself, so let's not turn this into a thing with you vultures picking my bones. " he says, looking at the attendings clustered at the foot of the stairs.

" This is a decision I've made carefully, with great deliberation and the consent of the board, based not only on how _flashy_ your OR board has been recently, but also on your leadership and management skills.

Which most of you lack." a ripple of laughter .

" Dr's Hunt and Altman have declined to be considered as candidates as they are both considering a tour of duty. So the new Chief's first job, it looks like , will be to find a new Head of Trauma and Cardio, so my sympathies lie with the winner. "

He had no idea Hunt and Altman had backed out. Its his now Mark was never a serious competitor, and Addie's got other things in her mind right now.

He smirks at Mark above Addie's head, stops short when he sees the way he's looking at her, concern in his eyes.

She's looking at her shoes, fiddling with the sleeve of her white coat.

" So I'd like to introduce to you all your new Chief of Surgery - Dr. Addison Montgomery - Shepherd. "

The applause, the hugs and back slapping and air kissing and Addison's tired smile go over his head until he sees Mark hug her so hard he lifts her off her feet.

" Good girl, Red. Live for what's now, and all that. "

" Wait. " he points at Richard. Everyone falls silent, confused.

 _I know what they're thinking. Selfish arrogant bastard, hasn't congratulated his wife yet._

But this isn't right. He came out here to he Chief. Addie is focusing on other tings now, namely their baby. She can't do this all, be Chief and head of Neonatal and have a baby.

Something will have to give .

" Richard. What the hell. It was mine, you said it was mine. "

" I said there would be a race. She won. "

" She's ... she doesn't want to be Chief ! Do you, Addie? "

" Derek, why wouldn't I? "

" You. ..you said you wanted to slow down, you wanted a family. We're trying, Addison, you can't back out. "

" I'm not _backing out,_ but this opportunity is right here, right now, and it's is my dream, you know that, I can't pass it up for a baby that might or might not ever exist. " he sees her glance at Mark and he knows.

He whirls on his friend " You put this in her head didn't you? "

" Excuse me Derek, this is my decision to make. _Mine_. I've thought about it for two weeks, I'm taking this job. What happens , happens, it'll be a miracle and I'll be happy, but I'm not putting my whole life on hold , because what if it doesn't ? "

" You _knew? "_ People are starting to slink away, muttering under their breaths.

" I told her two weeks ago, so she could get her department in order. Derek, come on, this isn't you. Give it up, she won. " Richard says, shaking his head in disappointment.

" You _knew_ , for two whole weeks, you knew and you didn't say a thing, you let me believe we were going to have a baby and everything was going to be fine, Addison, did you really think you could do that and everything would be _fine_?" he yells, the lobby is totally empty now except for him, Richard, Mark and Addison.

The rest are probably eavesdropping somewhere.

" Derek I couldn't tell you, you know that. It was classified until now, until Richard was down with the formalities.

And we are, we are having a baby, just I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen. This is my dream. Its happening, so can't you just once stop whining about how it's _not fair_ and be happy for me ? "

" You stole it right out from under me! This is my dream too, you knew that. And you took it anyway, _after_ you lied to me about what you and Mark are, because he's always in your head isn't he, just not in your bed.

Or maybe he is. "

He's being unbelievably selfish and hurting her, he can see that, but he can't believe Ricardo just betrayed him like this, Addie betrayed him by saying she wanted a baby and deciding she wanted his dream job instead.

He knows she wanted the job too but she would've been a great mother, she was so happy just thinking about it and he really thought that was what she wanted most.

He let himself believe that the Chief position would be his, not Addie's , because of that.

Mark did this.

" You do it on purpose, don't you, screw with her head just when she's got it on straight , when she's happy and knows what she wants. " he spits, his blood boiling when Mark wraps an arm around Addison's shoulders to calm her down.

She brushes him off , rakes her fingers through her hair. In the bright hospital lights he can just see the tiny scar at her hairline from all those months ago, when he'd met a new, low side of himself.

The side that surfaces constantly these days whenever he sees them together.

"Don't talk about me like I'm not even here ! Derek, how _dare_ you assume that I wanted to be a stay at home mommy while you swanned around this hospital, I'm just as capable a surgeon as you are, and I deserved this job .

I want a baby, I also want this job. I don't see you offering to stay home, but it doesn't matter right now _because there is no baby._

We'll figure it out when there actually is one to think about. If you even want one anymore. Until then,I intend to be Chief. " ,her voice getting softer and colder with every word .

He looks around at all of them , staring at him with anger and disappointment in their eyes.

" You know what? _Do whatever you want._ I don't care, I'm done with this indecision and never knowing where we're going, I can't take it anymore . Just... do whatever makes you happy. "

And he turns around and leaves, pretending not to hear the muffled _Derek_ _stop_ and Mark's soothing voice , Richard placating her, because if he stays he'll undo the miracle Mark has somehow worked - he hasn't seen Addie this sure and confident for a long time, and she needs that more than she needs him dragging her down with visions of babies and forever .

 ** _Review, please. Please please please._**


	20. Chapter 20

**_I always thought Addie should be Chief._** ** _I don't own Grey's, or she would be._**

 ** _Enjoy._**

 ** _RICHARD'S POV_**

He sends his new Chief home , telling her she'd need her sleep for tomorrow - what with the budgets coming up, Hunt and Altman possibly leaving, and her jealous husband to deal with, she was going to have a rough few weeks.

They're like kids to him and Adele, not just because they didn't have their own, but because out of all the residents and interns he'd mentored, these two were his stars, his dream team, his biggest accomplishment and the legacy he would leave to medicine and this hospital.

Along with Bailey, of course , not that he'd ever say it to her face.

He's seen them as gawky interns with no experience but bursting with potential they didn't know they had, he'd been the one to tap them out of their shells and teach them and watch them grow until they surpassed his own skills.

He saw them get engaged, then married, for eleven years he'd endured the lateness in the mornings because of what usually turned out to be two lame excuses covering an inability to keep their hands off each other, the bickering and the demands for shared time off, watched them overcome impossible odds and make medical history.

He's watched them make mistakes and stumble, and grow apart and tear each other down.

In Seattle, he watched them grow together again, and he sincerely hopes it stays that way, because the last thing he needs is another Montgomery - Shepherd vs Shepherd standoff.

He still hasn't forgotten the last time it happened.

 _" Addison! "_

 _" Oh hey, husband. I haven't seen you in two days, nice to know you still work here. "_

 _" Why'd you bump my surgery? "_

 _" I had a placental abruption come in and it was an emergency, so I -"_

 _" My patient **left**. He left and went to another hospital because you bumped his aneurysm repair for the third time in two days! "_

 _" It's busy, Derek. I'm chief resident, I'm in charge of all the other residents so I have the enviable task of shuffling all our surgeries when some emergency comes in, and thanks to whiny surgery deprived people like you ,it's even harder ."_

 _" Bump someone else. I have ten minutes before he leaves and makes me look like an idiot who can't hold on to his patients. "_

 _" So don't be one, then. "_

 ** _" Excuse_** _me ?"_

 _" Talk to him, Derek. You know, make meaningful noises with your face. You do know you can do that with patients right, not just slice them up ?"_

 _" I. ...Bump Mark ! He's doing a rhinoplasty, that can wait ."_

 _" I can't throw out one elective for another."_

 _" Can't or won't? "_

 _" Both !"_

 _" Seriously, Addie? "_

 _" Don't Addie me at work. It's not getting you an OR. "_

 _" I can get an OR without you. I can do surgery without your approval - you know what ? I probably get more OR time than you anyway. "_

 _" Don't even go there. "_

 _" You're backing down? "_

 _" Never, sweet husband. "_

 _" All right, dear wife. Game on. "_

 _And what followed was two weeks of passive aggressive magnificence as the two proceeded to perform exactly 56 surgeries apiece in 14 days , all the while stealing each others ORs and scrub nurses and techs ,then collapsed into his office on the fifteenth day to ask who'd won._

 _When he told then they'd tied, they peeled themselves wordlessly off his couch and headed to do a tiebreaker before he sent them home forcibly._

 _The next morning they were very very late._

He wonders when they went from that made for the movies couple to this bitter jealous shell of themselves .

Derek is shuffling dejectedly past his office door as he packs the last of his stuff, caresses the nameplate that has sat there for thirty years before he puts it in his bag.

" Shep. "

" Yeah Chief . Oh. Sorry. Uh, Richard, what is it ?"

" Come in here a minute. "

" Why? "

" Because I said so !"

He comes in, sits down in the chair opposite his desk and looks up at his mentor and father figure petulantly.

" What ?"

" What was that out there ?"

" That ? I think it was my wife stabbing me in the back with the knife you gave her. Or maybe a pointy shoe, she'd like that."

" Why did you think the job was yours ? "

"She almost got sued for malpractice, Richard, barely a month ago."

" You know what happened with the Brandon baby was _not_ her fault, you should be ashamed, sinking so low just to drag her down. This isn't the man you used to be , Derek."

" She isnt the same either.

And Richard let's not beat around the bush here, okay. I'm a board certified neurosurgeon who does surgeries other surgeons don't dream of, and I save patients that no one else would or could touch without getting hit with a malpractice suit, I have good leadership skills - and you promised me ."

" Addie is a double board certified OB GYN, neonatal and maternal fetal surgeon with a fellowship in medical genetics, she runs circles around other surgeons with her scalpel, and for your information _she's_ not the one interns and nurses hate working with because she's a, and I quote , a whiny arrogant bore. "

" _Who_ said that ? "

" That doesn't matter, fool. What matters is that she deserves this as much as you do, but she's going to be better at it , so I chose her. "

" How do you know she'll be better ? "

" She's not the one who _checks out_ when things get tough, she's the one who stays and fights for it. That's what this hospital needs. You - you'd just gripe and moan. She will find a way through the problem, probably through sheer force of will and stubbornness, but she will. That's why. "

" Low blow, Richard, but true. "

" Go home, idiot, and tell _her_ that. She should have you throwing her a party and here you are, crying because she got what you wanted."

" But we were going to - "

" Have a baby? So were Adele and I. Look at us now, she left her job, I married mine, and no kids.

She couldn't get back in the saddle after she'd left. She regrets it now, I think, because she loved her job and. ... I asked her to leave it so we could have a family, but we never did.

Addison was _born_ to be a surgeon. You make her sit at home, she'll go stir crazy in three minutes.

And who the hell are you to take her away from what she loves, and to take her away from people who need her ? You know most of her patients are the people who have been passed over by every other surgeon. She's their last hope. "

" What about my dream, Richard? "

" Marriage is all about compromise, Derek. And if it makes you feel better, you weren't my second choice either. If Addison turned me down, I was going to stay. You wouldn't have been Chief either way; you have it in you, but you're not ready yet. You have some growing up to do."

" Oh. "

" Yeah. "

" What do you think I should do now? " he looks like a lost little boy , and suddenly Richard remembers the last time Derek asked him what he should do with Addison.

 _" Uh, Dr. Webber ? "_

 _" Shepherd did you finish with the enema in 310 ? And the drain removal in 325,the paracentesis in 1321 and that abcess in 1432 ?"_

 _" No, but -"_

 _" Get moving. "_

 _" No."_

 _" Did I hear you say no? "_

 _" No, sir...I mean yes I said no, but I didn't say it no to y . ... oh whatever, can I please ask you a question? It's just that it's really important and it can't wait, I have to know this by tomorrow. "_

 _" Did you and your girlfriend steal a good case you're not telling me about? "_

" _No sir, not this time."_

 _" Well, hurry up then ."_

 _" I. ...was planning on asking Addison to marry me, and I wanted to ask you for ...help . I mean, you married Adele, you did the whole asking thing, so could you give me some pointers? "_

 _He softens a little then, because he knows Derek has no one else to ask._

 _" Come on, Shepherd, this isn't a surgery. I can't give you pointers, you just have to. ...speak from the heart. Tell her how much she means to you, and that you love her and respect her and you want to be with her no matter what._

 _You know you want to marry her ; I presume you know why. "_

 _" Could you say that again, please, a little slower ? " he asks, whipping out a little notepad._

 _" Shepherd. Write your own speech. "_

 _" Thanks anyway. "_

 _He's almost gone when Richard calls after him._

 _" For what it's worth Derek, I think she'll say yes. "_

He looks at him now, a lot older but not much wiser.

" Go home, and grovel .For your life, because after today I won't testify against her in court if she does actually kill you."

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He's just sat down on his couch with a glass of scotch - double malt, can't shake the habit - and is waiting for Addison's inevitable phone call, staring at his cell, when the doorbell clinks.

Seriously, it clinks, like it's some old spinsters' doorbell, a spinster who has ten cats and and pink ruffle things in the living room. Its ruining the effect of his bachelor pad; he should change it.

Turn it off entirely, maybe, so he won't actually have to see people except the ones he brings home.

Preferably slightly drunk , giggly and pretty.

Maybe red haired , because those exact eyes are hard to find elsewhere.

When he opens the door, he's convinced he should have killed the bell a long time ago, because then this person, the last person on earth he needs to see right now but the only one he can talk to, wouldn't be on his doorstep, begging to be punched in his dreamy face.

" Go away. " he says, even as he steps back to let him in.

" This place is freezing ." Derek mutters as he shrugs off his jacket, thinks better of it and puts it back on. " Can't you afford heating?"

" I was working out. " he informs the disheveled man cheerily.

He's allergic to happy, maybe if he acts all happy he'll leave quicker.

" Of course you were. " Derek pours himself a glass from the bottle still open on the bar.

" This place get you laid often? " he gestures around at the room, all cold grey and black with lots of glass .

" All the time. "

They sit in silence, drinking their scotch and waiting for the other to speak up.

" You know why I'm here. " Derek says.

Dutch courage, always helps.

"You should have been here a long time ago."

" I know, but I didn't come, so I'm here now. And you have to listen to me. "

" All right. I'll stay away from Addison. "

 _Say it so he'll leave._

" That's not it. You can't just leave her. You're her friend , if you stop talking to her she'll flip out and interrogate you until you tell her why. "

" True."

" What I want ... is for you to promise to at least _try_ to stop being in love with my wife, and I'm not saying this to hurt you, but she doesn't love you back. Not the way you want her to. You get that , right, that she never has or never will love you? "

" I'm smarter than you, Derek. I've known that since we met in med school. You're all she sees, I could set myself on fire and she wouldn't notice. "

" That's not true. She cares about you. "

" Like you said; not the way I want her to."

" Look, Mark, I've known you since we were six and you had no front teeth, so let's be straight - do not sleep with my wife. Do not stop talking to my wife .

And please, don't stop talking to me, because I need your miserable face in my life."

" Deal. "

 _I won't do the one thing I've been trying not to for fifteen years. Big deal._

" Is it slightly weird that we're discussing that my wife isn't in love with you ,but you love her, and so do I , while she's not here and is probably mad at both of us ?"

" It is. "

They drink to that.

" I'll stay away from Addison - but only if you promise to stay with her. She loves you, she's a stupid little fool for that, but she loves you. And I can't stand seeing you break her again, Derek, she deserves so much more.

So I'll stay away but if you hurt her like this again, if you go back to your intern or whatever, I will _end_ you. " he says, his voice low and rough.

" Believe me, I intend to make it work this time. I was an ass but I'm going to make it right with her. She deserves this. "

" Are. Present tense. After what you pulled tonight in front of everyone I'll be surprised if she's not hiding behind your front door with a knife. Or a shoe. "

" That's exactly the same image I had in my head ." Derek snorts into his glass.

" God. She's our boss now. "

" Jesus. " Derek looks alarmed. "Satan is our boss ."

 ** _ADDISON'S_** ** _POV_**

 _Alone._

That's what she is, alone.

She's chief of surgery at the best teaching hospital in the country, for gods sake.

She's a groundbreaking surgeon who saves babies.

She's training the next generation of young doctors for this world.

She's married to a man most women dream of . _(Not that they would if they ever met him.)_

She's hot. She's wildly attractive. They call her McHottie, for crying out loud.

What she is is McAlone.

All the time.

She's sitting on the living room floor , drowning her sorrows in red wine and twisting her rings around her finger, wallowing deliciously in self - pity when she hears his key in the lock, wonders if it's too late to run and pretend to be asleep.

She can't face his jealousy on top of everything else.

"You are all of those things. " he says.

" What? "

" You are. Amazing and talented, groundbreaking, hot, wildly attractive and married to me by some lapse of judgement on your part. You are all those things, but you're not alone. "

She cringes into her wine ." I was talking out loud ? You can hear me out in the hall ? "

" You're slightly drunk. It makes you loud and rambling. "

" It does. " she swirls her glass between her fingers. " Why are you here? "

" To say sorry. "

She laughs "No, Derek. You say sorry as many times you say I love you and it's starting to feel so empty, I'd rather you didn't say it at all."

" Addie. I was an unforgivable jealous chauvinist ass today. I get that.

But I was shocked, because I had assumed that Chief was always mine.

I counted you out when I should have learned years ago never to do that.

I knew that, I just forgot it.

I know I say this a lot lately but I always mean it, because I live you and I respect you and I want to be with you forever.

So please, give me one last chance. "

 _Wow. Where did he drop that ego?_

" Last .Chance? " she plunks the glass down on the floor. " Jealous chauvinist ass. "

" You're drinking again. "

"I get to drink today. I'm celebrating, even if you're not. "

"Addie why didn't you tell me about the drugs? Why Mark? "

"Because you'd have made me stop. I didn't wanna stop. I wanted a baby . I still want one, but I can't take the drugs anymore .I am going to sit back and wait for a miracle, if it happens I'll be. ... _ecstatic_ , but I can't do this thing where I sit home and poke holes in my ass with needles, not when I could be Chief. "

He slides down onto the floor beside her, steals a sip of wine.

" You're going to be a fantastic Chief. "

She turns around all the way, stares at him." You think so? "

"I know so. You're naturally bossy, it'll be easy for you. "

" I. ...I am not _bossy_ ! "

" I beg to differ. " he slips the stem of the glass from between her fingers as he leans in for a kiss .

He's pulling back, looking at her with pride in his eyes when she grabs him and says " You want to see what bossy is ?"

She leans him down to the floor, enjoying his wide eyed surprised expression, slowly unbuttons his shirt, trailing her fingers down his skin.

"I'd like to see that. " he says, breathless.

She kisses him fiercely, their tongues pushing at each other, when he suddenly grabs her by the waist and pins her to the ground.

"Oh, no, woman. You're going to be the boss of me at work; tonight I get to be the boss. "

She giggles as he stretches her arms above her head, pinning her wrists to the floor with one hand, undoes her dress with a practiced hand and stops when his mouth finds the most sensitive spots on her skin, and has her begging for him within minutes.

"Is it appropriate to sleep with your boss? " he teases, pretends to move away.

" You know you want to. " she pants , rolling her hips against him just in case he needs a reminder, smirks at the look that spreads across his face.

Its not slow and delicate this time; he thrusts into her roughly but in a way that makes her arch her back and moan, wrap her legs around him and pull him deeper.

He can't stop himself either, he sets a pace that's both punishment and paradise, moans her name into her lips as they climax together.

"We keep getting better and better at this ." he gasps as he rolls to lie beside her.

"Mm hmm? "

" Practice, practice. " he says, snaking an arm around her waist to pull her closer so he can kiss her . "We should do this more often. I like sleeping with my boss. "

" Oh we so should. " she says, trying to catch her breath, but she can't because she's laughing too hard as his stubble tickles her stomach .

" That was the best sex we've had in a _long_ time . I should be bossy more often. "

 ** _Review please, I'm a greedy little one._**

 ** _Also this fic is turning out to be quite Addison centric isn't it? I love her._**

 ** _Speed of updates is proportional to the amount of reviews. Keep em coming._**


	21. Chapter 21

**_Fluff, because things are going to happen. Also because I have exams and fluff makes me feel better ._** ** _Read and review with suggestions and requests!_**

 ** _Thanks to all the lovely amazing angelic people who review._**

 ** _CRISTINA 'S POV_**

The whole race for Chief thing was excellent.

The attendings ripping each others throats out, one upping each other with the fanciest most outrageous surgeries - it was manna from heaven.

It's over now, though. Montgomery - Shepherd won it with her musical surgeries routine and her baby saving powers.

Her best friends married ex boyfriends ridiculously hot and immensely likable wife is all of their bosses now.

Her said best friend is currently lying flat on the narrow little bench in the interns locker room, preventing anyone else from sitting there and ignoring the annoyed looks she's getting.

" Mer. Snap out of it. We have rounds in twenty seconds. "

" Should I go to Boston or San Diego ?"

" What ?"

" I'm transferring . I can't stay here with McHottie in charge . Its too...awkward. "

" It's only awkward if you make it awkward. Get _up,_ I can hear Bailey coming. "

" She's just so...nice. I can't even make myself hate her, so I end up hating myself for wanting to hate her. It's killing me. "

" _I'll_ kill you if you don't get up off your ass." Bailey snarls, stomping into the room.

"Addison Montgomery has never been anything but nice to you since she got here, Grey. She didnt have to be , but she was . Don't let me catch you trash talking her again. Move ."

They shuffle grumbling out of the locker room, realising they haven't been given any assignments yet.

"Addison is going to shake things up a little, she thinks you all are entirely too comfortable, picking and choosing your own attendings. I always knew I liked this woman." Bailey announces cheerfully.

Addison is standing outside her office, looking like she accidentally fell out of a magazine and into the hospital in a white blouse and sleek grey pencil skirt.

" She's got - " Cristina begins.

" - legs to die for. " George finishes, his eyes running all the way up the seemingly endless legs , in heels as always .

" - to be kidding." Cristina completes her sentence, because the new Chief is holding a fishbowl with paper slips in it, which means -

" Pick an attending at random, people . You are here for a well rounded surgical education, you won't get that tagging along behind a single attending."

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

 ** _EARLIER THAT MORNING_**

" Do I look fat ?"

" _No. "_

He's lying on the bed, sipping coffee and admiring the view as his wife flips frantically through her clothes, searching for something that "doesn't make her ass look ginormous ."

Which is one thing it never does, but who is he to complain if he gets an excuse to look at it.

" Addie, sweetie, it doesn't matter what you wear. You're going to be a great Chief. "

" Half my clothes are in boxes because we're supposed to be moving into the house but it still isn't done and I have nothing to wear, Derek, I can't be a naked Chief. "

" I'd like that. A lot of other people would too, I bet. "

She flings something at him and it hits him in the face. " Shut up. "

His phone buzzes. It's Callie - isn't she supposed to be on vacation? - and has to stifle a laugh when he reads it.

 ** _White blouse with the ruffle thing from her last shopping trip and that grey skirt you like because it makes her legs look great . Don't tell her I told you but I've had the outfit planned for weeks._**

He gets up with a groan, reaches into her closet and pulls out two things at random.

"Wear these. "

She holds the skirt and blouse up to herself critically in the mirror." When did you learn to put together an outfit ?"

" I manage. " he says, dropping a kiss on her head as he reaches for his own clothes.

 _Women._

Three cups of espresso and a pep talk later they're finally out of the apartment - for the last time hopefully - and in the car. She lets him drive , sitting clench jawed and rigid the whole way to the hospital.

He parks the car, leans over and kisses her firmly on the lips. " Stop worrying. You're Addison. You save unborn lives. You can manage a bunch of emotionally immature surgeons. "

" I can ? "

" You can. " he says, trying not to laugh at the look of terror on her face.

She takes a long deep breath before she steps of the elevator on her floor, turns around for one last reassuring look from him, and marches off the elevator to cheers from the whole floor.

He watches the split second transformation from his Addie to the Addison everyone else knows , rambling, slightly awkward, confused and sweet to a cool steely professional.

 _Richard was right. She's the one for the job._

He changes his mind later when Meredith Grey pulls a slip with his name out of the fishbowl.

Addie looks like she swallowed a lemon, but she makes the usual quick recovery, sends them on their way.

Yang is with Hunt _( why does she look so pissed about it ?)_

,O'Malley is with Dr. Altman and Karev and Stevens are still out.

He has surgeries lined up back to back all day and he doest really want to spend it in an OR with a woman who hates his guts.

Meredith stops dead in the middle of the corridor and he nearly bumps into her, practically arching concave to avoid touching a single hair of hers . He doesn't want to push her buttons any more than he already has .

" Dr. Shepherd . This isn't going to be weird, right? I mean I don't want it to be weird. I want to be your intern and I want you to be my attending. I don't want you to be extra polite or nice to me because your wife wrecked my life, or anything, so don't. Don't be nice. "

" You don't want me to be nice to you. " he says , baffled.

" No. Or I'll feel worse. I don't want to have to like you, please don't make it easy to like you. Be horrible. "

" O - kay? "

" Good. That's good then." and she starts walking at warp speed again, never having turned around while talking to him.

 _Women._

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She hates money. Hates it.

Or rather, the lack of it. The hospital has no money. No money.

No wonder Richard was laughing so hard when he handed her the ledgers this morning.

Each department needs a million a year to keep things running. But everything other than that - the flashy headlining pro-bono surgeries and tech and equipment and standard of care that makes Seattle Grace what it is, that needs more than a million a year.

This year there isn't enough.

And she has to draw up departmental budgets today, while her hands itch for a scalpel instead of a pen .

It's almost making her breathless again, she can feel the dreaded familiar tightness in her chest.

 _This is what you wanted._

So she takes a pill for the first time in months, and soldiers on.

She has called a meeting of all the heads of department during the lunch hour so that she can fit in a surgery after, and she drops the little orange bottle into her purse as they clamor into the room, holding food and chattering loudly.

Mark tracks her hand with his eyes, looks up at her and cocks his head. "Tough first day Chief? "

She ignores the look Derek gives him as he hands her a sandwich and kisses her rather unnecessarily on the lips.

She clears her throat " You wish. "

" All right everyone, settle down. I'm sorry for stealing your lunch hour, but I need to do a surgery today or I might go crazy and slit one of you open, so bear with me. " a ripple of laughter goes around the table.

"She's not joking." Mark deadpans, earning a kick under the table from her.

" So. Budgets. I have decided that ... the department showing the greatest patient influx, number of surgeries and _marketable or headlining_ innovations will be getting the greatest allocation this year, and maybe next year too, at least until our cash flow stabilises , because right now we simply don't have funds to be shoring up departments that are ... lagging behind. "

The predictable debate explodes around the table, lunches forgotten as they all tell her why their department _needs_ the money.

" It's not my fault trauma is slow, I can't exactly help it if no one is getting hurt. " Owen points out, to which she says

" That's why you're getting your standard allocation of a million dollars. What I'm talking about is the extra money, for labs, new departments and extra staff. For the stuff that makes this place as good as it is .

Each department gets their million dollars - but I have 2 million extra to distribute , so show me you can bring it in and I might give it to you. "

" Smart ." Derek admits grudgingly. " Make us work for the money Richard already promised us. "

" Richard makes a lot of promises to a lot of people . " she says archly, making Owen and Teddy snort with laughter and Derek and Mark develop a sudden interest in their food.

"So I have the financial details of each department for the last three months here in front of me , and the winners are - "

" Wait - you're considering the _last_ three months? Not the next ? " Teddy demands.

" Yes. If I told you the one who earns the most gets the grant, you'd all slice open patients if they needed it or not. So, surprise. "

She hears Teddy mutter something that rhymes with _stitch_ under her breath, but she lets it go .

 _What is her problem with me?_

" The order is neonatal, plastics, cardio, general, neuro, ortho and then trauma. "

" That can't be right. " Derek announces ." I know for a fact we did over a 150 surgeries these past three months , no way we're second last. "

The rest of them are grumbling the same thing, with minor variances, mostly in the colorful adjectives they're using to describe her policy.

" You did. And 10 of them were pro -bono so there's a half million dollar loss right there. You , Mark, did 8 , Altman did 9 and Richard and Bailey did 12 . Together that's a couple million down the drain that we didn't have charities or grants to support.

And you all were also too busy doing them to mug for good deals with pharmaceutical companies , so you _way_ overspent on drugs and equipment, you were so busy doing them that you had to pay nearly 100,000 dollars - each department - in overtime to your OR staff, and you still haven't received payment for most of them because your secretaries ran away crying and no one has been haggling with the insurance companies for you.

Clearly , none of you is going to do it yourselves, so I've already interviewed and selected secretaries for each one of you to handle these things. Any questions? "

" How is neonatal way ahead? " Teddy asks.

Because I did all these things I just told you you didn't ." she says smugly.

 _She tries not to be, but GI Jane is getting on her nerves._

" Any questions? " she repeats, basking in Teddy's silence.

" Where did you learn all this ?" Derek asks, looking bewildered.

" Trust fund brat. " Mark stage whispers, earning a swat in the head from her.

If he keeps this up she'll have beat him black and blue by the end of the meeting.

" I ran both our practices in New York, honey. Three, if you count his " - she jabs a pen at Mark " - because he was too busy sleeping with his staff to worry about things like that.

And you, frankly, would never remember to collect payment because you were too busy cutting. Insurance companies loved you, you never asked for the hundreds of thousands of dollars you were due unless I stepped in and did it for you .

So that's where I learned this. And if there are no further questions, I am leaving to go get blood on my hands before I commit homicide.

Meeting adjourned. "

Derek chases after her in the hall , hands her her uneaten sandwich.

" Thanks. I never realised you were single handedly running two and a half practices - I always thought I had it easy because I was doing everything right, not because you were carrying my deadweight. "

" You're welcome. Dinner as a thank you is perfectly acceptable, if you were wondering ."

" Deal. You and me, tonight, I'll cook. That pasta thing you like. And I'll even throw in dessert. " he winks at the last word, and steers her towards the OR floor.

" Go save lives. "

" I love you. " she whispers almost involuntarily, because she can't remember the last time things between them were so smooth, so easy.

" Love you too. " he says in her ear, breath tickling her neck and making her squirm the slightest bit.

And then he leaves, so she takes the moment alone to collapse onto a gurney and catch her breath.

 _This is what you wanted._

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He stops at the grocery store before he goes home, picks up the stuff he'll need.

Neither he or Addison are the type who cook - Addie especially - but this is one thing he makes well, so it's her favorite.

He hasn't made it in so long, because at first it was a passive aggressive way of getting back at her, then because it hurt too much to make it without her there, and then because it wasn't something he could share with Meredith, it was too personal.

 _I'm turning into an old lady, romanticising food. This isn't Lady and the Tramp._

He calls his mother for the recipe - he can remember complex surgeries but not this - and regrets it when she cross examines him and tries to guilt him into bringing Addie and coming to visit.

He manages to extricate himself half an hour later and is almost done when Addie trudges through the door .

" I'm home. " she mumbles into the couch cushions.

He pours her a glass of wine, feeling domesticated, and lifts her chin with two fingers to hold it under her nose.

He's always teased her about being a minor wino, but she actually holds her alcohol better than anyone else he knows - her blood is probably equal parts wine and coffee.

So he's surprised when she shakes her head and drops back on the cushions .

"No wine? Not after your first day as Chief ?"

" I shouldn't. "

" Huh ? - oh . Oh my _god_ . Addison, I told you to stop the drugs . You're taking them behind my back ? Stop. Before you go blind or stroke out or something. "

" I'm not. Stop fussing. "

" Then why ? Are you pr - " his heart nearly falls out of his chest.

" No . I'm the most infertile woman on earth apparently. I'm not drinking because. ... my ass looks fat . "

" Not this again ." he groans, but the guilty shift of her face is familiar to him- subtle, but not to him, he knows her too well - " No. its something else. "

" I don't want to, okay? I don't need a hangover or something tomorrow on top of everything else. " she says, slightly on edge.

 _Addie. You don't get hangovers. You wake up sparkling and cheerful while everyone else is hunches over the toilet wishing they were dead._ But she's had a stressful day, so he lets it slide.

They eat dinner, she chatters happily about the house and the color of everything from the curtains to the inside of the kitchen cabinets, roses or something lower maintenance, asks him if he wants to cobble or gravel the driveway, his surgeries tomorrow, her surgeries, bitches a little about Teddy, tells him that Nancy sent her some sort of handbag she'd been _dying_ to have as congratulations, while he replies appropriately, but she looks exhausted and he can't stop thinking.

She's eating though, that's a good sign because it takes a majorly disastrous event for Addison to lose her appetite. This means that whatever it is, it isn't apocalyptic.

If he asks her again now he's risking having to sleep on the couch, so he puts it down to the stress of her first day and offers the one thing he's sure will perk her up.

" Dessert? " he asks, looking into her eyes and running one foot up her leg under the table.

"Yes please. " she grins, dropping her fork immediately.

 _So predictable_ , he thinks happily.

 ** _Please review!_**


	22. Chapter 22

**_To everyone asking if Addie's sick - shhhhhh. All in good time._** ** _Thank you to all the lovely amazing people who review._**

 ** _CALLIE'S POV_**

She times it perfectly, snags Addison's sleeve with her finger and hauls her into the supply closet in a split second before anyone notices.

We'll, except for Debbie, who was talking to her, but Debbie will have to wait.

This is important.

" What? " Addison hisses, straightening her sleeve . " Have you lost it ? I'm not Arizona. Speaking of her , what's wrong, she wrote me the weirdest email this morning for - "

At the mention of Arizona she can't hold it in anymore, she bursts into tears, loud sloppy tears the like of which Addison Montgomery has probably never cried in her life, so she understands when the redhead looks bewildered.

" Callie? Sweetie, what happened? " she drops her armload of charts into a bin of IV kits and hugs her.

" I slept with Mark. "

She can practically hear the well oiled gears whirling in her friends head. " I..."

" - thought I was gay ? Yeah , me too. But I'm bi. Apparently. "

" Is that why you're crying? "

" No, I'm crying because I slept with Mark. "

She runs her fingers soothingly through Callie's hair " That bad ?"

" No, and that's the problem, it was amazing but I love Arizona, I love her and she...she .." she can't seem to stop hiccupping.

" You two are moving in together, what happened ? Was it a drunk thing, you were confused and he was...there ?"You know we went to Africa on vacation...it was amazing, safaris and animals and cute African babies and stuff but since we got back she was really missing it, the chance to help kids out there who really need it, and I thought she'd snap out of it, she has a fantastic job here...and me, but she sent a grant application a week after we got back and guess what ? My girlfriend won the most prestigious charitable grant to go work in Malawi and save little kids and here I am, the howling horrible jealous girlfriend who won't go with her, and she left.

Last night. She just left, wrote you an email for sick leave and left to go set things up in Malawi.

She's coming back to get her stuff, but it's over, and I slept with Mark . " she bawls , clinging to Addison and crying into her waist .

" Why do you... rattle ? " she hiccups curiously . Addie's lab coat is rattling suspiciously every time she moves.

She gives her a shake to make sure the crying and last night's mindblowing sex hasn't caused her to go loco .

" Stop shaking me. It's nothing, just a patients meds I'm taking them ." she sits down in front of Callie, tucking her knees against her chest and slipping off her shoes.

" It's just two years , Callie, if you want to wait for her you can. "

"That's the problem - I don't know if she's the one. I know I love her, but not if she's the one. I mean , look what happened when my dad met her, él se volvió loco, él quisiera que rezara lejos el gay y él ni siquiera me dejó decirle a mi madre porque ella me matará pero la amo tanto - "

" Callie. I speak French . And English. I have no idea why you're saying, but I've unfortunately been in your shoes before and let me tell you this - Mark is amazing , excellent in bed and a great way to make yourself forget that things are screwed up, but he's a human too and he's my friend and lately he's been ... sensitive.

I don't want him to get hurt in this , and hes going to.

Because you're in love with Arizona, I can see that. You two have something special and I can feel it, you'll ... work this out.

And when you do, I promise you the last thing you want is to feel guilty for losing your panties for man candy. "

Addison's pager and phone go off simultaneously and she looks at them , her face changing from sympathetic to horrified and the determined in seconds.

" Thank you. " Callie dries her face on Addie's silk shirt, then immediately starts crying again for ruining it.

" It's okay, it's okay . You get to cry today.

But I also need you to ...uh , get up and kick butt today because the OR board is jammed

and I just got wind of a MVC on the highway ten minutes out - a school bus and a SUV , so stuff it in."

" Yes , Chief." she sniffles, having found a tissue.

" That's my girl. Come on, let's go find you some broken bloody bones to fix, that always makes you feel better. "

"Wait. Did you say school bus?" she whimpers.

 ** _DEBBIE'S POV_**

Rude and inconsiderate, that's what they are.

Disgraceful. The chief resident pulling the Chief of Surgery and the head of Neonatal into a closet to gossip like a pair of giggling teenagers .

She was telling Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd something important but did she care ? No.

She's gossiping in a closet .

Although to be fair the woman is an excellent Chief, she hired new nurses the week after she started the job , so this minor slip can be almost forgiven.

Anyway, she was telling her that they're desperately understaffed, with Karev and Stevens still out and Addison herself neck deep in administrative bullshit, they need surgeons to deal with the incoming traumas and something has to be done with the boardful of electives.

She does not want to be the one to tell Shepherd his surgeries have been cancelled.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He hasn't seen his wife since last night, but just as he's about to call her, he sees her stalking out of a supply closet trailed by a suspiciously red eyed Torres , yelling orders at whoever is close enough to hear.

" Clear that board, no electives today we've got multiple traumas coming in, get all this mornings patients out of pre-op and deal with the families, tell them they've been pushed for an emergency.

Someone notify the blood bank and tell them to have O negative on standby. Prep the ORs please and page all available surgical staff, I don't care if they're on call or not. Except Karev and Stevens .

And discharge all the patients you can, people, round on your most critical patients only and leave an intern or resident in charge of your floor , I want all attendings and free staff down in the pit .

It gonna be a long day, people, so buckle up. And did I forget anything? " she asks, returning to her awkward self in the last sentence .

" No. " chorus the staff lined up at the foot of the stairs, staring at her in slight awe .

" Move it , then. " Bailey snaps and everyone goes scurrying in different directions.

He heads over to her and puts an arm round her shoulders, lets her lean into him for a brief second .

" Nervous ? " he offers her a half eaten protein bar and receives an exasperated look, but she takes a bite anyway.

" Can't be. Gotta go. "

" Addie, deep breaths, calm down. This is your first real test, the way you handle a major trauma is - "

" - what will make or break their trust in me. I know, Richard called me already."

" Surgical junkie. He can't stop being here even when he's in the Bahamas. "

She groans " I wish we were in the Bahamas. "

" Me too. " he studies her face. She's entirely too pale, hectic spots of color on her cheekbones, like those dolls his mother keeps putting on mantelpieces - Dresden china, that's it.

The words ring something in his mind, but he can't quite put his finger in it and is distracted by the arrival of Mark, who immediately wishes Addison luck.

" Good luck , Adds . Don't screw up ."

"Thank you, that just makes me feel so much better. And speaking of screw, stay away from C -" she breaks off, looking intently at her pager.

" Lets go people, they're here. Time to do what we do best. " and she disappears towards the ER, leaving him with a lipstick stained protein bar and Mark.

" Who'd you screw who's name starts with C ? Don't tell me you got to Yang ." he chuckles .

" Callie. " he says, looking away .

Is he over the redhead substitution phase ?

" Jesus Mark, she's -"

" Addie's friend. I know, but -"

" I was going to say gay. "

" Not last night " Mark smirks. "Not at all."

Down in the ER it's utter pandemonium, gurneys flying and people screaming and moaning, pain meds being doled out like candy.

He sees that Addison has had the time to change into scrubs and sneakers, and thank god because it's all hands on deck - none of them will be poking their heads out of an OR till tonight.

He and Mark take the most emergent case, a with catastrophic head injuries , but who is miraculously still alive .

The rest of the day blurs into one surgery after another, seeing patients who should have died in the crash come to life under their hands .

The best moment is when Teddy, Owen and Addison throw a Hail Mary and come out on the right side, save a pregnant woman with a torn aorta held together by a paramedic.

The worst is when a little boy dies on his table after he bleeds out moments after he paged for a peds consult and she couldn't come because she was in the middle of someone else's baby.

" Robbins is out and her stupid

replacement sucks. "

Addison seethes at herself as she tears off her scrub cap, unable to stand the whine of the flatlining monitor any longer she slaps the button.

" It's not your fault. " says Teddy awkwardly before he can open his mouth.

" You're Chief and Neonatal and Peds all in one today. You're amazing, Montgomery, but you're not Superwoman. "

Addison stares at the blonde surgeon as she leaves the OR, stripping off the gloves and gown covered in the blood of the one patient who died today.

" What was that? "

" You made it . Your first real test, you made it."

" Too late for him, though. " she says softly, gesturing to the tiny body on the table. "Too late for his parents. "

Later that night they're all standing on the catwalk, weak with exhaustion, but when they see what has the interns so happy, they feel lighter on their feet.

" They're singing. " O' Malley says. " Listen."

And they are, hundreds of people in the rainy dark evening, singing and holding candles.

The relatives who have been waiting all day crowd in behind them, hold each other and cry with relief.

Addie is standing beside him, swaying slightly.

She turns around to her weary hungry staff.

" Thirty six. Thirty six patients today, and all of them survived but one. A job well done, people."

" A job well done. " he whispers , giving her a hug as the staff behind them start to giggle, nervous high pitched laughter , and slowly it spreads, infectious, until they're all but rolling on the floor, laughing like lunatics and even the relatives join in, the stress and fear of that day evaporating in their raucous laughter.

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

Today was the first pill in three months, her first since that day with the budgets.

She tried not to , but the stress of it, the sheer overwhelming responsibility of being the one in charge of all those lives, it got to her and for a vital minute when she should have been out there saving lives she huddled on the floor of a bathroom , breathless and dizzy, her chest painfully tight, craving the relief of the pills, until she finally reached for one.

She needs to be more careful; they're starting to notice.

Callie , Mark, she caught Derek examining her face today , the way he would a patient.

She doesn't have to tell anyone , she rationalises. It's the same thing, surgeons are control freaks, they don't like to admit that what's wrong is themselves.

Like Preston with his tremor, and Richard with his drinking and Miranda refusing to be mommytracked.

It'll go away, it always does , she tells herself , collapsing onto the couch after a shower spent sitting limply under the water until Derek shooed her out.

But it means she can't smooth out today with a glass of Malbec like she would have, so she settles for a cup of chamomile tea and a glass of scotch for Derek ; they're both too tired to eat, forget cook.

He ambles into the room, all bare chested wet haired McDreamyness , and she smiles at him . " Drink? "

" Please. " He exhales, sinking into the couch. " Look at you, granny, drinking tea ."

" Helps me sleep. "

" Since when do you have trouble sleeping ? You fall asleep like a rock when you touch the pillow and then you hog the covers. " he pulls her feet into his lap and massages them, his thumb kneading just that sore spot on her arches that she refuses to admit is caused by her shoe habits.

She squirms in pleasure, lets him rub away the pain. " I only hog the covers because you look so nice naked. "

He smirks " You can admire me some other time. Preferably not in the middle of the night while I'm freezing my ass off. "

" You didn't complain about the nocturnal admiring last night ." she reminds him.

" No." he agrees, tickling her feet a little.

The doorbell rings, and they look beseechingly at each other, until she swings her feet out of Derek's lap and goes to answer it.

 _It's one in the morning who the heck is it?_

" Amy ? "

 ** _Too much? Let me know in the reviews!_** ** _Also it might seem a little filler, but clearly the next will be crazy._**


	23. Chapter 23

**_It's cute that you all are so worried about Addie._** ** _Don't worry , I'm not Shonda so she's safe._** ** _Thanks to all the lovely reviewers._**

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

 _Amy ? "_

He's getting old. That has to be it, he's getting old and he can't handle 20 hour days anymore, he's so tired he's seeing things.

That has to be it , because the sister he hasn't seen in seven years is standing on his doorstep.

" Addie. " whispers his hallucination , and then she pitches forward into his wife's arms.

Addie holds her like she's afraid someone will tear her away, like she'll never see her again.

She's crying, for gods sake , kissing Amelia's hair and rocking back and forth.

He gets up in a daze, takes two steps towards them , remembering the little Amy who used to sneak in his bed at night to demand stories and tag along behind him and Mark and annoy her older sisters to tears and who worshipped Addison from the day she met her.

He remembers the angry sweet screwed up teenager who got high on Vicodin and then Percocet and then finally the Oxy, the sly lying addict who stole his prescription pad and their credit cards and crashed his car and nearly died, the ungrateful wretch who nearly destroyed his mother and his marriage .

He turns around and slams the bedroom door behind him, because that's what he does when the past catches up to him.

 _" Derek wait up ! "_

 _He groans. " No way, Amy. Go home. "_

 _" I don't wanna go home! Kathy and Lizzie are always with their boyfriends and Nancy hates me . "_

 _" She hates everyone. Go home. "_

 _" Aw, let her come. " Mark says, he's always been her indulgent older brother while Derek plays bad cop._

 _" You know what she's like, you have to watch her every second or she just disappears ."_

 _" I'll watch her. " Mark says, taking her little hand ._

 _" You need to talk to Amy. " Addison is saying._

 _" She's seventeen, Addie. It's probably some stupid phase. "_

 _" I don't think so. "_

 _" You're telling me my little sister is a drug addict ? You're one to talk, you and Archer drink like fish, I don't say you're alcoholics , do I ? "_

 _" Dr. Shepherd, your prescription pad was found in your sisters pocket and the drugs were charged to your wife's card, she was driving your car. You need to answer some questions. "_

 _" Derek please. She needs you. "_

 _" She doesn't need me to drop her off at rehab. It's not her first day of kindergarten." he watches as Mark and Addison drive off without him._

It's better not to remember.

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She cradles Amy against her chest, hardly daring to breathe. She's always been Archer's baby sister, the one to be taken care of, the one who tagged along.

She always wanted a little sister of her own and Amy was her dream come true, a readymade sibling who adored her and for some reason thought she walked on water.

" Addie I missed you, I'm sorry to turn up here like this but I missed you so much and you're the only one I could. ... the only one I could come to, Addie _p_ _lease ,_ please don't make me leave. "

" Shh. No one's making you leave sweetie, you can stay as long as you want. God, I've missed you. " she crushes Amelia's tiny frame against hers.

She's always been a tiny thing, even more out of place among the tall Shepherds, marked as one of them only by her dark hair and those eyes, so like Derek's eyes.

" He won't even look at me. " she sobs.

 _Always so emotional ._

" He'll come around. You know how he is. ..."

" Like me. " Amy whispers, clutching a handful of Addison's sweater in her hand.

" He's like me. He's an ass. "

She deposits Amy on the couch and gets her a glass of wine, remembering too well a drunk fifteen year old Amy begging her to let her stay the night at her apartment and not tell Derek or her mother because they'd kill her , the progression to drugs , the overdose, thinks better of it and gets her a mug of tea instead.

" I need you to help me, Addie. You can't say no . "

" Whatever you need , baby."

She slips into the bedroom, having settled Amy down in the other one, to find Derek sitting on the bed staring at the wall.

" How is she? " he demands.

" See for yourself. "

" I can't. I can't talk to her right now, I need to get my head straight first. "

" She's scared and confused, Derek, but she's trying. She's trying so hard to turn her life around and she's done it, you'd be so proud of her - "

" _Proud_ , Addison ? This is the girl who stole from you for years to fund her _drug addiction_ and you just hug her and you're _proud_ of her? "

"She's come a long way since then."

" Don't you remember what happened the last time we saw her? "

" The last time _you_ saw her. "

" You've been in touch with her all these years? "

" Someone had to be. "

" Are you insane? She has no self control, she is selfish, she is immature, she is an addict, we've just got our lives back on track and you want to let her in ? The last time - "

" The last time we were all in the same room at the same time you backhanded me across the face, believe me , I remember. But she needs us now. " she pretends not to see the way he flinches guiltily when she says this.

" You're blind when it comes to her. "

" I love her, she's like my little sister, Derek, even she's a recovering addict. Admit it - you've missed her too. "

He takes a deep breath, takes her hand in his for reassurance.

" I missed her . I love her so much it scares me, because she's. ... She's Amy. I'll love her and trust her and she'll turn around and destroy everything like she always does , and I can't have her breaking what's between us , not this time. We've fought too hard for this to give it up. "

" She's not little lost Amy anymore. "

" What do you mean? "

" She's a freaking neurosurgeon, Derek. You Shepherds grow them in the backyard apparently - "

But he's gone already, vaulting off the bed , and she hears the other bedrobedroom door being wrenched open and then slam.

She smirks to herself.

 _I'm always right, Derek Shepherd._

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

She's sitting on the bed, knees tucked to her chest, in Addie's robe, as tiny as she was when he last saw her.

" Hello, brother. "

" Amy. " his voice cracks.

" Get in and shut the door. It's freezing in this place. What's wrong with Addie, why hasn't she cranked up the heating already, she always liked to be boiling hot , didn't she - "

" I'm sorry. "

" You are, you know that ? Sorry. You're a sorry, sorry excuse for a human being. I know what happened with Addie and the intern. "

" How - "

" I met Archer at a conference last month. "

" You believe everything _Archer_ told you ?"

" I had to because _you_ wouldn't speak to me."

He's silent, because what can he say to _that_ , and then she launches herself off the bed at him and flings skinny arms around his neck, hugs the breath out of him and before he knows it he hugs her back, kisses the top of her dark head and wishes he could take back the last seven years.

She lets go quickly - she never was as touchy feely as the older girls - and retreats back onto the bed.

" Why are you here ? "

" I needed Addie. And you. I wasn't going to come back until I had made something of my life, but I suppose this will have to do for now... I worked with Ginsberg you know ."

" No way. " he teases, but he knows it's true, she's always been a bright inquisitive little pest .

" Why do you need Addison all of a sudden? " he asks, dreading the answer.

" Work it out, Uncle Derek. " Amy laughs bitterly.

" Im keeping it .I haven't told her yet but you shut up, I want to do it, see her all excited about being Auntie Addie again... "

Before he lets the horror of the fact that his baby junkie sister is having a baby sink in, Addison slips into the room holding up a tray of hot chocolate.

"Juju ." she says happily. " Good juju, because Amy's back."

Silently he wills Amy to shut the hell up , curses God because Addison who has wanted a child for a decade can't have one and here is his sister who has so little regard for her body, pregnant and with nowhere and no one to go to.

Addison slides under the covers on Amy's other side, passes the cups of hot chocolate.

It's one of the few things she knows how to make, an old au pairs recipe , he remembers absently.

" This is nice. " Amy says, snuggling close to Addison, who slings an arm around her shoulder and smiles .

" My favourite brother and my bestest sister."

" Do _not_ let Nance and Liz and Kathy hear that ." Addie laughs.

" They've only just forgiven me for what happened in New York... but Archer told you everything anyway, so let's skip that.

 _You_ talk. I wanna know everything. "

And then it comes , the moment of truth.

" Actually... I'm pregnant. I know, I know, it's stupid, I'm not in a relationship or anything, but I'm keeping it..."

And he barely hears the rest of Amy's chatter because he can see the exact moment Addison's barely healed heart breaks again, the exact moment when she retreats into herself and stops hearing.

The appointment from three months ago that he dragged her to after he found out the drugs were harming her, the fertility specialists mouth moving and no sound coming out, no sound that they could hear anyway.

" _I'm so sorry Dr. Montgomery, but there's very little potential here, even with the drugs. ..."_

 _Words like " other options " and " not the only way " floating around, Addison silent and broken for a week before she put on her Forbes Montgomery face and stuffed it in._

 _Like the last time._

He woke up to her crying in her sleep just the other night, whispering something like _that was my last chance I shouldn't have listened._

He'd held her until she stopped and then hid in the shower for ten minutes until his eyes stopped burning.

Addie leaves with a promise to check her and the baby out tomorrow at the hospital , he follows her, bracing for the worst.

" Addie - "

" I'm okay Derek. " she whispers, barely meeting his eyes.

" She doesn't know about any of it. The miscarriage, the ... other thing . She only knows about Mark and Meredith. "

" I know. I hate myself for feeling this way, for feeling _jealous_. I'm jealous , Derek, of the person I loved like my little sister, doesn't that tell you I'm not fit to be having kids anyway ? ".

And she disappears under the fluffy duvet, and he can hear her say _it was my last chance_ , but clearly he wasn't supposed to, so he just gets in bed and lets her curl into his side, strokes the bright red hair and asks a God he doesn't believe in why she has to go through this.

He's woken an hour later by her body wracked by coughs, gasping for breath.

He sits up quickly and flicks on the light, reaches for a glass of water to hand her, but he realises that's not going to help, because she's not coughing, this is different , paroxysmal gasps tear through her as she clutches her chest and she's deathly pale with those spots of color he'd noticed this morning.

" Addie, what is it? " he pulls her up to sit at the edge of the bed , dangles her legs over the edge and puts her head between her knees.

It helps , she breathes easier almost immediately and some color floods back to her face.

" Stressed. " she mumbles into her hair, which is hanging in her face.

He helps her sit back up, doesn't notice the pill she dry swallows.

 _She's a world class surgeon, she'd know if something were wrong. Right ?_

 _It's probably just the stress of this day, Amy and the hospital and everything else just piling up into one big panic attack._

She's had them before, back in New York, in those early days after the miscarriage.

He used to hold her through them, until she started pushing him away and he let her.

He realises with shame that he has no idea if they ever stopped.

" You need to calm down. It's all going to be okay. " he says, but he's not sure if he's convincing her or himself.

 ** _I'm an Addek sap so babies are inevitable, but this came out of my head because I couldn't believe ... but if I told you that, I'd ruin the story, so I won't._**

 ** _Also to any medical types out here - I've listed a lot of symptoms by now... I know it's not the most classic presentation but it'll be obvious in a while._**

 ** _Whoever has guesses, pm me !_**

 ** _Please keep reading and reviewing !_**


	24. Chapter 24

**_Hey guys, sorry for not updating when I usually do. Exams happened._** ** _Thank you to all the amazing reviewers!_** ** _This may seem unnecessarily cruel but it will all work out in the end._** ** _Enjoy!_**

 ** _MEREDITH'S POV_**

She can't help it. She's not stalking them, not really.

It's just that they're _everywhere._ The Shepherds.

And now there's one more, a sister, maybe the youngest one.

She realises with a jolt that she doesn't know all their names or even where they live .

 _And I thought he loved me._

Yup. She's definitely a sister, this one, dark haired and blue eyed but oddly small and compact, looking like a teenager playing at being a grown up as she swaggers into the lobby ahead of Addison and Derek.

She looks away when she sees Derek slip an aarm around his wife's waist and say something in a low concerned voice, a private conversation that is somehow more hurtful than open intimacy.

Addison looks pale. Tired. Maybe being Chief is getting to her.

Addison brushes him off with a smile and turns to the sister, who is spinning slowly in a circle, looking around her.

" You're Chief of all this ? Impressive, Addie. Even cooler cause you beat off my brother and Mark to do it." she grins, clapping her on the shoulder.

" _Amy ? "_. Mark, bellowing from somewhere out of sight.

" Hey, Loser. " she flings her arms around Mark and being lifted clear off her feet when he emerges from a corridor, giggling as he sets her on the ground.

 _Why do they all call him Loser?_

"You grew up. " Mark marvels, holding her out at arms length.

" And you two got old. " Amy laughs, pointing at her brother and Mark. "Not Addie, she's still hot. "

This brings splutters of indignation from the two men and causes Addison to flush slightly.

She must have noticed the avidly staring doctors and nurses , because she shushes in embarrassment and ushers the girl named Amy into her office and shuts the door firmly, shaking her head and laughing as Derek runs his hands through his hair in frustration.

" How could I have forgotten what a handful she is ?" he's chuckling as the three of them walk towards the main desk.

She can't break and run now, she'd look like some sort of fugitive.

So she stays. Because it would look weird to run away now.

Not because she wants to spy on them.

" I always said she was the most fun Shepherd. " Mark is saying.

" She's not _your_ sister, you got to have just the fun and escape all the tears and tantrums and general screwed - upness that is Amelia Shepherd. " Derek informs him .

" If you had , you wouldn't spoil her the way you do. ... right Addie? "

But Addison is in her own bubble, twirling a lock of glossy red hair around her finger as she stares at nothing.

 _If you don't want him give him back._

"Hey Red. Wake up. " Mark snaps his fingers in front of her face.

" You skip the caffeine this morning ? You look exhausted. Hot, if you listen to Amy, but exhausted. "

" Uh... yeah. No time . " she scoops up an armload of files and hurries into her office, leaving Derek to stare after her .

" She's been weird lately. " he tells Mark.

 _I didn't know boys did the bitching- to -your- best -friend thing too._

" She's Addison. When is she not weird ? " Mark says, unconcerned.

" No, not like _usual_ weird. Different. She ...she had a panic attack last night, at least that what she says it was . "

 _Who would have thought - the Wicked Witch of the West, having panic attacks ?_

Mark drops his pen and faces Derek " Panic attacks? Again? Like after the ..."

" Yeah. Wait - you knew? "

" I put two and two together, Derek. Long nights at the hospital meant she couldn't hide them, not from me, and they started right after she ... you know, in the OR. And Nancy was around a lot. "

" You're a good friend , you know that right ? " Derek says, seriously and not mocking for once .

Mark stares at him a long moment. " Watch her , Derek. You know how she gets , won't tell anyone anything until she snaps and we have to put her in a straitjacket or something. "

" She won't let me. She accused me of hovering ."

" Hover ... subtly, idiot. "

They bicker quietly about whether Derek is a hoverer or not until they're distracted by the arrival of Izzie and Alex, the latter carrying a baby seat thingy.

" Welcome back, Stevens. Karev ." There's a round of hugging and back slapping, people asking about Izzie, cooing at Ruby in her carrier.

She doesn't join in - Ruby has already kept her up half the night screaming and she _knows_ Izzie's fine.

Addison looks up and spots them through the glass wall of her office and gestures to the Amy girl to stay put as she almost runs towards them in those heels .

" Stevens, welcome back. You too, Karev. " she hugs Izzie tightly, sort of pats Alex on the shoulder, then scoops Ruby out of her carrier and gives her a kiss.

" How's my goddaughter? "

 _What ?_

" Healthy as a horse. She's got the lungs of one too. " Alex says, bleary eyed from lack of sleep.

" Seriously. I'm worried they'll kick her out of daycare. ... and we're both on call tonight and Mer and George are on call too and Cristina. ... well, she doesn't really _do_ babysitting, so better behave, missy. " Izzie tickles her daughter under the chin.

Addison looks at Derek , who shrugs .

" You know, Izzie, you did ask me to be her godmother, so... if you need, we could - "

"- take her at night. If you need ." Derek finishes hurriedly, and the way he looks at Addison holding the baby is almost too much to bear, wistful and longing.

Izzie and Alex gape at each other and then at Addison.

" You don't have to, or anything, ..." Alex begins.

" Shut up Karev. I'm her godmother. I can babysit if I want to. "

" Oh my _god. "_ Izzie hugs her mentor in excitement.

" I'm glad I don't hate you. "

" Me too , Stevens. Now get off me and get to work."

" Oh . Oh , yeah , you're Chief now . I can't hug the Chief, that's weird. " Izzie mumbles as she heads for the daycare center with Alex in tow.

She turns around, finally done with her fake charting , and heads for the locker room to pick up today's slip of paper.

" Dr. Grey. "

 _Really?_ _Very funny, God. Very funny._

" You're with me today. Set up for a blood draw and an ultrasound, would you ? "

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

" Okay, let's do this ." she says to Amy, who is lounging in her swivel chair and spinning dizzily.

" Amy. Come on. "

" Oh. We're doing this...now ?"

" When exactly did you have in mind , then ?"

" Uh... right now is fine, actually. Not like _I'm_ a busy busy Chief. "

" I understand you feel like you're all alone , but Amelia you're six months along from what you told me yesterday, and - "

" Stop. Don't be my doctor, okay, I need you to be Addie for me, not Dr. Montgomery .Please. "

 _She's scared._

She stops the wildly spinning chair and pulls a dizzy Amy into a hug. " Well, can Addie do your ultrasound now? "

In the exam room she hands Amy the gown, leads her through the steps even though of course she knows what to do .

Meredith is standing in the corner, a bemused expression on her face.

Addison clears her throat. " Dr. Grey, this is Amelia. Derek's sister. "

 _We can be friends._

" Oh. Hello, Amelia. "

" It's Dr. Shepherd, actually. And you can wait outside, she doesn't need your help. "

" _Amy. "_ she says, feeling old and fussy as she reprimands her.

" What? That was her , right, Derek's little blonde midlife crisis ? "

" You can't be rude to her just because -"

" She screwed my jerk of a brother and ruined your marriage, Addie, you don't have to pretend to like her. Not in front of me. I know you, remember? "

 _You certainly do ._

" Well. .. I do hate her. A little, I mean, because she's smart and kind of sweet and funny, and she didn't really know he was married ... so I don't hate her much. And she's _trying_ , you know , to ... I don't know , be a better person or something and let it go.

And Derek's let it go, too, so there's nothing to worry about. "

" Yeah, but have _you_ let it go ? " Amelia snorts, changing into her gown.

" I have, okay, I'm not... insecure , or anything, so stop nosing ! You're starting to be like Nan - "

" _Do_ not complete that sentence. " Amy laughs, reappearing in the flimsy white gown.

" Whoa. This is really happening then. I'm having a baby. "

" You're having a baby. " she says, hoping Amy hears only her joy and not the bubbling jealousy she keeps swallowing.

She tightens the rubber band around Amy's scrawny arm, tries to ignore the sievelike veins as she taps for a good one.

 _She's not that person anymore. Some winds take time to heal._

" Do you mind me asking -"

" Addie you're the one who showed me where to stick a tampon and got me my first birth control. You can ask anything. "

She laughs, remembering that day. " Well, I was going to ask you why you ... noticed so late. "

Amy takes a deep breath, looks away from her. " I was in rehab. I was ... in withdrawal, it was horrible, worse than the first time round but I was stronger, I think, because it's what Ryan would've wanted. "

" Ryan is the - "

" Father? Yeah. He would have been a good daddy. " she whispers, and she's crying , so she gently sets aside the tubes of blood and pulls her close.

" Does he know? About the baby? " she asks, sensing something amiss.

" He's dead. " Amy says flatly and then bursts into tears.

 _Oh Amy. Poor baby._

" You can do this, Amy. You'll be a great mom."

" No I won't Addie, I'll be awful. _You_ would be a great mom, I should know, you're like my second one ... _you_ should be the one who's pregnant ."

She must have caught the look on her face, and she stops short.

" Oh god. I'm so sorry, it just slipped out... I know how hard you tried and here I am , knocked up and fresh outta rehab, no baby daddy and no idea what to do with a kid, asking you for help. You must hate me."

" _Hate_ you ? God no, Amy , you're going to make me an aunt. I don't hate you, I'm happy for you. "

" Jesus. Saint Addison. " Amelia mutters, shrugging out of her arms and wiping her eyes. " I wanna ask you something. But Derek has to be here first. "

" He's coming, just had a patient he needed to see .

Don't ask him for a car , whatever you do. " she jokes, trying to lighten it up a little.

" A Mustang, that'll set him off ." Amy giggles.

Derek makes an entry at that point, looks suspiciously at both of them laughing.

" Are you laughing at me? "

" No, why would we? " she says unconvincingly, then breaks into laughter again at the sight of his face.

He rolls his eyes at the two of them." Come on, let's get on with this. "

He's trying to be calm about this, the fact that his baby sister is pregnant and she knows he's burning to ask who the father is so he can go give him a piece of his mind, but she doesn't bring up the topic again, she doesn't want to ruin Amy's mood.

She should be happy, she's about to see the little miracle who'll be here in three months.

Derek sits on a stool beside the bed while she flicks on the machine and squirts gel on the probe.

" Wait. " Amy stops her hand.

" What? "

" The thing I was gonna ask you. ... this might seem a little weird and a _lot_ to ask and you might want to kill me... But I'm saying now so I might as well say it all , so here goes - I want you to raise my baby. "

There's silence, the kind that makes your ears ring.

Amy breaks it, true to character . " I mean, look at me. I haven't finished my fellowship, I have no house, I have no job , no income, no daddy for the baby and I'm not exactly perfect mommy material.

But you guys are perfect. And you've tried , I know how hard you've tried.

Addie , you would be the mom every kid wants. And Derek, you're great with kids, you practically raised me along with Mom.

We could do this however you want to - you could be mommy and daddy or uncleuncle and auntie, I could be. ... Aunt Amy or I could be mom.

But the one thing I'm sure of in my very screwed up life is that _you_ are the ones is want to raise my child, you'd give it the perfect life , and I might or I might not be in it, but it would be the best for the baby. "

Derek squeezes Amy's hand, meets her gaze across the barely rounded belly.

They have a silent conversation , the marital ESP that Mark is always accusing them of.

 _" Is she doing this cause she's scared? "_

 _" Maybe ."_

 _" Think of it Addie. "_

And she does, a baby with Amy's and Derek's blue eyes and perfect hair, half Shepherd and no Montgomery but she would love it anyway , how could she not ?

" Amy, this isn't a decision you should be making right now , on the spot .Take some time, think. You might feel differently, in a few years, when you're more settled and then you'll go crazy, wondering about _ifs ._ " she tells her, stroking her hair soothingly.

" _No._ I made this decision when I found out I was having this baby, and no, I wasn't drunk or high at the time. And it was a hard one and it _hurt_ , like losing James all over again, but this is what he'd want for our baby.

Parents who are steady and sensible and dependable . I would love my baby like crazy but that's not enough, it's not, and you'd live it just the same and give it everything I can't.

And I'd rather be able to watch him or get grow up , and I could, if you said yes, instead of some stranger couple raising my baby I want you. I want everything for my baby that you gave me growing up. "

" Amy it's still a huge thing we're deciding here. It's not that we don't want to - "

" We're honored that you even asked. " she puts in.

Derek bobs in agreement. " But we should discuss this calmly at home. Right now, lets get that ultrasound and see how the baby's doing. "

" Stop. That's exactly why I blurted this our right now . I can't do this , I can't look at that little screen, because it'll tell me it's real, a real living human and it's _mine_ , my responsibility. _Mine._ So I need to know _now_ before I see that , because then I'll stop being rational and I will fall in love and I won't do what I know and you know is better for this baby.

It's a lot to ask but ... yes or no, please. Just say it."

 _Her heart is soaring, bursting, everything they've wanted for years is here for them to reach out and grab, it would be perfect._ _The baby would have everything, Amy could get on with her life knowing her cold was happy and they would have their dreams, all in one fell swoop._

Derek looks into her eyes once more for confirmation.

" Yes." he says , his voice choked with tears and emotion , crushes a sobbing Amy against his chest.

She hovers by the bed, dabbing fruitlessly at her eyes, until Amy reaches out and pulls her into the hug, Derek wrapping an arm around her back.

" Thank you. " she manages. " So much. "

" Lets see this baby already. " Amy says with a watery grin. " It's been too long already. "

" Wait. "

" Why? "

" Amy, based on what you told me, you are about six months right now.

But you're small for six months, the fetal weight is low. And from what you're saying, the baby doesn't move much ?"

" N-no. I thought this was all - normal. I'm the littlest sister, I've never seen this stuff up close and no offence but I barely made it through my OB rotations in med school and internship - I don't really go for squishy and pink. "

" Ok. We'll just check you out wth an ultrasound right now, and we'll go from there, okay? "

" You're the best, woman, whatever you say. "

 _We're about to see our baby. I never imagined it like this, but it's fine. We'll love it just the same._

She picks up the probe, angles the screen so that Derek and Amy can both see it too.

She moves the probe expertly over her belly , her heart falling , spiralling, Amy's energetic chatter echoing incongruously in her ears.

She tries to turn the screen away but of course Derek notices.

" Honey what is it? "

And then Amy catches sight of the screen and it doesn't matter that she struggled through her OB GYN rotation, because what's on the screen is glaringly screamingly devastatingly obvious.

Before either if them can open their suddenly dry mouths, Amy starts to laugh, a high hollow slightly crazy sound with the joy sucked out of it, dead and emotionless.

" I'm a neurosurgeon. I'm a goddamn neurosurgeon, and my baby has no brain. No brain. I would say God has a sense of humor, but there _is no God_. "

Meredith pokes her head in the room. " You guys need anything ? "

She leaves pretty quickly when Amy starts to scream.

 ** _Sorry again for the delay in updating._** ** _As always, please review !_**


	25. Chapter 25

**_Thanks as always to the amazing reviewers!_** ** _Enjoy!_**

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

 _Bye , baby._

She turns off the monitor . Amy is in her brother's lap, sobs shaking her body.

Derek looks like he did when she lost their first one, he way he looked after she woke up in that hospital bed remembering nothing after the OR going suddenly dark and the pain in her belly.

She doesn't know what she feels like, but she's used to this, the feeling after hope comes crashing down, the dark low after the bright soaring high.

Derek wasn't there when she lost the second one, doesn't know why. He never will, because she won't tell him.

She reaches for Amelia, tries to soothe her but she knows it's pointless, that nothing and no one can ever make this kind of pain go away.

She knows that.

Her pager goes off then, reality calling back, and she lingers for a moment, unsure what to do.

" I'll take her home. " Derek says, rocking her gently . " You go, I'll take her home. "

And she does , because there's nothing she can say or do to fix this baby, because she knows she can't do anything for Amy's pain.

Teddy is paging her, like she told her to. She wasn't exactly the first choice, but she's all she could think of at the moment and she's not a half bad surgeon.

" Dr. Altman? "

" Dr. Montgomery. You called me last night - what's this about y -"

She silences the other woman with a look at Yang, who is loitering in the corner of the exam room looking highly interested and trying to hide it.

" Dr. Yang, go check on my valve replacement. "

" I checked on him three minutes ago - "

" _Go."_

Yang goes, looking murderous.

" She's driving me crazy, that one. " Altman sighs.

" She tends to do that. The new batch of interns are just the same too ."

" Yang keeps ditching her interns, so I haven't actually met any yet. "

" Did you know one of them is Meredith Grey's half sister? Alexandra. ... Lexie, that's what they call her. Weird. "

She catches the look in Teddy's eyes. They're not friends, but she dated Mark, came to their house a few times, so she raises an eyebrow .

" Mark. " Teddy says by way of explanation.

" Oh my god. He's with that little girl? That's why he won't say where he's been lately... they're together? "

" No they're not. ... he just likes her. Really likes her. He's going to ask her out. He likes her. Not a fling . Not like me ."

" Oh. Don't feel bad about Mark, that's just how he is. Flings are his MO. He'll get over her too ... ugh, she's - what, twelve years old ? "

Teddy laughs too, but they're beating around the bush, avoiding what they both know they're here to discuss.

" Sooo... I've read your files from your doctor in New York, and Addison I don't _know_ you that well and until recently I kind of hated you - but as your doctor , I have to tell that what you're doing is dangerous. "

" What am I doing? "

" You know as well as I do the additional stress you're putting on your heart could cause you to - "

" I _know,_ okay. I feel fine. Just give me the echo so I know I'm right. It's a followup, I'm supposed to get one every six months. "

" Six months? The last one in here's from a year ago . "

" I forgot to get the last one. Things were. ...messy. "

" With you and Derek, you mean? That's exactly what I'm talking about, after what happened with you, you haven't taken the time to heal. You've been constantly stressed, working way too hard, and you don't let up. "

" Why do you hate me? "

" Did. Past tense. Don't change the subject, _talk_ to me."

" I can't talk to you if I think you hate me. "

" Oh all right, it's so stupid really ... Mark and I , we were never exclusive. I caught him in bed with some other girl once but that didn't hurt at all. What hurt was when we were in bed and he was really exhausted and you know what he says , while he's having sex with me, he says _I love you Addie._

I'm assuming you're Addie, and I don't care , I'm not. . . . in love with Mark or anything but you hurt him, you really did. You hurt him when you used him to get over your husband and when you dumped him to go back to your husband and then you called him when you husband didn't want you and he moved here for _you_ , and then you dumped him _again_ to play at couples with Derek Shepherd.

That's why I hated you at first, but then I got to know you and I realised you are more than Derek, more than Mark, you're a brilliant surgeon.

So now I don't hate you. Talk to me now. "

" Oh."

" Addison, you're out of subjects to distract me with. "

" I stopped the fertility drugs !"

" That really doesn't matter anymore. "

" Of course it does, I stopped the drugs but I'm still having pain sometimes, when ... I'm stressed with the hospital and stuff, or personal stuff, last night I had PND and it was bad, like when it first happened.

So give me the echo and tell me what else I need to do to get this to stop, because I have a family emergency and I have like five minutes for this ."

Teddy stares at her, incredulous. " You don't know. You really don't know yet. "

" Know _what_ for gods sake? "

" The full blood work up you ordered on yourself yesterday as Jane Doe, under my forged signature ? I picked up the results this morning along with all my other patients' and guess what's got me so worried ? "

It dawns on her slowly, joy and fear in equal measures creeping up inside her.

" _Congratulations_ , Addison, you're pregnant ."

She leaves the exam room in a daze, her legs carrying her automatically.

Teddy's warnings about what happened the first and the second time around are ringing in her ears, but she's ignoring them for now. For today.

For today she just wants to be happy and savor this moment, until she has to tell Derek what really happened in New York, until she breaks his trust again.

 _It was the right thing to do, at the time. It was the right thing ._

She finds herself outside her office door, she can see Derek by her desk.

She imagines the look on his face when she tells him, a frisson running up her spine.

She smiles in spite of herself , but wipes it off her face when she sees Amy huddled on the couch.

She'll tell him later, when Amy's not so broken. It wouldn't be right to tell him now.

" I want to have it now. " Amy is looking up at her with eyes dark with grief.

" What? "

" The baby, I want to have it now. I can't do this, I can't carry it to term knowing he's going to die , that I'll never get to feed him a nd play with him and take him to school and ... I just want it to be over. Please Addie. "

" Amy, you're grieving, you're not thinking straight - "

" I _AM_."

She reels slightly under the force of her words. Derek reaches out and puts a hand on her shoulder.

" Do it, Addie, it's what she wants. "

" Derek , I can't induce her early if there is no medical reason to do so. It's. ... it's like a late term abortion, Derek, I can't. "

" You _can't_? Don't go anti - abortion on me now, Addison, you had no problems with this when it was _you_ in her shoes. "

 _Breathe. He has no idea. You never told him ._

 _He's not saying this to hurt you._

" This is different. "

" How the hell does it matter, Addie, please ; my baby is going to die no matter when he's born, because he has _no brain_.

Don't make me carry this baby for three more months because I know I did this to him, I killed my baby, and I _cannot_ spend three months waiting to hold him while he dies.

I want it to be over. Please. "

" You do this for fetal deaths don't you? You induce the mother so she doesn't have to carry a dead fetus, why not now? " Derek demands, his voice rough.

" Because the _baby_ is not dead ! He has a heartbeat and a brainstem, he can live up to two days after the birth, I can't condone cutting his life short by three months by delivering him early. "

" You _condoned_ it all right when _you_ couldn't make up your mind, Addison, don't preach what you've never practised. " he says to her, low enough so Amy doesn't hear.

" I want this. I'm a doctor, Addie, I don't care if you do it or not. I'll find a way. But I'd like you to do it. " Amy says , her voice flat and emotionless.

" Addison, don't try to right your wrongs by torturing her, goddamn it. "

She throws up her hands in defeat. " Fine. Whenever you're ready. I'll be there. "

 ** _IZZIE'S POV_**

First the Shepherd sister threw Meredith out of her room before Addison did an ultrasound on her, so that must mean she's pregnant.

 _God, that must be hard on Addison ._

Then Altman threw Cristina out of the exam room when Addison walked in, and Cristina saw her reading a Jane Doe chart earlier.

 _Is Addison sick ? And why would she need the Cardio Goddess?_

And now Addison has requested her on her service and is making her set up a room in labor and delivery for an inducement .

But they don't have any patients with dead fetuses, so who is she inducing?

She gets her answers when Addison herself comes around the corner , suspiciously red eyed and quiet.

" Everything set up, Stevens? "

" Just like you wanted it. Except I can't find a chart, who's the patient? "

" I have the chart. It's okay, Izzie, thanks for your help. "

" You're doing the delivery yourself ? "

" I can , Izzie. "

" Obviously, but you should have someone, just in case. And I know its probably Dr. Shepherd's sister because Mer told us about her earlier and now you're all cagey and you look like you've been crying and Merediths your intern today but that would just be _super_ awkward, so... I'll swap with her, be on standby for you.

You don't have to tell me anything more than this, I'll just wait . Just in case. "

" Thank you, Izzie. " the usually steely surgeon looks precariously close to tears, so she ushers her into an empty stairwell, knowing she refuses to cry in public.

" Let it out. "

And she does, sliding down the wall and burying her head in her hands, her slim shoulders shaking with sobs.

" How did I end up like this? " she whispers, but Izzie has no idea what she's talking about.

" You mean how'd you end up gorgeous and a world class surgeon married to the love of your life? I dunno, guess some people just have all the luck. "

That makes her laugh weakly, and she sits up.

" Ugh. Look at me, bawling in stairwells. Must ne the hormones. "

Her breath catches in her throat; she's not sure she understands her correctly but she's pretty sure she just heard the word _hormones_.

And she does look glowier than usual.

" Uh... are congratulations in order? "

" What? Oh, oh my god, that just slipped out didn't it ?

Don't tell, please, not anyone. I haven't told Derek yet... I can't tell him now, not when Amy's like this, but he's going to be so _happy_. "

" Congratulations! " she squeals, giving her mentor an inappropriate exuberant hug. "You're going to make the world's most beautiful baby, I can imagine it. How far along are you? "

" About two months I guess... I haven't done the ultrasound yet. I wanted Derek to be there. "

" He'll be there. If Alex can show up, so can he. "

Addison gives her a watery smile. " Come on, let's get this over with. Waiting isn't going to make it any better. "

And twelve long, emotionally exhausting hours later, she finds herself gently prying a still blue bundle from Addison's shaking arms, walking away as she listens to Amelia sob behind her .

 ** _Baby Shepherd, three pounds four ounces, born at twelve thirty seven pm on a Friday, died six forty eight am on Saturday._**

She watches Addison write _anencephaly and gross birth defects incompatible with life_ on the death certificate before the ink has dried on the birth certificate.

She watches Addison sedate Amelia because she is inconsolable, watches them and counts her lucky stars for Ruby as a nurse carries the tiny body to the morgue.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

They take Amy home with them that night, tuck her into bed in the spare room.

She hasn't said a word since six forty eight am yesterday.

Addison threw herself into meetings and two surgeries; he drowned at Joe's.

And now they're sitting on their bed, Addie so close he can feel her warmth but so far he's afraid to reach out and touch her.

" Addie. Talk to me. "

" Hmm ? "

" I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday, I'm sorry I brought up everything we agreed to forget.

But don't ... shut me out. Talk to me. You're scaring me, you've been ... lost , these days.

And you're having panic attacks again. "

" They're not panic attacks. "

He spins her around to face him. " _What_ is it , then ? You look different, you're tired all time, you're breathless at night, you don't drink. _What is it? "_

" Stop worrying. Now is not the time. This should be about Amy right now. "

She slides under the duvet until all he can see is the top of head.

 _This isn't going to work._

He wraps an arm around her. " Is there something you want to tell me? Because Yang saw you meet Teddy yesterday - and there was a Jane Doe file - and you're not having panic attacks - so tell me , Addie, because clearly you're hiding something. "

Nothing.

" For gods sake, you met a cardio thoracic surgeon, Addison, _why ?_ Are you - sick , is someone you know sick and you're doing them a favour ... if you're sick I have to know. It's my _right_ to know, so don't ... don't be like Bizzy, and spill, or I'll call your brother ."

" You wouldn't call Archie. "

" Addison Forbes Montgomery - Shepherd, I love you . If calling your brother is what it takes, then god help me, I will. "

She sits up and runs her fingers through her hair.

" Out with it. "

She takes a deep breath and turns to him , eyes shining. " I wasn't going to tell you right away, I wanted to wait, make sure ... that it's not like last time, or the one before that.

I wanted to tell you , but with Amy and everything, it just wasn't the best time , I wanted time to grieve and so did you, and I can't say this in front of her right now - "

Rambling nonsensical Addison, who only makes an appearance in times of extreme stress or excitement.

He's not entirely sure what this is.

"- Honey, you were going to tell me what's happening to you. " he prompts.

" I'm pregnant. "

 ** _Revelations and realisations in the next chapter._** ** _I just had to bring in Lex, I love her._** ** _Please review with suggestions and requests !_**


	26. Chapter 26 pt 1

**_So sorry for not updating, exams happened._** ** _And this is short, forgive me, but I didn't want to leave you all hanging ._** ** _Stay with me !_**

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

 _" I'm_ _pregnant. "_

He feels numb , buzzing from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. His ears feel blocked, Addie's voice a soft rushing sound.

 ** _FOUR YEARS AGO_**

 _" I'm pregnant. "_

 _" Wha- When ? How many months. ...- Addie, that's amazing! "_

 _Breathlessly spinning around in a circle, kissing cheeks salty with tears , one hand on her flat stomach, imagining what their child would look like ._

 _" Four weeks, maybe - Derek, don't tell anyone yet. "_

 _" Why ? "_

 _" Not yet... we should probably wait. To be sure. "_

 _Scoffing at her fears - what could possibly go wrong? - but agreeing anyway, thinking that the hormones must be making her more neurotic than usual._

 _Seven weeks of walking on air and counting the days until they could tell everyone._

 _A crib and decorating the nursery, optimism to chase away the lingering fear of losing everything._

 _Losing their hopes and dreams and a part of their marriage in the place they both felt safest , the strongest most stubborn woman he'd ever known crumbling under her grief, then stuffing it all in until she could explode ._

 _Mark and Meredith, New York and Seattle, losing her and getting her back, hopes rising but dashed again, failed fertility drugs and coveted jobs, ... and now this ._

 _Can she take it if something goes wrong ?_

He doesn't dare to hope, because the highest the hopes the longer he has to fall, but how can he not, when she looks like that.

Like the happy is lighting her up from the inside, her skin glowing and her eyes incandescent, the dark circles under them the only remnants of the tired Addison of these last few weeks.

So he crushes her into a hug, burying himself in the scent of her, lets himself hope.

" We're having a baby. "

" We're having a baby. " she says back, wondrous.

" We're going to be a family. " he says, losing himself in the dream.

" A family. I've never really had one - except for yours. And Archer. And Mark. "

He pulls her close and she curls against him, tucking her head under his chin and tangling her legs with his.

He drifts a hand down to her belly, imagining their tiny miracle in there.

" It'll be a girl. " he says. " And she'll like fishing and softball and camping, and she'll be a surgeon when she grows up, it's practically in her genes. And she'll look just like you, so I'll need to beat off the boys, because she's not dating till she's thirty - "

" Derek. Stop. "

" Okay, okay, she'll like shopping and shoes and ... lipstick. But she'll be an outdoors kid, you can come camping with us if you want - "

" _Derek. "_

" What? "

" Stop. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. Insanely, wildly, happy.

But I ... I can't do this, I can't ... _imagine_ , and plan , and pick out baby names, because if I screw this up again, if I lose this baby , it's better to be... unattached. "

" Addie, sweetie, it's not happening again. I won't let it. We'll have this baby , you'll see, you'll be an amazing mother and I'll figure out the dad thing.

It's going to be perfect, so don't worry.

Just. ... let yourself be happy, enjoy this moment - you've wanted this for so long.

And don't you _dare_ blame yourself for what happened before - any of it - it wasn't your fault ."

" I can't stop thinking. It's my job, Derek, it's my job to know everything that can possibly go wrong and especially with me - "

He puts a finger to her lips. " Chief you may be, but you're not your own doctor. So put that big brain to rest, and stop _thinking_. Just ... feel. "

She opens her mouth just the slightest , but then exhales. " You're right . I'm going to just feel. Happy and excited and ... I don't know, but I'm not going to worry. Or think.

I'm having this baby, so screw everything I know, I'm _having_ this baby. "

" That's my girl. " he whispers, sliding the covers over her shoulders. " Go to sleep, now, before you come up with something else. "

She giggles under the covers, peeks at him in childish excitement. " Maybe it's a boy. Who likes throwing balls and who likes shopping. "

She snorts at the look on his face. " Or with my luck, it's got two heads and it's one of both. "

He groans in exasperation. " Goodnight, crazy woman."

" It could be better. " she suggests, sliding one foot up his leg .

 _Jesus, playful Addison is back._

" It _could._ " He murmurs, trying desperately to ignore her. She needs sleep.

He doesn't trust himself not to keep her up all night.

" _So_ much better. " she says, hovering above him, silky hair brushing his face.

" Unless you're too tired. " she breathes against his lips, and rolls away, but that does it, he can only ever hold out for so long.

It's only later, as she's asleep in his arms and he's lying awake thinking of names, that he realises she never told him about Teddy.


	27. Chapter 26 pt 2

**_This is the remaining half of the chapter I posted earlier, sorry for the delay._** ** _Thanks to everyone who wished me luck for my exams ._** ** _Enjoy!_**

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

" Everything okay in there ? "

 _No, Derek, I am puking my guts out._

" Yeah, I'm fine. " she calls back.

" Can I come in ? "

" No . "

He comes in, sits down on the cold tiled floor next to her.

He hands her a glass of water, which she meekly accepts.

She doesn't need to be dehydrated on top of nauseous, five weeks pregnant and probably late for a board meeting she was supposed to have this morning.

" Amy called ? " she asks around the rim of the glass, her voice echoing hollowly.

" Yeah. She got back fine, says she has two months of her fellowship left and she's going to finish that first, figure it out from there. "

" Did she - "

" Tell Mom ? No, and she didn't tell the girls either, so ... don't. They don't mean to but they judge and they advise and they yell and it drives her crazy, she just needs a little time right now, to figure this out on her own. "

" She'll be okay ? "

" Apart from calling you two times a day and pretending the rest of us don't know about it, she'll be fine ."

" She'll call you too, Derek. She practically hero - worships you. "

He laughs ruefully, shaking his head. " Never lets it show, does she ? She always liked you the best, though. She told me, the night before our wedding - _she's my best sister, Derek, don't screw this up -_ that's what she said. "

" I'm going to miss her. I miss all of them, even Kathleen. "

" Er. . . . about that. ..."

" What did you _do_ , Derek. "

" I might have invited them . Here . For Christmas. Since the house is going to be done... "

 _Hotdog Thanksgiving we've already done, does he want to do Hamburger Christmas too ?_

" _All_ of them ? "

" I'm so sorry, I didn't know you'd be. ... well, pregnant and. ... we can cancel.

We'll cancel, you shouldn't be stressed right now. "

" Derek, Christmas is a month away, the house is barely furnished, what were you _thinking_ ? "

 _You weren't thinking, that's the problem, you never think and I never stop thinking._

" They all wanted to see you ! Mom said she wanted to make sure we were happy,how she intends to see that while she's breathing down our necks I'd like to know, but it's okay, we can cancel. "

" You can't cancel now, that's rude ! And I'm not mad you asked them to come, I miss them and I want to have another crazy family Christmas like we used to have, I'm mad because _the house is a mess_. "

He sits back on his haunches, mouth falling open in recognition. " You're mad because you don't have time to _decorate_? "

" Yes. "

He starts laughing. " Good to know the mention of decorating makes you happy enough to forget your morning sickness . Remind me of that the next time we're sitting next to the toilet. "

" Shut up . " she mumbles, clutching the aforementioned toilet as another wave of nausea rolls over her.

" Archer too. " he tumbles the words out before he loses his nerve.

She stares in horror before she leans back over the bowl.

" Christmas trees, Addie. Ornaments and holly and wrapping paper and wreaths and _mistletoe._ "

" Aren't you a doctor ? Stop acting like a faith healer and go get me my phone. "

" Why? "

" I'm calling the interior decorator, Adele gave the number months ago but I wanted to do this myself, apparently there's no time now, so I need this decorator person to find me the stuff I tell them to. "

" You want slave labor ? "

" Basically, yes. "

" We have interns. ..."

" _No._ What is it with you and Mark, they're here to _learn_ , not fetch your lunch and dry cleaning and do your dirty work. "

" Mark's dating one. " he says, looking closely at her .

" _What_ ? "

" Lexie Grey, they're not serious, I think, it's Mark after all. "

" Little Grey. He's dating Little Grey, and I didn't know . "

" Does that bother you ? "

 _I can't believe it, he's **testing** me _.

" Not really. "

" Meredith asked me to tell him to keep little Sloan out of little Grey ."

She tenses against the wall she's leaning against. " Did you? "

" Should I ? "

" They're adults. Let them decide. "

" Meredith doesn't want Lexie to get all messed up when Mark leaves her ."

" Does it really matter to you? What Meredith thinks ? "

" Addie, don't make this about Meredith. "

" I'm not. You are. What about what Mark wants? "

" Mark wants a lot of things he can't have. " he snaps, staring right at her.

" Then let him have what he actually can ." she fires back.

" But - "

" You cannot interfere in your best friends love life because your ex mistress asked you to, not if your _wife_ is asking you not to, it's sort of an unwritten rule. "

" Stop dragging Meredith into this, I just don't want Lexie to -"

He's interrupted by a particularly violent bout of retching, necessitating the holding of hair and rubbing of her back.

He lets go when she's done, picks up where he left off. " - get hurt. "

" Ask _yourself_ why you care so much about a random intern you barely know , Derek, and _then_ tell me how this isn't about Meredith. "

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He tries to coax food into a pale slightly shaky Addison, gives up when she marches to the car and flops into it.

They drive to the hospital in chilled silence, each not wanting to be the first to give in .

They're having the first ultrasound today, at Addison's insistence, she's already paged Arizona and sworn her to secrecy.

 _Has she told anyone yet?_

He's fighting the urge to just ask, but speaking first would be losing the fight.

Their record is a three weeks of utter silence, a disagreement over a surgical plan for a shared patient back in New York.

It had ended with a rather satisfying reconciliation in an on call room, after Richard bellowed at them in front of the entire surgical staff to _stop acting like damn fool children ._

 _And now we're actually having children._

So he gives her ten minutes tops to sulk, before he breaks the silence.

He pulls into the parking lot and reaches into the backseat for their bags as he takes a deep breath.

" Lets not fight -" " Can we please -"

Their words run into and over each other, and they fall silent for a moment before Addie bursts into laughter.

" We're getting better at this, aren't we? " she says.

" We definitely are. Who knew having a baby is what would make us grow up? " he chuckles, leaning over to kiss her.

She pulls back, looking queasy. " You taste like coffee. "

" If _coffee_ is making you want to throw up , you should mention that to Arizona . "

" Promise me you won't flip out and go overboard and embarrass yourself during the ultrasound. "

" Of course not. You're the one who _flips_ _out_ , not me . " he scoffs.

There's a sharp knock on the window behind him and he turns to see Mark peering at them.

" You gonna get out of that car today ?"

They do, hoping he hasn't heard anything.

" Who's that for ?" Addison asks him, pointing to the two coffees he's holding.

" Uh... Lexie. "

" You're bringing her coffee? They're serious, Derek, he's bringing her coffee. "

" Really, Mark? Things are getting real with you two? I mean, coffee - _you_ bringing an _intern_ coffee and not the other way round - that's serious , isn't it. "

He looks from one to the other, incredulous.

" Do you two _gossip_ about me at home ? "

"No." they chorus; Addie stifles a laugh and gives them away.

" Get a life. " Mark grumbles, heading for the entrance.

" And what's wrong with you, Red, you look like you're gonna hurl. "

" Nothing ." she gags, skirts around to walk on Derek's other side to avoid the smell of the coffee.

It feels wrong, because she's always between them, chattering , that's how it's always been.

Mark on her left and him on her right, exchanging looks over the top of her head.

Mark looks quizzically at him now, jerking his head towards Addison, who has sped up to walk in front of them.

" What's with her ?"

" Nothing ." he shrugs, feeling guilty. " She's fine. "

Inside they wait for Mark to collect his interns and files and go on rounds, Addie shifting impatiently from foot to foot.

When he's finally gone, she sighs in relief. "I thought he'd never leave ."

" How long are we going to hide this, Addie ? I mean, it's going to be obvious in a few months. Mark would be happy for us."

 _Or would he ?_

" Until we're sure that there's something to _be_ obvious in a few months, because with my track record..." she trails off nervously and he can't bring himself to say what she need to hear.

 _One miscarriage and one abortion, that's what she means. One was tragic. The other one was_ _completely out of character._

They sneak into the exam room Arizona told them to wait in, on the Peds floor to avoid Addison's ever- curious staff.

She ducks into the tiny bathroom to change, leaves him alone with the posters of happy chubby cheeked babies and happy expectant mothers with hands on bellies, dads swinging squealing kids through the air .

Dreams distilled onto glossy paper , actors who barely know each other playing at families.

He remembers doing this the first time round, in New York, the nervous newness of it all, even for Addie, because she was used to being the one in charge.

 _" Okay, I'm officially nervous. "_

 _He clutches her hand, kisses the crease in her brow._

 _" It's going to be alright , Addie, our baby will be perfect. "_

 _They're waiting in a exam room, Addie shivering slightly in the thin paper gown, Nancy just outside the door talking to one of her interns._

 _She'll be here in a moment, and then they'll see their baby, the baby they made, half him and half Addison._

 _Of course it's perfect._

 _He distracts her with more baby names._

 _" Wilhelmina for a girl. Willy for short."_

 _She laughs reluctantly. " The baby would sue you for child abuse when it got older. "_

 _" Dorothea. Ethel. Gertrude."_

 _" It could be a boy. "_

 _" Percival. "_

 _She turns his head towards her instead of at the door._

 _" Michael ? "_

 _He stills in surprise. " You want to name our baby after my dad ?"_

 _" If you want to. "_

 _He bends down and kisses her firmly on the lips. " I love you. "_

 _" And you too." he says, with a little kiss on her stomach that makes her laugh ._

 _His pager goes off then, loud in the silent tiny room._

 _" Derek. Don't - "_

 _" It's the ER, Addie, I'm so sorry but it's a 911 page, I can't ignore it. "_

 _She stares at him a long moment, then swings her legs off the table. " I'm not doing this alone. "_

 _" You're not alone, Nancy's here -"_

 _" Nancy didn't father my baby. You go see what it is. I've got surgeries lined up too , we'll do this tomorrow morning. "_

 _Twelve hours later later she was in the ICU and it was all over._

This time, he reaches down and turns off his pager.

He absently folds her dark red dress and lays it on top of the neatly folded panties he's already put on the counter.

" Derek. Stop folding my clothes. "

" You don't like wrinkles in your clothes. "

" You never fold clothes. Clearly, you're flipping out. " she counters.

" Am not. "

They're thankfully interrupted by Arizona, who blows cheerily into the room, followed by a sullen Teddy.

" Why are you here? " he asks, remembering how Addison dodged his questions last week.

" Because I'm a good doctor. " she replies cryptically, leaning against the sink and fixing Addison with a stern gaze.

" Are you really doing this ? "

" Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Dr. Altman. " Addison says coolly. " There may not be anything to worry about in a week or two. "

" Addison, be positive. A little good energy can do wonders for your baby, you know. " Arizona scolds.

He can practically feel Addie rolling her eyes at the perky blonde doctor.

" You didn't tell Callie, right? Please tell me you didn't tell Callie. " she asks instead.

" My lips are sealed . " Arizona replies, widening her eyes as she makes a zipping motion across her lips. " But she's going to find out anyway, she knows you're hiding something. Bailey, too. "

" Damn it. " she flops against the pillow.

" You're gonna be fine. " Arizona reassures, picking up the probe. " You know the drill - "

" The baby's too small to pick up on a regular scan so we have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. God, that thing looks so much more _phallic_ when you're the one on the table. "

" I'll wait outside. " Teddy says hastily. " _Tell_ _me_ when you're done, we need to talk. You too, Shepherd. "

He looks down at his wife after Teddy leaves. " You want to tell me what that's about ? "

It's nothing, really. It's going to be _fine_. " she sounds like she's convincing herself, not him.

She tilts the monitor so she can see; Arizona doesn't bother protesting, because it would be a losing battle.

He clutches her hand to comfort himself as much as her, trains his eyes on the flickering black screen.

" Here we. . .. go. " Arizona is saying, but he can barely hear her .

" Oh my god. " Addison breathes, crushing his hand in hers.

" Twins !" Arizona chirps ." Congratulations, mom and dad ."

 ** _Slexie , anyone? Anyone?_**


	28. Chapter 27

**_Thank you for all the good luck wishes I've gotten for my exams._** ** _And also for all the reviews._** ** _Enjoy._**

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

 _" Twins ! Congratulations, mom and dad. "_

" Oh my god. " Addison repeats, and he buries his face in her hair, leaning down to the table, holding her close and hoping Arizona doesn't notice the moisture in his eyes.

" Twins, Addie, could we be any luckier ? " he murmurs softly .

She's crying too - _Bizzy would have a heart attack -_ and she clings to him, laughing through her tears.

" I'll print you out a picture to put on the fridge, and then we can talk. " Arizona smiles. " Everything looks good for five weeks, we'll get you another scan in two weeks - "

" And we can see the heartbeats then ." Addison beams.

" And the gender - um, sorry, do you want to? "

" Yes. " they say at the same time.

" You two are so. ... in tune with each other." Arizona says, looking wistful. " These are very lucky babies. "

They exchange glances , _if only she knew ,_ and then Teddy comes back in.

" I'm not going to congratulate you. " she says flatly. " Either you tell him right now, or I will. "

" Dr. Altman, what is your problem? " he snaps at the woman, annoyed by her standoffish behaviour.

" Your wife. Or rather, what she's hiding. "

He turns to Addie, who's sitting up looking resigned. " What is she talking about? "

" Could you give us a minute? " she asks the two women, and they leave with silent nods.

Teddy shuts the door carefully behind her as she leaves.

He turns to Addison, arms folded. " What's going on ? Is this about Mark? "

She looks down into her lap, hair hiding her face. " You can't yell at me. Not here, not now. Later, if you want, but not here. "

" Is it something that's going to make me yell ? " he asks, brushing her hair out of her face and tilting her chin up to meet his eyes.

" Maybe. " she breathes deeply, disentangles her fingers from his.

" I'm going to talk, now, and you have to listen , and ... not make faces, okay ? "

" No faces. " he agrees, heart pounding with fear.

" In New York. I didn't have an ... abortion. I miscarried. And it wasn't Mark's baby.

He thought it was, and he was so excited, it was just - easier, to let him believe it and be happy and not hurt him, the way I hurt you.

And I didn't want you to come back because you felt _obliged_ to, because of the baby, I was going to tell you at some point, obviously, but then I miscarried and it didn't matter anyway, I had a ... procedure , then it was all taken care of and I let Mark and everyone else think I aborted the baby, because I couldn't have them look at me with _pity_ , I just couldn't, not after they all thought I was an adulterous whore, it was better to let them look at me with hate.

I couldn't stand the thought of them _pitying_ me, I couldn't stand the thought of _you_ coming back as an obligation, so I lied.

I'm sorry , more than you'll ever know, but I don't regret it. "

She's on her feet now, pacing and waving her hands in agitation , looking everywhere but at him.

" And Teddy - she's involved because I asked her to be, I needed her .

The first time I miscarried it was because it was ectopic, I understand that now. The second time, it was ... my blood pressure was through the roof, my heart was working overtime, the stress of everything that happened with you , and with Mark, it was too much.

I never told you this - never told anyone - but I'm telling you, now .

I got a viral infection when I was sixteen, I went to some godforsaken refugee camp with my father, because it easy a good photo op, the do- gooder doctor and his daughter, saving poor people.

He got interviews and pictires in the paper and he got laid.

Restricted cardiomyopathy is what I got, and it never affected _me_ , because it wasn't severe enough. He made me swear never to tell Bizzy, and he bought me a neat little Audi, red, Addie's Audi, he called it, it was funny to him.

So that's what I've been hiding.

You can yell, now, you look like you need to."

" You have a serious heart condition. That you never told me about. In the fifteen years I have known you, you never _told_ me. "

" I was fine, Derek, I'm going to _be_ fine, it's not that severe. "

" You are _blind_ when it comes to yourself. You're pregnant with twins, you think your heart can _take_ _it_? " hus voice is rising steadily, he crosses to the other side of the exam table to put a little distance between them because he no longer trusts the person he's become and pretends not to notice the way her fingers flutter towards him.

 _She never knows what's best for her_

" Don't. Don't lecture me, Derek, this is _my_ job and I'm good at it . "

" I know you're good at your job, Addison, it's _you_ you're not good at.

What you want, what you need, it's always beyond you, isn't it ?

You never know what's best for you, you are the most self -destructive person I know , you - "

" What I _want_ , Derek, is this. Exactly this, I want kids and I want a family and I want _you_ to not yell at me when I've finally figured out how to be happy, and I want for you to believe that I can do this, because I _can ."_

They stand at opposite ends of the room, breathing hard and glaring at each other.

He pictures her heart pounding in her chest, keeping the three most important people in his life alive.

He pictures it failing ; could he stand losing her, and the two tiny people he's never met , but he loves already ?

Or would it be better, just the two of them, just them, but with the rock - solid guarantee that Addie would be there ?

He opens his mouth, closes it again, shakes his head.

He can't say it , it's bubbling hot and acid up his throat and fighting its way past his lips, but saying it would break her.

Again.

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

Derek looks at her, then away, breathes deep and then swallows whatever was crawling out of his mouth.

She doesn't know if she's grateful to avoid it or if it would just be better to get it over with, but he's Derek, far be it from him to ever give in easily.

 _Of course I don't know; he's right about this, about everything, why does he always have to be **right**_.

" Say it, Derek, I'm sure I've heard worse. " she spits, furious at herself, at him, everything and everyone.

" Addison, calm down, you shouldn't - "

" Don't tell me what I _should_ and _shouldn't_ do. Tell me what you're thinking, because _clearly_ we're on different pages. "

She can see the exact moment when he loses whatever control he was managing to keep on his tongue; it's strangely satisfying to know that she can get McDreamy to lose the dreamy.

"Different _pages,_ Addie? We're on completely different planets here, I'm still recovering from the fact that you didn't tell me about this in the last, what , _fifteen years?_ You didn't tell me, _you didn't tell me,_ and now you expect me to come to terms with that _and_ the fact that you're pregnant - with twins, no less, which is _the_ most amazing and _disastrous_ coincidence - and let you potentially kill yourself trying to have a baby?

Come on, Addie, I want this just as much as you do, I _want_ our children, I love them already.

But I love you too, and I've already made too many mistakes with you, lost too much time, and I'm not willing to give you up to some stupid hormonal impulse.

So please, for once in your life, face the facts and do what's sensible, instead of what you _think_ is going to make you happy. "

" _Disastrous._ You think our children are disastrous . "

" Did you not hear a word I said after that, Addison? Wait - " he wrenches open the door and beckons a sheepishly lingering Teddy inside.

Arizona follows, looking anxious.

" Tell her that she's being stupid. " he seethes .

They both start talking at the same time, glaring at each other as they try to be heard.

" Wait. Arizona, go first. "

 _Smart move, Shepherd, try to get at me by telling me how I'm hurting the babies._ "

I think she's right ." Arizona says simply.

 _Ha._

" What? " Derek splutters, having lost his trump card.

" How can she be right, she's hurting herself _and_ the fetuses, how do you propose they'll survive nine months when you don't know if her heart is strong enough to keep _her_ alive through the pregnancy ? "

 _Fetuses_

" Lets not go there yet , Derek . " Arizona says sharply, laying a steadying hand on his arm. " We don't know that. "

" Exactly. " Teddy says, peeling herself off the wall. " We don't know that. Do you really want to risk this? Because what he's saying isn't far from the truth, even if it isn't what you _want_ him to say. "

" You think I'm _indulging_ myself here ? That I'm playing at being mommy, without thinking about the risks? I know. Believe me, I know.

But I'm excellent at my job, and Arizona is excellent at hers, I know my limits and between the two of us, I have a chance. "

She turns to him, eyes shining bright. " A real chance, Derek, to be a family.

And it could be my last, you know that. This is a miracle and I don't intend to throw it away - just imagine, if I can hold out for just six, maybe seven, months, we'd have two perfect babies, they'd be fine, healthy, Arizona can do this and so can I - "

" No. " Teddy says furiously. " Listen to yourself, you sound like some desperate twenty year old mom who has no idea what she's getting into, like that Brandon woman who nearly sued you - "

" _Don't_ go there with me, you have no right ." she hisses, stung .

" - For gods sake, _Dr._ Montgomery - Shepherd, wake up. Wake up, smell the coffee or whatever the hell it is and make the decision you know is right for you. " Teddy barks, softening when she sees the raging emotions on her face.

" Addison, even if it hurts right now, it's the right thing to do, remember that. You'll regret it if you go the other way. "

She leaves, looking meaningfully at Derek on her way out.

" I'm, uh... with you, whatever you decide. " Arizona murmurs, rubbing her back soothingly.

" You're amazing at what you do - you're not being objective right now, obviously, but if _you_ think you can do this, you can - and you're one of the strongest most willful people I've ever met; if anyone can get through this , it's you . Remember that . "

And then it's just the two of them in the room, them and a silence so deep she feels suffocated .

She's expecting more yelling, attempts to get her to _see reason_ , but he surprises her by walking over and pulling her into a hug that she responds to after a while.

When he speaks , he sounds exhausted.

" I love you. And I want the best for you, if it means giving up this chance , then I'm sorry, but I choose _you_. Remember that. "

 ** _I promise more Slexie , I swear._** ** _Who do you think is right, Derek or Addison ?_**


	29. Chapter 28

**_So so so sorry for updating like a snail._** ** _Real life demands to be lived sometimes._** ** _Enjoy!_**

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He gets home early that evening, having canceled a surgery and postponed another, the first time he's done that in years.

He's not used to coming home to a dark apartment, Addison is usually home before him, curled on the couch with a glass of wine _( not these days, though. )_ and a book.

It's funny how hard it is to fit yourself into the life you think you want, he muses, setting down the bags of groceries he's picked up.

Because this _is_ what he wants, _has_ wanted, for years, Addison and a family.

So it doesn't matter if he doesn't have any idea how to do this ; he's going to learn.

Starting with putting away the groceries.

He has no idea what goes where; mostly because he hasn't had to do this practically since med school, because that was the last time he didn't live with Addison.

Fifteen years ago.

But also because he doesn't think they've actually used the kitchen since moving in nearly a year ago ; this morning his search of the pantry turned up a dusty box of cereal and a near - empty bag of coffee beans; the fridge yielded three bottles of admittedly excellent wine, one of vodka and a radioactive lump of cheese.

Not exactly pregnancy diet appropriate, so he did a supermarket run , feeling vastly out of his depth.

He shoves boxes onto random shelves, puts anything vaguely green in the fridge and sets the fruit in a Waterford crystal bowl that Bizzy gave them after she missed their housewarming party at the brownstone .

He hears a key in the lock, then Addison is in the living room, calling " Honey , I'm home. " in a mocking tone.

" How'd you get here before me ? " she asks curiously, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him lightly.

" Surprise. " he says, kissing her back.

She looks exactly that, which is to be expected considering this morning's events.

He sits her down on the sofa and flops next to her. " I'm not fighting anymore. For the record, I still think you're being a stubborn ass with a God- complex, but I'm with you .

Because I love you. I love our babies, and I want to have a family with you, and get old and cranky with you and hold our grandchildren with you.

So I won't say I told you so if anything goes wrong. I won't tell you you're wrong for doing this.

I'm going to help you any way I can, every step of the way, but I want one thing to be clear - _you_ are the first priority here.

If it comes to. ... making a choice, I'd choose you. Clear ? "

She gapes at him, clearly shocked into temporary silence, which is rare, so he enjoys the sight.

" Really , Derek ? Because I remember you saying something this morning about being on _different planets_ and the word _disastrous_ , so - "

" Are we _clear_? " he says a little louder, cutting off her tirade.

She stares at him a long moment, eyes blank, but he can imagine all too well the thoughts racing at warp speed in her head.

" We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. _If_ we come to it. " she finally says, turning away from him to take off her heels.

He pulls her hand away from the delicate strap crossing her ankle.

" Are we clear ? " he asks again, undoing the strap and watching her reaction as his fingers linger too long against her skin, drifting slightly upward.

" Don't try to distract me. "

 _Damn it ._

They sit silently while he thinks of another way to broach the topic.

" I ordered the granite. For the counters, in the kitchen ? And marble for the bathrooms like you wanted. And I thought we could maybe do the nursery, this weekend, I'm off and so are you - "

He listens to her ramble , wondering if either of their children will too.

" Addison. This isn't me asking you if you want marble or granite countertops. It's sn important decision. You can't ignore this and hope it goes away. "

" Do you think I don't _know_ that ? That for one second, I don't think about what could happen ?

Because I do, Derek, I think about dying and I want to run as fast as I can.

But then I think _what if_ , and I imagine two perfect little babies and someone calling me _Mom_ and I want to , for once in my life, stop thinking, and stop running. "

" There's other ways, Addie, you know that."

" Of course I do, I tell people who sit in my office and watch their hopes and dreams fall apart appointment after appointment that.

I tell them about the _other options_ and I watch them look at me like I've let them down, like I'm some heartless cold bitch who thinks it's all the same anyway, but no matter how much you talk about the _other options_ it's never going to be your baby.

It won't have your hair or mine or our eyes or your smile or my temper or its great aunts nose.

You'll love it every day of your life, but it's not the same. And I'm not willing to throw away this chance - not just because this is our last chance, not just because it's a medical miracle - because I can _do_ this, I know I can.

But I'm going to need you, Derek, one hundred percent of you, so tell me , are you in or are you out ? " she cocks her head slightly, challenging him.

 _I've been out for far too long, I'll be damned if I'm going to do it again._ " In. Always, Addie, I'll always be there. For you and for our kids.

But if it ever comes down to it - "

" _If._ We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. " she repeats, tangling her fingers in his and smiling in a way that breaks his heart because she looks so relieved .

Like she was expecting a fight.

He'll let it go , for now. No point getting her all worked up.

She stands up, rummaging through her bag. " Look what I got. " she says happily, brandishing a pile of books at him.

He looks at the top one. A recipe book.

He snorts with laughter " What are _you_ going to do with _that_ ? "

She pretends to look wounded . " If I can read, I can cook. I _am_ a - "

" Double board certified OB GYN , neonatal and maternal - fetal surgeon with a fellowship in medical genetics. " he finishes, feeling proud and slightly breathless by time he gets through the list. " But no, sweetie, you don't cook. "

" I'm going to learn. And so are you, because we cannot raise our children on takeout and wine.

And I don't want to be like -"

He puts a finger to her lips before she can throw herself down that particular rabbit hole. " You couldn't be like Bizzy if you tried, Addison, you're going to make an amazing mother. You are anything but cold. "

" What if it's genetic or something? What if pregnancy hormones turn me into a cold, WASPy , gin - drinking , charity - running horrible mother and they _hate_ me ?" she demands, looking slightly afraid .

 _What the hormones are making you is neurotic_ , he thinks affectionately .

" Well - you've got the gin drinking, the charity running and the WASPiness down, but cold is not something you'll ever be. " he teases lightly, dodging the book as it comes flying at his head.

" Seriously, Addie, just look at how great you are with Amy. And Ruby, and all our nieces and nephews. You won't turn into your mother. "

She takes the recipe book back, eyes it warily. " If I ever start acting like Bizzy, have me committed or something. I'm not going to let our kids grow up the way I did. "

" Have you committed for what ? Being neurotic? Or an overachiever ? " he asks, getting a dirty look from her.

" You get to choose. " she yawns , leafing through the book. " What should we make? "

" You want to start now ? " he asks, envisioning a long night in the kitchen while she obsessively weighs and measures every ingredient while he throws everything in and hopes it doesn't turn out poisonous.

" We have to start _some_ time. " she mutters, looking tempted to throw in the towel.

" Just not now. " he says " Takeout was invented for a reason - and anyway, we have the neat eight months to learn this stuff. "

" There's a new Thai place that Mark says is _better than sex_... " she relents, looking slightly guilty but mostly relieved.

" If Mark says it's better than sex it must be downright award- winning. " he says, reaching for the phone and planting a kiss on her head. " Fire away. "

She stands up after he's done ordering. " I'm going to go change. "

He immediately stands up too , only to be pushed back into the couch cushions. " I'm starving. If we miss the delivery guy, it's your fault and there will most definitely be no sex, so stay here. "

He resignedly picks up the second book she's brought, feels a sharp pang when he sees it's a book of baby names.

 _Names make everything real. It's harder to be objective when they're real._

He hears Addison pad into the living room.

" Are you doing this on purpose ? " he groans as he takes in the satin robe and lacy strappy outfit she's got on.

" Of course not. " she smirks, sinking into the couch and slipping cold feet under his.

" Not that you ever need help, but this isn't for you. I intend to wear all of my pretty impractical things before I get too fat, so get used to it. "

" Aren't you cold ? " he asks , knowing all too well that her wardrobe choices don't necessarily take trivial things like the weather into consequence .

" Not really. " she says, snuggling close and sliding icy hands under his shirt.

" That's not fair. You can't say _no sex_ and then put that ... that _thing_ on and then say you're not cold and then practically crawl under my clothes. "

" I'm hormonal. Humour me. " she says, laughing. " Oh, this is going to be so much fun. "

He groans, knowing she's right - he intends to humor her every whim, she has him trapped.

" And I didn't say _no sex_. I said no sex _right now._ "

He perks up a little. " That's something. "

" Did you look at this ? " she asks, opening the name book.

" This is impossible, what if we name the baby something and then when it's older it hates it? And this is weird, we can't call them _it_ s. "

" What do you think they are ? " he asks, drawing patterns on the flat planes of her abdomen.

" I don't know. ... I want a girl, but I have a feeling they might be both boys, judging by the way they make me so damn tired all the time. " she sighs, placing a hand over his.

" Both boys. " he says, slightly alarmed. " We'll go senile before they're in high school. Maybe they're both girls, girls are. ... easier. "

" Maybe it's one each. " she giggles. " That would be perfect, but that's sort of pushing our luck and I think it's stretched pretty thin already. "

" We could name them Hansel and Gretel. " he says, remembering their old pastime. " Or Jack and Jill. Or Chip and Roxy. "

" Shut up. "

" You pick one, then. "

She stills next to him, stops fidgeting with her hair, so he knows she's being serious.

" I ... I sort of like Wesley. Or Wyatt, for a boy, or boys, whatever they are. And I like Carson, for either, but I know you don't, so it's okay. "

" Honey, maybe the WASP gene is heritable, but we don't have to predispose them to it by giving them names like that. "

" Those aren't WASPy at all. " she protests .

" What's wrong with normal names like Jacob? Or... Michael ? " he says without thinking, only realising it when she goes stiff against his shoulder.

 _You want to name our baby after my dad ?_

" I'm sorry. " he says softly, squeezing her hand.

" It's okay. " she whispers. " But that would be like - "

" Replacing what we lost . I know, I just wasn't thinking. "

" If you want to -"

" No. "

He associates that name with grief and loss now, first his father and then the baby they never knew.

This is a fresh start. new beginnings and clean slates.

" What about girls? " he asks, to distract her.

She brightens a little. " Maybe Emerson. Or Aubrey, and I really like Dagny, but you'll laugh that one off, so I'm not putting it on my list. "

" Again, with the preppy names. ... you might as well call them Pip and Chip and send them to your old school. "

She swats him on the knee with the book. " I didn't turn out so bad, neither did Archie, and we don't have clichéd nicknames either. "

" Ow. Okay , okay, I'll consider it. Wait - there's a _list_ ? "

She peers up at him. " Of course. This is the names list - and the baby furniture list - and the baby clothes list - and the things to learn list. " she announces as she places each in turn on his lap.

 _She's known about the pregnancy for what, a week ?_

" When did you have time to do all that ? " he asks, confused.

She's in either meetings or surgeries thirteen hours a day, and then she comes home and sleeps like a rock.

She looks caught out . " I've been meeting with prospective candidates for that attending spot in your department, to vet them before you interview with them... and most of them are really boring, so ... "

" Wait - there's a vacancy in Neuro? "

" That's why Richard didn't make you Chief, you never know anything. John Nelson handed in his notice a week ago, you should have known that. "

" _Who_? And why ? "

" John Nelson? Callie calls him Shadow Shepherd? And actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about this -"

His heart sinks, because anything preceded by _I've been meaning to talk_ is generally something he tries to avoid.

" - he resigned because he feels overlooked. He says , quote, that his _talents are being overlooked_ and that he didn't come here to _play lackey to some surgeon whose head is too big to leave space for anyone else._ So if you have anything to say for yourself, I'd like to hear it. "

" Oh, that guy, he's Jake, not John. I'll talk to him, don't worry. "

" Deflate your head a little bit, would you ? He's easy to bully into taking the surgeries you think you're too good to do, if we lose him I don't think I can find another dogsbody for you. "

" That's my girl. " he kisses her as he gets up to answer the door.

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He walks straight to the living room, because there aren't any formalities after you've slept on someone's futon because you were too drunk to go home.

" Oh my god, _Mark?_ " Addison yelps, yanking her robe closed and tying the sash.

" I thought it was the delivery guy. "

He knows he's looking at her the way that got them here in the first place, he knows he can't, won't do this again, not if he wants to keep his family, because that's what they are.

 _It's not like I haven't seen it before_ , he thinks, trying to drive the image of bare skin and lace from his mind.

" I. . . I'm sorry, I shouldn't ve barged in - "

 _I screwed her in her husband's bed on his favorite sheets, she was going to have my child and now I can't look at her half naked, because that's just my life._ _Unfair._ " Food's here too. " Derek comes in behind him, oblivious as ever to the little drama that has just taken place. " Sit down, Mark , we ordered enough to feed the whole surgical staff anyway. "

He doesn't turn around, because he doesn't want Derek to see the look he knows is on his face.

" Because leftovers are lunch. " Addison says, smiling brightly, playing it perfectly as always, giving him time to rearrange his face.

" Oh good, you brought beer, we don't have any. " Derek says, placing the bags of food on the coffee table and opening a bottle.

" What, no beer ? How is that possible, you have a wino in the house. " he nods at Addison , knows he's forgiven because she sends him a trademark glare.

He pretends to shudder as he opens a box of noodles. " You do know you terrify the poor little interns with that look, right? They call you - " he stops short when Derek jabs an elbow into his ribs, shaking his head surreptitiously.

" What ? WHAT, Mark? " she demands, sitting up straight and grabbing his arm.

" Nothing. " he mumbles around a mouthful of noodles.

" Derek. What do they call me? "

" I. ... I dunno. " he says hurriedly, glaring at Mark as he moves out of range of his wife's swinging foot.

" You two know something. Spill, or I'll give you the new interns to babysit for a month. " she threatens.

He's not entirely sure she can do that, but she's not one for idle threats, so he throws Derek to the wolves and saves his own ass.

" Satan. McHottie, if you're in a good mood, but usually Satan ."

She gasps, shocked. " This is all _your_ fault. " she accuses a cowering Derek.

" They wouldn't have thought of it on their own, you gave them the idea. "

" You're a good Chief . " he says lamely, trying to salvage his spot in bed; Addison is apt to kick him out after this.

" So we're McDreamy, McHottie and McSteamy ? " she asks, quelled.

" Yup. " Derek says, clearly relieved at not having to sleep on the couch.

" Those interns are McStupid. " she grumbles. " Stop eating out of boxes like cavemen. Go get plates. "

They both groan; Addison is probably the only person who eats takeout off china plates on the dining table with candles and wine.

They get up anyway, because years of experience has taught them there's no use arguing.

As he gathers boxes off the coffee table, he knocks over a pile of unopened mail - Derek's, because Addie is compulsive about opening hers - and some sort of book with a smiling toothless kid on it.

He bends to pick it up, and his heart stops beating for a second when he sees the title.

 _The Complete Book Of Baby Names ._

 _Addie, pale and slightly green that morning, the rumored showdown in Exam Room 3 , the glass of sparkling water Derek handed her but he didn't comment on because he's on thin ice with her lately, and now this._

" Something I'm missing, guys? " he asks, hoping for a yes and hating himself because he knows he's forcing himself to.

 _Please let me keep my wife ; his familiar blue eyes just a little brighter than usual._

 _I love him, Mark, I hate how much I love him ; Addie clinging to him, settling for second best after the one she always wanted failed to turn up yet again._

" Oh , uh...a patient left that in my office and I - "

" Addie. It's Mark, we should tell him. " Derek says, looking like he's about to burst with pride.

She laughs, reaching for Derek's hand. " I think he's figured it out anyway, it anyway horrible actor. "

 _Say it, Addie, I need you to say it ._

" Five weeks - " she begins, looking like the cat that got the cream.

" Twins ! " Derek grins, ecstatic, looking like a little boy whose been told Christmas is coming early .

Addison looks at him with something that's half pity and half apology, but he smiles.

Not because that's what you're supposed to do, not because he's playing the part he's played for years, but a genuine smile, because she's so happy, happier than she was back in the times of Yankees onesies and missing husbands.

Because it doesn't hurt as badly as he thought it would.

Because these days he dreams less and less of red hair and more of deep cocoa brown; he doesn't drown in a certain pair of eyes the color of the ocean, because he's too busy trying to get a certain pair of innocent chocolate eyes to notice him.

" I get to be Cool Uncle Mark, right? " he demands. " Those kids are going to need a cool uncle. ... oh, yeah congratulations and all that. "

He hugs Addie, holds her tight and ribs her about how he won't be able to get his arms around her in a few months.

He slaps Derek on the back; this is about as much affection as they show, and he's surprised when his oldest friend yanks him into a non- manly hug.

" You're going to be cool Uncle Mark. " he chokes, so he hugs him long enough to tactfully let him wipe the tears he knows are in his eyes.

It doesn't hurt at all.

 ** _What do you think of the baby's names? I'd love some suggestions._** ** _Bonus points to whoever recognises where the name Dagny came from!_**


	30. Chapter 29

**_This fic is turning into a real monster isn't it. 29 chapters already !_** ** _Should I break it into parts ?_**

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

" Bit lower. No, to the the left. _My_ left, Shepherd. "

They're in the nursery in the new house, putting together a crib, because Addison and Derek have finally moved in , and apparently it's necessary to have the cribs set up even though there won't be any babies for eight months.

Anyway, Derek is setting up the crib while he lounges on the impractical pale yellow rug and drinks beer, hoping Addison won't catch him.

" You could help, you know. " Derek huffs, giving the crib a sullen kick. " Instead of lying around on the floor. "

He swigs his beer ostentatiously. " Your kids. "

" Why is this so ... hard ? I mean, we're surgeons, we remember how to do complex procedures, but I can't put together a stupid crib ? "

" It might help if you weren't slightly drunk. " he points out.

" I'm not working tomorrow. Or today. I'm taking my weekend, like a normal person. " Derek says cheerfully.

At least, he's trying to be cheerful, but he just looks like he has lockjaw .

" You're not done yet ? " Addison asks, incredulous , as she comes in with a tray with three mugs on it.

" You try. " Derek challenges, looking up at her from amidst the mangled parts of crib.

" Get up. You're going to spill beer on that rug and it's going to smell like a bar in here, Mark, this is a _nursery._ "

He shuffles obediently into a corner and sits on something resembling a small wooden crash cart. " What's that? "

" Juju. " she explains, handing them each a cup. " Good juju, for luck. "

" Thanks. " Derek says , sniffing suspiciously out of habit before he sips .

He takes a sip too; Addison's hot chocolate is the only edible thing she makes, but it's always good.

" I need luck. I'm asking Lexie to move in with me. We're going to do it - have a real relationship, be grown ups together. "

" Mark that's amazing! " Addie laughs, gets up to hug him one armed and ruffle his hair playfully. " You're finally growing up. "

He can't help but notice Derek looks less than thrilled.

 _Not this again. Does he even care what this does to Addison?_

" Bit fast, don't you think? " Derek asks , looking away from them.

" _Derek._ " Addison says pointedly. " Stop. "

" Yeah. " he chimes. " Stop. "

He waves her off.

" No, Addie, he's asking an _intern_ he's been dating for what, a couple months, to move in with him, I'm just worried someone is going to get hurt. "

" Someone, Derek? Or just Lexie ? "Addison asks softly.

" She's a kid - Addie, Mark, come on. She's a kid, she's not ready to handle all the. ... grown - up shit that's going to come with this step - " Derek says, exasperated .

" So you're being this way because you think she's too young. " he clarifies, wondering just how big of a hypocrite his best friend can possibly be, and trying not to look at Addison because he knows the look on her face will make him even angrier.

" _Yes_ . " Derek exclaims, relieved that someone has finally got his point.

" Didn't stop you, did it ? " Addison laughs, a cold hollow sound.

" Addison, this is not about Meredith-" Derek begins, reaching for her hand.

She moves away, crosses her arms across her chest.

" How, Derek, _how_ is this not about Meredith? How, if it's not about _her_ , do you care about Lexie so much. If it's not about _her_ , then _why_ can't you just _let_ go and let your _best friend_ be happy, Derek, _why_?"

Her voice cracks, choked with emotion and threatening tears.

He glares at Derek, _cut her a break, asshole._

Derek glares back, _stay out of it_.

Addie wipes away tears angrily with the back of her hand. " I'm asking for the last time. Let it go already. "

Derek throws up his hands. " Why are you so obsessed with this ? "

" I'm not obsessed, not with Mark and whoever the hell he wants to screw , I'm obsessed about why the hell you still care enough to do something _Meredith Grey_ asked you to do ."

Derek gapes wordlessly at her, and he takes the opportunity to escape.

" Okay, guys. I'll see you tomorrow. Derek - try not to be an ass. Addie - calm down, you need to stay calm. " He backs slowly out of the room, down the stairs, and into his car.

As he's pulling out of the drive, he sees something that makes him double up with laughter.

 _This is exactly what Derek deserves ,_ he thinks happily.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He doesn't have an answer for Addison, not right now anyway.

All that he knows is that he is one hundred percent not in love with Meredith Grey, but he'll be damned if he can find the words to explain that to his furious and hormonal wife.

" Addie - "

" Shut up. " she slams mugs onto the tray, stalks into the kitchen , where she proceeds to empty them into the sink. " So much for good juju. "

" Just hear me out, please? "

" Why, Derek? Why should I? Here you are, willing to let your best friend be miserable just to keep your word to your ex mistress who nearly ruined your marriage, and here I am, pregnant and stupid enough to believe what you said and to think you meant it, so I get to not _hear you out._ I get to be a little selfish. "

He puts his arms on the counter on either side of her waist; if she can't go anywhere, she has to listen.

She twists within the circle of his arms so that her face is an inch away from his, pupils widening in surprise at his proximity.

" Get away from me. " she snaps , shoving at his chest.

" No. Not until you listen. I'm not doing this because I _love_ Meredith. I'm doing it because I _owe_ her.

When I moved here from New York, I was... a mess. I'd just lost the love of my life and my best friend at the same time , I was feeling betrayed and bitter and sorry for myself , I was blind; all I could see was that you had hurt me, I couldn't see how I was the reason you did it .

And I met her, and she was. ... different, young and naive and she really did think I walked on water even if I was a bit of an ass, which I was.

But mostly she loved the _idea_ of me, McDreamy , hotshot brain surgeon, no strings attached.

She gave me what I thought I needed right then, assurance that I wasn't _replaceable_ , because that's what I felt, when I lost you and Mark to each other.

She was there for me and she understood me, she helped me work through a lot of shit, and even you have to admit that she backed off when she met you.

And she has. ... issues, with her family, or with the lack of one anyway , and Lexie is pretty much all she's got ; it took her a while to warm up to her at first but she really does care.

So I'm going to look out for Lexie, if that's what she wants, because I owe her that much. "

He pulls back, gives her room to escape if she wants to.

But she stays put, leaning against the sink.

" If you owe Meredith, then I owe Mark. He was always there for me, after you left, and even before that, because lets face it, our marriage was a wreck before you left New York.

He's your best friend, and I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, but Mark and I , we have a bond.

I don't know what it is, but it's not the way I feel about you. He's my friend and a little something more ; he understands me on a level you don't, he never judges me no matter what I do, he supports me unconditionally, he _gets_ me.

So I owe it to him to make sure he has what he needs to be happy, and if what makes him happy is a semi - incestuous relationship with his best friends ex mistresses' little half sister, then I'll do whatever I can to make it happen. "

He leans his forehead against hers.

" Truce? "

She tilts her chin up and brushes his lips with hers. " Truce . And may the best team win. "

He kisses her back, soft at first but then harder, bending her back over the counter. " You're going down, Addie. He'll never make it last with Lexie."

She smirks. " Lets see. "

" Two weeks. I give them two weeks. Five hundred dollars. "

" Deal. I'll take a cheque, by the way. "

He slowly winds his arms around her, kissing her in a way he knows makes her knees go weak. " I like the swagger. It's sexy. "

" Along with the whole nauseous pukey situation ? " she mumbles, lurching away from him to lock herself in the bathroom .

He slides down the other side of the door, trying not to ask her if she's all right, because that just seems to annoy her even more.

" You okay? " he cringes at the sounds from withinthe bathroom.

" These kids definitely take after you, Derek Shepherd, they are driving me crazy. "

 _Ouch._

He gets up to go find blankets and ginger ale, because she's always cold these days and he vaguely remembers his mother telling him that ginger ale is good for nausea, back when she used to drop hints like that all the time.

 _They're going to be unbearable when we tell them_ , he thinks happily, grinning at the thought of how thrilled they're all going to be.

He settles her on the couch, wrapped up in blankets and making faces at the ginger ale, and is just about to collapse onto the other end of the couch when the bell rings.

" Did you order something? " he asks her.

" No. What's the point anyway if I'm going to be throwing up every five minutes, I might as well cut out the middle man and not eat anything. " she grumbles, sinking into her pillows.

He hauls himself off the couch, mentally thanking Addison for the tear inducingly expensive but frostbite preventing rugs she's insisted on.

" If you're selling anything, we don't want - _Archer_? "

" Hello, Derek. Long time no see. "

He steps back to let him in, takes the sleet wet leather jacket and tosses it into the hall closet.

" Archie? Oh my _god._ " Addison laughs, trying to disentangle herself from her blanket nest. " What are you _doing_ here ? "

" I can't visit my baby sister ? "Archer grins, sitting down next to her with an arm slung around her neck. " You look good, Addie. "

And she does ; even with the constant nausea and throwing up, she has a glow to her, a sort of radiance that covers up the tired circles under her eyes.

" You look old. " she punches him in the shoulder . " Really, Archer, in all these years, you never learned to use a phone ? You know, to actually warn people you're coming. "

" I wanted to surprise you. " he says.

" Come on Derek, sit down. I don't bite. " They giggle like little kids at this, Addison patting the sofa beside her.

" It's just. ... a surprise. I haven't seen you in like three years, Archer. " he says, pouring two glasses of scotch and handing him one.

" Well, you did walk out on my sister, so - _ow._ " he stops short when Addison smacks him in the side.

 _Here we go._

" Anyway, great place you guys have got here, I'll give you that. I'm guessing Addie decorated? " he asks, running his eyes over the furnishings that scream his sisters' name.

" Yeah. " he downs his glass and debates how long he should wait to get a refill in order to not look like a alcoholic .

Addison's family necessitates a lot of therapeutic drinking.

He knows there's going to be hell to pay with Archer, later, when Addison's not around to play referee.

He knows he deserves it, but a little liquid courage won't hurt.

" Are you okay, though ? " Archer gestures to the blankets and messy hair, the Yale sweatshirt that only makes an appearance when she needs a little emotional support.

" I'm great. " she says, sipping her ale.

" Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery, what are you drinking? " he asks, peering at her glass.

 _Shepherd_ , he adds silently.

" Uh. . . . ginger ale. It's - delicious. " she takes another sip to prove her point and almost gags on it.

" Yeah right . " Archer snorts. " Coming from the girl who beat my friends at beer pong at the age of sixteen. Are you sick or something ? "

" No. " she manages, looking like she's about to throw up all over her brother. " I'll just be a minute. "

She disappears upstairs, they hear a door slam, and then silence.

It's awkward for a minute, Derek trying not to throw his drink down his throat and Archer lounging against the cushions, eyebrows knotted.

" So... I hear Addie made Chief. " Archer says.

Bizzy's son through and through, the consummate socialiser.

" Yeah. Yeah, she did, she's doing a great job. It's what she always wanted , so ... she's happy."

Archer looks him in the eye. " Is she, Shepherd ? "

" Archer, I - "

" Listen, man, I'm the last person to be giving relationship advice - but Addie's my little sister, and I'd do anything for her.

She has you, but for me, she's all I've got.

I know what happened, those last years in New York, I know it was rough.

I watched her get sad and quiet and she was hurting, and you didn't have the courage to fix it, and it got so bad that she did what Montgomeries do and then iit was all over, and I'll be honest here, I was relieved, because it meant she could move on from you, finally find someone who would be better for her.

But then I saw how miserable she was, after you left, even while she was with Mark - that really hurt, you know, I thought Addie would be the only one of us with an actual functioning family, and then she went and did that - so I'm happy you're together, so long as she's happy.

So don't fuck up again, Shepherd, because I'd do _anything_ for my sister. " he drains his glass and puts it down on the table.

" Hey, Addie. Jesus, you all right? "

She's pale, shaky. " Fine. Just fine. "

" No you're not, you look like you did when you were seventeen and you told Bizzy you had a hangover and didn't need a doctor but it was actually food poisoning. "

" As I recall, she was more annoyed about the fake hangover than the food poisoning ." Addison reminisces , mocking her mother in a high falsetto.

" A lady should be able to hold her liquor, or you shouldn't drink at all, Addison, look at the state of you, _disgraceful._ "

" Don't change the subject, Addison. "

She opens her mouth, turns to Derek for help. " I , uh... "

" It's okay, he's here anyway, let's tell him. " he sighs. Maybe Archer will be so happy he'll forget to be an ass.

" Are you sure, honey, we haven't even told - "

" Tell me what ? " Archer whines , impatient.

" Archie - I'm pregnant. You're going to be an uncle. "

 ** _I've always loved Addison and Archers' relationship, it's so fun and sweet at the same time._** ** _Any baby name ideas?_**


	31. Chapter 30 pt 1

**_Sorry for the late update._** ** _Head over and check out my new fic, please !_**

 ** _ARCHER'S POV_**

 _" Archie, I'm pregnant. You're going to be an uncle. "_

He remembers when Bizzy was pregnant with Addie, because that's really the only pregnancy he's seen up close.

He remembers the sullen looks she gave the Captain, ebullient at the thought of another son, the tense silences - _We agreed to just the one -_ and the resentment towards the little invisible invader of their family.

He remembers when Addie was born - _that's that, you've got your heir and a spare -_ how he'd been annoyed at first that someone else was vying for his parents' already limited attention.

But then Bizzy deposited the tiny whimpering pink bundle in his small lap, scarcely big enough to hold her - _see if you can't get her to quiet down, dear_ \- he remembers being terrified at first, but the she grabbed his finger with her tiny hand and gave him a gummy smile and then he mostly remembers that he was the only one who could get her to calm down when she screamed at night.

Not the succession of nannies, not the Captain and certainly not Bizzy. Him.

He remembers a tiny lisping Addison crawling into his bed, cold toes and wet cheeks, when it thundered, he remembers a gap toothed five year old tagging along at school, flying over her handlebars at seven, he remembers punching Trent Adams at her eleventh birthday party because he had a crush on her, fending off awkward grabby suitors until she thought she didn't have any because she was ugly _( as if )_ , catching her sneaking a drink on the roof at fourteen, giving up hiding her from his friends by sixteen, teaching her to drive the little red Audi the Captain bought her silence with, flipping a coin at eighteen _( Harvard or Yale, Archie? )_ then med school and Derek, terrified he'd lose her, to this boy he hated on principle, dancing with her at her wedding _( Be happy for me, Archie. )_.

Visiting them in New York, secretly proud of her reputation as a brilliant surgeon, and Derek's too, if he lets himself admit it.

Watching the marriage fall apart and not knowing if he should feel bad or triumphant, because he was right.

All her life, he's looked out for her, whether she knew it or not.

But this is something he can't protect her from if it goes wrong, and that is scarier than anything.

He knows, of course, that she's wanted this forever, he knows she'd be a great mother, she's just one of those people who are naturally good with babies.

So why does this scare the shit out of him ?

" Oh my god, Addie, congratulations. " he pulls her close in a rare hug, because he is a Montgomery and he speaks fluent WASP.

" When ? "

" About eight months, and you'll meet your nephews. Or nieces. Or one each, maybe. " she says, slinging her arms around his neck.

" Wait - plural ? "

" Twins. " Derek confirms, grinning g idiotically.

He can feel the color drain from his face . " Addie, you can't - what about your heart ? What are you thinking ? One is bad enough, but twins ? You can't possibly - "

She pulls away from him. " I'm fine, Archer, I've spoken to the best doctors and we're going to monitor everything very closely, there's no reason at all why I can't do this. "

" But - "

" Archie, you've been here three seconds, let's not fight right away. It's late, I'm going to bed. You can take the guest room; if you're upstairs in the next two minutes I'll help you settle in. "

She turns on her heel and marches upstairs, doesn't look back.

" Shepherd, you're letting her do this? Is this some sick way of what, I don't know, getting her to stay with you? You're a doctor, right, do have any idea how dangerous this could be for her - do you even _care_? "

" Archer, I've put up with a lot of your shit over the years, but I will not let you accuse me of not caring about her. I do. If I had my way, she wouldn't be doing this at all, we've wanted a family, sure, but not at the cost of her life, or her health.

She never told me, you know, because she knew I'd react the way I did, which is exactly like you are. "

" So talk her out of it. " he snarls at his brother -in-law, wanting nothing more than to deck him.

" Have you _met_ your sister ? "

" Ar _cher._ " Addison yells. " Ten seconds. "

" Go. Before she makes you find a hotel room. "

" This conversation is not over, Derek. " he pokes a finger in the middle of his chest as he makes for the stairs.

" Just so you know, Archer, I'm on your side here. We both want her to be safe. " Derek calls after him, but he pretends not to hear because it's easier to blame him for everything.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He's up before the alarm, he turns it off to avoid waking up Addie, who is exhausted these days.

But she hates waking up late, because it makes her feel lazy all day, so he lets her have a just a couple minutes more before he wakes her.

He props himself up on one arm and looks down at Addison, tangled in more than her share of the covers, but he's used to it by now.

Her hair is spilling across her face, brilliant red against creamy skin, and he tucks it behind her ear to brush a kiss across her lips.

It's rare for her to still be asleep after he wakes up ; years ago, in residency, much to his bewilderment, she seemed to have developed an ability to survive on four hours of sleep.

And this was the way she woke him most mornings, butterfly kisses so light he pretended to not feel them, growing more and more insistent until he couldn't resist anymore.

" Morning, Dr. Shepherd. " she whispers against his lips, turning away teasingly.

" Mmm. Morning, Dr. Shepherd. " he says, it always sends a little thrill through him, the fact that she chose to take his name.

" Feeling better ? "

" Lots better. " she says playfully, kicking aside the covers to wrap her legs around his waist and pull him closer.

" Clearly. " he makes inroads down her jaw, trailing kisses down her neck and across her collarbones until she slides nimble fingers into his boxers and makes short work of any semblance of control he had.

He traps both hands above her head with one of his, pulls down the straps of her nightgown agonisingly slowly, knowing he's driving her crazy.

" _Derek_ ."

" Patience, darling. " He kisses her to shut her up, skimming his free hand up her thigh and making her squirm, fingers brushing lightly against damp satin.

She tries to free her hands, realises she's not calling the shots this morning and gives up and lets him kiss her, her tongue tracing his lips , catches his lower lip between her teeth with just the slightest pressure.

 _Always in such a hurry._

He tosses the nightgown onto a chair, hooks a finger in the waistband of her panties and slides them down her legs , drags the covers over their bodies because it's cold and she starts to shiver.

She pulls him down impatiently, those dangerous fingers finding their mark, guides him into her, her hips moving against his in a rhythm that is deliciously familiar.

He slows her down, hands fisting in her hair , thrusting slowly, deeply, until she melts in his arms, overwhelmed with sensation and weak with desire, pushes her over the edge and muffles her cry in his shoulder, follows soon after as her muscles tighten around him, loses himself in her warmth.

Afterwards they lay intertwined, one of her legs between his, her head on his chest , fingers drawing idle patterns on his skin.

" That was some wake up call. " she pants, shoulders shaking with laughter.

" Better than the alarm clock, huh? "

" Much. But was slower than the alarm clock. "

" Slow is good sometimes. "

" So is fast. " she says, the wicked grin bringing back memories of on call rooms and linen closets and dorm rooms and sometimes even at home, because they never could keep their hands off each other.

" Fast is excellent too. " he agrees, as she hovers over him, lips working their magic as she moves steadily lower.

There's a bang from the kitchen that ruins the mood; she flops against him, chin resting in the dip between his collarbones.

" Archer. I forgot about him. " he grumbles, trying to slide her off his body, because the last thing he needs is for Archer to walk in on them.

" Wish I could. " she says, tumbling onto the bed with a huff.

" Come on, Addie, you know he's here because he worries about you. "

" No, he's here for a surprise inspection because he has to fulfill some big - brotherly ideal he has in his head ."

" He loves you. In his own way. "

He's the only member of Addison's family who he has ever been a constant in her life since he met her ; the only one he thinks looks out for her even if there's nothing in it for him, because Bizzy only calls when she needs to show off her daughter at some luncheon or ball, and the Captain checks in erratically, usually with a request to cover for him with his wife while he jets off to France or wherever the hell he is these days.

They presumably still don't know their daughter no longer lives in New York; they correspond through emails and Addison isn't exactly forthcoming with details.

" I know, I know. I'd better get down there before he sets the house on fire. "

He lets her have the shower first, drags on some clothes and finds Archer in the kitchen making coffee.

" Why can't you just have a normal French press ? I've seen planes with less knobs and buttons. " he complains, gesticulating at the coffee - making monstrosity in a way that reminds him of his sister.

He's never actually had to deal with it before, because Addie always sets it before he wakes up.

" Er. . . . Addison says it's time saving. " he jabs randomly at buttons and jumps a little when it lets out a puff of steam.

" Whatever. "

He takes down the jar of instant coffee he's secreted on a shelf, away from Addie's judgement of his caffeine sources.

" This do for you ? "

Archer makes a face identical to his sister, but agrees, slumping at the breakfast nook with his handsome head in his hands.

" You didn't spend the night here, did you. " he asks, wondering if Mark might just have competition as the manwhore of the family.

" No. "

" Who was it. "

" When did you turn into such a girl, Shepherd ? S'none of your business. "

He smirks as he slides a steaming mug under his brother - in-laws hungover face.

" Don't let her catch you looking like that. "

" Don't act like you care what she feels. "

He yanks back his offering, trying hard to resist the temptation to throw it in Archer's arrogant expression.

" When, Archer Montgomery, will you realise that I love your sister, that I always have, and I always will, and that she loves me too, even if you don't like it ? "

" Oh, you _love_ her, is that why you put her through literal hell this past year - that's why you moved across the country, ignored her calls for months, and when she uprooted her while life, left behind everything she'd loved and achieved in New York, that's why you carried on screwing your little intern right in front of her, that's why, isn't it. " he says derisively, his eyes raking over him, telling him he's not good enough and never will be .

" You don't know anything about anything that happened between us, Archer, you don't know what it was like, before - "

" Before she fucked Mark ? " Archer leans in closer and he smell the liquor on his breath, strong, like the language that makes him flinch, because the Montgomery family does not lose control like this .Ever.

" Archer, mind your - "

" Language ? Shut up. She fucked him, that's all it was, believe me, don't you think I'd rather she was with Mark than you ?

Mark's from our world, he gets her, he's s million times better for her than _you_ , because you can _love_ her all you want but the truth is that you're not the same.

She's a Forbes Montgomery, it's not just a name, it's a legacy - "

 _Of cheaters and liars and fake pretty smiles, of obligation and silence._

" - and even though I have no idea why, you're the one she loves. "

He stares at the bleary eyed man in front of him, the man who, the first time he met him, in med school, asked him point blank to _" keep your greedy paws off my sister. "_

" Close your mouth. You're her one, her one like in all the bullshit crap poems, not Mark, even if she was messed up enough at the time to think that maybe he was .

I know you're her one, because I've _never_ seen her so relaxed and happy and so trusting with anybody else.

What I _don't_ know, is why you left her alone, why you ignored her and made her feel worthless and alone, before she went and did what she's learned from me and from our father.

Because you know, you _know_ , that she has mommy issues and daddy issues and abandonment issues and probably a few I've given her myself, you _know_ she doesn't open up, she doesn't share, and that the one thing in this world that scares the living hell out of Addison is being alone.

She's always hated it, you know, she'd sneak into my room when she was a kid and Bizzy and the Captain were away, she's always thought she's not good enough to make someone want to come back.

So why did you let your marriage fall apart to the point where you drove her to do what she'd managed not to for eleven years ? "

He's silent for a moment, digesting the image of a scared little redhead in her brother's bed, cursing her parents for ruining her the way they did.

" You don't know, do you. She didn't want to tell anyone. Didn't want the sympathy, didn't want everyone watching her like she's about to go crazy. "

" She prefers to do that in private, if I recall correctly. Are you going to explain yourself or just sit there and be cryptic ? "

He sighs; this isn't his story to tell but it's the only way to get Archer of his back and he doesn't want Addie to have to tell him , because that would bring back too many painful memories.

" She had a miscarriage. In New York. Before we ... fell apart. Ectopic pregnancy. Never had a chance.

But she blamed herself, as she does, and she pushes me away, and I let her, and before we knew it we'd forgotten how to even be the way we were before it happened.

And it's like there was this massive ... rift, clichéd, I know, but that's what it felt like, and it got wider and wider and it was easier to let it than to reach across it and try to fix it.

And I caught them in bed together, and it was like she was letting him do what she wouldn't accept from me, letting him make her feel better, forget it for a little bit, so I left.

Because I thought she'd be be better off with him, for the same reasons you do - " and anger surges up inside him, white hot.

" - so don't talk to me about being wrong for her.

Because I'm what she chose, she's many things but stupid isn't one of them.

She's generous and kind and giving and selfless, and she is these things _despite_ you people. That's the biggest mistake you've made with her; you assume she's like you, but she's not.

And she's strong, too strong for her own good , because she doesn't know when to atop pushing herself, she's never known how to let someone help. "

Archer snags back the cup of coffee. " And this, now, this pregnancy. Twins, Shepherd, do you know the risks, the stress on her heart, - "

" I do. So does she, obviously. This is a choice she made. "

" And you'rejust _okay_ with it, you're okay with the fact that she chose to take this risk, because she could - "

He holds up his hand to stop him saying the word they both know is hanging in the air between them.

" It's conditional. She comes first. "

" And she took that well, did she. "

" About as well as you can imagine, yeah. "

Archer looks at him a long while, expressionless and inscrutable.

He's always been able to read the thoughts in Addison's eyes, but Archer is better trained than his sister and he has no idea what could possibly be happening in his head.

" You're getting the hang of it, aren't you Shepherd. " he says finally , claps him on the shoulder.

" You're a good man. Just make sure you don't hurt her. "

 ** _Review, please ?_**


	32. Chapter 30 pt 2

**_ADDISON'S POV_**

" Where's Derek ? "

" Good morning, Addie. "

" Good morning, whatever, where's Derek ?"

" Walk. "

She sits down opposite her brother and allows herself a sip from his cup. " What the hell is this ? "

He shrugs. " Derek couldn't figure out how to work the space station over there, so I have this. "

She rolls her eyes, reaches over and presses a little silver button; a stream of coffee pours out into the mug she holds under its spout. " You weren't here last night, were you. "

" Nope. "

" Is there any point asking where you were ? "

He smirks. " Not really. I came back, though, didn't I? "

" Why? Why are you here, now, Archer , you never came , not once, not in New York when everything was falling apart, not once in Seattle after I moved here, so why now ?"

" I missed you. " he says, smiling as he looks at her. " I always do. "

" Like hell you did. Tell me why you're really here, and you're not clairvoyant, so don't tell me you knew I was pregnant. "

" You know me too well. Okay, but first of all I came because I really did miss you. You disappeared, Addie, you were there one minute and the next you were just gone.

You didn't call, you didn't email - "

" - I replied to yours. "

" - and you know I'm not good at staying out of your life, so when I heard about you and Derek getting back together, I flew out. Thought you'd want me to . "

" Archie, don't get me wrong, I miss you too, but how is you being here going to make things any better? If anything, you'll make things _worse_ by being your usual snobby self. "

He kicks her lightly under the table. " Takes one to know one. "

" You were going to tell me why you really came . "

" I will. But first, this whole baby situation. Are you sure? "

" Archer, I'm more sure of this than I've been of anything in my life, I've wanted this for years, and just when we'd finally given up, I find out I'm pregnant with twins.

This isn't the sort of blessing you pass up ."

" _Blessing_ ? Really, Addie , you're talking about blessings now, because we're WASPs, we only go to church on Christmas, and I know for a fact you've been avoiding even that for a few years now. "

" Fine. It's a biological miracle, if that makes you feel better. "

" Jesus, kid, use that big brain of yours. You aren't the most highly regarded in your field for nothing; this could _kill_ you. "

" Oh for gods sake, Archer, stop lecturing me like I'm seven years old. Do you think I don't know that, that I haven't thought out every possibility and scenario? I have.

And it's a risk I'm willing to take, because I know I can do this. "

" You can't predict that ! "

" Come on, Archie, think about it. Maybe one of them will look like you. "

She can see he's trying not to do exactly that. " There are other ways. "

" If someone says _other ways_ to me one more time, I'm going to kill them. "

"You know what ? No. I'm not letting you do this, I'm not letting you put yourself in danger just do you can - "

She lets him rant, because she knows she's taking a massive risk, she knows the consequences it could have.

And Archer has always been her indulgent overprotective older brother, her confidante, her shield and her biggest supporter.

And this is something entirely out if his hands , and she can see he's scared.

She's always seen him as the brother who carried her home; he has always been the one to take of her, rather than the other way round.

She slides onto the stool next to him and rests her head on his shoulder. " Archie. Calm down. "

He puts an arm around her shoulders, voice hoarse. " I can't lose you, Addie. You're all I've got ."

" You won't. "

" You have Derek, he's the love of your life, and I'm finally convinced that your his. You have Mark, he's your - I don't know, but he'll always be there for you. And you have Richard and Adele here, and everyone at your hospital, but I just have you.

If you die, I'm left with nothing and no one, if you die, I don't know who's going to have my back, who's going to run interference with Bizzy, who's going to sort out the Captains messes, who's going to kick my ass when I'm wrong and support me when I'm right .

You're all I have, kid, so please, _please_ , don't die on me. "

" I'm not going to die, Archie. Stop being so sentimental, you'll hurt Bizzy's feelings. "

" Just. ... take care of yourself. Don't do anything heroic, and - keep in touch. "

" Wait - you're leaving? "

" In the afternoon. I just wanted to see you're all good. There's a surprise for you this evening. "

She snuggles under his arm , a sudden pang of nostalgia hitting her. " Ooh, what is it? "

His arm tightens around her shoulder. " You'll see. Be patient. "

" You flew out from New York just to make sure I was okay ? "

" Brotherly duty. " he mumurmurs, dropping a kiss on her head.

" Aw, I love you too. When you're being this nice. " she teases, mussing his hair . " Is that the reason you came weren't telling me ? "

" Yeah. It's time you knew this, but now, with the pregnancy, I'm not sure. ..."

" What is it? Is it bad ? " he sits up, grabs him by the shoulders. " What is it? "

" Calm down, don't freak . Just remember I love you and that you need to know this, and Derek knows what's going on, so he's at the hospital, he's giving you some space.

And if you don't want to tell them about the pregnancy, that's your choice, I won't get in the way of that. Also you should go get dressed. "

" Archer, what - oh my god, they're coming, aren't they. You _ass_ , you've been sitting there, goddamn it, you couldn't _tell_ me ? "

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

It's getting dark, crickets chirping, stars beginning to come out in the velvety gray sky, when he gets home, but none of the lights are on.

 _What did they do this time?_

She's not in the living room, the kitchen, her office , in any of the bedrooms.

He finally finds her on the deck, curled in an adirondack chair, an afghan wrapped around her legs.

" Addie? "

Nothing.

He drops his bag on the deck, lays a tentative hand on her shoulder. " Addie. Is everything okay ? "

" She's been like that a while. "

" Wh - Bizzy ? "

His mother in law walks up behind him, the same as she'd been the last time he'd seen her, not a hair out of place, drink in hand.

" Hello, Derek. Good to see you again. "

" Where's the Captain ? "

" Booked himself into a hotel. " she takes a ladylike sip of her sherry, clicks her way into the living room on heels that are the beginning and end of any similarities between mother and daughter.

" What happened here? I gave you space like Archer asked me to, I come back and she's like this, for gods sake, Bizzy, what did you do to her this time . "

She sets her empty glass on the bar, no doubt expecting some servant will materialise and take it away.

" She's not being very reasonable. She'll get over it. "

" Get over _what_ ? "

" I'll let her tell you that. " Bizzy whispers, and as she reaches for her purse he sees what might be shame on her features, so like her daughter's but devoid of Addison's warmth .

" Bizzy - "

" Good night, Derek . I'll see you tomorrow. "

" Where are you going, you can stay here, Addie wanted you to - "

" Addison would prefer not to have us here tonight, I think. I'll be at the Archfield is she comes to her senses and wants to apologise for her behaviour , Susan has made the arrangements. "

And before his brain can coordinate with his mouth, she's gone, heels clicking purposefully across the deck, and he can hear a car start up and pull out of the drive.

Not once does she turn back and look at the slight figure on the chair.

He remembers the first time his mother met Bizzy, almost two years after he started dating Addison, she'd been in a state of near shock for hours afterward.

 _" She's a lovely girl, Derek, really, and she clearly loves you, but my god, that woman."_

 _" It's okay, Ma , Addie warned us she'd be this way. It's just how she is. "_

 _" Oh, that poor child. It must have been awful, growing up with such a cold mother, all alone in that horrible house. "_

 _" You weren't calling it horrible when we drove in here. "_

 _" Oh, it's beautiful to look at, honey, but really, don't you feel a little like you're in a museum inside it ? "_

Maybe that's why Addison decorated this house herself the way she did, warm colors and rugs and prints, all open spaces and windows.

It's a home, not a house, every detail personal and deliberated over, every choice a labor of love.

He lays beside her on the lounger, notices she's shivering slightly.

" Addie, sweetie, you're cold, you should come inside. "

She shakes her head silently, turns to face him, fingers curling into his shirt.

Her eyes are glassy but dry, she stares somewhere beyond his shoulder, unseeing.

" Did you argue with Bizzy again ? " he asks, stroking her hair gently.

Another shake of the head.

" The Captain ? Archer ? "

" Archie left. " she says, sounding slightly surprised.

At last, actual words.

" Did he say something to you ? "

 _Damn it, Archer, just when I was starting to like you._

" No. No one said anything. For all these years, not a word. No one said a word. "

" About what ? "

She hiccups with mirth. " My whole life was a lie. Can you believe it, I spent thirty nine years - god, I'm thirty nine - hating the wrong person ?

I mean, seriously, how stupid could I have been. I protected the one who was responsible for my whole fucked up childhood, the one who never wanted me in the first place - "

He flinched a little at the language, because Addison never swears, unless she's drunk, and in fifteen years this is the first time he's heard her swear sober.

But this is clearly a day when none of the Montgomery family are themselves, so he just holds her close and listens.

" - and I spent all those years hating the wrong parent, the only one who loved me, I pushed him away ." she finishes, laughing uncontrollably now.

 _Jesus, it's bad, it's really bad._

" Addison, honey, you're making absolutely no sense right now, what happened here today ? "

" My mother's a lesbian . " she screams, breathless with laughter, shaking her head, tears rolling down her cheeks .

" My mommy's a whore so that's why my daddy's a whore and my brother's a whore too , and for a while so was I .

We should be in some sort of world records thing , shouldn't we , haha, imagine that.

Finest dynasty of whores, liars , cheaters and and secret keepers extraordinaire. "

 _Bizzy's a **what** ? _

And she lets it all out, desperate laughter turning to choking sobs.

How they thought she should know, because the Captain thought she'd been ignoring his correspondence when in reality it was piling up at the New York address where they no longer lived.

How he'd dragged Bizzy out here to tell their daughter the truth that had shaped her childhood , how Archer had come before them to make sure Addison was stable enough to hear it, how he'd escaped before they got here - _I can't deal with this right now, just do it for me, would you ?_

How she'd been happy to see them, she'd put them in two rooms, Bizzy and her father in one, Susan in the other.

They were going to lunch, she was going to tell them about the pregnancy.

They'd gone upstairs to change, she'd heard voices from Susans' room and panicked because Bizzy was right down the hall and it was second nature to her to coordinate her father's affairs so her mother didn't notice them, but this was Susan, who she'd known for years and loved like a friend and it was too dangerous, too close to home, so she'd wrenched open the door and caught the wrong parent with their pants down.

And she'd shut the door like she always did, _Montgomeries look the other way when it's none of our business_ , the Captain had hightailed it out of there _to give you girls some space_ .

And she relates Bizzy's parting shot in a creditable imitation of her voice, " _I had children, that's why I stayed , because that's what you do for your children. I threw birthday parties and I smiled and I pretended because that's what was expected of me. I never wanted my life to be this way, didn't expect to be saddled with two children and a husband, but I stayed anyway, and it's not something you'll ever understand. Because you're not a mother, Addison, you'll never be a mother. "_

 ** _Should I divide this fic into parts? It's getting a bit long isn't it._**

 ** _Review , pretty please?_**


	33. Chapter 31

**_Thanks to all the usual faithful reviewers !_** ** _Enjoy ._**

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He's woken, as he has been so many times before, by the sound of Addison's hair dryer in the bathroom.

 _It's six in the morning._

" Addie? " he peeks tentatively around the bathroom door, wondering what happened between last night and this morning , because he had to practically carry his near - catatonic wife to bed last night .

 _Because Bizzy is a lesbian and the world is ending._

" **_ADDIE_**." he bellows, his voice finally cutting through the roar of the dryer.

" Don't yell. " she sniffs, turning it off.

" It's six in the morning, Addison, where are you going ? "

" I have a meeting at seven ."

" With who? "

" Someone. "

" About? "

" Work. "

 _Jesus._

" All right, I'll drive you. " he sighs, because this is the second stage of parental induced shock ; excessive normalcy.

The first stage is catatonia, the third is tears and yelling, but it usually takes a few days.

He knows this because she goes through them every time her parents descend on her life and then vanish again.

" You don't have to. "

" It's okay, I have a surgery too at eight and I know you have your omphalocele repair today and you've been stressed about it. You can read in the car. "

She gives him a small smile. " Thanks. "

" That's all I get ? " he asks, pulling gently at the tie of her robe.

" For now. " she says, turning back to the mirror, and he notices she looks drained.

" Still not feeling better ? " he murmurs, rubbing her back and feeling completely useless.

" I haven't puked up my guts yet this morning, so that's something. I'll talk to Fields today. "

" Fields? "

" My new OB attending. I'm thinking of getting her to cover my obstetrics service and take over as head of department while I'm on leave. "

He tenses a little; he's been wondering how to broach the topic for a while now. " About that... when _are_ you going on leave? "

" I don't know... I still need replacements for head of Neonatal and Chief, there are a million loose ends ."

" How do you plan to choose the new Chief ? "

She picks up her hairbrush and flips her head upside down, her voice muffled by a curtain of red. " Derek, you know I can't - "

" For gods sake, Addison, don't tell me it would look like favoritism if you gave it to me. "

" Not favoritism. Nepotism. "

" You _know_ it was supposed to be mine if -"

" - I hadn't shown up and ruined everything ? " she questions, righting herself and glaring at him , eyes suspiciously bright.

 _Oh, Addie._

" No, no, I didn't mean that, sweetheart, of course not. Come here. " He engulfs her in a hug, the heat of her freshly dried hair seeping through his flannel pajamas.

" Sorry ." she mutters, swiping almost angrily at the offending moisture.

" Hormones .They make me so. ... emotional."

" I'm sorry too. You do what you need to and take off on leave as soon as possible, get some rest, you'll feel better. " he kisses her head, gets snapped in the lip with static.

" Oh shit. " she mutters, the flannel of his shirt and her blow dried hair has combined to make her hair stick out in all directions like she's been electrocuted.

" Can I h- " he reaches out to pat it into place, hiding a smile.

" _No._ " she wails, swatting him away. " Just go get ready, I don't want to be late. "

He escapes into the shower, trying not to think of the mornings they used to share one to " save water ."

He emerges showered , dressed and ready to go fifteen minutes later, to find Addison in the kitchen looking flawless again in what he refers to as her ' battle gear ' , because she wears it to intimidate - pointier than usual heels, a sleek black dress that probably costs as much as a small car , her mouth a slash of red and her hair razor straight and glossy enough to almost see his reflection in.

" You look nice. " he ventures, because this is part of stage two, the killer shoes and everything else a sartorial coping mechanism.

" Thank you. " she ducks around him to grab a mug and a glass ; coffee for him, that vile green liquid for her.

" You're giving up coffee? " he asks, worrying about her sanity. And his .

" You want two headed children? " she sips her drink, evidently undisturbed by its taste.

 _Coffee and alcohol are her major food groups, or is she going off food entirely ?_

" Eggs? " he asks, half out of his chair.

" Derek. Sit down and stop pretending you can cook, and for gods sake stop clucking over me like a hen or I swear to god I will stab you in the OR. "

 _Hormones,_ he tells himself, and lets it roll off.

They're ten minutes late anyway, because he makes her eat a piece of toast and she makes him wait outside the bathroom door until she's sure it isn't coming back up again, which it does, and then she insists on fixing her makeup, and then blames him for making her late.

He sighs, kisses her patiently and reminds himself he isn't the one growing two human beings.

" So how's it going with your omphalocele case ? " he asks, knowing she's done the procedure perfectly hundreds of times before, but this is slightly more complicated.

Not so much because the baby is so sick, that's something she'll have no trouble with, but because this is the Brandons' child, the same couple who had nearly sued her for malpractice after their son was born with severe defects even after the in- utero surgery he'd assisted her on.

The lawsuit was dismissed as ' frivolous ' , which is exactly what it was, because their son may not be able to walk, but without Addison he would have had seizure disorders, possibly leading to brain damage .

She'd done nothing wrong, but the threat of the lawsuit had shaken her badly, made her doubt her abilities and question her skills.

He hopes he doesn't see the Brandons today ; after everything they did to her, he can't believe they've come crawling back the second time around.

Not that they had a choice; Addison is probably their child's only hope.

" Derek, if I screw this up again, ..."

" They'll try and sue you again, you'll win, but that's not happening, because my wife is a world class surgeon and messing up is not in her list of abilities. "

" Thank you, honey, but _look_ at this mess, he has a 77 cm defect, and pulmonary stenosis, an aortic ventral septal defect and an overriding aorta on top of the fact that nearly all his bowel and his whole damn liver are on the outside of his body. "

" You've seen worse. "

" The stakes have never been this high, Derek, if I don't wrangle a miracle in that OR today it'll be all over the news tomorrow ; the surgeon who maimed not one but _two_ kids and ruined a family. "

" You didn't _maim_ that child, Addison, you saved him from a lifetime of misery. The defects in his spine were too severe; there was never a chance of normal motor function and you told them that after the second ultrasound you did.

I can't imagine why you're doing this for them anyway, you could have sent them to some other surgeon . "

" The others all turned them down, even Herman. "

" Herman as in Nicole Herman? General Sherman Herman? "

" Don't call her that, she's really nice. "

" She's so tall everyone else around her OR table has to tiptoe. " he snorts, and she laughs reluctantly.

" On the bright side we have the seven week ultrasound today. " she says happily, bouncing in her seat.

" And then you can go nuts shopping for baby clothes ? "

" And we can tell everyone! Just imagine your mother's face, she's been after us for years. "

" She's coming in two weeks. " he realises, feelfeeling suddenly weak. " And all my sisters - are you _sure_ you don't want to cancel ?"

" _I_ don't. It'll be fun to see them all, I missed them. "

" Yeah well, they all like you better. "

" They can't help it, my sparkling personality is hard to resist. " she smirks, pouting prettily at him and batting her lashes .

" That it is. " he agrees, guiding the car onto the ferry and following her up onto the deck because she wants some fresh air.

" Oh look, it's Mark - and is that -"

\- Little Grey. " he mutters, astounded.

" Pay up, loser. " she holds out her hand gleefully. " He did it, he got her to move in with him. "

" Are you two actually betting on me now ? " Mark demands, annoyed, sidling up behind them and looking Addison from top to toe wth a slightly alarmed expression.

" Why are you dressed like - " He stops talking with an _oof_ as he jams a toe into his foot, muttering _Bizzy_ under his breath.

" _What?_ I thought it was only Archer, I saw him when I left the other night. " Mark hisses furiously so only he can hear, rubbing his foot.

" Later. " he hisses back, cutting his eyes to Addison, chattering a mile a minute with Lexie , who looks utterly terrified to be in the presence of three attendings at once, one of them the Chief of Surgery, without so much as a pager to save her.

" Mark, is my skin graft ready? " she asks suddenly, turning her eyes to him.

" Whenever you want it, your Highness. I've grown _skin_ , like _god._ "

" Please don't get him started again. " Lexie begs , making them all laugh, and Mark cracks jokes about his divine skills all the way to the dock.

 ** _EARLIER THAT MORNING_**

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He jolts awake suddenly, acutely aware of the fact that he is naked.

He goes through his usual morning orientation - _Whose bed ? (mine , thank god. ) Clothes ? ( No.) Hangover? ( Yes.) Girl ?_

" Lexie? " he croaks, wondering if he's still asleep.

" Good morning. "

She's sitting on top of his bed fully dressed, leafing through what looks like a photo album. " Are you actually planning to, you know, unpack these boxes? "

He stares at her uncomprehendingly. She definitely wasn't here last night when he went to bed.

In fact, he doesn't know how she found out where he lives, because at the time of her little _teach me_ drama, he'd been living in a rented apartment. And all the time they spent together used to be at that frat house of Grey's .

" How'd you get here? "

She looks slightly embarrassed. " Well, George knows where Callie lives because he used to be like married to her but now she lives with Arizona and he's in love with Izzie but she's in love with Alex who _she's_ married to so he's not married to Callie anymore and he won't acknowledge I exist but he told me that you live across the hall from Callie . "

He blinks slowly , because half a bottle of scotch last night does nothing for his cognition. " So...George told you. "

" Basically, yes. "

" What's that ? " he points to the album in her lap.

" I don't know, I found it in that box - "she points vaguely to one halfway across the room. " - it's mostly photos of you. "

He struggles to put on some clothes without letting her see anything, which is ridiculous, since she's already seen it all.

But she did refuse to move in with him when he asked her yesterday .

" I put your clothes in the closet. " she says helpfully as he fumbles with his shirt.

" You don't have to do that. "

" I put mine in there too. "

 _Is it true, what they say about high IQ levels and eccentricity?_

" Why, Lex ? "

" Because. " she says simply. " I'm moving in with you. I wasn't ready - when you asked me before, it was a total surprise, and I freaked. But I'm ready now, and even if you're older and you're my boss and because you love me even though I don't do anything except hurt you and wreck your life , I love you. "

" Little Grey, if you aren't sure, if you need more time - "

" I'm _sure_. And my name is Lexie, not little Grey. "

He holds his arm out to her. " Pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming. "

She does, with gusto, laughing when he yelps in pain.

" Okay, I'm definitely awake now. " he swings his legs off the bed, heading for the bathroom.

" Where are you going? I moved in with you, don't I at least get morning sex? " she calls after him, curious.

" Oh, we can have all the sex you want, just not now - I have to get to the hospital before Addie to check on that skin graft of hers or she'll skin _me_ , she's as wound up about this Brandon case as I've ever seen her, she's seeing lawsuits everywhere ."

" Well, what they did to her the last time was really mean. " she points out. " Why is she doing them another favor anyway ? "

" She's a closet masochist. " he says, cursing as he cuts himself shaving. " And a total dictator with her staff during a tough surgery. "

" Oh joy. I'm on her service today ! " she yells above the sound of the water.

" Get moving if you want to keep your job. " he advises, sticking his wet head around the door.

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

It's eight am and she's scrubbed and ready, meeting over with and its goal achieved; now she's alone in the OR, taking these precious few moments of solitude to run through the procedure in her mind.

 _" What's Montgomery -Shepherd doing ?_

The intercom must be on. It's Meredith Grey, she sees from the corner of her eye; evidently this surgery has sold out the gallery.

 _" Running the procedure in her mind. "_ says Karev, sounding awed.

 _" She's like some kind of surgical god. "_ Yang, sounding jealous.

She stops the seemingly random movement of her hands above the table and looks up.

" Shut up and scrub in, you're not going to learn much up there. " she calls, smiling inwardly at their mortified expressions.

" All of them? " Izzie groans as she approaches the table; she'd nearly cried when she'd told her she would be first assist on this surgery.

" They can watch from down here and stutter at questions, it'll be fun. "

" Oh. I was kinda jealous , I don't want to share this surgery. "

" Nice, Stevens, you've got a little shark in you at last. "

" Alex is rubbing off on me. " she grins. "You too. "

" I'm sharky ? " she laughs.

" No, you're - focused. On what you want. You, like, focus on it like a laser and you _go_ for it, I wish I could be that confident. "

 _If you only knew what a mess I was twelve hours ago,_ she thinks privately.

She's not confident - if she were, she wouldn't have avoided the Brandons ' room this morning, going instead to the NICU to check on the baby.

She's not focused - if she were, she wouldn't be hearing Bizzy's voice echoing in her head like some twisted conscience, _you'll never be a mother ._

The rest of the residents traipse in, arranging themselves as far as possible from her line of sight but jockeying to get a good view of the surgical field.

" Okay, everyone. Ten blade please. " she gestures to the nurse to hit play ; her tried and tested playlist she's had on repeat since her year as chief resident fills the OR .

She positions her hand, looks up at the crowded gallery and the duckling row of residents before her.

" Stevens. How do I begin ? "

" Sorry, Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd? ". She was clearly expecting to spend hours retracting and suctioning, not being interrogated.

" How do I begin, Dr. Stevens ? "

" Uh. . . " she falters under the look she's giving her; underpreparedness is not something she tolerates in her OR.

" Measure bladder pressure. " Karev says, shifting his weight and avoiding his wife's eyes.

 _I'm not going to go to work everyday with a surgeon like you and stand in your OR and be anything less than over prepared._

" Thank you, Karev. Switch with Stevens. " she hopes she hasn't decimated their marital harmony, but Stevens learns better with the tough love technique.

" Foley. " The scrub nurse drops one into her open palm.

" Read. " she orders Karev.

" 10 centimetres. "

" H2O or Hg, Karev, come on. "

" H2O. " he says confidently, earning an approving glance that makes him beam like a little kid.

" Now what? "

" Dissect the skin from the fascia and omphalocele attachments. " Stevens butts in when her husband falters.

" Welcome back, Stevens. " they swap again, Izzie smug, Alex annoyed.

" Grey, suction, don't fall asleep. " she snaps at Lexie, who looks slightly lost.

" What next ? "

" Release the fascia and reduce the viscera. " Izzie says, getting into her stride.

" Wrong. Get out. Anyone? Notice anything ? "

She knows she's driving them hard, but this is necessary so she knows where they each stand in this cutthroat race so she can flog them accordingly hard before she leaves; nothing would be more embarrassing than leaving behind a crop of green incompetent residents.

" You think you're surgeons? News flash, you're not yet. Unless one of you can tell me what is wrong here I'll keep working with no explanation and you can stand there. "

Nothing.

" That's a midgut malrotation, isn't it, and it's corrected with a Ladds procedure ." pipes Lexie, causing the whole gallery and OR floor turn eyes on her.

" It is. " she murmurs softly.

 _Mark chooses well._

She lets Lexie lean in like a favored child as she neatly divides the connective tissue bands of the intestines, widens the mesentary , excises the appendix, repositions the colon and rectum.

" Now ? "

" Reposition the large bowel. " Yang says, true to her reputation as a brown nosing savant.

" Step up, Yang. Which side's it go on? "

" Right? "

" Are you asking me or telling me ? You're wrong anyway, step away. "

She moves the tiny organ to the left, restoring order within the abdomen, only slightly bigger than her palm.

Mark comes in then , swaggering up to her table with his usual bravado , changing her music and hitting on her nurses.

" I've got the graft, milady , the one I grew like - "

" -God." she and Lexie chorus , momentarily dispelling the tense atmosphere.

" Okay, now what? " She can see Derek making his way into the gallery now, winking at her.

Silence, which is exactly what she expected. They're in over their heads now.

" I'm going to access the lateral margins of the rectii and make two longitudinal incisions - bovie, Stevens, get those bleeders - and dissect the muscles from the peritoneum. "

She lets her hands move on autopilot, muscle memory kicking in.

" Pressure ? " she says again, rechecks the bladder pressure after she's put all the organs where they are supposed to be.

She approximates the muscles and fascia to the midline, eyeing the vitals, willing them to stay stable.

" Mesh. " she closes the gaping hole in the baby's abdomen with metal mesh, patch and daub and hope he doesn't fall apart.

" Four - oh prolene. " she sutures in the graft with tiny deft movements, delicate because the slightest slip draws blood.

" Stevens, irrigate. What fluid should you be using ? "

" Keflin? "

She ignores the question mark quirking the end of her answer. " Why? "

" Come on, Addie, you accuse me of abusive behaviour and beat them black and blue in your OR ? " Mark cuts in.

" Shut up or leave. " she says to him, turning back to Stevens. " Come on, you know this."

She ducks her head and steps away, handing over the suction to Lexie, who swallows, looking almost embarrassed and opens her mouth.

" It's a cephalosporin and reduces infection rates. "

" Hey there, Lexipedia. " Mark says proudly.

" Right, Grey . How do I close ? "

" Four - oh prolene for the fascial sutures. " she says correctly.

She holds out her palm for it and gently draws the tissues together, literally putting him back together.

" Four - oh nylon. " she requests for the skin sutures, waves away the material when the nurse holds it out.

She knits the skin together along about quarter of the incision , then beckons for Stevens to finish.

" Whoever answers my next question gets to drop the NG tube. " she says, watches them buckle down mentally.

" Name a genetic condition where omphalocele are commonly seen and one other symptom and its all yours. "

" Shprintzen - Goldmans' syndrome. " Meredith answers instantly, speaking for the first time in nearly three hours. " Also called marfanoid craniosynostosis syndrome. "

" Well done, Grey. Go to town. "

She watches her thread the tiny tube through an even tinier nostril and into the baby's stomach, brow furrowed in concentration.

" Easy does it ; be gentle, the tissues are delicate and you could cause damage easily. " she steadies the younger woman's hand, wondering idly if she learned that condition from Derek.

" Okay. "

She's just turned away from the table, ready to go face the Brandons and tell them their son is doing well, when every monitor behind her goes off simultaneously, and she whirls back around to see Meredith yanking the tube back frantically, blood spurting through it and onto her gown, dark as rubies in the bluish light.

 ** _Please please please if you ever liked one chapter in this freakishly long fic, please review._** ** _Also, Slexie, finally._**


	34. Chapter 32

**_Thank you thank you THANK YOU_** **_for all the lovely amazing reviews I got on the last chapter; I'm getting email notifications but they won't show up under my story. Any ideas why ?_**

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

" What's happening, what did I do? " Meredith demands, terrified, her voice shrill, the way it gets when she's scared.

" Move. " Addison orders, sharp and brisk. " What _happened ?_ You caused a gastric perforation, that's what happened. "

She extends her hand for the scalpel, working lightning-quick to undo her earlier work, Mark stepping neatly into Stevens ' place because a single pair of experienced hands is better than two pairs of nervous ones.

" Jesus. " Mark mutters, clipping bleeders left and right while Addison tries to salvage the stomach and drain the fluid from the abdomen. " What are you gonna do, Addie?"

" Double layer technique. "

His hands move in symphony with hers, fingers dancing around each others, anticipating each others moves with no need to talk because they know the way the other operates, they've worked together for years.

He presses his palms to the glass, trying not to be jealous of their telepathic connection.

He works well with Addison too. And with Mark.

 _So why do I wish it was me down there and not him?_

" Someone get Miranda. " Addison barks, never looking up.

" Already here. " Bailey announces from the doorway. " Grey, let's go. "

" No. I have to stay, I have to make sure he's okay. " Meredith backs further into the OR, away from Bailey.

" You've done enough. Get _out._ " Mark orders.

" I didn't mean to - "

" Who cares what you did or didn't mean? Get the hell out, Grey, this surgery was risky enough without you adding to it . "

" But - "

" Grey. Leave. What they mean is you've likely killed this child, this child whose parents have not hesitate to sue me before and will probably take my license - not yours, your just a resident - this time around, so get the fuck out of my OR and do not talk to anyone until you see a lawyer." Addison says, eerily calm and controlled.

Bailey ushers Meredith out as he thunders down the gallery steps, scrubs with furious haste and makes his way into the tense OR.

" Addie, - "

" Get out. " she says quietly, her voice cutting above the screaming monitors.

" She's got this. " Mark tells him, shaking his head gently in contradiction of his words.

" I'll stay. " he stands at the head of the table beside the anesthetist - Dr. Baker, maybe - who shakes his head too.

The baby has lost what little blood volume he had after the initial surgery, not that he had much in his tiny body to begin with, and his skin is dusky, his lips blue.

He can't begin to imagine what the sight is doing to Addison, but this baby has a right to die peacefully, without her invading his body and trying futilely to save him.

Metal clicks frantically as Addison sutures like her life depends on it, repairing Meredith ' s damage.

 _I wonder how she repaired the damage we did to **her** the first time round._

" Red, look at me. " Mark says softly.

" I can do this, I just need - "

" There's nothing left, Red, let him go. "

" Hang more blood and open up the IV. " she orders.

The OR is silent, everyone watching the debacle.

" _Now. "_ she lashes at the nurse, who scurries to do what she's told, even though she's pumping blood into a dead baby.

" Shepherd , you have to stop. " Dr. Baker tries, but she looks straight through him.

The crowd is starting to murmur, restless and critical, someone distinctly says _maybe we should call Psych_ but she doesn't hear it, or she pretends not to.

" Addie. " he steps up to her elbow, because it's his turn now. " I know it's hard, I know it reminds you of - "

" Stop talking, Dr. Shepherd. "

" SVT. " Baker announces unnecessarily, looking up at the blips racing erratically across the screen.

" Bolus six of adenosine and continue with 0.1 per kilo ." she tells him, sounding almost annoyed.

He does as he's told, glaring at Derek like it's his fault his wife is going postal.

" _Addison._ " he tries again.

She ignores him, keeps going with whatever Hail Mary she has going on.

" Asystole. " Baker says, there's no sound now except the dreaded flatline hum that is every surgeon's worst nightmare, that peculiarly mind numbing sound he swears echoes in his ears days after he hears it, haunts his dreams and colors his judgement in every surgery that follows.

" Paddles. Push 0.2 of epi. " she says calmly; the nurse shoots him a glance and he nods in confirmation because it's better not to bait her.

" Charge to 2."

" Addison, _let him go._ " Mark yells, reaching for her hand even as Derek reaches for her other.

" Get _back._ " she spits, clutching the paddles tight. " _Clear_. "

The tiny body jerks off the table, a blip arcs across the screen, an artificial contraction of an already - gone heart.

Cardioversion is a painful and unnecessary procedure; the Brandons lawyer is going to have a field day with this one.

" Dr. Montgomery, _please._ " he says, hoping the formality will get through to her.

" Charge to 4. " Again, the whine and thump of the electricity, another blip on the resolutely flat line.

" Charge to 4. " The nurse is shaking her head in disgust now .

Still nothing.

" Push another of epi. " She shocks him again, eyes trained on the monitor, shoulders stiff and rigid, hunched like she's trying to stop someone prising the paddles from her hands.

Nothing.

" That's enough. " he says roughly, grabbing her by the elbows and yanking her away, reaching to disconnect the leads and stop that horrible whine.

" _Wait._ " she begs, her voice suddenly choked with tears.

" He's gone. " he says bluntly, wondering how much worse she's made this situation for herself.

 _Blip._

" Jesus H. Christ. " Baker mutters, staring at the monitor.

The whole gallery is crowded up against the window, everyone on the floor is watching on tiptoe and baited breath.

 _Blip._

" Come on, baby. " she coaxes, caressing a tiny pale cheek with a bloody fingertip.

" Come on. "

 _Blip._

" Holy mother of - . " Baker says wondrously. " You've done it, woman ! "

The blips accelerate, everyone lets out a collective deep breath and then everyone is screaming and laughing and there are tears

and admiring nods and Mark is saying

" Addison Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen ! "

" You know. " he murmurs in her ear, shoulder bumping her and reveling in her gasping laugh. " I did tell you my wife's amazing. "

" Is she ? " she quips, starting to close amidst the congratulatory cheers still rising from the gallery.

" Oh, definitely. She saves babies like nobody's business and she's gorgeous to boot. "

" I don't have a chance against her , do I ? " she sighs, laughing as Mark starts telling people to apologise to her.

" No, no one does, really . She's one of a kind. "

" Mmhmm? "

" Addie. I'm sorry I doubted you. "

" I'll expect a proper apology later. " she whispers, ducking close and sending tingles up his spine.

" Fine. I'll show you exactly how sorry I am. " he growls back, enjoying her little shiver.

" Get out, you're distracting me. " she says, nudges him slightly.

"Call me. Before the - "

" Of course. Now get out and go save lives, let me do my job. "

He leaves, relief coursing through his body at the save she has just pulled off .

Now all she has to do is keep that baby alive through this night, and she's in the clear.

 _The last thing we need right now is a lawsuit._

He bumps into someone sneaking out of the gallery, sends then flying into a desk.

 _"Richard?"_

" Shep. Good morning, quite the show in there, eh ? " he chuckles nervously, adjusting the ridiculous hat he's wearing.

" What are you doing here? " he asks, stifling a smile at the sight of his mentor in a hat and trench coat.

" Gettin my job back, if your wife is to be believed. I've been sat at home watching Oprah - _Oprah,_ Derek - and Adele is... busy, too, so I'm reinterviewing. For my old job ! Well- Interim Chief, anyway. "

He stares at the man who taught him how to hold a scalpel. " You're coming back ? "

" Addie asked me to come in for a meeting, it went pretty well. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about this - why the hell is she stepping down as Chief ? She worked her behind off to get this job , and she's doing great work, so what's wrong , why's she suddenly want a leave of absence? I thought she might be starting the research she's been talking about. ..."

He debates whether he should tell him or not ; this is Richard, who helped him propose to his wife, who sang at their wedding , who made them the surgeons they are today.

On the other hand, Addison hasn't told her own parents yet. Or his mother .

" Hey Richard. " she comes around the corner , dictating the op note to a trailing fellow.

" Nicely done, Addison ." he claps her on the back; he's reminded of their residency when nothing he or anyone else did could outshine Addison, she's always been his favorite.

" You taught me well. " she laughs, patting him on the shoulder. " What are you guys talking about? "

Richard starts talking before he could open his mouth . " About _why_ you're leaving the job I've trained you for to take a _leave of absence._ My Addison does not take leaves, she lives to cut and last I checked, she didn't know what a vacation was. "

" Maybe I learned. " she retorts, snapping her file shut and sending her fellow on her way.

" _You_ two are taking a _vacation_ ? " Richard guffaws. " Things are sure going crazy around here. "

He makes his way down the corridor, greeting people cheerfully left and right, still snorting with laughter at the thought of them taking a vacation.

" You could have told him, you know. " he says, leaning against the nurses station and looking up at her.

" I'm not telling anyone until that ultrasound. " she mutters, hair hiding her face.

He tucks it behind her ear. " Can we do it now? Please? "

" Derek, I wish I could, but I was supposed to be in a meeting with Hunt an hour ago to discuss the Chief position - "

" -You're considering _Hunt_ for interim chief but not your husband? "

" Don't start with me. You _know_ I can't give it to you, it would cause a riot. "

" Come on! " he yells, earning glares from the few nurses milling around.

" Shut _up_. I'm going now, I'll call you whenever I get the time to actually do the ultrasound - if you can get over yourself by then, you're welcome to come. "

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She spends the rest of the day interviewing the candidates for interim chief - so far, Richard looks like her only hope - she yells at some interns, delivers a baby, begs the board for money and fields constant questions from the Brandons, who keep popping up .

She's told them there was a complication with the surgery - she told them the whole story, the gory details and the fact that it was Meredith's mistake.

They've assured her she'll be hearing from their lawyer.

She steals Derek for lunch on the rooftop and tells him everything, needing to have someone to share the load with.

" Think they'll take it to court? " he asks , unwrapping his sandwich.

" Not if we settle. Honestly? We don't have the money, Derek, I'm running this hospital on the money patients pay us. Literally, if one patient defaults on a payment, we couldn't afford to stock drugs or supplies. "

" How'd it get this bad ? "

" It's _been_ bad for a while now, the new department Richard got me, he blew the last of the grant money on it, and we've barely just broken even."

" So if you get sued - "

" - I'll be off work, neonatal, maternal - fetal and probably OB will shut down and the hospital will go bankrupt." she sighs, leaning against the low parapet wall.

" So basically we need you to keep minting money, which means we need you to do amazing surgeries, which means that you need to work as long as possible before the twins are born, which means that you - "

" -can barely afford to go on maternity leave, let alone sit through a lawsuit. "

" So don't. Tell the truth and let whatever happens happen."

" Derek, this could ruin her career. "

" It was a simple procedure she _volunteered_ to do, Addie, what the hell else are you planning to tell that attorney? "

" There are two ways - one, I tell them Meredith screwed up, they go after her, the hospital has to pay up for legal fees and whatever settlement they reach and we probably go bankrupt, leaving every single doctor, nurse, staff member and patient here high and dry.

Two, I tell them it was my fault, they go after me, I'm out of work which shuts down not one but three departments until we get replacements _plus_ the cost of legal fees and whatever settlement they reach, we go bankrupt, -"

" I get it. Either way, we're screwed. "

" There's a third option, actually, I could settle out of court. Privately. "

" No. "

" I'm insured up my eyeballs, Derek, it would barely matter - "

" _No_ \- you're not paying out of pocket for her mistakes, I'm not letting you. "

" _Letting_ me? Since when do I need you to _let_ me do anything? "

" You can afford it, sure, but this makes you look guilty as hell, Addie, and you're not. If anything, you're the reason that child is still alive and his brother isn't crippled with seizures, far be it from those people to realise what you've done for them, but I'm not letting you dig yourself into this hole any deeper.

Get out while you still can and let Meredith face up to what she did. "

A year ago she would have danced through the hospital with glee to hear him say those words, but now they puddle in her stomach, cold and heavy.

" Derek, I can't throw a resident under the bus like that, - "

" It _wasn't your fault_. " he says fiercely, turning her chin to look at him. " Stop blaming yourself; like you say, we're not God. We can't save everyone. "

" What if it was? What if I had put in the tube, if I hadn't let her do it..."

" We're a teaching hospital, we're supposed to teach. Maybe it wouldn't have happened, maybe it would have, maybe Karev or Stevens or Yang would have screwed up too. You'll never know, so stop beating yourself up , you're supposed to be calm and peaceful, not tying yourself in knots. "

" But - "

" Shh. " he presses a kiss to her lips. " We don't know that they're going to sue at all. Until then, let's just - "

" Hope it goes away? " she mumbles, wiping mayo off his mouth because she can't stand the taste of it these days. " Yeah right. "

 ** _MEREDITH'S POV_**

She's been sitting in this library for exactly seven hours, two minutes and forty eight seconds.

Forty nine.

Fifty.

 _Stop._

She can still smell the blood, see it spray across her front, feel the tube as she yanks it back, feel Addison's shoulder push her out of the way as she steps in to save the day.

She enters her office with her heart jackrabbiting in her chest, Bailey ushers her in and then leaves.

" Grey. Sit down. "

Satan is sitting at her desk, leaning back in her chair, looking like a hospital chief on some silly TV drama.

It's not fair she looks like that _and_ saves lives like a boss.

 _ **And** has my McDreamy, _ she thinks involuntarily.

" I'm sorry. " She says bluntly as soon as she sits down in the leather chair opposite her.

Up close, Satan looks exhausted, almost sick.

" Does it really matter? " she asks, leaning forward with her elbows on the desk. " You being sorry, it doesn't change the fact that there's a hole the size of a penny in that baby's stomach, held together with a patch and hope, so does it really matter? "

" What happens now? " She can't seem to bring herself to care, to actually feel anything about the fact that's he could be sued, lose her job and possibly her license.

She hasn't been able to care about anything much for a while now.

" Three things could happen. " Addison lists the first two, neither of which sound particularly appealing unless she wants to be single - handedly responsible for shutting down the best surgical residency program and research centre on the West Coast.

" And the third? " she asks dully, hoping it involves this while mess somehow going away, because she feels hollow and scooped - out right now but somewhere in her dark twisty mind she has a sneaking suspicion that losing her job isn't something she wants.

Addison tells her the third option, looking away from her, almost like she's the one embarrassed to even be offering.

" No, I can't let you do that. Not for me. "

" I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for this hospital and every single employee and patient who depends on it, so don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm saving your ass. "

" Why do you even care? " she says suddenly, placing her palms on the desk and standing up so that , for once, she's above Addison. " You could leave, go anywhere, hospitals are clamoring to hire you and Derek anyway, you could start over and leave Seattle Grace to rot. Why do you care ? "

" Because. " she says softly ." This place is my family, Mark and Richard and Adele and Callie and Bailey, because Stevens and Karev made me their daughter's godmother, because the Neonatal department is my blood sweat and tears, because this is the place Derek and I put down roots and built a freaking house, this is where we - this is where we started our family, where we got back together and made our marriage stronger.

And you may not know what that means, but it means a lot to me and to Derek, so I could never leave this place to _rot_.

But I could leave _you_ to rot, if I wanted to, but I'm not.

So grow the hell up, and try to do it before we get dragged to court. "

And she knows she's really in her dark and twisty place now because the only word she hears amongst the acid in Addison's voice are _this is where we started our family._

 _Fear is good. Fear means you still have something to lose._ She's not scared at all.

 ** _DEREK'S POV_** " You need anything else? " he hovers over her, trying hard not to and failing miserably.

" I need you sit here - " she scoots over and pats the couch next to her. " - and stare at this with me. "

He slides onto the couch behind her, pulling her against his chest to nestle between his legs.

They fit perfectly, her back to his chest, her head resting under his chin. " You're sure you don't want -"

" No, I don't want ginger ale or crackers or water or a backrub . Stop asking. " she orders, hitting play for the hundredth time on the video.

He watches just as raptly as they had the first, in Arizona's office, memorising the tiny flickers of black and white, wondering how they got so lucky.

" They're perfect. " she sings, hugging herself. " Two perfect heartbeats. "

" Can we tell people now? " he asks hopefully .

" Why do you have this compulsive need to show off ? " she laughs, putting her phone away. " Go shout it from the rooftops if that's what you want. "

" Imagine my mother's face. " he chuckles, kneading the tense muscles of her shoulders and feeling her finally relax a little.

" She'll probably go insane knitting booties and - stuff. " she yawns, leaning back into him.

" Tired? "

" Like you wouldn't believe. "

" Let's get you to bed. " he starts to get up, but she reaches around and pulls him back down.

" Can't. I'm waiting for the lawyer to call. "

" Which lawyer? "

She pauses a second. " Henderson. "

He winces inwardly; the last he saw that name was on the envelope of the divorce papers she handed him outside that elevator.

He's the Montgomery family lawyer, but with the way things stand between Addison and her parents as the moment, he can't fathom why she would call him.

" Why him?"

" Anything legal pertaining to the trust fund has to go through him . " she says, struggling to get up.

He wraps both arms around her , holds her back easily. " What do you mean, pertaining to the trust fund? "

" I spoke to the Brandons lawyer - if we go with the third option, to settle the matter privately and out of court, the amount in question is larger than I thought it would be, and my malpractice insurance would only cover about a third of it. " she huffs, trying to wriggle free.

" Don't you dare think about paying out of pocket. "

He can't believe she's willing to throw god knows how much money down the literal drain to save a hospital she's worked at only a year.

 _" Addison Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen ."_

" Well, do you have a better idea? This way, we can avoid the negative publicity, stay solvent and get this lawsuit off our backs. "

" You pay that settlement and your name goes in the NPDB, every potential employer gets to see how you got fleeced, it's a massive damage to your reputation. Which is as yet untouched, and you should keep it that way. "

" I can take it. ". He can practically feel her smirk. " It would be the first time I've actually been sued. Successfully. "

" So you're going to let them crumble the reputation you've built over years? You're considered the best maternal - fetal surgeon on this continent, you're just going to throw that away? "

" You want to let the hospital go bankrupt? " she counters.

" The reason there's no grant money left is because it's all sitting in my department. Its my responsibility, because of that, to save our asses by putting mine on the line. "

" You could let them take it to court, we could find a replacement to run your departments until it's over, -"

" Who, Derek? I got Fields to take over OB because OBs are a dime a dozen, who do you think I can drag out here to run neonatal and maternal - fetal, especially just for a few months? That guy from France, Dr. Moreau ? Herman won't budge from Hopkins, Vivian retired from clinical practice years ago, there's a few others out there, but each running their own departments and research projects, they won't come. "

" That guy from France is a no -go. " he warns, remembering the way he'd hit shamelessly on Addie until she flashed her rings in his face.

" Jealous? " she teases, flicking the tip of his nose.

" Very. That guy was all over you like a rash even after you dangled your ring in his face." he grumbles.

" I did tell him to _se baiser lui-même ._ " she says. In a perfect accent, of course.

" Oh, that was fun. " he laughs, remembering. " Mark kept saying it for weeks until you told him what it meant. "

" That just made him say it all the more. "

" Let's just not think about it until I get subpoenaed. " she says , hugging her knees.

" Really? These hormones are doing you good. " he says, because she's a chronic worrier by her own admission.

" Yup. I'm just going to sit back and let what happens happen, and I'm not going to worry about it until it does. " she says, her words slurred and heavy.

" Good girl." He wonders how long this new tranquillity will last.

" Did you look at more names? " he asks, changing the subject.

No response.

"Addie? " he shakes her gently. " Did you -"

She's already asleep.

 ** _Review please! Maybe the site will be up and running, maybe it won't, but reviews make me happy!_**


	35. Chapter 33

**_My phone finally figured out how to handle dividers when I put them in so- yay._**

 ** _This fic is dragging, I know, so kudos to you if you're still reading. I love you._**

* * *

 ** _MEREDITH'S POV_**

" Look at them." Cristina moans . " Oh, I'm gonna be sick. "

She follows her narrowed eyes to a gap in the blinds of the Chief's office, where Derek and Addison are kissing passionately, her arms twining round his neck and his hands in her perfect hair .

" How can they be so frickin in love after a bazillion years of being married? I've lived with Owen three days and I swear if that man leaves the toilet seat up one more time I'm going to slam it shut right on his-"

" Let's stop right there, shall we? " Owen walks up behind them and kisses her on the cheek . " Why are you standing here, I sent you to get Addison to sign off on my pro bono ten minutes ago. "

She grabs his head in both hands and angles it towards the gap that's giving them a free show. " I'll go in there when the Shepherds can keep their hands off each other. "

" Not happening. " Richard says, sounding resigned. " Believe me, I worked with them for years in New York. "

 _If they were always like this then what was I, a palate cleanser?_

" Richard? What are you doing here? " Owen asks, blinking furiously as if his retinas have been burned.

" I'm easing back in, Addie gave me a hernia repair and some chole's today. " he says, looking fixedly at his shoes.

" I thought you were starting next week. " Mark Sloan booms, swaggering up to the them on the catwalk with his arm around Lexie, who takes one look at her sister's face and bolts.

" I'm starting as interim chief next week - I just needed to cut today. "

" What's this about? " Bailey demands, bustling in with Tuck on her hip and an enraged expression on her face.

She's waving around at the tinsel and baubles on the walls and railings.

" _That_ would be Addison's doing . " Richard says, scribbling in a chart.

" She believes in holiday cheer. And she's Chief until next week, so bear with it. " Mark explains as Bailey opens her mouth to demand elaboration.

 _And I hate the freaking holidays; one more reason I'm not McAnything._

" There is _mistletoe_ in the hallways. _Mistletoe._ I am gonna have a word with that woman. " she glowers.

" Why are we standing here?" Teddy questions, craning her neck to see what they're looking at.

" That. " Cristina jabs a finger towards the window.

" Oh, _man._ " Mark says appreciatively, leaning against the glass railing to watch.

" Did they get into the mistletoe? "

 _That would be better than if they were doing it for no reason at all, because who even **does** that ?_

" Did who get into what mistletoe? " Izzie pipes. " And where's Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd, I need to talk to her about pre -op rounds. "

 _Why the hell does **everyone** need **her**?_

" Looks like we've got a bit of a wait. " Owen gestures to the office, trying to keep his coffee cup out of Cristina 's reach and failing .

" Bets on how far they go. " Mark says, rubbing his hands together and grinning.

" Twenty bucks says second base. "

 _I'm kicking you out of the Dirty Mistresses Club, you traitor. First you get all normal and happy with my half sister I'm not sure I even like and then you act like this isn't all wrong._

" Twenty says they're grown ups and not hormonal teenagers like you, Sloan. " Callie says, slapping the money into his palm.

" Don't you people have like actual surgeries to do ? " Izzie asks, shaking her head.

" You know, Blondie, I liked you better when you weren't allowed to talk or breathe or touch. "

 _That's me now._

" Does anyone actually know why the

She- Shepherd is stepping down? " Owen asks, and she can't help but notice that Mark and Teddy are suddenly in a hurry to leave .

" Not a clue. " Richard says comfortably.

" All right, who's gonna knock? I really need these signed so I can get started. "

" Not me. " Cristina and Owen chorus.

" I've done it before, I'm too old for it now. " Richard shudders at some repressed memory.

" I have a baby to drop off at daycare. " Bailey shrugs. " A baby who don't need to see that in there. "

" I can handle rounds. " Izzie says quickly. " And I really need them to babysit my kid and I'm not risking making them mad. "

" She's my friend, so I'm not interrupting their little makeout session in there. " Callie shrugs. " Take it where you can get it, right Mark? "

" My sentiments exactly. " he replies, taking off after Lexie.

 _Traitor._

" Well, someone gotta go, or the ORs are gonna be backed up all day. " Bailey barks.

They all turn their eyes toward her, and it's a minute before she realises they're expecting her to say actual words.

 _No._

Out loud probably.

" Oh, no way, I am not knocking on that door. I'm already on probation."

" And that's why you're my shadow and you have to do what I say. " Cristina shoves her towards the office. " Get going, Mer, or I swear you'll be on scut for the rest of the week. "

 _Don't you dare come crawling into my bed the next time you break Owen's heart._ _Not that there's anyone else in it._

She drags her feet all the way, aware of their eyes following her like little laser dots.

 _What do I say when I interrupt my ex boyfriend kissing his wife who may or may not be pregnant and who is also my boss I may or may not have gotten into serious trouble with the law and who I'm now on probation with?_

She knocks tentatively, pressing her ear to the door to make sure they haven't made good on Mark's predictions.

 _Not that that would be much worse to walk in on,_ she thinks dully.

Nothing hurts very much anymore.

" Derek, I -"

" Come on, Addie, the ultrasound was clear and you know it's safe to tell everyone now. My family's going to be here in a week anyway and you're fine with telling them, so why not these people? We work with them every day, they're obviously going to be thrilled. "

 _Pick me, choose me, love me. I can't believe I actually said that to him. Maybe I drove him off with sheer neediness and all my mommy issues._

" It's just that with the lawsuit and everything the last thing I need is everyone thinking it was pregnancy brain that caused this -"

 _Better your husband's possibly deranged ex mistress than pregnancy brain, eh ?_

" It wasn't your goddamn fault, Addison, stop blaming yourself; and you couldn't get pregnancy brain if you tried, you're too smart. "

 _You used to tell me I'm smart_ , _but_ _now I talk to myself in my head._

Addison laughs softly at that, there's a rustle of fabric and Cristina beckons to her that it's safe to go in.

" Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd? " she raps harder on the door this time.

" Uh, come in." she calls, sounding flustered.

 _Satan's human after all._

" How long were you, um, standing there? " she asks, swiping at her hair as she settles into her chair.

 _You look fabulous anyway, why bother._

" Not long. " she forces a smile. " Anyway, there's a lot of people waiting for you, they need you to -"

" Send them all in. " she says, looking at her pager. " Oh, and Derek ? "

" Yeah? " he asks, half out the door. He hasn't even acknowledged her presence.

" Go ahead and tell Richard and Owen But Callie and Miranda are mine . " she smiles, tapping the corner of her mouth to indicate he has a smudge of bright red on his.

It's a perfectly vague comment, no one can tell what she's referring to; or at least, it would have been if she hadn't heard what she did.

 _The upside of dating me is I don't wear lipstick ,_ she thinks, recalling ruefully the lip gloss she'd tried to outdo Addison with.

 _Like I could possibly stand a chance against Isabella freaking Rosselini._

" You sure? " he grins widely, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, making Addison frown.

" Mmhmm."

" Okay. Hey, Meredith, I'm going to be a father. " he says, looking her directly in the eyes. " Isn't that great? "

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

" Derek." she says quietly, her heart going out to Meredith, who suddenly looks very white and very young.

" It's good news, Addie, everyone should hear. " he says, a cold hard glitter in his eyes.

 _Let them go after her, Addie, you don't need this kind of stress right now. It wasn't your fault anyway._

" I'll see you, " he steps back in, past a frozen Meredith and kisses her on her dutifully upturned cheek. " at seven. You , me and Christmas catalogues; wait for me and I'll pick you up. "

He swipes the car keys from the bowl on her desk ; Teddy told him she should rest as much as possible and he's completely overdoing it.

He leaves, humming happily to himself.

 _Does he even realise what he does when he speaks like that?_

But he doesn't; she knows that firsthand.

" I'll just send them in." Meredith whispers, her voice curiously flat.

" No - sit. " she says, half rising from her chair before she knows it, like she's expecting Meredith to run.

She does, on the edge of her chair, worrying at her cuticles, which are already bloody and torn.

" Meredith -" she begins gently, remembering the times she's sat Amy down like this and hoping this talk will go better than those.

" Is there something you need, -Shepherd? Because I should go, I have lots to catch up on. " she rises to leave, running a hand through her sandy hair.

" Meredith," she says, stronger this time.

" I'm sorry."

She laughs mirthlessly . " For which bit, exactly ? Congratulations, anyway. "

And then she's lost in a flurry of doctors entering the room, chattering and thrusting files in her face, and by the time she looks up again she's gone.

She tells Callie and Miranda at lunch that day, Callie squeals loud enough to make the entire cafeteria stare at them and Miranda offers to pray for her vagina.

" Come on, Bailey, don't be so cynical. " she laughs, hugging the smaller woman. " That's what you said when Tuck was born, but you love him all the same. "

" I love my boy all right, " she snorts. " It's just that he was one and you're havin' _two_ , so- "

She shoves a chip in Bailey's mouth then, not wanting to think about that just yet.

Owen comes awkwardly up to her while she glares at the OR board.

" I hear congratulations are in order. "

" Derek told you? " she purses her mouth.

" He's practically knitting booties. " Owen laughs, and she feels her heart swell.

" Addison - can I call you Addison? "

" Of course, Owen, I don't bite. "

" What's it feel like, " he asks, tugging nervously at his scrubs " to have it all?"

" Pretty damn good. " she says, feeling her face split into a grin wide as a clown's.

" Why're you asking? "

" Just a thought. " he shrugs, but she can guess pretty correctly where his mind is.

" You and Yang serious?" she asks, looking at the board and not at him to avoid scaring him off.

" I am. I'm not sure about her, though. "

 _Yeah, I know that feeling._

Instead she pats him lightly on the cheek.

" She'll come around. "

Richard finds her in the elevator and hugs her so hard she drops her pager and files on the ground.

" I hope those little Shepherds are more like you than their father ." he says, and she suspects he might be crying into her hair.

" I always knew I was your favorite. " she teases, bending to pick up the mess strewn across the floor.

" I'll get it." he says hastily, pulling her upright by the shoulders and piling everything into her arms. " Can I tell Adele?"

" Go ahead. "

" I'm warning you though, she'll probably start crying and knitting right away. "

She laughs, remembering all the times Adele has stood in the role of her mother.

She spends the rest of her day being congratulated by various stammering interns and residents, does two surgeries, throws up thrice , wishes she could go straistraight home and crawl into bed to sleep forever and finds Derek waiting in her office, lounging on her couch and eating all her mints from the bowl on her desk.

" Stop eating all my mints. " she mumbles, shoving his feet off her coffee table.

" They're really good, the ones on my desk taste like toothpaste. " he says, poking one into her mouth.

She sucks on it a minute before it slides unbidden down her throat.

 _Stay there._

" Maybe it's because they're the same ones I put there a year ago."

" You do a lot of stuff for me I don't even notice, so. ... thank you. For all of it. "

She sits up straight, staring at him. " Are you all right? "

" Why wouldn't I be?"

" You said thank you. To me. You actually acknowledged something I did for you, in a not - sarcastic way. " she confirms, wondering if her pregnancy hormones are somehow screwing with his brain.

He pulls her close and buries his face in her hair. " It's about time I did. "

" Derek Shepherd, you are a strange man."

" I just love you and realise how lucky I am to have you love me back. Now come on, let's go get dinner before you start hormonally crying and flipping out. "

" That's more like the Derek I know. "

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"Aren't you supposed to have cravings? " he asks, watching her nibble at her plain salad.

" Later. When I'm not throwing up so much."

" Maybe we should have saved this place for later, then. " he says, gesturing around at the dimly lit room, all soft clinking silverware and violins, something he knows she always likes.

 _Damn it, Derek, cut her a break._

" Come on, Derek, I'm not being miserable on purpose, I'm just tired. "

 _" Make sure she doesn't run herself ragged. She'll tire easily , but she's not one to show it, so watch her." Teddy told him that morning, dragging him into a stairwell ._

" I wasn't saying that, I -"

She slides back her chair. " Can we just go, please. "

He slides her coat around bare shoulders - wardrobe as impractical as ever - and wraps an arm around her waist as they walk to the car.

" Christmas shopping. " he remembers belatedly, he knew he'd forgotten something.

She smirks against his shoulder, an inch shorter than him today in lower than usual heels. " Just help me wrap them, I've got the rest covered. "

 _When the hell does she do this stuff? And how do I never know about it?_ " Whe-"

" Yesterday evening. I had a surgery but there wasn't an OR available for a few hours so I entertained myself. "

" Why didn't you say anything this morning?"

" You were so excited about it, I didn't want to burst your bubble. And since we're on the subject - Derek, please, lighten up on Meredith, she's already having a rough time."

 _You have to worry about **everything**_ _don't you._

He snorts derisively. " She made her bed, she can lie in it."

" It could have happened to anyone! And you have no right to attack her personally like you did this morning, do you even realise she was in love with you, do you care that flinging this pregnancy in her face probably ripped her heart out ? She's trying to heal herself, Derek, let her alone to do it."

" Since when are you Saint Addison, patron saint of forgiving mistresses?"

" Derek, what is _wrong_ with you tonight? " she pushes away from him, annoyed.

" Just get in the car, Addison. " he sighs, not trusting himself to speak.

She pretends to ignore him in the car but he knows her too well; he can almost predict every sidelong glance she sends his way when she thinks he won't notice.

At home she flings her bag onto the console before stalking upstairs; he can hear water running and predicts that she won't be out for a while.

He pushes tentatively on the door - he's really in the doghouse if it's locked, but it swings open - and finds her neck deep in bubbles, eyes closed, peaceful for once.

"I'm sorry, Addie, I didn't mean to - "

" Snap? "

" Yeah. And be an insensitive -"

" Jackass?"

He winces. " If it makes you feel better to say it. "

She opens one eye to look at him. " Derek, I'm going to be hormonal and whiny and un-fun for a while, so either bear with me or keep your mouth shut. "

" I know. I promise I'll do whatever you need, I'll do the whole 3 am fast food runs, backrubs and hold you when you cry thing, and I swear I'll try not to be so rude to Meredith if it bothers you so much. "

" Thank you."

He quietly slides out of his clothes and gets in the tub, trying not to slosh water over the edge or step on her feet.

It's lukewarm, not scalding like the baths she usually steeps in after a particularly long day.

" Hot baths are risky. " she peers at him over her knees, which she draws up to let him sit.

He wonders if she's going to deprive herself of every relaxation for nine months - no alcohol, no caffeine, no hot water, ... no sex?

" So I'm compensating with bubbles. " she says, throwing a handful his way.

He settles against the wall of the tub, arms resting along the edge, closing his eyes with a sigh and opening them again when he feels soft lips against his neck.

" You know what else the hormones do?" she breathes, settling on his legs.

" I can guess ." he grins, shoving bubbles out of his way as he reaches for her.

* * *

 ** _Clearly I'm dragging a bit - I have a mental block the size of Derek's ego. I promise I'll get my shot togtogether, though, so please keep reading !_**


	36. Chapter 34

**_Shepherd Christmas, finally!_**

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

" Did you by any chance use a single neuron in your brain when you bought this land? "

 _Ah, here we go again._

" Why, don't you like it? " he smiles charmingly at her, unfazed by her stony glare.

" It's _freezing_ here, it's actually snowing which is great, but it is freezing, Derek, I mean can't-feel-your-butt after you sit on the toilet seat freezing. And it takes thirty five minutes to get to the damn hospital, we have no neighbours, and there's a _bear_ in those woods. "

She's right, it _is_ freezing, but that means it's snowing prettily, blanketing the world in muffling white, and he knows she secretly loves this picture perfect white Christmas thing.

And it _does_ take thirty five minutes to get to the hospital, which was exactly why he bought it in the first place, because this time around he's prioritising.

And no, they don't have neighbors, but that might just change , what with the way Mark's been sniffing around here lately, but then again with Lexie so furious at him, it might not.

And he's never seen the bear , only heard her shriek about it - okay, Izzie and Karev too - so that's that.

" Want to move? " he asks, sliding an arm under her and pulling her into his side for warmth.

" No. " she mutters, snuggling close under the puffy duvet she insists on. " I spent way too much time doing up this house and it looks _fabulous_ , I'm not letting anyone else have it. "

" Bless your shallow heart. "

But it's true, the house looks amazing, she's done her usual number on it, complete with twinkling fairy lights - she's graduated from her usual white to a daring gold and silver - tinsel and holly, wreaths and candles and pine cones everywhere, presents piled cheerily under the real tree he insisted on, and that they decorated with boxes of ornaments collected since med school, sharing memories and more underneath it's branches afterwards.

 _" We can't do this next year. " he'd whispered to her as they curled on the rug in front of the fireplace._

 _" W-why?" she asked, almost pulling away, and he realised just how insecure she still is._

 _" The twins, silly, they'll end up in therapy forever. " he explained , and when she laughed it sounded relieved._

" What's the time? " she yawns, fingers playing idly with his hair.

" Five thirty. "

" When did we lose the ability to sleep in? " She groans, scrunching her eyes shut as if it'll help.

" Probably somewhere in our residency. " he yawns, catching hers from earlier. " But since we're already up there's other things we could be doing..." he trails a suggestive hand down her side under the covers.

" We already did. " she grins, but doesn't push his hand away.

" That's never stopped you before. " he reminds her, pulling her lower into the bed to kiss her properly.

" Derek. _Derek,_ the phone. "

He relinquishes her with a groan, reaching across her to grab his phone. " It's my mother."

She pales visibly. " Answer it, what are you waiting for? "

She fidgets anxiously while she listens to his end of the conversation, biting her lip and looking as nervous as she'd been the first time she'd met his family.

" She just wanted to make sure I know her flight lands at eleven and that we'll pick her up. And apparently she called you first because she doesn't trust me, but we didn't hear your phone because we were - otherwise occupied. "

" I should get up, make sure everything's ready -"

He loops an arm round her waist and pulls her back down with an _oof_. " She'll be here at eleven, Addison, we have hours. And I swear I will go crazy if you try to get anything else _ready_ , because everything already is, from the decorations down to the freaking table setting, so _relax_. Concentrate on growing her another pair of grandchildren and she'll be over the moon."

She shifts uncomfortably next to him.

" Derek, I don't think she's really forgiven me yet for. ...everything. "

" We're both in for a lecture when she gets here, so can we please not discuss her now? " he begs, knowing he's going to get it worse than his wife when she hears the whole story.

" Fine by me. "

They're both quiet for a while, trying to get some sleep, but years of not being able to has made insomniacs of them.

" Will she be happy? Like, _happy_ happy or for the sake of it happy? "

" _Happy_ happy, Addie, just wait. "

" I still can't believe this is all real. " she smiles slowly, stretching catlike beside him. " I mean, last Christmas, who would've thought we'd be here; expecting twins, still married, this house, your family coming to visit. ... all of it. "

He remembers last Christmas in painful detail , every last cutting word, unintentional insult, the unshed tears that had sparkled in her eyes and the way she'd looked at that table at Joe's, small and forlorn.

" I love you. " he says suddenly, needing to feel himself form the words, say them, hear them in his own voice, make sure the last time he said them isn't too long ago.

" And the twins. " he slips a hand below his sweater she stole after their exploits in bed that morning, because he'd thrown her clothes across the room and neither of them were inclined to brave the cold floor to go get them.

 _The twins,_ already they speak of them as if they're real, tangible, touchable, actual beings who manifest in ways other than their mother spending her mornings locked in the bathroom.

Also the insatiable desire and the boobs, both of which he's very much on board with, but she informs him the latter hurts like hell.

He runs his hands lightly over her still - flat abdomen as she places a hand over his.

" Eight weeks. They're about as big as kidney beans, they're developing webbed fingers and toes and bronchi this week, and they're moving, except there's still so much room in there I can't feel it. " she rattles off, nervous and rambling to prove it.

" Addie. "

" I know. No doctoring. " she sighs, kicking off the covers and dancing across the cold floor, hopping from foot to foot. " It's freezing out, we have a lot of time, and I'm taking a shower to warm me up. Coming? "

He rolls out of bed instantly, wondering if she's actually ever expected him to refuse such an offer. " I'll help. "

 ** _MEREDITH'S POV_**

She's not the only resident on duty, she's not an intern, so clearly God is just having a laugh at her today because she's stuck doing the most unappealing errand of her life.

The Shepherds actually took their day off and stayed at home, which was great at first because she didn't have to witness their sickening holiday sappiness, but now she's realised it sucks, because since she's on probation, Bailey shoved a stack of files at her and ordered her to go find each of the attendings who forgot to sign the hundred dollar mandatory Christmas donation pledge for the clinic because apparently Bailey needs to know how much money she's getting so she can order supplies for a free Christmas lunch.

 _" Find those morons and kick their butts till they sign. "_ were her exact words, but repeating those probably won't help her cause.

So here she is, driving at snail's pace all morning on icy roads, hunting down attendings ' houses and hitting them up for money.

They're allowed to donate more than a hundred; so far, no one has, and Bailey is going to be seriously pissed.

And now she's taking a very cold, very miserable ferry ride, trying not to think about a certain person who has a thing for them and wishing Cristina were here, but she's with Owen, being all happy and untwisty.

She hunches over the wheel as she drives the all too familiar road to their house, map forgotten on the passenger seat.

When she pulls up in what is now a sweeping drive instead of sucking mud - _Satan's doing for sure_ \- she turns off her car and spends longer than necessary looking for the right papers.

And a pathetic minute or two making sure her hair looks good. And she puts on lip gloss.

The doorbell chimes happily , and Derek opens the door looking devastatingly handsome in a red sweater that looks so good on him it positively screams of Addison.

" Meredith. Bailey told me you were coming. "

She trails after him, unsure, looking around at the house that holds his new life.

 _His old life, actually, that he went back to._

It's big, warm and open, clear winter sunshine pouring through tall windows, decorated like Santa threw up all over it, smells like freshly baked cookies.

There's a glossy black piano, with a small silver frame on it; it catches her eye because it's a picture of Doc.

To her, Doc was hope, a tenuous connection to Derek, an unspoken promise of _maybe_.

He was McDog, but in this picture it's just the three of them, Derek turned toward his wife , laughing as Doc licks Addison's face and she tries to look at the camera.

They look happy.

" He was a good dog. " Derek says softly, startling her out of her reverie . He's looking at her nervously, like he thinks she'll break any second.

 _I won't give you that satisfaction._

She mumbles in agreement, picking up the frame, turning it over, putting it back down.

Wishing it was _her_ in the picture.

" We had Burke take that picture, a few days before we put - you know, before Doc died. We wanted to remember him. "

 _They were that happy, that relaxed, a few days before Doc died?_

She remembers that time in her life as being distinctly miserable, watching the happy couple and dating Finn, sweet poor Finn who's waiting for her in her house right now.

" I didn't know you played. " she says, tapping the piano, making awkward conversation.

" Not me, Addie plays - honey, Meredith's here. " he yells up the stairs.

 _Satan plays piano?_

" I know, it's surprising isn't it. " he catches the look on her face. " She's pretty good. "

 _Of course she is._

Addison comes clattering down the stairs then, angelic in ivory cashmere, tossing Derek a checkbook with the name of a bank she's never heard of before.

" Hi, Meredith, didn't Derek get you anything? Derek, why didn't you get her anything? "

She disappears into the kitchen before he can say anything, leaving him to smile and shake his head.

He holds his hand out for the papers, reading with the slight furrow between his eyebrows that she used to think made him look so cute.

" What's this for, again? "

" Bailey wants to do a free Christmas meal at the clinic, you know, for all the people who need it. "

" Bailey is one of a kind, that's for sure. " he says, scribbling his signature and handing back his folder.

Addison comes back holding a tray with three mugs and a plate of lumpy looking sugar cookies. " I bet everyone else has maxed you out on coffee already, so I made you hot chocolate . And I made the cookies." she grins proudly.

" At six in the morning. " Derek yawns pointedly.

There's no way for her to diss the devil's juju this time, so she takes a sip. It's pretty good.

" Bailey never mentioned this. " Addison says, flipping open her file.

" She didn't want to pressure anyone into donating. " she explains.

 _But apparently it's okay for me to be driving around begging anyway._

" It's sweet of her to do this. " Addison says , signing her paper and reaching for the checkbook.

" Addie -"

" Come on, Derek, it's Christmas! " she smiles as she writes something in her looping handwriting, scribbles a signature and hands her a check.

For fifty thousand dollars.

 _Will she be the same way when it comes to getting sued?_

She knows Addison's wealthy, she's heard Izzie say it, it's obvious when you look at her, and her trailing row of names .

" I didn't donate to the clinic when she started it because I didn't know if I. ..." she trails off, embarrassed.

 _If you'd stay in Seattle, if your husband would leave you for the slutty intern, if you'd still want to have connections to the place your marriage fell apart_

." So this is me making up for that. " she says brightly, recovering from the awkward moment.

" Dr. Montgomery, you don't have to - "

" I _want_ to. " she says, smile beginning to look a little forced.

" You can't throw money at everything to make it all better. " she says before she can stop herself, and knows instantly she's gone too far.

" Dr. Grey, that's enough. " she says coolly, rising from the couch.

" _No,_ it's not, you just swan in here thinking you can write Bailey a fat check to make up for the fact you didn't give her a penny out of your millions when she really needed it, and you can't pay god knows how much to make up for the fact that you stole _everything_ from me. "

She's on her feet now too, just the coffee table between them , wishing she didn't have to look _up_ at her shocked face, and Derek is at her side, white and furious, holding an unnecessary arm between them.

 _Who, exactly, does he think will need restraining?_

" Dr. Grey, _that's enough_. Leave. "

And she does, she glories cheaply in the way Addison turns away from his comforting hand, whispers _everything_ as she clicks the door shut.

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

" Addieee! "

Nancy's the first one, as always, trailing three boys and her husband, holding her baby girl - no, not a baby now, almost two - and thrusts her into her arms.

" Tracy, meet your Auntie Addie. The last time you saw her, you were coneheaded and screaming. Oh my _god_ , you're pregnant, aren't you. "

" How do you know? " she hisses, gesturing for her to be quiet.

" Your boobs look amazing, I'm an OB and a good one at that, and you're _glowing_. "

" Well, you're right -" she covers her ears as Nancy squeals and throws her arms around her. " But don't blab, we're waiting for everyone to get here. "

" Ooh, I hope it has your hair. "

She cuddles the sleepy Tracy, remembering the delivery, Nancy cursing and threatening her husband, the adorable ending of an exhausting eight hours, the look in Derek's eyes as she swaddled the baby and laid her in Nancy's arms.

 _" Addie -"_

 _" Derek, please. Not yet. "_

The boys hug her, assault Derek, pile noisily into the living room, then sneak out to play in the snow when their mother busies herself exploring the house and chattering nonstop to her .

She's relieved that Nance was the first to arrive; she's already met her since moving to Seattle, and her ready forgiveness is the source she draws her courage from to face the rest of them.

They agreed it would be better if Mark weren't constantly here; he seems to have shared the sentiment and has so far stayed away, although she wishes she could have him here and not alone in that apartment with Lexie not speaking to him and Callie... well, Callie is being Callie about this whole situation.

She gets a half hour for Nancy and Jeff to assure her that the rest of the Shepherd women do not want to lynch her before Liz breezes in , her three kids off at college now, Theo looking greyer than she remembers him .

" Addison. " she says coldly, walking past her to hug Derek. " Still here, I see. "

" Addie. " Derek reaches for her as Liz stalks into the house.

" Not now. " she brushes him off, Meredith's words still echoing in her head.

 _You took everything from me_.

She wonders if Derek feels that way too, so she refuses his comfort when Kath outright ignores her, speaking only to inform her that her family will be staying at the inn on Bainbridge and not to bother about them.

And again when Carolyn - who decides to take a cab after all - merely smiles at both of them before going upstairs to the room she's spent hours painstakingly arranging.

Derek corners her in the kitchen again, placing two hands on the countertops either side of her so she can't escape.

" Addison, I'm _sorry_. I have no idea why she said what she did, clearly I need to have a talk with her to get this out of her damn head, but I don't feel the same way, and I need for you to believe that today. Today we need to believe in each other."

" I'm not mad. I'm. .. I don't know, shocked, hurt, whatever. Just clear that up, as soon as possible, please? " she whispers, despising the plea in her voice.

He kisses her, a quick peck on the lips.

" Done. "

She turns back to the sauce she's stirring, taking Carolyn's uncharacteristic absence from the kitchen as an ill omen .

" Mom not here? " he asks, starting to chop onions with surgical precision.

" She's testing me, I think, making sure I'm not trying revenge by salmonella again. "

" I should hope not. " comes from behind them.

They both jump guiltily to find her standing in the doorway, faintly amused.

" Your sauce is burning. " she jerks her head towards the pot, which is starting to smoke, picks it up and dumps the whole mess into the sink. " Addie, hand me another one, would you? "

 ** _CAROLYN'S POV_**

 _" Like this? " she asks doubtfully, poking at her pie crust, which is translucent in some spots and thick in others._

 _" No, child, not like that - haven't you seen anyone roll out a crust before? "_

 _" No - . " she says , blushing._

 _She relegates her to setting the table and choosing the wine, a job she does perfectly, for years, until there are suddenly three empty chairs at her table on Sundays and a hole in her heart._

She was the one who taught Addison to boil an egg; she didn't blame the child for her ineptitude in the kitchen, she was just a little surprised that someone could be so helpless when it came to feeding themselves.

At the time, she'd thanked the stars Derek was a passable cook, but it seems that her daughter in law has picked up a few skills over the years.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.

" So, I hear congratulations are in order. " she says, confused when Derek chokes on a piece of carrot and Addison almost drops the dish she's holding. " You made Chief, didn't you? "

" Oh! Uh, yeah, I did. Thank you. " she smiles, turning quickly to put the dish in the oven.

 _What else did she think I was talking about?_

" Always knew you'd make me proud. " she pats Addison on the shoulder, enjoying the way the two of them are squirming uncomfortably, waiting for the shoe to drop.

She'd wanted to scream, yell, rant at them, order them not to throw away what was clearly a relationship where they were both flawed, but in ways that perfectly balanced each other, when she watched them slowly crumble in New York.

She'd quite frankly have liked to slap Addison and Mark when she heard what Derek walked in on, even though she knew her son's cold indifference had been what drove his ever - insecure wife into his best friends arms.

 _Sometimes people do desperate things for attention._

Addie said that to her once, in a cold hospital hallway outside Amy's room, a red welt rising on her cheek, tears drying salty on her skin.

And when first Derek, then Addison, then Mark sold their practices and moved out here, each two months after the one before, she'd felt like she'd lost not one but three children.

Because they are her children, she's insanely proud of the three of them, their skills and reputations, especially Addison; as a longtime nurse, she's heard surgeons discuss her techniques reverentially.

And now here, in Seattle - it's miserable and grey outside most of the time , but inside it's deliciously warm and comforting, Derek and Addison seem to be almost the same golden couple they were before, and the only one missing is her surrogate son.

And Amelia, but that's a lost cause if she ever saw one.

So she no longer feels the need to rant, and she helps an adorably nervous Addison with lunch; the real battle now is Liz and Kath, and she could use some support.

She pretends not to notice the glances flying thick and fast between Derek and his wife as they sit down to lunch, knowing they're probably discussing when the storm will finally break.

" So, Addison, I heard you're Chief now. " Theo grins, " Knew you'd beat Derek to it. "

" She beats him at a lot of things. " Liz laughs, an ugly sound.

" Liz. " Nancy says quietly. " Shut up. "

" Why? The cat's out of the bag anyway - right little brother? She was the one who sle-"

" _Elizabeth_ , that's enough. " she steps in, wondering how much abuse Addison plans to take in repentant silence.

" Fine, " she shrugs. " If you all want to pretend it's all okay, then fine. "

Derek places a hand over Addison's, curled white knuckled around her water glass.

 _" Mom, seriously, she's a wino or_ _something. " Kath exclaims, judgemental as ever._

 _" I know, she's got like the highest tolerance I've ever seen. " Liz snarks, " Or maybe it's genetic, isn't she a WASP? "_

 _" Don't act like teetotaling little prisses." Nancy had snapped. " It's not like either of you aren't completely sloshed, you're just jealous she can actually hold her liquor and not puke in the bathroom when no one's looking. "_

She stares at the glass for a moment, confirming it's actually water and that Addison hasn't progressed to straight up vodka to mitigate the stress of what is undoubtedly the most awkward Christmas ever.

Nancy catches her looking and grins happily .

 _" Really?_ " she mouths across the table at her, not that Liz and Kath are actually looking at anyone.

Nancy does a little dance in place in response, earning a strange look from her sisters.

 _" Let them tell you. "_ she mouths back,then

" Addie, this is really good. " she says cheerfully, taking a bite of chicken.

" Not raw this time." she teases, getting a smile out of Addison in response.

" I've improved a bit; no more salmonella. " she says, ever the polite wisecracking hostess.

" Good to know. " Kath says, looking at her full plate. " But I'm not hungry anyway. "

" Okay, for gods sake, _enough_ , I get you all have a right to be mad, but you do _not_ have the right to insult my wife in our home, because whatever happened was both of our faults. Equally.

So whatever bitchiness you need to get out of your systems, it's going to be at the both of us, so come on, let it out, so we don't have to spend three days backstabbing each other. " Derek explodes, throwing down his fork and glowering.

" Really, Derek, you were _equally_ at fault, so does that mean you screwed Savannah? Or what's her name- Naomi? " Kathleen spits, color rising fast in her cheeks.

" Kath, watch it. " he snaps. " What happened with Mark -"

" Was a mistake, right, Addison, he was just there and suddenly you were in bed and then Derek walked in, boo hoo. Tell me, though, was that even the first _time_? Or the first _guy_? " Liz hisses. " I mean seriously, are we just going to sit here and eat probably - poisonous chicken and pretend she didn't screw his best friend, wreck their marriage which I _knew_ was a mistake, drive him out of the city he loves, then show up here and destroy the life he was trying to put together here? "

Addison clears her throat politely, twisting the rings on her finger like she does when she's nervous. The diamond that had graced her own finger decades ago sparkles in the afternoon sunlight, and she knows with sudden certainty that she's the right one to wear it.

" I'm sorry for what I did, but-"

" Shut up, Addie. " Derek cuts in. " Don't give them what they want. Give them the whole messy truth and then let's see what they think. "

And he goes through the whole agonising spiel again, but this time with the gut wrenching detail that none of them - except, apparently, Nancy - knew.

The miscarriage, the baby that never was, Addison almost dying, the wedge that grew between them, Mark holding the loose ends together until he grew tired of it and cut them loose.

Addison, burying her pride and flying to Seattle, the miserable year that followed, the intern, empty promises and hollow vows.

The efforts they'd made, clawing back into each others lives.

And now this, the perfect couple in their perfect home, the possibility of more on the way.

 _Why aren't they telling anyone?_

" So why isn't Mark here. " Liz demands, shamefaced but still unrelenting.

" We thought it would be better if he

wasn't. " Addison explains, flinching when Kath looks at her.

" Sorry. For what I said. I didn't know everything, I shouldn't have -"

" Jumped to conclusions? Assumed? " Derek asks, draining his glass.

" I said I'm sorry, don't push. " Kath warns .

" Been presumptuous? Been judgemental? " he grins, pushing her buttons deliberately now.

" Whatever. I'll take it. " she concedes guiltily, hugging Addison with something approaching sincerity. " I'm _sorry._ "

Addison squeezes back, bewildered.

 _That's a first._

Derek looks pointedly at Liz, swirling his refilled glass.

" Me too. " she huffs, and thankfully Derek doesn't push for more.

" So. " Addison says brightly, blinking away tears. " Seconds? "

" Hold it, Martha Stewart. " Derek says affectionately, putting an arm round the back of her chair. " Tell them! "

 _Ooh, here it comes._

" Derek -"

 _Addie, please, you're killing me._

" Come on, they've actually apologised, we could all use a little happy. " he argues.

 _Sure could._

" Guys. _What_? " Jeff demands, excitable as ever.

They share one last look, Addison worried, Derek encouraging, then she says the words she's been dying to hear from them for years.

" I'm pregnant. "

 ** _Like? Or not?_** ** _Pleeeasee review, it makes my shallow heart happy._**


	37. Chapter 35

**_Mostly filler and fluff and hints of what's next._**

 ** _Sorry for updating like a sloth._**

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

" So, how goes it? " he grins at the sight of her in a too - large sweater with a distinctly lopsided snowman on it.

" _Mark_? What are you doing here? "

" Merry Christmas, Ad. Ma called me and told me to get my butt over here. Apparently you two took the worst of it yesterday, so I'm free to swan in here and no hard feelings. "

She snorts in disbelief, shaking out the fluffy comforter. " I take it you haven't run into Liz or Kath yet. "

" No - ope, they giving you a hard time? "

" What? No, no, they're great, it's just. ... you know how they get, all overprotective and -"

"- bitchy? " he offers, catching the opposite end of the billowing fabric and tugging it over the end of the bed.

She giggles nervously. " Well, yes, but maybe a better word. "

" Nah, that one's right. "

She picks up a brush and runs it through her tousled hair, simultaneously shoving her feet into flat shoes. " Go put on your ugly sweater. If I have to wear one, so do you. "

" Where's mine? " Derek asks, trudging out of the shower in a cloud of steam that smells suspiciously of Addison, and he tries not to think about why.

She tosses it to him; green, this year, with crooked white snowflakes around the middle, but he doesn't laugh because his is uglier.

" Breakfast! " Carolyn's voice floats up the stairs, accompanied by the sound of thundering teenage feet in the kitchen.

Addison winces; he can tell she's planning to have the floor repolished the minute everyone leaves.

" You're gonna have two of those in about sixteen years. " he teases, and Derek rolls his eyes.

" They won't be anything like this if she has any say in the matter. " he chuckles, kissing her on the temple.

" Addie, breakfast. " Carolyn says firmly, appearing in the the doorway , hands on hips.

" What about us? "Derek complains, but she's already bustled off.

" She's forcing me to eat my body weight in food at each meal. " Addison grumbles, shoving her feet into shoes and following her mother in law downstairs.

" So she's -?" he asks , turning to Derek, who is attempting to wrestle his hair into obedience.

" Happy. " he confirms ." All of them are. "

" Really? Kath and Liz? "

" Well, Kath keeps trying to shrink Addison's head and get her to _confront her repressed feelings of resentment towards the people who unfairly accused her_ , which as you can imagine doesn't go over too well with Liz, seeing as she's the one who made the unfair accusation, and Mom is convinced Addison needs to gain weight and keeps force feeding her, which doesn't go over too well because she keeps throwing up and also I don't think she's gained a pound in the last fifteen , yeah, everything is as normal as it can be with all of us in one house at Christmas."

" Not all of us. " he reminds him.

" We called. She won't pick up. "

" Call again. "

" She's in LA, Mark, with Sam and Naomi, it's not like she's alone. "

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She manages a few - admittedly delicious - bites of Carolyn's famous pancakes, which she's missed the last few years, but the sight of them is making her stomach revolt, so she forks them onto twelve year old Thomas' plate, who doesn't notice and inhales them along with his own.

She slips back upstairs for a moment after the kids have all piled out into the snow and Kath and Liz and their husbands have taken the ferry to go sightseeing and finish Christmas shopping, glass of water in hand, ready to face the usual bout of vomiting, but it doesn't happen today and she gets away with just nausea.

" Take your meds. " Derek reminds her as he walks into their room, to find her fiddling with bottles of prenatal vitamins and beta blockers. " Oh, you remembered. "

" I'm not stupid, you know. " she says, tipping her head back and swallowing an amount of pills she wasn't expecting to have to take until she turned eighty.

" I know." he sits next to her ; she has her eyes closed but she can feel the mattress sink, and feel the warmth of his skin next to her. " Feeling all right? "

" I didn't throw up today. " she says proudly, opening her eyes to find his an inch away from her face. " Hi. "

" Hi, yourself." he growls, pressing kisses down her neck.

" Derek. Your entire family is downstairs. " she reminds him, pushing half heartedly at his chest.

" So?"

" So I just got over the adulterous bitch label, Derek, I'm not going for another one too soon. "

" We're married. We can can do whatever we want. " he points out, easing off her and flopping onto the bed, all rumpled and handsome , and her hormones are driving her to say yes, but she knows it's probably not a great idea.

" I'll make it up to you. " she promises, leaning in to kiss him the way she knows is bound to leave him all hot and bothered.

" Tomorrow, because it's Christmas tomorrow. "

" Satan. " he mutters, but he's smiling, and it's not meant to hurt, but it does.

But only a little.

" I never thought we'd be spending this Christmas like this. " he wonders out loud.

 _Meredith - she wasn't a fling. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you._

" Not me. " she whispers, cursing the hormones that bring her to tears so easily.

" Wh - Addie? Addison. I didn't mean. ... come here. " He pulls her to his chest, kissing her hair and wrapping his arms around her so tight it almost hurts, but not as much as his words.

" Sorry. " she hiccups, hating herself for being so sensitive.

" Don't be. I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry. "

" Hormones. " she explains shakily, wiping her eyes on his sweater.

" What I meant " he says gently, looking her in the eyes. " is that that I never imagined you'd take me back. "

" I never left. " she reminds him. " And anyway, Christmas makes you want to be with people you love. "

" Don't steal my line. " he grins, pressing another kiss to her lips. " Come on, let's go make sure the rest of the house is still standing. "

" You go ahead, I'll be down in a minute. " she says, gesturing to her puffy eyes and hair tousled by his fingers. " I'm not exactly presentable at the moment. "

He leaves, shaking his head in amusement.

There's a knock at the door, and she calls "Not now, Derek, I told you -"

" -I'm not Derek. " Carolyn smiles, stepping into the room, and she can feel herself blushing.

 _Why does the woman always have to catch me on the wrong foot?_

" I'm so sorry, I - "

" It's okay, Addison, you always did apologise too much. "

She sits on the edge of the bed, running her fingers over the multitude of bottles on the nightstand. " Are you feeling all right?"

She pauses in her untangling of a particularly stubborn snarl. " Yeah, just some nausea and I get a little tired now and then. "

 _And other things you don't want to hear about and that your son would kill me for telling you._

She chuckles, tilting a bottle to the light to see the label. " Oh, I remember that. It'll pass, sweetie , give it a few more weeks. But of course you know that. "

"I hope it does, I feel horrible every morning and Derek keeps overreacting. "

" He's so excited about the twins. " Carolyn says, turning to look at her in the mirror.

" I've always imagined him with children, you know. "

" He is. " she agrees, succeeding in her mission and moving on to he next knot.

" Thank you." she blurts suddenly, dropping the bottle onto the table and worrying at the duvet instead.

" Mom-"

" No. Thank you, Addison, for my son. I couldn't have begun to understand how hard it must have been on you, those last years in New York, he was putting his career over everything and yours was just as important but you were the only one left in your marriage. And what happened with Mark, I'm not saying it was justified, but I can forgive it.

Because when I heard he was out here in Seattle with that intern, I'm so sorry to say it, but I thought _now finally he'll be happy._

But he wasn't, I'll admit I never really thought you were the best choice for him, but you stayed, even when he was being a - a - whatever, and you proved that you _are_. And frankly, if you hadn't come out here and knocked some sense into his thick skull, he'd probably be a fishing, flannel wearing, bearded hermit by now. "

She stares at her mother in law in disbelief, wondering if the meds have strange side effects on her.

" Oh, come on, Addie, don't look at me like that. I loved you, always did, but there was always this little voice in the back of my head saying you'd break my son's heart someday. And you did - but then you put it back together. You'll understand, when the twins are older , because you're always going to think that no one is quite good enough. " she says, running a hand down her back comfortingly.

" And I'm sorry, for everything we said and did, it was cruel and you didn't deserve it. We didn't know the whole story, and we just assumed you - you know, - with Mark, for the hell of it. "

" It was a stupid, stupid mistake. " she croaks, praying fervently that she won't cry in front of Derek's mother.

" Shh, sweetie. I know, you were just trying to escape, and Derek wasn't there for you, and Mark was. "

" I pushed him away. "

" He didn't have to go. " Carolyn counters. " He's always been a little selfish, though. And you're stubborn. Dear lord, your children are going to be little hellions. " she chuckles, running her fingers soothingly through her hair, a uniquely comforting gesture she's never had from Bizzy, and it makes her choke up even more.

" I had one too, you know. " she continues, giving her time to compose herself. " A miscarriage. "

She raises her head from Carolyn's shoulder, surprised. " I - am so sorry, I never knew. "

" No one does, I never told anyone. Only Michael knew. You're the first one I've told - so now you don't have to feel alone and pitied. It was about a year after Derek was born - he was our only boy, our littlest one, and I was happy with what I had, four was enough, but Michael was so excited about it I couldn't do anything. And when I miscarried, for _years_ I blamed myself, for not wanting the baby, until we had Amy. And even now, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like, maybe another boy, so Derek wouldn't have been drowning in girls his whole childhood, but that's not the point.

My point is that you can talk to me, if you need to, and I will not pity you or judge you or blame you, Addison, because you are one of my daughters, so please, don't hide from me any longer. "

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

" This is ideal. " Mark says in a low voice, later that evening, tossing peas into the bowl between them.

" What, you and me, shelling an unreasonable amount of peas on Christmas Eve while all the women in the family are in one kitchen? I'm worried the gas mains aren't the most flammable things in there. "

" No, _this_. " he makes a sweeping gesture at the living room, transformed into Santa's den by Addison.

" This thing you two have, the house and the kids. You even used to have a dog. And you don't have a fence, but if you did I bet it would be picket ."

He fails to mention that the dog was actually his girlfriends', but the rest is spot on, and he can't help but admit he's right, it is pretty perfect.

" I could have this. With Lexie. " he says seriously, and he doesn'thave the heart to remind him that he's expecting a child with a woman who is not Lexie and is in fact dating another woman.

" How'd you get Lexie to talk to you again after everything with Callie and the baby? " he asks; Mark Sloan may be dangerously charming but Lexie is no fool.

" She's talking to me - just not about the baby. We weren't together when it happened anyway, and Arizona and Callie were on the rocks, and it just sort of happened. And she slept with Karev, so she's not exactly lily white either, and she knows it. " he explains, with the nonchalance that only he can manage when discussing a topic like this.

He cranes his head over the back of the couch to look at the alarming number of women in the kitchen, bustling around while his mother barks orders.

" Lexie's freaking." Mark frets, eating a handful of peas he's just shelled.

" Can't blame her. Kath's having a field day with the fact that she's Meredith's half sister, and she's terrified of Addie already because she's her boss. "

" Crap, look sharp. Addie's coming. "

She comes stalking out of the kitchen and flings herself onto the couch next to Derek. " She won't let me do _anything_ , you'd think I was dying or something. "

" Well, you are supposed to be taking it easy. " he points out, earning himself a death glare.

" I _learned_ things, Derek. I know how to cook a freaking turkey now. And she won't let me help. "

" Since when do you want to help, anyway? "

Mark asks, shovelling another handful of peas into his mouth.

" Since I learned how! " she pouts, tucking one foot under her and leaning into Derek.

" Tired? " he asks, rubbing her back .

" No. " she says automatically, her programmed response.

"Hey, sweetie. " she coos at Tracy, who wanders in clutching soggy candy cane.

" Wanna go _trailer_. " she hiccups, reaching for her aunt.

" Trailer? " she quirks her eyebrows at him.

" The boys have decided to camp in the trailer tonight. " he grins, because this thwarts her fantasies of blowing it up for a Christmas bonfire .

" Why would they do that? " she asks, utterly at a loss as to why any sane person would forgo the comforts of a real house for what she calls his metal twinkie .

" You know, some people enjoy the wilderness. " he explains.

" Why? It's not centrally heated. " she sniffs, lifting the tearstained little girl into her lap. " Let's stay here, baby , and I'll tell you a story . Let the boys have their icky trailer. "

" Trailer icky? " Tracy asks, settling back and immediately getting her candy cane stuck in Addison's hair.

" And cold. " she agrees, disentangling the sticky candy and breaking off a small piece to pop in Tracy 's mouth, hiding the rest in her hand.

" Watch out, Derek, she'll turn my godkids into WASPy wilderness hating city brats. " Mark warns, stealing the leftover candy and shoving it in his mouth.

" Really, Mark, someone would think _you're_ the pregnant one. " she snipes, looking at the near empty bowl of peas and his mouthful of candy cane.

" Stress eating. " he explains. " Lexie does it and I'm starting to think it works. "

" You don't have anything to be stressed about." she says confidently, " Lexie just rolled out a pie crust so perfect I thought Mom would swoon."

" Parental approval. " Mark punches the air, spraying bits of candy cane.

" Uncle Mark icky. " Tracy giggles.

" Smart kid Nancy's got there. " he remarks as Addison doubles over laughing.

The doorbell rings, and he puts a hand on Addison's knee as she starts to get up. " I'll get it, it's probably just one of the boys back for something they forgot. "

" Dr. Addison... Forbes Montgomery,uh, Shepherd live here? "

" Yes. " he says curiously, eyeing the squat little man on the doorstep.

" You her? " he smirks.

" No, uh, she's my wife - Addie, it's for you." he calls over his shoulder, wondering if it's a last minute absolutely essential gift being delivered.

" What? " she asks, appearing in the foyer with Tracy propped on her hip.

His beady eyes rake her up and down in her dark green wrap dress appreciatively.

" Merry Christmas, lady. You've been served."

* * *

 _ **At this point I'm basically using this fic to vicariously live out the Addek fluff I wanted to see on the show , with a little mess thrown in for good measure so it doesn't get sticky sweet.**_

 _ **Just a few chapters more, then I'm going to start a separate part.**_

 _ **REVIEWS PLEEEASEE.**_


	38. Chapter 38

**_Okay, I'm not a lawyer, so any legal inaccuracies can be laughed at and kindly overlooked._**

 ** _I've also tried my hand at introducing a character of my own - just for the heck of it, but if you like him, I'll let him stay._**

 ** _As always, thanks to my reviewers - you keep me going!_**

 ** _Enjoy._**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He stirs awake to the sound of impatient clattering in the bathroom, reaches across the bed for Addison but comes up empty handed.

" Addie, you up?"

She peeks around the bathroom door, clad in a silky robe over underwear, eyes wild.

" I'm meeting the lawyers today, remember?"

He groans inwardly; it's the day after Christmas and everyone else is gone, leaving just the two of them and one pestilential house guest to deal with the fallout of the subpoena she received on Christmas Eve.

" How's this? "she asks anxiously, standing at the foot of the bed.

He takes in the skimpy black lace and smirks. " Nice. But I'd rather no one else saw it. "

" _This_. " she rattles the hangers he hadn't noticed.

" Oh, uh... that brown one. " he points to the suit in the middle, chiefly because the blouse he knows goes with it is deliciously low cut.

" All right. " she says, surprisingly satisfied, and starts rummaging for shoes.

" What time do you have the meeting again? "

" Nine. "

" What have you decided? " he asks, sliding his hands around her waist under the robe .

She stands up, shoes in hand. " About? "

" Are you settling or going to court?"

" It's not solely my decision, Derek. "

" Like you're going to listen to what anyone says."

" True, but I'll pretend. " she grins, draping her arms around his neck, dropping her shoes to the carpet.

He likes that she's shorter than him in her bare feet and takes advantage of the moment by bending down to kiss her.

" You'll make us late. " she gasps when he stops for air.

" We could be- oh my _god_ , Amy, get out! "

" Morning, big brother. " she says, eyes screwed shut. " Hands where I can see them please. Both of you. "

Addison frantically smooths down her rumpled robe, glaring at him.

" No wonder it takes you so long to get dressed, Addie. Anyway, can I get a ride to the hospital? "

" What for? " he asks, annoyed at the disruption of his perfect morning.

" Well, I am a surgeon, so when I go to a hospital I generally - Addie. You didn't _tell_ him?"

" Tell him what? " she inquires, mouth slightly open as she does her lipstick.

" That you hired me?"

" _What? "_ he picks the tube out of Addison's hand and glares at her. " You did _what?_ "

" Oh, that. It's your belated Christmas gift. Enjoy. "

" I'll. .. wait downstairs. " Amelia says, shaking with suppressed giggles. " Fight, if you want to, but please can you save the makeup sex for later because I don't wanna be late my first day, okay. "

He waits for her footsteps to fade away before he turns back to Addison. " Why wouldn't you tell me? "

She shrugs calmly, " If I did, you'd never have signed off on it. By the way, you really should read documents before you sign. I could have been stealing all your money for all you knew - you just blindly signed the contract when I showed it to you. "

He splutters with rage; the calmer she gets, the more infuriating it seems.

" I - I only signed because it was you and I trust you! And it was a contract for a junior neurosurgery attending, I didn't really pay attention. It said stuff like Harvard and Hopkins and Ginsberg, so I just signed. "

" Come on, Derek, Harvard and Hopkins and Ginsberg - it should have rung a bell. "

It's true, but she's always been the one who kept up with the minutiae of his vast family while he can barely remember where they all are at any given time.

" Well - "

" She's good. _And_ you get to be her boss. "

" That's _one_ good thing. She was late to Christmas, Addie, she's a recovering addict, she recently had a dead baby, she has no stability, she's volatile, she's everything I hate working with. "

" She was late because she was tying up loose ends in LA , she didn't want to see the family just yet, the fact that she's a _recovering_ addict proves that she's got mental strength, and as for stability , she's got us now. We're her family, Derek. "

" You're one to talk about family. " he grunts, and regrets it immediately when he notices the color rise in her pale cheeks.

" Sorry. "

" That was cheap. " she snaps, pushing past him to reach for her clothes.

" Addie, I'm sorry. " he wraps his arms around her stomach, pulling her tightly against him so she can't move. " I'm glad you hired her, I just. ... wish you had told

me. "

" You wouldn't have signed. " she says, voice thick with tears.

 _Dear twins, please stop making your mother so hormonal._

He spins her gently around to face him. " You're right, I wouldn't have. Thanks for taking advantage of me. "

She sniffles slightly. " Go apologise to

Amy. "

He kisses her softly. " Will do. I'll also make you breakfast as part of the punishment. "

The answering smile is well worth the efforts in the kitchen at six in the morning, so he leaves her to get ready and wanders down to the kitchen to find his sister eating cereal out of the box and sitting on the countertop, both of which would undoubtedly get her a lecture from his wife.

So , pettily, he lets her do it and hopes Addison will be down soon enough to see it.

" She making you apologise? " she grins, dusted in sugary crumbs.

" What is that crap?" he picks up the box; it's violently colorful and contains enough sugar to induce a coma. " How'd Addie let this in the house? "

" The kids must have left it. " she shrugs, cramming another handful in her mouth and hopping off the counter.

 _Damn it_.

" So. Anything you guys want to tell me? " she grins widely, hopping from foot to foot like she's six again.

He hesitates a second; Addison thought it might be better if they didn't spring the pregnancy news on her so soon after her ordeal, and since she only arrived a few hours after everyone had left, she missed their official announcement.

But she might not be talking about that at all.

" Come on, did you or did you not knock her up. " she raises her eyebrows.

" Ye - how the hell do you know? "

" There's a pharmacy on her nightstand, and I'm pretty familiar with prenatal vitamins, thank you. " she rolls her eyes.

" Congratulations! "

" We didn't want to -"

" I had a brainless baby, big deal, I'm moving on. You don't have to treat me like I'm about to go mental. In fact, I'll go mental if you do. "

He stares at his diminutive sister for a minute, wondering when whining tag - along copycat Amy became the undeniably strong and fiercely independent woman in front of him.

" Deal. " he says, opening his arms,and having the air knocked out of him when she collides with his chest." As long as you keep me in the loop about everything. "

" I'm going to spoil your kid _rotten._ " she gloats.

" Kids. "

" Huh?"

" Plural. Twins. "

Her resulting squeals nearly deafen him , and bring Addison down the stairs two at time to see what happened.

Amy throws her arms around Addison instead. " We're going to Paris on their thirteenth, you're not invited. Also, I will totally gloat if you get stretch marks. My _god_ , your boobs look good. "

Addison gives him a bewildered look over Amy's head, and he shakes his head apologetically.

" She figured it out herself. "

" Damn right I did. I'm awesome. " she grins cockily. " I will give you ten minutes of alone time to get the nauseating PDA over with, then I expect you in the car. I'm driving, and we're taking that shiny Mercedes I spied last night. "

 _Amy's back._

* * *

 ** _IZZIE'S POV_**

Sometimes she really questions the decision to become a doctor.

It's seven am the day after Christmas and she's in a freaking hospital for gods sake, her baby is spending the day in a daycare instead of at home with her parents.

Admittedly, the hospital is decorated almost as cheerily as their little apartment, but there's something offputting about the sick and dying people part that makes her question her decision to be a doctor.

She sees Addison up ahead, and since rude inappropriate questions seem to be their thing, she marches up to her.

" What is it this time, Stevens? " the redhead drawls.

" Huh?"

" You have that look on your face, the same one you did before you asked me if I'm rich. And before you asked me if it's adultery if it feels right .So whatever it is, let it out. I could use a laugh. "

"Do you ever wish you hadn't been a doctor? I mean, I was a lingerie model. I could have done that till I got all old and wrinkled . Come to think of it, so could you. I mean, you're _hot._ Like. ... really _hot."_

She turns slowly to stare at her . "Stevens. Stop talking. Because right now, I _am_ wishing I wasn't a doctor. Maybe we should go model underwear together."

" Definitely. " Derek grins, coming up with two cups in hand, one of which he gives to Addison." Tea."

" Why are we talking about underwear? " he asks.

" Because I might lose my medical licence and I need a job. Although I'll probably get stretch marks, so modeling might be out. "

" Who's modeling? " Mark grins.

" Addie and Stevens. " Derek stifles a laugh. " After they lose their licenses. "

" _Excellent._ " Mark leers.

" But they're not going to, so stop looking at my wife. " Derek says, stepping dramatically between Mark and Addison, making the redhead laugh ,albeit reluctantly, and the relief that flits across his face at the sound makes her wonder if it really true about soulmates and one true loves.

" You could call it. .. the Nymphs of the NICU. " Mark chortle, clearly pleased with himself.

" Sloan, that will never come out of your mouth again. " Richard warns , looking disgusted. " Where's Grey? "

" What for? No offense, but she's not the model type. "

" _Mark._ " Addison grinds a heel into his foot.

" What? She's got no -"

" _Do_ not finish that sentence. " Richard begs, clapping his hands over his ears.

" Well, let's just say Lexie got all the genes Meredith didn't. " Mark says saucily, and Addison and Derek both double over in laughter.

" Anyway, Addie, it'll be you, Grey, Sloan, little Grey and Stevens in there today, and me, as acting Chief. We're just getting everything that happened straight with our legal team, so that when it's time for the deposition we're prepared. "

He looks at them approvingly, taking in the formal outfits they've worn in place of scrubs. "Thank god you all look presentable. You know , I was thinking of billboards -"

" **_NO_**. " they chorus at once.

"Think of it as a fundraising initiative! "

" We're _doctors._ " Derek sniffs.

"Yeah." Mark agrees , shifting uncomfortably.

"Good looking trustworthy doctors! Come on, just a couple pictures." he begs.

" Addison, please give birth as soon as possible and become Chief again. " she says.

"Richard, seriously? Billboards?" Addison snorts.

" You have a better idea? "he demands.

" We could have a party!" she grins.

" Okay, tell me where to pose. " Mark groans.

* * *

 ** _MEREDITH'S POV_**

She hates the holidays.

Yesterday she had to suffer through Izzie and George singing carols all day long, Alex getting drunk on eggnog and throwing up after too many cookies and Cristina failed to put in an appearance and spent the day with her boyfriend.

And Finn gave her a _ring_ for Christmas.

Not an engagement ring, which he specified immediately after she opened it, but just _to remember him by_.

Like she doesn't see him every night after work.

She gave him a sweater.

And today she gets to spend the day with her boyfriends wife, his best friend, Izzie, who has totally swung to the dark side and is Addison's _friend_ , her half sister who is shacked up with her co-dirty mistress and the man who left her mother and ruined her childhood.

Maybe she should have taken the residency in Florida, because Seattle Grace is turning into an incestuous mosh pit.

"You look -"

" Good? " she asks hopefully.

" Weird. " Cristina finishes. " Like a funeral director or something. "

" I wore this to my med school interviews! "

" Well, good thing your mommy's famous. "

" I'm going to be sitting in a room while a bunch of lawyers discuss exactly how and where I screwed up, how does it matter what I wear? "

" Your funeral. " she shrugs.

An hour later she's sandwiched between Sloan and She -Shepherd, squirming as they recount what happened in the OR that day.

" That's all. Dr's Sloan and Grey, you can leave, thank you for your cooperation. "

She rises automatically and is halfway to the door before she realises they're staring at her like she's sprouted horns.

" Er - the other Dr. Grey. " the guy from legal smiles stiffly.

 _Nice. Just me and Satan, har har, not awkward at all._

" So," Legal Guy begins after Lexie and Mark leave. "It has come to our notice that there is a - connection, of sorts, between you two? "

He's addressing Addison, who looks completely unfazed as she says " By connection, I suppose you are referring to the relationship my husband had with Dr. Grey? "

" Yes." he says, flushing under her cool gaze.

" It's over. " she smiles.

He looks expectantly at her, and she manages to say something along the lines of " Yes, it's over. "

" And you and Dr. Sloan -" he turns back to Addison.

" You're very well informed, Mr. Colby. That is also over. "

" You're aware that the Brandons lawyer could write a soap opera about this? I mean, the mistress bungling the wife's surgery and the wife's lover helping her fix it. " he clarifies, losing all pretence of formality.

Addison bursts out laughing and follows his lead." Jack, this whole place is a daytime TV show. You know that. "

 _They know each other?_

" Too well. I remember you turning me down for a date the day after you arrived here. "

She grins reminiscently."I'm married. "

" I know that now, but I didn't then. " he chuckles. " Anyway, you know what happens if Meredith pleads guilty, we've discussed this. "

They both nod.

" And Meredith - I'll call you Meredith, we're going to be seeing a _lot_ of each other - you know what happens if Addison settles out of court. "

She nods again, feeling like a bobblehead ." I can't accept that. "

" You do realise you're looking at the hospital possibly going bankrupt and you losing your license? "

" Yes. "

Addison turns in her chair to face her.

" Meredith, please -"

" I can't take your charity. " she says flatly, and the look on Addison's face is hilarious.

 _That's what rejection feels like._

" I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for this hospital, my reputation is sound enough to take the hit, I'm almost fully insured and if they go after me it'll be for non supervision of a employee, not medical negligence. Or ineptitude, as is your case. "

 _Ouch._

" If you go to court, you'll likely lose the right to practice medicine and there's no guarantee the hospital will back you fully. " Legal -Guy-named-Jack says.

" I'll take my chances. " she shrugs.

" Meredith, please don't do this to yourself. "Addison says, and the pity in her eyes strengthens her resolve.

" You pretty much did this to me. " she replies, getting up and gathering her files and folders. " I don't have much left to lose now, Jack, so let them take me to court. "

* * *

 ** _JACK'S_** ** _POV_**

" All morning - we spent _all_ _morning_ putting together a strategy to keep her from being dragged through the mud - and she just throws it in the trash and walks out. " she fumes, pacing wildly in front of him and his team.

"She's made her stand on this pretty clear, so I think you should relax and find ways for the hospital to actually pay the settlement they'll ask for. " he says, wondering how long it'll take her to wear a hole in the carpet.

Not long, in those heels.

" Richard wants to put up billboards to increase patient volume. " she laughs, stopping with her hands on her hips. " Billboards, with our faces on them. "

He grins mischievously. " I'd totally go to a hospital if I knew I'd be checked out by you. Or Torres. "

"Eyes off Callie, you miserable flirt. She's with someone. "

" Damn. I'm always too late. " he quips, shutting his briefcase and standing up.

She resumes her pacing .

" Addison, let go of it. She's made her choice. It's a choice that might leave us all with no jobs, but there's nothing you can do now. "

" I can't let her do this to the hospital! She has to understand, it's not for her."

He places an understanding hand on her shoulder and frowns.

She looks pale up close, and sweaty.

" You all right? " he asks tactfully.

Addison Shepherd does not take well to unsolicited concern, as he knows all too well.

" Fine. " she brushes him away. " I'm kind of doing it for her, in a way. If I had been watching her. .."

" I'm no doctor but I'll go out on a limb here and say it was a simple procedure she messed up . _You_ need to figure out if you're feeling guilty for picking an incompetent resident or for being married to the guy she wants. "

She gives him a death glare that makes him feel bad for Derek Shepherd. The man probably never wins any arguments at home.

" Derek left Meredith a long time ago, it's in the past. We've all moved on."

" You and Shepherd have moved on - I've seen you two around here and I'll admit to a little jealousy at all the perfection - but I assure you that Meredith Grey has 's on the edge here, Addison, you need to understand that. She's lost her boyfriend, possibly her job, and the license to practice medicine without someone breathing down her neck. She's disillusioned and self destructive. "

She stares at him, eyes wide. "You're a lawyer..."

" I majored in psychology in college. " he grins, patting her on the hand.

" Well, Mr. Shrinky Lawyer, tell me how to get Grey off her stupid edge before she ruins us all. " she says, shaking her head in amusement.

" Talk to her. Nicely . "

" You think I can't be nice? " she demands.

" Oh, I'm sure you can. I'm just not sure you'll want to be nice. So I reminded you. "

" Fine. I'll talk to her and see if I can change her mind before the actual deposition. "

" Good . And try not to give yourself a coronary while you do it. "

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

Archer is annoying.

Her mother is infuriating.

Derek is stubborn.

Mark is slippery and glib.

Meredith Grey is all those things in one and she's not sure how much longer she's got before she wrings the girl's scrawny neck.

She managed to corral her into a conference room on her way to lunch with Callie, and she sent Callie ahead so she could have a little time to get through to the blonde resident.

 _This is so not working._

" Addison, thank you for offering. But I can't accept your charity. "

" Don't think of it as charity, Grey, it's a way to save the damn hospital. I won't let you take away the jobs of over a thousand people, shut down the best surgical residency on this coast and stop life saving research just because you don't _feel right_ about it. "

" You won't _let me_? I'm sorry, but my choice is made. I'm not letting you bail me out and lord it over me forever. "

She sucks in a deep breath.

" I would never do that. "

" You already are !"

" _What?_ "

" You come here all leggy and fabulous, take my Derek, and when I thought I finally had him, he went back to you. And then you become my boss, you're walking the halls holding hands and you're freaking _pregnant_ and I'm the sorry idiot who screwed up and ruined everything. So please, Dr. Montgomery, try to understand why I can't possibly take your pity money, because you're _everywhere_. I need to do this on my own. "

" She _said_ that? " Izzie exclaims as they scrub out four hours later.

" Could you talk to her, please?" she asks, closing her eyes against the woozy feeling she's had for the last half hour.

" Yeah - I mean, sure, she's hurt and humiliated, but Mer is sensible, she wouldn't -Addison? What's wrong? "

" Nothing. " she mutters, reaching for a towel to dry off, and then she feels the first cramp , sending her wet hands down to her abdomen.

" Oh, god, you look like you're going to faint. " Izzie grabs her arms and eases her to the ground. " Breathe. In and out. Did you eat? "

Another cramp, more vicious than the first, and her vision is starting to get fuzzy and black at the edges.

" I'll take that as a no. " she mutters, and she's yelling for a gurney and her scrub nurse is here too and everyone's voices mesh together in a roar that fades to silence as they wheel her down the corridor.

* * *

 _ **So, do you want Jack to stay?**_

 _ **Also, Amy's back. I love her too much.**_

 _ **Please review!**_


	39. Chapter 39

**_Okay,first of all, sorry for the late update._**

 ** _Genuine,heartfelt thanks and gratitude to all the reviewers, and kisses to the ones who responded to the weird ranty guest reviewer._**

 ** _Dear Weird Ranty Guest Reviewer,_**

 ** _On the verrrry off chance you're masochistically still reading this, I'd like to be clear that I will write Addek till the day I die. Maddisin is as adventurous as I get. MerD_** ** _er for me are no fun to write._**

 ** _I hope you find the MerDer fic of your dreams , but it won't be mine._**

 _ **...**_

 _ **Also this is going to be my last update for a while- exams are looming and unfortunately writing fanficton gets me no grades.**_

 _ **Stay with me!**_

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

" Has anyone seen Addison? " he asks to the scrub room in general, and gets a chorus of mumbles and head shakes in response.

She had a surgery on the board for one to four - if she knew he was checking her schedule she'd throw a fit for sure - but she's not there.

He's on her way down to her office when he hears voices up ahead, and since one thing Seattle Grace has taught him is that gossip is currency, he stops short of the corner to listen.

" _You're_ Meredith? Meredith Grey? "

" Yes. How may I help you, Dr. - oh. Dr. Shepherd. "

This situation has the potential to become nuclear, so he steps in quickly.

" Amy-"

"Derek, really? I know it was a midlife crisis, but you went from like a Maserati to a ... Civic,or something."

"Filter." he hisses,grabbing her arm and steering her away.

"See ya, Meredith." she calls over her shoulder, and as soon as they're out of earshot he pins her to a wall by her swingy ponytail.

"Do. Not. Go after Meredith Grey."

"Let go of my hair." she scowls.

"Say you won't."

"Won't what ." she asks,petulant, and he's reminded of arguments over remote controls and the last popsicle.

"Torture Meredith."

"Why do you care ?" she cocks her head.

"I - she's just going through a rough patch, okay, she doesn't need to have you harassing her."

"She's a big girl, Derek, she can take care of herself. Maybe you should spend more time worrting about your actual children ,instead of your twelve year old intern, because if I recall correctly ,as of this morning your _wife_ was pregnant."

"Don't lecture me." he snaps.

"I'll torture whatever resident I want to." she squirms free and saunters backwards down the corridor. "And if you're nice to me I won't tell Addie you were protecting your little intern."

He sighs and heads back towards Addison's office,hoping to find her there .

His pager goes off, and he impatiently clicks it to turn off the annoying noise.

He's not on call, he's done with all his surgeries for the day,and finding Addison is his priority right now.

He sees dirty blonde hair whip into a closet, and the door shut behind it.

 _Should I ?_

 _It's sort of my fault. First I didn't tell her I was married, then I left her for my wife, then I went **back** to her, and then got back with my wife._

 _You screwed up, Shepherd._

He mutes his pager and places a hand on the doorknob. He opens the door tentatively, making sure there are no projectiles flying at his head.

"Meredith?"

"Leave me alone." she pleads, and the raw emotion in her voice is heartbreaking.

"Are you okay?"

His pager vibrates again and he almost smashes it again the wall.

"No,I'm not. I'm not okay, Derek, and you being here all dreamy and concerned is not helping, so please leave me alone." her voice hitches on the last words, and she lashes out with tiny ineffectual fists he used to find adorable.

"Leave me alone." she sobs, her fingers curling into his lab coat,tears soaking through his shirt.

"Not like this."

" _Please._ "

He sighs and gently untangles her fingers.

"Take care of yourself,Meredith."

He's halfway out the door when he hears her sob his name.

"Stay." she begs, and he does.

 _One last time._ _I can't leave her like this._

 _..._

" Jesus H. _Christ._ "

He jerks awake to the sound of the door bouncing off the wall as Mark slams it open.

" I'd prefer it if you were dead in a ditch somewhere like we thought, because anything is better than this." he gestures to where he's sitting on the floor, holding a tear sodden Meredith,who is asleep against his shoulder, and apparently he dozed off too.

"I'm sorry, it's not what it looks like-"

"What is it then? Because to me, it looks a hell of a lot like you holed up in a closet with your girlfriend while your wife-" he takes a deep breath. "Grey,get up."

"Addie? You know where she is?"

"Shouldn't you?" he counters, dragging Meredith to her feet.

"She was upset, Mark, I just-"

"Room 718 . Go." he snaps, barely looking at him as he guides Meredith out of the closet.

"Derek?" she questions.

"You get me, kid." Mark mutters to her.

"718, Derek, _go."_

 _718 is OB GYN._

And as he takes off running down the hall, Meredith starts to cry again.

...

"What happened?" he asks breathlessly.

"Where you been?" Bailey demands as he cranes his head to see her.

"What happened?" he repeats ; Bailey's interrogation, while well deserved, is going to have to wait for later.

She sighs resignedly. " Superwoman here was scrubbing out when she started feelin a bit dizzy, and before you know it she's here , dehydrated , hypoglycaemic and hypotensive."

She's propped up in bed, small and paler than usual, Amy stroking her hair and whispering in her ear.

"Addie." he breathes in relief, hugging her tight while trying to avoid her IV and the leads attached to her chest.

"Are you okay?" he asks, taking over for Amy as she goes to stand by the door.

"Derek, there was cramping, and we haven't done the ultrasound yet-" she says, tears beginning to form.

" _Now_ she cries." Bailey mutters.

"Are _you_ okay." he asks again, pulling away for a moment to look her in the eyes so she knows he's serious.

"I'm fine, but the -"

"Shut up a minute , Shepherd , would you?" Teddy says testily as she slides a stethoscope under Addison's hospital gown.

She stays silent while Teddy finishes her exam, reaching for his hand.

"I'm hearing some fluid in your lungs." Teddy says, and his mind starts racing.

 _Congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema,r left ventricular failure,..._

"It's not much, could just be a cold." Teddy's saying.

"Yeah, a cold." Addison says quickly.

"Have you been taking your meds?"

"Of course."

"Your ECG is normal... I'm giving you something for that fluid buildup and that cough, so it doesn't turn into pneumonia... and you're on bedrest until I say otherwise."

She waves away her squawks of protest,scribbles a prescription for antibiotics which she hands to him, and leaves before Addison can strangle her with the ECG leads.

"Where were you?" she asks, sinking defeated into her pillow.

"I -." he's interrupted by Lucy Fields rolling an ultrasound machine into the room, followed by Callie and Arizona and Mark.

"Great." he mumbles.

"We'll wait outside."Callie says after she's made sure Addison is still alive.

"Ready?" Fields asks when they've left, Mark dragging Amy by the elbow.

"Just do it."Addison grits, and he wraps his fingers reassuringly around hers.

She doesn't flinch at the cold gel, staring fixedly at the screen that will tell them if they're still going to be parents or not.

"Little lower."she orders as Fields moves the transducer over her skin. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she chuckles. " I knew this would happen when I took you on as a patient."

"See there?" she exhales as she finds just the right point. "Two healthy heartbeats, right on track for ten weeks... little on the small side, actually, but that's understandable given your trouble with nausea."

"It's better now."

"No it isn't." he insists.

Lucy and Addison both stare at him.

"Honey,you're neither an OB nor pregnant. Butt out."

He goes back to holding her hand while Fields does the rest of the exam,concurring with Addison that the cramping was normal for this stage of the pregnancy as her body adapted, and the bleeding was cervical changes.

" You want to sign the chart too?" Lucy teases her as she strips off her gloves.

"She would if she could get away with it."he assures the woman.

He turns to his wife once she's gone.

" Hypoglycaemia and dehydration? Really?"

"I skipped lunch." she mutters,looking away.

"Why?" he asks,frustrated.

"I was talking to Meredith,trying to get her to see she's ruining a lot of lives if she decides not to let me settle." she says, throwing her hands up in frustration.

"I told you to let that go!"

"I know what you _told_ me,Derek, it doesn't mean I'm going to do everything you say."

"You could seriously hurt yourself."

"Like you were worried the approximately twenty times we paged you." she snaps, taking her hand back and folding her arms across her chest. " Where were you, anyway?"

"Yeah,Derek,where _were_ you?" Mark asks, coming through the door with Amy.

"I saw you on the OR floor ,like, three minutes before Bailey paged me about Addie,and she says she paged you first..." Amy chimes in, sliding into bed next to Addison with her arms round her shoulders.

Addison stares at him, cool and calculating.

He can practically hear the thoughts whirling in her head.

"I was-" he starts, faltering under his wife's questioning gaze.

"Derek?" she breathes, and he can see her shoulders hunch defensively,somehow sensing that it's not something she'd like to hear.

"Go on." Mark prompts sadistically.

"Oh my god."Amy says, realisation dawning on her face. "She was there when I left... and you-" she breaks off and smacks him in the chest with a small fist. "Jerk."

"What?" Addison demands, confused.

"I was with Meredith."he says, the words tumbling out all at once.

"Mere- why?" she asks, confused.

"She was crying, and she -"

"Save it." she snaps,eyes shuttering over instantly .

"Addie,I-"

"Derek, I had you paged _twenty_ the pages, and tell me why I shouldn't be mad. And even if your pager was on vibrate, why the hell wouldn't you at least read it?"

He flips the tiny device out of his pocket.

 _Room 718, 911._

 _Room 718, 911, Addison._

 _Room 718, Where the hell are you._

"I'm sorry,honey,I -"

"Fell asleep holding Meredith while she sobbed." Mark says brutally.

" _What?"_

"Mark!"

 _He's supposed to be **my** best friend._

"I did tell you you were on your last chance here," he shrugs . " Addie's my friend,too."

"Is that all she is?" he asks before he knows what he's saying.

"You have some nerve-" Mark snarls.

" Stop." Addison sighs,and they remember why they're here in the first place.

" Addie,I'm sorry,but it wasn't the way it sounds, she was just scared and alone and I swear it was only because I was the only one there. If I had known you were here, I would have gotten someone else to look after her."

She flings back the sheets covering her legs and reaches for her clothes."Give me the keys."

"What?"

"The keys, Derek. To that death trap jeep of yours. I'm going home. You probably have something to finish up here, so you'll have to call a cab. "

"I- let me drive you."

"And ignore Mrs.O'Briens pituitary carcinoma? I'm sure it's more important. "

 _She knows my OR schedule?_

"Addie,don't be like that. Amy, could you take the tumor resection?"

"I'll drive ." she suggests, ignoring his glare and wrapping an arm around Addison's waist.

...

He lets the cab driver go at the turn off to their house - the one that Mark always misses and keeps complainine about- and walks the rest of the way,letting the cold air clear the cobwebs in his head.

Meredith.

He doesn't love her, or at least not anymore, because the night he met her, she was pretty and young and just drunk enough to sleep with a guy from a bar.

That , right there, should have stopped his fairytale-spinning in its tracks,because who the hell ever met the love of their lives in a grimy bar?

She has no idea who he is, she sees McDreamy, world class neurosurgeon, her too-good-to-be-true boyfriend, the guy who lets her scrub in on surgeries far out of her depth and who half the nurses are hung up on.

He has no idea who she is, beyond the publicly acknowledged fact that she is Ellis Grey's daughter,which seems to give her a slight sense of entitlement, and that she likes strawberry ice cream and tequila and considers herself to be 'dark and twisty.'

Addison.

He loves her, always has, and always will, no matter how infuriating she is.

He's known her for sixteen years now, a third of their lives, she's seen him go from cocky med student to inept intern to frazzled resident to the surgeon he is today.

She knows why he likes sixteen towels in his OR, she knows he likes his coffee with two sugars and no cream, she knows he'll be in a bad mood on the nineteenth of October and that he hogs the newspaper every morning.

She knows he'll leave his clothes on the floor and eat the last piece of cake and leave beer bottles lying around.

She knows him, and she's utterly unimpressed by McDreamy because she knows he's a mask.

He knows her too, he knows Addie,not just , he knows that she rambles when she's nervous and chatters constantly when she's happy, that her parents drive her insane and that she organises her closet with military precision .

He knows that she likes candles and flowers and won't open up to anyone unless she absolutely trusts them and that she rarely gets drunk because she has herculean alcohol tolerance and she drinks her coffee strong and black, that she hates tweed and that she will also eat the last piece of cake.

They _know_ each other and still they love each other

That sort of love doesn't fade overnight.

So why does he find himself comforting Meredith Grey when in all possibility it's her fault that his pregnant wife nearly collapsed today?

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He parks behind Derek's decrepit jeep, remembering long pointless drives in it on weekends spent lazing around their Hamptons house, sloppy picnic lunches and champagne for no reason, the three of them gradually dwindling to two.

And then Derek drove the stupid thing across the country, causing Addie to go mental worrying.

Not that he cared worth a damn.

He finds Addison and Amy on the couch , curled up with mugs of hot chocolate, watching a beauty pageant and making bitchy comments - a favorite pastime of theirs, he remembers with a shudder.

"Wanna join?" Amy asks,peering at him over her mug, which he suspects might be spiked with bourbon.

"She's ugly."he says, participating.

"She's the judge , Mark." Addison rolls her eyes.

"She doesn't matter."

 _Oh._

"Well,you're prettier than all of them anyway." he says on his way to find a beer , drawing a small smile that feels like a victory.

"She's a mess." Amy hisses as she rummages in a over head cabinet for something." Where the hell is Derek?"

"Surgery." he hoists her up by the waist ; she inherited the Shepherd brains but clearly missed out on the height. " Why didn't you take over for him?"

"She didn't want him here for a while,which is understandable." she huffs,pulling out a bottle of Woodford Reserve that she upends into her mug.

"Don't hold back." he smirks, watching her top it off with marshmallows so Addison doesn't notice.

" Shut up, I'm off work tomorrow."

"Good. You can make sure Addison stays put."

"Ooh,fun." she grimaces.

They return to the family room to find Callie sobbing in a bewildered Addison's lap, apologising profusely and wiping her nose on the cashmere throw.

" Ella me dejó."she explains in response to Addison's gentle probing, and Amy uses her high school Spanish to deduce that Arizona has finally hightailed it to Malawi , the final spur being the blue smiley on the test Callie took last week.

Which is also the reason Lexie took her clothes back to her sister's frat house after Christmas with the Shepherds, stating that she's way too young for all the baby drama.

He hates blue smileys.

"This place is _cool_." Amy announces, turning off the beauty pageant in favor of Callie's histrionics.

"Four months! I'm four months pregnant before she realises she doesn't want a baby."

" _You_ only found out when you were four months along." Addison points out.

"I wasn't really paying attention, what with trying to decide if I'm straight or gay." she sniffles.

"You're bi?" Amy asks sarcastically.

"Well, I just told you about my girlfriend leaving me because I'm pregnant with _his_ kid, so yes." she snaps , jabbing a finger at Mark.

"Wait- Sloan, you loser,why didn't you tell me?"Amy chokes .

" You've been here two days!" he protests.

"So?"she glares.

"I'm all alone!" Callie bawls.

"Hey, am I interrupt- oh. I am." Richard pikes his head around the open door.

" _Richard?"_ Addison says. "Come in!"

 _Can this get any weirder?_

"I thought I'd come see you, after what happened today." he smiles warmly, handing her a container of soup." From Adele,she thinks you're too skinny."

"I'm pregnant too, where's my soup?" Callie wails, causing Addison to sigh and pull her head to her shoulder, patting comfortingly.

"Wait- Torres, I thought you and Robbins... how does that work, then?" Richard fumbles, making Callie sob harder.

"Me." he supplies from his spot on Derek's favorite recliner.

"Sloan? How-"

"The usual way,Chief." he grins, enjoying the older man's obvious discomfort.

"This place is unbelievable." he mutters.

"Sorry about this."Addison says,pointing to Callie's quivering head.

"Oh,no, not at all... actually, I was just wondering-"

 _Here it comes._

"- since you're on bedrest, could you, uh, plan the hospital fundraiser? It's in two weeks."

"Of _course_."she beams,reaching eagerly for the binder he hands her.

"You've created a monster , Richard." he warns, earning himself a pillow to the chest, but it's worth it to see something other than dejection on her face.

"Party?" Callie asks hopefully.

"Yup."

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

Richard and Mark sneakily turn on a football game , and Amy starts rooting through Derek's neuro journals, Callie seems to be engrossed in the party planning binder, so when Mark slides onto the couch behind her and gently rubs her shoulders, it isn't long before she feels herself drifting to sleep.

She's exhausted,from the legal meeting, from Meredith, from her surgery,from the fainting incident,from Derek's slipping slowly away.

She rests a hand over her abdomen- just that morning she'd thought she saw a slight bump, but it was just the light.

But it's comforting to know she's not alone- and never will be again. She'll have the two tiny people growing inside of her, the lives that she and Derek created.

 _Even if he doesn't want them,I do._

But that's ridiculous, of course he wants them.

He's always wanted kids, four, he said to her once,and she'd nearly choked.

He wouldn't leave now,that's not the person he is.

He's the person who lets her steal the covers at night and snuggles closer for warmth instead, the person who buys every journal she's published in even if it makes no sense to him and who unabashedly keeps a wedding photo on his desk at work and kisses her goodnight even if he thinks she's asleep.

Then again, he's also the person who forgot her thirty ninth birthday _( and thirty eighth,although Mark saved his ass that time.)_ and their eleventh anniversary and who barely spoke two words to his wife for months in end and who threw her out in the rain and drove crosscountry to a new life without so much as a phone call, found a wide eyed girlfriend and called her an adulterous bitch in a crowded hospital lobby.

He might leave.

...

She wakes up with a jolt , somehow in their bed, cheeks humiliatingly damp, a large hand stroking her hair and blue eyes glittering in the darkness.

"I'm sorry." he whispers.

 _This is it, this is where he tells me it's not working after all, this is where I lose it all._

"Why." she hates how flat she sounds, robotic,but it's necessary in order to armor plate her heart.

"I should have been there sooner today."he says,pulling her closer .

She doesn't resist.

"It's okay. I'll get used to it."

His hand in her hair stills. " To what?"

"You not being there."

"Addison," he cups her face and forces her to look at him. " Don't _ever_ think that I'm leaving again. I'm here whether you want me or not, I'm never leaving you or the twins- honey,I love you, more than anything. Why would you even think that?"

"Meredith." she rasps,embarrassed tears springing to her eyes again.

"Addie, that was nothing. She was a mess, I was worried, that's all. You - and these two- are my priority." he slides a cold hand below her nightshirt and she shivers.

"Sorry." he pulls back,but she traps his hand with one of hers.

"It's okay." she breathes, and he knows she's not just talking about his icy hand.

Which is warming up pretty quickly next to her skin, rubbing soothing circles over her belly.

"Feeling better?" he asks.

"Yeah. Amy made hot chocolate , marshmallows and everything." she grins; it's good to have Amy here, she'd forgotten how much fun she is.

"Take care of yourself, Addie, I do everything I can but in the end you're the one who's pregnant. No repeats of today."

"I'm not stupid ." she mutters into the crook of his neck." Amy's home all day 're planning the party."

"God save us all."he jokes, and she shoves playfully at his chest.

"I love you." he says impulsively, raising her hand to his lips.

"That'll get you laid for sure." she cracks, smiling as his lips capture hers,slow and sweet.

He moves over her, deepening the kiss, and she slides his shirt over his head,craving bare skin, weaves her hands through his hair and drags him closer.

Later, with her head pillowed on his chest,she whispers _I love you_ back to him, and receives a snore in answer.

 _Typical._

* * *

 ** _Please review!_**

 ** _And leave prompts,.suggestions, requests, whatever, I love to know what you guys want to see!_**


	40. Chapter 40

**_I'm so so sorry I haven't updated in ages; I love you for keeping the interest alive!_**

 ** _I swear I won't be a sloth from now on._** ** _Enjoy!_**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"Uh."

"Don't even say it."

"What-"

" _Don't._ "

"-happened here?" he finishes weakly,despite Mark's warnings.

"This, my friend," he makes a sweeping gesture around the room "is what happens when two pregnant women plan a party."

"Two pregnant chicks and one hot chick," Amy corrects, sidling past in a dress he's not sure he approves of. "I'm in charge of the booze."

"Is that -wise?" he asks Mark after she's left.

"Who cares. Just don't ask Callie about Addison. I'm warning you, do not do anything to ruin this evening or they will kill you and sell the parts for cash."

"Duly noted."

He stares dumbfounded at the room that his wife and Mark's - well,whatever Callie is to Mark - have transformed into some sort of medieval _ball masque_.

"Where are they?" he jumps out of the way of a waitress in a feathered green mask.

"Hell if I know. Put your mask on."

"No way."

"If I have to,you have to."

"Yeah."Owen chimes in,looking uncomfortable in his tux.

"Who made you come?"Mark snorts.

"Cristina." He points at her where she's already standing at the bar, in a purple mask and a dress that toes the line between slutty and sexy, a fact which does not escape Mark's notice and he distracts him before Owen can notice.

"Isn't that Lexie?" he peers towards the entrance, thronged with people buying raffle tickets.

"Maybe." Mark says,shifting uneasily. "I need a drink. Anyone coming?"

"Me." Owen says immediately.

"I'll catch up later, I want to find Addison first."

He makes his way through the room, trying to recognise various hospital personnel as he goes, picking out Bailey and her husband in matching bright yellow , Richard and Adele, a tall blonde in red he thinks might be Teddy -or Stevens, Karev looking like a bear stuffed into a suit, O'Malley sweaty and nervous, clutching the hand of one of the new interns.

Meredith in black, a silver mask covering most of her face,with Finn.

And Amy, with that guy from legal - _Joe? Jim? -_ who's been handling the lawsuit.

 _When did that happen?_

He shakes it off as he searches the ballroom for a flash of crimson hair, his usual way of finding his wife,and coming up empty handed.

He leaves the room, music pounding behind him as he trails through the corridors of the hotel, and on an impulse he hopes is wrong,turns into the first women's restroom he sees.

Unfortunately,he's right.

"Addie?"

"Crap," she mutters, glaring at him in the mirror.

"Come on, now, I don't look that bad." he jokes. "Although _you_ look stunning."

"Ha ha."

"You do." he wraps her in a hug,brushing soft red waves out of her face. "Nauseous?"

"A bit. I took the stupid Zofran,I'm not going to puke tonight if kills me,but I felt so horrible I came in here just in case so I wouldn't mess up my dress."

"Wouldn't want to do that," he grins,admiring the way the black silk clings to her body, the flash of skin through the thigh high slit,his favorite heels.

"Well,enjoy it while you can, because I will resemble a whale in a few months." she says glumly, straightening his tie.

"You'll still be beautiful." he says,sighing as she examines herself unnecessarily in the mirror.

"Are there people out there?"

"Yeah," he frowns. " Addie,just how many did you-"

"Gotta go."she sings, already halfway out the door.

"This blows."Karev mutters,flopping ungracefully into a chair at the table where he's sitting with Mark and Owen.

"Attendings only." Mark drawls.

"Come on, we men have to stick together. The women have gone nuts."

"Where's your woman?" Mark asks.

"On the phone with the babysitter. For the tenth time."

"Mine is chatting up a eighty year old for donations."Owen snickers, and they turn to watch Cristina smiling predatorily at a frightened looking old man.

"Why?" he asks.

" Because it's a _charity_ event." Addison says sweetly behind them,eyes narrowing behind her black lace mask. "Get off your asses and collect some cheques."

"But Addie-" Mark whines.

"The one who collects the most gets the biggest share for their department." she says, raising an eyebrow, and they leap up.

"You're going down, Shepherd."Owen grins, rubbing his hands together.

"Which one?" he asks,offended.

"Both of too,Sloan."

"Eat your words,Hunt."Mark says,scanning the room and making for an old woman dripping in jewelry who's just teetered her way into the room.

He picks a likely-looking gentleman on the other end of the ballroom and starts up a conversation, quickly regretting it when he gets an earful about how hospitals fleece patients and how he's only here for his family's foundation which has been associated with the hospital for decades and how some doctor botched his hernia repair and...

Addison's batting her lashes at a wrinkled octogenarian,giggling and tossing her hair,and he suddenly finds an excuse to be across the room.

"What are you doing?" he asks mildly, smiling apologetically at the disappointed man as he wraps a firm hand around her arm and pulls her away.

"Beating you?"

"Charity, darling, not coercion."

"I wasn't _coercing_ him. He was very-what shall we say," she waves a cheque with a dizzying line of zeros on it. " _Generous._ "

"Of course he was, you were practically in his lap."

"All is fair in- whatever. I'm beating you."

"No you're not. I can be flirty too."

"So go be flirty. Look at Mark."

"Oh. Poor little old lady."

"She didn't stand a chance."

"Hello, losers." Mark's greets them,tucking his cheque into his pocket and trying to peek at Addison's.

"It's bigger." he assures him.

"Damn."

"Well, _go_. Schmooze,flirt,coerce." she shoos them.

"Yes, milady. Save us a dance." Mark says,diving back into the crowd.

"Wait," he yanks her against him."Don't flirt _too_ hard. Your husband might be jealous."

"Oh," she pouts,disappointed. " I was going to do _this_ -" she kisses him , deep and promising more- "but I won't, now."

"You'd better not." he lets go of her, smiling. "Unless its me."

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He pockets another insubstantial cheque from a widowed automobile-factory-owning matron, only feeling slightly ashamed.

Derek seems to have made progress, Yang is practically prostituting herself - to good avail, Stevens has charmed some chequebooks out of pockets, Karev is -well, he's trying,anyway, and the Webers are doing the funny joking couple thing, which seems to be a hit.

Teddy is in serious conversation with a group of stuffy looking bankers, Lexie is laughing wildly at something someone has said , and he spies Addison a few tables over, smiling in the way he knows heralds trouble as she talks to the CEO of something and Meredith is holding the vet's hand as they chat cutely with a group of trustees.

"Mark. _Mark._ "

"Callie?"

"The mask hides like half my face Mark, don't be stupid. Obviously it's me."

"Why are you hiding?" he eyes her warily, standing between a pillar and a large potted plant.

"She's here."

"Huh?"

"She's _here_."

"Who?"

 _"She's_ here!"

"You've emphasised both words and I still haven't understood."

"Arizona," she sighs.

"Oh."

" _Oh?_ That's all?"

"Well,what else can I say?"

"Well you could think of something I can say to my lesbian lover to make her forgive me for getting pregnant!"

"Fresh out, Cal, sorry."

"Ass," she mutters,yanking her neckline up. "I can't even drink, I need a drink to get through this and I can't - where's Addison?"

"Over there. Not drinking."

"Well,I'm not going to either, I'm not completely loopy-"

"Just a little?" he teases.

"Shut up. Look, they're making us sit down now."

"Why?" he groans; he's still woefully behind in his cheque collection.

"Dunno."

* * *

 ** _BAILEY'S POV_**

Raffle prizes. Probably the best thing to happen tonight.

"I can't believe we got a babysitter and left Tuck at home for this." her husband gripes, downing his drink for the nth time.

"What do you mean,this?"

"Come on, Miranda, you people are basically hitting these people up for money and then feeding them dinner."

"The money is for saving lives, Tucker, we're not exactly going on vacation with it."

"You wouldn' never _go_ on vacations,period."

"Can you shut up? They're starting."

They're not, but she can't handle his whining a minute more. It's chilly in the room,she's regretting the thin silky yellow dress Torres assured her was _fabulous_ , and she feels like a chubby canary next to Addison Shepherd,who manages to look like she isn't ten weeks pregnant while walking around in heels that put her at nearly a foot above Bailey's head.

"Bailey, smile."

She glares at the redhead sliding onto the chair beside her."You- you are married to McDreamy. I am married to McAss as of tonight. I will not smile."

" He is." she sounds vaguely surprised." He's very dreamy, lately."

"He'd better be, seeing how he knocked you up."

"Bitter,aren't you."

"Yes. Go sit by someone who cares."

"I'm fine here."

She looks at her sideways."Thank you."

"Just return the favor tomorrow after the hearing."

She winces slightly, imagining what that will be like."Sure."

"May I?" Derek gestures to the empty chair on his wife's other side.

"You paid to get in here,sit on the table if you like." she says miserably,pretending not to notice Addison shake her head warningly at him.

"Maybe I will." he laughs. "When's the dancing?"

"You dance,Shepherd?" she scoffs.

"No."

"Yeah you do,when you're drunk." his wife giggles.

"So do you."he returns. " Did you know,when we were in our second year, Addison here-"

"Stop right there." she says, laughing.

"Why? It's a great story."

"It's time for the next thing. It's Callie's big surprise,so it's going to be good."

* * *

 ** _MEREDITH'S POV_**

A first dance auction. Only Callie would come up with this shit.

No wonder George liked her so much; she's as loopy as he is stupid.

And he is definitely very, very stupid.

He brought an intern as his date. Lexie's friend. So now Lexie is sitting with them,looking annoyingly pretty and sneaking glances at Sloan and avoiding Callie in general.

And the Shepherds are being all perfect, and she can't stop looking at them and Finn is being so perfect, and she feels like a guilty ungrateful bitch.

"You going up?" he asks quizzically, indicating the stage where giggly girls in floaty gowns are lining up.

She watches Callie chivvy Izzie and Addison and Cristina up onto the stage.

" No."

"Come on,Mer,get in the spirit. It's for a good cause."

 _Maybe I don't care._

It exhausting,sometimes, Finn's niceness. His ordinariness.

She has her mind made up for her when Callie seizes her by the elbow none too gently and drags her to her aching feet.

"You better bid for me." she hisses at Finn in passing.

He just smiles.

Some crusty rich guy outbids Owen for Cristina, which makes him rather pissy, but Richard keeps reminding the doctors not to spend too much themselves because that sort of negates the whole fundraising thing, then Alex loses Izzie to some trustee, Olivia the nurse ends up with a creepy looking banker, there's a very awkward pause before someone puts forth a bid on Debbie, and then it's Arizona, and Callie keeps out bidding everyone and a tennis match ensues,heads snapping back and forth as they look from Callie to the masked man who's the only one left in the bidding, Arizona growing steadily pinker, before the man gives up and lets Callie win.

There's a bit of a scuffle over Teddy,who looks ridiculously hot in her red ensemble, Bailey's husband manages to secure his dance with her, and then it's her turn.

"Thousand." Finn calls.

"Two." someone counters.

"Three."

"Anyone? Going once, twice-"

"Five." Derek says confidently,drawing stares.

"Six."

"Eight." _What are you doing,Derek?_

"Ten."

That's the highest yet.

"Eleven."Derek calls; it's just him and the guy in the gold mask now,and Derek's not letting up.

Oddly,Addison looks like she's about to burst out laughing, even though Finn looks furious.

"Twelve."says Gold Mask Guy.

"Going once, twice... , goes to the gentleman in the gold mask. Next up-"

Derek's laughing and slapping the man on the back, Addison is shaking her head, and when she takes the proffered hand,she notices he's very tall and has disturbingly familiar blue eyes.

"So, do I get to know your name?"

"Guess."he says teasingly.

"Have we met before?"

"No,or you'd remember me."

"Cocky."

"No,that's a terrible name." he says deadpan,and she can't help but laugh.

"Come on, the dancing's about to start and I'd like to know your name."

He gives her a half smile as he makes his way to the bar,and while she waits for him to come back she watches someone go head to head with Derek for Addison - who admittedly looks gorgeous - and lose when he goes above thirteen thousand, to Richard's dismay.

"Shepherd bid more than me? Damn it."her suitor says,back with their drinks.

"She's his wife."

 _How often do I say that to remind myself?_

"I would know that."

"Who _are_ you?"

"Come on,Grey,guess."

She drains her glass. "I'm drunk.I can't."

"Lightweight." he slides the mask off, raising his eyebrows.

"No idea."she says,scrutinising his unfamiliar face.

"No resemblance at all? To anyone?"

"Uh-"

"Hey Montgomery,what are you doing here?" Mark strolls up to them,grinning.

"Montgomery?" she asks.

 _Why does this feel like I've done it before?_

"Hello. I'm Archer Montgomery."her mystery man says,extending his hand. "You must be the dirty mistress."

 _Great. Just great._

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

"This is a very expensive dance." she says,taking Derek's arm.

"Better be worth it."he smiles, kissing her softly.

"You bet your ass it will be."

She spies Archer across the room, making Meredith squirm.

"Did you know he was coming?"

"Does anyone, ever?" he snorts.

"Why'd you set him up with Meredith?" she asks curiously.

"He can afford it."he grins, tugging her towards the dance floor. "Pay up, ."

"Oh, I intend to, ."

All in all, it's a perfect evening; twirling in his arms, she almost forgets that tomorrow,she will be on the stand.

 _Almost_ perfect.

Callie spins by, clinging to Arizona. "Where the hell are the Chief and Adele? Bor in people are looking for him."

"I don't know."she hisses the next time they pass each other.

She enjoyed planning the fundraiser; all she wants to do now is spend what's left of it with her husband,who is being extremely dreamy,and normally she wouldn't fall for it,but she now has the excuse of being hormonal.

She follows Callie reluctantly out of the room,shivering slightly in her thin gown without Derek's warmth . "Come on, Callie, were in a hotel full of beds,maybe they wanted to continue the party in private."

"Ew," Callie shudders."Did _not_ need that visual."

They peek into restrooms and closets,hoping fervently they won't walk in on anything gross, but nothing.

"Did they go home?" she asks, annoyed.

"Who?" Derek asks, coming towards them."Addie,what she you doing out here?"

"We lost Richard and some philanthropist dude wants to see him." Callie groans,sagging against the wall.

"Richard?" someone calls tremulously.

"Isn't that-?"

"Adele?" the three of them stare at each other and then at Adele, wandering down the corridor.

"Have you seen Richard? to you."

"Adele,sweetheart," she starts uneasily; the older woman seems sober,but her eyes are glassy and she's clearly disorientated.

"Who are you?" she asks,pulling away.

"It's me,it's Addison-"

"Is that Ellis? Ellis Grey?" she demands,and they track her gaze to the entrance,where Meredith is standing with Archer.

"Oh,thank god,Adele. There you are. Let's go." Richard sighs in relief, breathless and winded as he runs up to them.

"Richard, you asked _me_ here! Why is she here, Richard?"

"Who?" he asks,closing his eyes; for the briefest moment,he looks old.

" _Ellis._ "

"Darling,that's Meredith. Ellis' daughter."

"Do I look like a fool, to you?"

"Take her home,Richard." Derek says gently.

"It's fine,she's fine,just a little too much wine-"

"How long has she been like this?"

"She's _fine._ "

Derek glares.

"Few months," Richard sighs.

"Oh my god," Addison says weakly.

"Addie?"three voices ring out in concern,but she's not feeling sick. Physically,at least.

"Bizzy. Hello." Archer says pleasantly. "Sorry,Addie,forgot to mention mother dear was coming too."

* * *

 ** _So, please review, you know the drill._**

 ** _Also,if you've been reading my other fic,The End of The World, I've written an epilogue- but since I put 'the end' at the bottom of the last chapter, no one has checked or read it. It sort of completes the story and is an apology for the ending , which a lot of readers didn't like, so if you get the time, please head on over and give it a read!_**


	41. Chapter 41

**_Hi! Long time no see, I know._**

 ** _This is for all the people who've kept reading without losing faith in me._**

 ** _Thank you._**

* * *

 ** _JACK'S POV_**

He's seen malpractice suits before, no problem. Usually just grieving families trying for a little cushioning for their reality.

This is by far the wildest one he's ever had.

Damaged baby? Check.

Damaged baby number two? Check.

Sordid surgeon love triangle? Check.

"Why the hell did you take on the second case?" he hisses, leaning into Addison as she stares into the distance.

"Because-"

"Don't give me the _I was their only chance_ spiel."

"Then you get nothing." she whispers back, and returns to staring.

"When do we leave?" Meredith Grey asks ,twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

"Half an hour. Same as when you asked half a minute ago." Mark Sloan grunts.

"Don't be mean." Lexie Grey snaps.

"I wasn't talking to you." he snaps back.

Argumentative surgeons? Check.

"All set in here?" Richard asks cheerily, popping his head into the conference room.

Addison doesn't even bother to swivel her chair around. "Richard, don't let Nicole Herman take over my department."

"I won't need to. Good luck, everyone." and he beats a hasty retreat.

"Addison, I'm really good at my job." he says, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"That's what I said about myself, and look at me now."

 ** _.._**

"You didn't tell me you were famous."

There's a bunch of people outside the courtroom door, craning their necks.

"Oh, god." she groans.

"Hello, Addison."

"Hello, Bizzy." she turns to him. "This is my mother."

"I thought you were staying in your room this morning." she says to the blonde woman through gritted teeth. "Not following me around."

"Well, since I flew three thousand miles to see you, thought I might as well be here. "she says airily. "Really, Addison, your brother and your father have never been in this sort of a mess. It's always you, isn't it."

" _Really,_ Addison." Mark intones behind him.

"Well, seeing as the Captain teaches and I write books, what Addie does isn't really the same." a man with dark reddish hair says, taking Bizzy's arm. "How about we go get some coffee."

"Why are they here." Addison asks Derek, who seems to be shaking with laughter.

"Not my fault. She turned up at home after you'd left, heard about the trial and I couldn't stop her." he says.

"Well, just keep her out of my hair."

"It looks great." Amelia pipes up, winking at him.

"If you're all here, who's at the hospital?" he jokes, rolling his eyes.

"Are we late? Cristina, I told you to hurry up or we'd be late , now they're not going to let us in and Mer will be alone and -oh, hi. "

"Hello, Izzie." Meredith says, sounding equal parts relieved and resigned.

"Gang's all here? Let's go, then." he says.

 ** _.._**

"She's okay,right?"

He's referring to Addison, who looks coldly impassive on the stand.

"Yeah, that's just her Montgomery face." Amelia assures him over the back of his bench, sneaking a glance at Bizzy to make sure she won't be overheard.

"It'd be nice if she showed some...emotion."

"Emotion? Addie? Nooo." the man who seems to be her brother chuckles. "Not in public anyway."

"Shut up, Archer." Derek says calmly; the prosecution is looking askance at them.

"...and nothing but the truth." she says, her voice clear and carrying as she takes her hand off the Bible.

"That's probably the first time she's touched one since she was sixteen." Archer snickers.

"State your name and occupation for the record, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

He sits while she runs through her credentials, doodling on a legal pad. Addison's just a witness. Meredith is prime accused. So why does he get the feeling that-

"You are married to Dr. Derek Shepherd?" the prosecutor is already on her feet, a tiny blonde called something-or-other Nolan. He's heard she's sharp, but never worked on a case she was involved in before.

"Yes."

"And he also works at Seattle Grace?"

"Yes."

"So does Dr. Meredith Grey?"

"Yes."

"So you and your husband are attending neonatal and neurosurgeons, respectively, while Dr. Grey is a first year resident?"

"Yes." she looks faintly annoyed.

"Just laying down the facts." the lawyer says lightly. "Is it true that your husband and Dr. Grey were involved romantically?"

 _There it is._

"Objection." he says. "Hearsay."

"Not unless she can prove it." the judge says mildly. "I'll allow it."

"I have witnesses prepared to testify to that effect." Nolan says. "Although if Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd answers my question..."

 _Don't don't don't don't_.

"Yes." Addison flushes a dull red, and he feels Meredith shift beside him.

"There you are, your honor. And is it also true that this was while you were married?"

"Yes."

"And is true that..." she pauses now, for dramatic effect. Bitch. "...that you were involved with Dr. Mark Sloan?"

 _Straight for the jugular_.

He can't help but admire her,though.

"Yes." Addison looks very pale now, and he can hear Derek exhale loudly in the second row.

"Also while you were married. Just confirming."

"Yes."

"And that day, it was you, Dr. Sloan, Dr. Meredith Grey, and Dr. Lexie Grey - who, incidentally, your honor, is Dr. Meredith Grey's half sister - in that OR?"

"Your _point_ , attorney." the judge says testily.

"Yes, your honor. The point is that, in my opinion, there were decisions made on a personal basis in that OR."

 ** _.._**

"Is she even _allowed_ to do that?" Derek demands, running a hand through his very enviable hair.

"It's her job." he says patiently, imagining how it would feel to wrap his fingers around Nolan's throat and squeeze.

Bridget. Her name is Bridget.

"Well, I thought she was on trial for malpractice, not adultery," Archer says lightly, blackberry spinning in his hands.

"Shut up, Archer." they all say in unison.

 ** _.._**

Meredith is considerably more emotional on the stand, if anger can be counted as an appropriate emotion.

" , you were the one who inserted the nasogastric tube that resulted in the perforation?"

"Yes."

"Do you consider yourself qualified to perform this procedure?"

 _Nice._

Meredith hesitates ever so slightly before she says "Yes."

"And yet, you caused a potentially fatal complication-"

"Objection," he yells again. "It wasn't fatal, -Shepherd was able to-"

"I'm questioning Dr. Grey," Bridget cuts in smoothly. "Not Dr. Montgomery."

"I'll allow it."

"So, Dr. Grey. You agreed to perform a procedure that you consider yourself qualified to perform, yet it resulted in a _potentially_ fatal complication. Do you consider yourself capable of fixing that complication?"

"No." she says firmly. "But I'm just a resident-"

"Yes or no, please Dr. Grey."

She looks positively venomous now. "No."

"So if not for Dr. Montgomery, little Thomas Brandon would not be at home right now, would he?" she asks, eyes glittering.

"No." she whispers.

"That's all, your honor."

"Court will resume tomorrow at ten am sharp."

"What the hell?" Karev explodes as they step out of the courthouse into pouring rain. "Why's that chick gunning for Meredith now?"

"Because if she can implicate her, the hospital will have to pay up, and she obviously thinks it's a bigger fish than Addison."

"And if she does?" Amelia asks, gripping the handles of her purse.

"Seattle Grace is over." he says bluntly.

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"So what happens tomorrow?" Addison is asking Jack, worrying at the edges of her sleeves.

He sighs, glasses drooping on his nose as he peers at a scrawled-on legal pad. "Tomorrow, I'll have the Brandons on the stand. Nolan will probably call on Sloan and maybe Lexie . The jurors get to hear them out. And if it goes like it should, they'll shut themselves up in a room, drink bad coffee, vote, and deliver the verdict."

"No pressure, then." she laughs shakily.

Archer shoots her a look. "Come on, Addie. You're a Forbes Montgomery. You'll be fine."

"Shepherd," he reminds his irascible brother in law.

"Whatever." he waves his hand. "You remember Whit Redford, his father's the State AG in Connecticut, he went to law school with your Russell-"

"Excuse me?" Meredith raises an eyebrow. "You're saying that-"

"-She's a Forbes Montgomery." Archer says coolly. "What about you?"

 ** _.._**

"All rise for the Honorable Judge Russell..."

Mark looks cool and confident on the stand; if he didn't know better he'd swear he's giving Nolan his best McSteamy face.

In truth, that's also his _I'm concentrating_ face. He can't help it.

"Dr. Sloan, you are an attending plastic surgeon at Seattle Grace?"

"I also specialise in ENT and otolaryngology." Mark smiles briefly, and he suppresses an urge to sneak a look at the female jurors.

"Yes or no,please Dr. Sloan. So what would you say you do on a daily basis? Are surgeries like this one par for the course with you?"

"No."

"So why were you there?"

"I grew a flap," he explains, and Lexie sighs, "of the baby's skin. To cover the defect."

"And you assisted Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd as she attempted to repair the damage caused by the nasogastric tube?"

"Yes."

"And what sort of surgeries do you do on a daily basis?"

"I specialise in facial reconstruction, I might do a few liposuctions, a rhinoplasty, couple of skin lifts."

"Nothing emergent? No sudden complications, hemorrhages?"

"Not on a daily basis,no," he grins. "Plastic surgery is pretty safe."

"So while I don't doubt you're an excellent surgeon well capable of managing any emergencies that may arise during a routine surgery, you wouldn't be the first choice to repair a gastric perforation, would you."

"I did pretty well, if I say so myself...but no. I wouldn't."

"Could anyone else have done it?"

Jack objects on the grounds that her line of questionin is starting to become irrelevant; Judge Russel warns Nolan to cut to the chase.

"Fine. I'll rephrase- were any of the surgeons in the OR that day except for Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd capable of repairing that perforation?"

"No. The rest of the surgeons there were residents, I doubt their capability to -"

"So someone else _could_ have done it, just not someone who was there at the time. Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd could have called for help? She didn't need _you_ , surely, to help her perform a surgery you yourself admitted you are not well versed with?"

"I never-"

"But you just said you wouldn't be the first choice, Dr. Sloan. "

"I-"

"Why we're you there all along Dr. Sloan? Surely you're a busy man, your own service, lots of surgeries? You could have come in later, when everything was over, to place your skin flap. Wouldn't that be the most efficient way for a busy surgical department to function?"

"I scrubbed in because-"

"Because Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd asked you to? Why do you think she did that?"

"Objection," Jack snaps. "She's leading the witness."

"Three strikes, Nolan." Judge Russell warns.

"Sorry, your honor. So, Dr. Sloan, did or did not Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd ask you to scrub in on the surgery?"

"No."

"Then why were you there?"

"I was there because I wanted to be," he glowers. "The skin flap needed delicate handling and I wanted to be the one to do it."

"But you didn't need to be there _throughout_."

"No." he admits.

"Why'd you stay?"

"Sometimes we scrub in on friends surgeries, just to-"

"So you stayed because -Shepherd is your ... _friend."_ She somehow manages to make the last word sound suspect.

"Yes."

"So you see," she says triumphantly. "Decisions _were_ being made on a personal basis in that OR."

And as she turns to the judge and the jury exchange glances and murmurs, she catches Jack's eye. And smiles.

"The prosecution rests, your honor."

* * *

 ** _So I'm not a lawyer. I'm a broke med student. If any of you ARE lawyers I beg you to forgive me my (probably many) legal inaccuracies ._**

 ** _Next chapter up ASAP._**

 ** _Writers block has been temporarily beaten, but reviews speed my recovery. Just saying._**


	42. Chapter 42

**_It has been an actual eon since I updated this, so read first, talk later!_**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"Oh dear, another one?"

"It's not like I asked for it." Addison huffs, folding sunny yellow wrapping paper into increasingly tiny squares.

"It's...nice." Bizzy says, smiling bravely.

"Of course they are, I bought them." Mark grins, bouncing into the room carrying more boxes. "Derek, where do you want this stuff?"

"In the trash," Addison mutters, fanning herself with the folded paper.

"Addison, be nice." Bizzy reprimands. "And you should get a start on some thank you notes."

He moves into the corner where Mark is slowly stacking boxes wrapped in pastel and cartoon charactered paper, hoping to be as far as possible from the explosion when it happens.

"You bought my children Mariners onesies?"

"We live in Seattle." Mark reminds him.

"Which is your fault."

" _Your_ fault."

 _"Yours."_

"Shut up," Addison hisses. "And help me with the stupid notes."

"No way." Mark grunts. "You got the gifts, you write the notes."

"Gifts I didn't ask for at a baby shower I most definitely didn't want." she snaps, causing Bizzy to look up from her book.

"It's not like you have a job or anything, dear, you have lots of free time to write to everyone."

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

Well, Bizzy is a lot of things, but boring is definitely not one.

He watches Addison breathe deeply and paste a smile onto her face before she turns to her mother.

"I _have_ a job."

" _Had_ would be a better word." Bizzy sniffs. "Until you got the hospital closed down with your...indiscretions."

"Man, get in there before one of them attacks." he mutters to Derek, who is lounging against the far wall, gradually sliding towards the doors so he can escape.

"I might not have a job either but I want to live."

Thankfully, Bizzy sets her book down - with a bookmark in it, no cracked spines or dog ears for her - and trots out of the room when Susan yells for her.

"Why won't she leave?" Addison seethes, glaring at a corduroy teddy bear.

"She's your mother," Derek says soothingly, massaging a tense shoulder. "And she loves you."

"Oh, I know she _loves_ me." she snorts. "So much that she thought it would be a good idea to ask me if this much weight gain is _normal_."

"You're not fat." Derek says immediately, rolling his eyes at him over her head. "You're six months pregnant, you're allowed to-"

"Look fat?" she says, dismayed, patting her stomach. "Come on, you can say it."

"If you're fat I'm a hippo." Callie groans, easing herself down next to her on the couch and offering her a sticky looking drink that she refuses.

"Good idea. Virgin cocktails are like some bitter reminder of what you can't have," she laments. And then drinks it anyway.

"You're due practically any day," Addison says cheerily.

"I know that. I hope my vagina is mentally prepared." she pauses for a moment to ponder just how ridiculous that sounded. "Hey Derek, you're the neuro -"

"No." he says, burying his head in the back of the couch.

" _You're_ having two," she rambles, poking Addison in the shoulder. "Which means-"

She stops short at the looks on the Shepherds faces.

"Anyway," she says hastily. "Two means you can each name one and not argue about it."

"Oh, we argue about it." Derek assures her.

"Derek, we are not naming our child Derek Jr." Addison says firmly. "We don't even know if we're _having_ a boy, and I don't think your daughter would be very happy with that name."

"But if we do.."

"No."

"I happen to think Derek is a fine name," Carolyn says, dropping onto the other end of the couch. "Addison, you should give it some thought."

He coughs loudly to cover the choice expletive Addison utters under her breath.

They're the Three Musketeers after all; all for one and one for all.

* * *

 ** _CALLIE'S POV_**

God, Addison looks ready to kill someone. She's a good friend, so she takes the redhead by the elbow and tugs her out onto the deck under the pretense of getting some air.

"I'm glad I don't have to deal with Mark's. Or Arizona's. " she says when they're seated comfortably, staring out over the water as the sun sets.

It's just cool enough out here, the scent of rain on the breeze, something woodsy and piney and smoke from the firepit.

Say what you like about Shepherd- he has good taste in houses.

"None of us have had to deal with Mark's mother in at least a decade," Addison says. "Not since...med school?"

"Mine is worried I'm going straight to purgatory because of this." she pats her stomach, feeling the baby flip. "Oh, and also the gay thing."

She must have caught the expression on her face, because she reaches over and places a hand beside hers, smiling when the baby taps against her hand.

"Derek goes all gooey when they do that," she laughs. "I caught him reading surgical journals to them the other night when he thought I was asleep."

"Mark thinks it's going to be a soccer player."

Or a tap dancer. God knows it's had enough practice on her bladder.

"How's Arizona?"

"Total baby fever, she's nesting and she isn't even the one who's pregnant."

They laugh at that, and it must soothe the baby, because it settles down.

"You do realise you can't keep calling it _it_."

"Well... I kind of like Sofia, for a girl, which Mark thinks it is... but by the way it's draining the life out of me it's a boy and I'm naming it Gavril."

"After Ilizarov." she explains when Addison looks horrified.

"Callie."

"I'll think of a name when I see it, okay?" she shifts a little. "And I have a lot of time...not like I'm employed any longer."

"Sorry" she says after a short silence, where Addison looks away and she debates whether or not to apologise. It's not _entirely_ her fault that the whole hospital has been-

"Addison, there you are." Richard grins.

Why is he so calm?

It's almost like he _knows_ something.

* * *

 ** _RICHARD'S POV_**

It took forever to get Adele to put on a dress and brush her hair, and another age to remind her who Derek and Addison were, and to explain why they're supposed to be going to their house... but when she did remember, she got thoroughly overexcited about the babies and insisted on stopping for gifts on the way over.

Which might not have been a good idea, judging by the look on Derek's face when he saw the extra boxes, but it made her happy and she hasn't been happy in... a while.

And that's mostly his fault, so Derek can just suck it up. These are his pseudo-grandchildren, after all.

"Chief!" Torres grins. "You made it."

"How's Adele?" Addison asks, looking a little too closely at him.

"She's great," he says as enthusiastically as possible, and Torres looks at him strangely.

Okay, maybe he should tone it down a little.

"I'm going back inside, see if Arizona's done yet," she mutters, hauling herself to her feet. "I'm sorry, Ad, but I'm-"

"Exhausted? I get that," she says, still looking at him. "Go on - Callie, you sure you're fine?"

Torres looks a little unsteady on her feet, one hand on her lower back. He's about to reach for her when Sloan bursts through the door, all bluster and bravado, apparently having seen through the glass.

He leads her back inside, Addison watching until they disappear from view.

"She's not due until next week and first babies are always late," she's say saying. "But maybe I should-"

"Stay where you are." he orders. "You're officially on leave."

"I can't be on leave if I don't have a job." she reminds him.

"That might not be the case much longer-" hesays, only to be frantically shushed as they hear footsteps.

But it's only Adele, wandering towards them, beaming at the sight of Addison.

"Look at you!" she's gushing, flinging her arms around her. "You glow."

"Mostly I sweat." she jokes, but she does look - glowy.

Not that glowy is any use to him in his favourite surgeon.

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S_** ** _POV_**

"Tired?" he asks sympathetically.

"No," she snarls. "I'm a bundle of joy and happiness, Derek, can't you see?"

No, he can't.

But she's very pregnant and very tired and presumably very annoyed, and very cute at the moment, standing there struggling to yank her shirt over her belly, so he smiles and goes over to help her.

"Thanks." she says grudgingly when he's tugged the shirt down and kissed her on top of her head. "And sorry, I'm just-"

"Maxed out on patience?"

"Bizzy's here." she points out. "That's a given."

"And my mother." he muses. "Sorry."

"Don't be, your mother is actually keeping mine occupied- which means she isn't in my face all the time." she snorts. "Would you believe she told me I'll resent the stretch marks."

She grins at the look on his face. "Oh yeah, stretch marks. Among other things."

"You're still beautiful." he assures her.

"I'd better be, seeing as this is all your fault."

"I don't recall you complaining at the time."

"I don't suppose I did," she smirks, sliding under the covers. "But I'm complaining now."

"You don't even have stretch marks yet."

"But I _will_ , and then you'll-"

"Love them too," he says, hoping he doesn't sound unbelievably corny.

But he doesn't care about the stupid stretch marks anyway; this, right here, grumpy pregnant Addison with the prospect of the perfect family, is all he's wanted.

He just took his sweet time to realise it, and now that he has, well, nothing is going to stop him from finally enjoying it.

And he's about to say all this to her when he realises she's already fallen asleep with her head on his chest, so he ducks his head to say it to her belly instead, resting a hand on it, counting the little fluttering kicks as their children settle down.

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She's drifted off to sleep, her head pillowed comfortably against Derek's chest, when she's woken by one of them deciding to try a somersault.

She keeps her eyes shut when she realises he's murmuring soft words to her stomach, touched and amused at the same time.

She lets his words wash over her, lulling her back to sleep, and it seems to be working on the twins too, because they settle down at the sound of his voice.

Does she deserve this? This husband, who looks at her with his eyes soft and warm, who trusts her implicitly, who believes in her - does she deserve him?

If he knew what she was keeping from him, would he look at her the same way?

It's for his own good, she reasons as his hand traces vague patterns over her skin. What she doing is for him and for her and for everyone else affected by what she - and Meredith - did.

He'll see it in the end.

He has to.

But in the meantime, her heart is heavy and her throat constricted every time she looks at him. Or at any of them, really.

Maybe if she told him -just him, no one else, she'd feel lighter.

She's just about to turn in his arms, hope he'll see the lie in her eyes and ask her about it when her phone vibrates on the nightstand and she feels him arch over her body to grab it.

"Addie, phone," he's shaking her gently. "Wake up."

She pretends a few seconds longer, letting him squint at the screen.

"Addie it's Mark, why the hell is he calling at this hour-"

She clasps the phone to her ear, cursing Mark in her mind. He always has the worst timing.

But what he barks into the phone has her on her feet in an instant, heart racing.

Talk about timing.

* * *

 ** _I'll admit I wrote this a long time ago, and then it rained and my phone got wet and deleted my files and then I was lazy and now here we are._**

 ** _This is my first ever fic, my Addek firstborn, and along the way I've learned to pace my self, how to wind a story a bit tighter, how to not ramble... so although this is ridiculously long and pointless at times, we're coming to the end._**

 ** _Three, maybe four chapters more, an epilogue...and we're done._**

 ** _Which begs the question - sequel? I've thoroughly enjoyed this fic, it's like an alternative slightly-happier Grey's for me and I've vicariously lived out a lot of stuff I would have liked to see on the show. And I'd love to do a sequel, so if you're interested..._**

 ** _Also, baby names! I'd love to hear suggestions - boys and girls both._**

 ** _And don't forget to review, please._**


	43. Chapter 43

**_Hi people!_**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"Congratulations."

Mark looks exhausted, but happy - wildly, insanely happy - leaning against the cool glass window of the NICU.

"Thanks man."

He's known this man since they were in kindergarten - there are embarrassing naked photographs involved- he's been beside him for almost all the major milestones that mark his life.

Amy's birth. His father's death. First crushes. First actual girlfriends. High school. College, med school. His wedding, and the end of his marriage.

And now Mark has a kid. And he's about to have two. It seems fitting to have him by his side, and yet...

He wonders if Mark is thinking of what _might_ have been. In New York. If Addison had kept their baby.

If _she_ thinks of what might have been, when she watches him hold his daughter.

"She's doing great," she whispers, sinking down beside him and he slides an arm around her as Mark darts into the NICU as soon as she's done. "She's really beautiful, isn't she?"

He hums in agreement, watching his friend through the glass, a tiny finger curling around his.

"Addie..."

"Hm?"

She's looking at him expectantly, dark rings under her eyes, and suddenly she smiles, pressing his hand to the swell of her belly, and he feels himself grinning when a tiny foot flutters against his palm.

"Nothing."

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

When he was younger, when the Shepherds took him in, he'd felt a little overwhelmed by the love that swelled and overflowed in their home; he didn't understand how a group of people linked by blood only as much as his own family could love each other so much.

Now he understands, looking down at all eight pounds six ounces of his daughter, her tiny finger wrapped around his own, dark eyes unfocused, swiveling across his face.

"She looks like Callie."

Addison's standing in the doorway, a hand on her abdomen, smiling slightly as Sofia kicks the air.

"Which is a good thing - I've seen your childhood photos," she teases, stepping closer as she unwinds her stethoscope from her neck.

"Shut up," he says, but he seems to have this grin plastered on his face for about two hours now and the effect is somewhat lost.

"I hope one of yours looks like you, and one looks like Derek." he says seriously after she's taken it out of her ears. "But I hope none of them get Derek's hair. If it weren't for hair products.."

"Excuse me?" Derek says, miffed, looking comical in a crinkly pink plastic gown. God, he probably looks the same way.

" I like your hair." Addison says loyally as Derek leans over Sofia's isolette.

"Hey Mark, she looks like Callie. Lucky kid."

"You two are horrible friends." he says, as they shoulder bump each other, laughing silently, and it feels like finally, everything might be okay.

 _ **..**_

"Come on, you've been on your feet all night-" Derek is saying, fishing in his pockets for keys, and he feels a bit guilty.

But he wanted the best for Callie and the baby, and Addie is the best.

So when she gets that familiar stubborn look on her face, he's equal parts worried and relieved.

"I'm staying."

"Addison."

"I don't trust the nurses here, and -"

"Addie, it's Seattle Pres, not some third world clinic. You can come back in the morning-"

"Callie hasn't come round yet, I want to be there when she wakes up, I need to monitor the baby, Derek, you know that."

"He's right," he interjects, and she glares at him. "Go home, com back when you're rested."

"And leave them with who?" she hisses, earning herself a very annoyed look from a nearby nurse. "It's not our hospital, Mark, I don't know who I can trust for this sort of thing."

"Well, they'd be in our hospital if you hadn't-" Derek shuts his mouth just in time.

"Really? You want to go there? Because if I recall correctly, it wasn't _all_ my fault."

It was hard enough getting the Chief here to sign off on privileges for Addison ; he hopes they aren't going to risk them by having a yelling match in the hallway.

Then again, they probably are. Idiots.

"Okay," he says hastily as Derek opens his mouth. "Addison, you stay, and I promise I'll watch her."

"I'm not a child." she splutters, as Derek mulls this over.

"Fine - but I'm staying too."

* * *

 ** _CALLIE'S POV_**

She feels all floaty, like she's in a pool, but it's warm and dark - really dark - and there's something that keeps niggling at her, something she needs to check on. A patient, maybe?

No, she doesn't have patients anymore. None of them do.

Except...Addison.

Oh god.

She remembers Mark's face, white and set, wheels rattling under her, his voice clipped and fast talking to someone she couldn't see, Arizona's hand clamped around hers, a awful terrible unending pain -

The baby.

Addison calling orders in the OR, so familiar except this time she's the one looking at the ceiling as needles slide bright and shiny into her skin, lulling her to sleep as she tries to say something and then Addison's leaning over her - _it's okay Callie, I've got this_ \- and then she can't remember anything.

Her baby?

She tries to lift an arm but it's impossible, it just lies there heavy and limp as she tries to reach down to her midsection as she has so many times these past months, reassuring herself that her child is just fine.

Terror lances through her, white hot, and she feels a cool hand on her forehead.

* * *

 ** _LEXIE'S POV_**

She loves Mark Sloan.

She's sure about that.

She hasn't been, a lot of times, but now she's totally sure that she's sure.

The thing about Callie being pregnant and she potentially being ...stepmother? to a child was terrifying, but now, looking at the way Mark looks at that baby, she's starting to realise she's made the right decision.

"Hey," she says softly.

"Hey yourself." he beams. "I'm a dad."

"You're a dad."

"And we're-" he looks hopeful.

"We're okay."

They're okay. They might have no jobs and their hospital might be all but shut down and she might have signed on for something she's utterly unprepared for, but they're okay.

She feels his lips press against her hair as he speaks. "About Boston-"

"Not now, Mark."

"We can't be okay if you're in Boston."

"What's holding you here?"

"The baby."

"Mark, plenty of parents live in separate states, and Sofia has three - for gods sakes, we can make it work."

"I need to be here."

"Doing _what_? You've had offers from Boston too, I know you have, we could-"

"Leave everyone behind? These people, Lex, they're your family, as much if not more than mine. Your sister lives here. Your parents are here-"

"She's my _half_ sister, and she's not family."

"Don't be that way, Lexie."

"I _begged_ \- literally begged - her to love me, and then she did even if it was to shut me up, and then she goes and does something like this, so selfish, Mark, all those people who lost jobs and who lost the medical care they need and-"

"She made a mistake," he says , looking uncomfortable. "Come on, Lexie, hold out. Just a little longer, we'll find something in Seattle."

" _You_ will, you're like a hotshot plastics guy, Mark! Me? I'm an intern, I'll be lucky if _anyone_ wants me, especially after I got dragged to court too."

"Just hold out a little longer, Lex. I've got a ...feeling."

And either she's going completely loco or Mark Sloan is hiding something.

Again.

* * *

 ** _CALLIE'S_** ** _POV_**

When her eyelids finally listen to her and stay up where she wants them to be, the face that swims into view is Addison's.

"Welcome back," she grins, and then Arizona's lips are pressing into her cheek and Mark is hugging her until Addison whacks him on the shoulder.

"The baby," she rasps, looking around. They look happy, no tears, no sideways looks, so everything must be -

"Great," Arizona chokes. "She's great."

 _She's_.

"A girl?" she looks to Addison for confirmation and she nods, pulling up pictures of a tiny wrinkly creature on her phone.

"I need to see her."

They exchange looks then, and it worries her.

"Guys?"

"You went into labour, Callie, you had a placental abruption. I was able to repair the defect, but you've lost a lot of blood, you've had major surgery, you're not going anywhere."

"And Sofia?"

"She's all right, a little trouble breathing at first but she's tough, I just want to monitor her overnight in case she has an apneic spell."

"Wait-" it dawns on her slowly through the fog of drugs. "If all three of you are here, who's with her?"

"I'll go." Mark says immediately, but there's the tiniest of glances between them that remind her exactly how long they've known each other and he sinks back down.

"Actually, Arizona, you're the baby doc, could you-" he says, and there's something more than concern there that apparently Arizona doesn't pick up on because she gets up, dropping a kiss on her forehead before she leaves.

"You losers better have a good reason for lying to my girlfriend." she says once the door creaks shut.

Stupid Seattle Pres.

"What time did Jack say he'd be here?" Addison asks Mark.

"About now."

Isn't Jack the lawyer guy from the trial from hell?

The one who couldn't stop Meredith Grey from selling out the whole of Seattle Grace?

Why would he be here at - she peers blearily at the clock - three thirty in the morning?

"Why is Jack coming?"

"To hit you up for-"

The rest of his words are drowned by a voice crackling over the overheads.

 _Code Blue, NICU._

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

He's woken by an unfamiliar voice blaring over the PA system, _Code Blue, NICU_ , and as he reaches instinctively beside him he comes up with a handful of rumpled sheet.

How is it that his extremely pregnant wife managed to sneak out of this very narrow very creaky bed and he didn't even notice?

And then it hits him - Code Blue in the NICU.

He wanders down the warren of hallways, stopping when he sees Mark arguing vociferously with a nurse, who seems to be trying to stop him entering the NICU.

"Dammit, I'm a doctor too-"

"And you're her father, Mark," he says firmly, yanking him back and mouthing apologies at the nurse, who has had to put up with his hormonal wife and exhausted best friend all in the same shift. Poor thing.

"Sit the hell down and stop yelling, you're distracting Addison."

 _Who is currently reviving your very tiny daughter_ he doesn't say.

"Addie doesn't get distracted." he mutters, but he sits anyway.

He supposes its true, she's managing not to be distracted by Arizona flapping around her head. And Lexie pressed to the glass.

He peels her off and deposits her beside Mark, watching closely to make sure neither makes a run for it.

They don't, moving only when Addison comes back out.

Looking rather pleased with herself, he might add.

"She's fine," she declares before they can start talking. "Just got a little tired oof breathing, happens sometimes with babies like her. We'll be watching her closely-"

"Addison-" he tries to cut in. She's been up all night, performing risky surgery. He's starting to be more than a little concerned about her right now.

"Is now not a good time?"

 _What is Jack doing here?_

It's been a crazy night, but his sister's maybe-boyfriend showing up at a hospital none of them work at - or, at this point, are particularly welcome at - is the craziest so far.

"We could do it in the morning," he's saying, looking around at their flushed faces.

"No," Addison says hastily. "There's no time. Mark-"

She looks right past him to Mark; he was blocking him a little bit to keep him from diving into the NICU or something similarly stupid, and Mark nods, sidestepping him swiftly to follow her and Jack down the hallway...to Callie's room.

And he's still standing there.

* * *

 ** _Like I said, we're on the final countdown here, but I will 99% be doing a sequel, as time permits, because I'm in love with this AU; it's where I write what I wanted to see on the real show, and it's oddly comforting._**

 ** _Even though I chuck in a fair bit of angst._**

 ** _Anyway, please review, and keep the baby names coming!_**


	44. Chapter 44

**_Okay, so I don't think many of you have read the last chapter - for whatever reason, it never went to the top of the page when I updated it, so you might want to check that out before reading this one._**

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He's in a room with two hormonal women, a lawyer, his girlfriend and he's not sure which of them is the craziest.

Because this is crazy.

There is no way that they're suggesting what he thinks they're suggesting.

Because that would be crazy.

He really needs to come up with a better adjective, but he's not a very complex mind and what with having become a father and a maybe-trustee in the last few hours, his mind is mush.

A fact which Addison repeatedly informs him of, poking him viciously with a pen as she tries to get him to shut up.

"But we have to!" he says again.

"Stop _whining_." she snaps.

"Addison!"

" _Mark_."

"Could you two please behave like actual adults who have actual children?" Lexie sighs.

So that's one more thing Addison was wrong about - she's not a toddler.

"Sorry," Addison says sheepishly. "I'm just really tired."

"Maybe you should go home." he says quickly; the last thing he needs is a worried Derek busting in here.

Callie nods in agreement, but Jack raps his pen against his glass.

"Rome wasn't built in a day, guys." he says archly. "Have some patience."

"It's not like we're building a hospital, just buying one." Izzie says, looking confused.

"Same difference."

* * *

 ** _JACK'S POV_**

"How much do you think a hospital costs?" Lexie muses, sucking on some of Callie's ice chips. "Like, fifty million?"

Mark snorts derisively, and she looks a little hurt.

"Seventy?"

"How much do you guys make?" he asks, rolling his eyes. "Multiply that by like five, add in the debt this place is balls deep in and ..yeah."

He turns to their resident trust fund brats. "How much do you two feel like coughing up?"

Addison seems to find this an opportune moment to come over all polite, and it takes a little wheedling to get the details of her mostky-intact twenty five million dollar fund out of her; Callie is delightfully brash and comes up with twenty, Sloan volunteers two, and Lexie asks to be excused.

Which leaves them about ... seventy million short.

"I'm telling you, we need to bring in a third party investor," he pauses before the next sentence. "Or more of you guys."

"Like I was saying," Mark looks at Addison, who looks uncomfortable.

"We can't ask them to take risks like that," she protests. "It's not exactly a safe investment, it involves administrative duties the likes of which they've never done before, the reason for the hospital going bankrupt is a lawsuit _we_ were implicated in... we can't ask them to do that."

"I wasn't in the lawsuit." Callie points out.

"We're hitting you up for money," Addison explains. "Also you're my friend and I want you on the board."

"Gee, thanks."

He's not sure he wants to work here if they _do_ run the place.

"I've been talking to Richard, and the existing board," he cuts in. "They've found a buyer who's interested."

"Who?" Addison asks warily.

"Pegasus."

* * *

 ** _RICHARD'S POV_**

He's been at Seattle Grace for over two decades. And if there's one thing they pride themselves on - it's ingenuity.

The kind of miraculous, groundbreaking, historical procedures that appear in headlines.

And selling out to Pegasus... is all but a death sentence on that sort of thing. He tries and fails to imagine any of his star surgeons fitting into Pegasus' protocol-bound world and almost laughs aloud.

Well, at least the resulting showdown should be entertaining.

He's just outside Torres' room - God, Seattle Pres has nice flooring - when he sees Derek lurking at the end of the hallway.

"Shep?"

He looks caught out, trying to shuffle away, and he drags him back with a glare, feeling rather like a high school principal.

"Why are you lurking?"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are-" he frowns, realising what's going on. "Where's Addison?"

He stares at him for a second, clearly debating whether or not to come clean. "In there."

"And why are you here?"

"She's in there with Callie and Mark and Jack and Lexie and they've," he swallows, looking like he might reconsider. "They've locked the door."

He should definitely have been a high school principal. Same job description.

"Open the door," he yells.

And even though it's a hollow threat, he adds "Or I'll fire you all."

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

Mark opens the door to admit a curious looking Richard, who's holding a large teddy bear for the baby, and Derek, wearing a large scowl.

"What are you doing?" he asks while Richard fussed over Callie, getting rather gooey over the pictures she shows him of Sofia.

"We're...discussing things." she says carefully. It's a given that they need more contributors if they're hoping to save themselves from Pegasus... but she's not sure if she's ready to ask Derek for that sort of a commitment.

Or maybe she's just not sure he'll give it.

"Discussing things." he repeats, scanning her face intently. "What?"

"Okay," Jack clears his throat. "Since we've got the boss and another potential...contributor in the room, I'd like to lay it all out for you guys."

 _Contributor?_

Addison suddenly looks very uncomfortable, leaning away from the arm he was resting on her shoulder.

"You basically have a week to come up with seventy million before the Pegasus deal goes through."

"A hospital," he says, feeling like the world's largest idiot. "You were buying a hospital- and not telling me."

"Like she said," Jack cuts in, a little too smooth for his taste. "It's a huge-"

"Yeah, a risk, I heard." he says, and he can't help the slight sneer. "You weren't telling me about it, though?"

"I was going to, eventually," Addison says, talking very fast now, like she's afraid hell cut her off. "When-"

"When it was all done and you'd already left me out of it?" he demands, irritated by the way they all seem to be in on it.

And he's on the outside, looking in.

"I was going to tell you." she says again, quieter this time, and he feels a pang of guilt.

She _is_ right. In a very small way. And it's not like it's too late.

"Like you told me about what you did in New York after I left?" he says, but only in her ear, and he feels her stiffen next to him as the rest of them offer up relieved smiles at his reaction.

"So you're in?" Mark says brightly. "Cool."

He puts up two million, which he knows isn't much but it's better than nothing.

And not everyone is born with silver spoons rammed down their throats.

It's not like he hadn't known about the trust fund when he married Addison. But it's never been much of an issue, they've built their married lives from the ground up, and not once has she complained, even in their early years as mostly-broke residents.

And now it's just another widening in the chasm between them, that gap they've mostly closed over the last year but he can feel it stretch open just a little now - and judging by the way she's refusing to look at him after his admittedly cheap shot a few minutes ago, so is she.

"That leaves us just sixty eight million more," Jack grins widely, speaking in an exaggeratedly cheerful voice that grates on his frayed nerves. "Check the couch cushions, people."

"Oh, but you forget." Addison says beside him, shifting a little so she's no longer touching his side. "I'm not the only trust fund brat in the family."

* * *

 _ **So this was a short little chapter, a kind of goodbye present because I won't he updating for at least a week.**_

 _ **And I'm really trying to wind this down neatly - before I hit sixty chapters or something.**_

 _ **Theas time I updated there was a rather disappointing number of reviews, which I don't mind since its summer and you should totally be enjoying it, but pleeease take the time to review, because I have no idea if people have stopped reading/are bored/have summer fever.**_

 _ **I am, however, doing a sequel, which will be up lord knows when. But I'm doing it.**_

 _ **Please review and let me know what you think of it!**_

 _ **PS. I updated Empire State of Lost Minds, which also did not go to the top of the page and as a result has like three reads in three days. This site hates me. Go read if you missed the update.**_

 _ **Love you guys, see ya next week!**_


	45. Chapter 45

**_For luvaddek, who reminds me to update._**

 ** _.._**

 ** _(Warning: This has been written in 28 minutes. Please excuse any typos/ language that doesn't sound American/ weird gaps where the site likes to swallow random words to irritate me.)_**

 ** _.._**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S_** ** _POV_**

"You didn't tell me."

"I didn't know if we could pull it off."

"That's not the point, the point is that you didn't tell me."

"I _told_ you why, Derek, for God's sake, it's been nearly a week, just...drop it, okay?"

Drop it? This isn't something he can _drop_. It's too big and too heavy and too sticky to drop, it's all over him, he can't let go.

"What if I wanted to help?"

"You did," she points out, not unfairly. His bank balance certainly proves it.

"But you didn't tell me."

"But you knew."

"Because I walked in on you having a ...secret meeting, or whatever. You didn't tell me, I found out - there's a difference."

"I was going to tell you," she says exasperatedly. "When I told everyone else."

"I'm not everyone else, I'm your husband."

"Jack didn't want us telling people until it was finalised, if word got out and we couldn't get the funds together, we'd have lost the Pegasus deal too and then we'd really be screwed."

"I don't care about Jack, I -"

"Hey, Derek," Mark pokes his head around the door, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Could you come out here a minute?"

He gives Addison one last look, the look that for nearly twelve years has meant _we're not done here_ and follows Mark into the nursery.

"Something -oh." he says, sniffing and immediately deciding not to breathe. "Crack a window before we suffocate or something."

"Can't, it's raining and Callie will kill me if the kid gets pneumonia or something," Mark says nervously. "And then she'll rip her stitches and then Arizona will kill me."

"She can't kill you if you're already dead." he reasons, diving for a fresh diaper. " _What_ did you feed her?"

"Hurry up, they'll be here any minute." Mark says feverishly, grabbing frantically at a row of tiny pink and white bottles on the changing table. "Wait..glove up."

"Seriously? It's a baby's diaper, how bad can it - Jesus. Glove."

He pulls the gloves Mark hands him over his hands, the latex snapping against his wrists and the sound is so familiar he's almost back in the OR again. Where he hasn't been in way too long.

"Wipe." Mark commands, and he hands him one, rethinks, and pulls a whole tuft of them out of the box.

"Diaper."

He passes him a diaper, opening a window as soon as Sofia is wrapped up in one of her many blankets.

They're supposed to be having a meeting, to discuss the fact that they are now essentially trustees. They own the hospital.

 _They_ being himself, Callie, Addison, Mark...and Archer.

Addison's trust fund was never really an issue, it was mostly a slightly ridiculous matter that was in the background. The differences between them were more pronounced at first, her cold moneyed childhood at startling odds with his solidly middle class family of six, but over the years he pockepocked up a few of her habits, she mellowed, and neither of them mentions it.

Except that he can't not mention it when she decides to casually buy a very large hospital.

Anyway, she has. He's on board. Might as well go the whole hog and let Jack talk about whatever it is he's called them here for.

"How's it going with you and Addison?" Mark asks as he tries to keep the blanket from slipping off his daughter's flailing feet. "You were pretty pissed last week, -"

"How's it going with you and your father?" he asks before he really thinks about it. Mark gives him the kind of look he normally reserves for particularly stupid interns and hands him the baby.

"Get her to Callie, would you? I'll be right out, I need to...scrub."

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

He hands Sofia off to Derek, watching like a hawk to make sure he supports her head. Like a real father would do.

Not that Derek's not good with babies. He is. The combination of his freakishly perfect hair and a cute baby in his arms is enough to make any woman swoon, a fact that Derek not only figured out but got good use of back when they were in college.

It's just that recently, since he spoke to his father... he's been trying extra-hard to be the best one he possibly can for Sofia.

Not that his father set the bar particularly high; leaving your eight year old at home while you go on a series of dates with increasingly younger women wasn't considered great parenting even in the pre-helicopter-parent era.

But he had the Shepherds. His foster family.

He'd been hell-bent against it, the idea of touching the obscenely large trust fund his father had set up for him. He hasn't spoken to him in years, not since...

It's been a while.

It's been even longer since he's thought of his mother, ages since he's had that little snippet of memory that shines brightest in his mind; a soft hand on his four -year-old cheek, a whiff of perfume, a sparkle of earrings, _good night dear_.

It was Lexie's idea, in the end. She was raised right, that girl, like Meredith says. Smiley posters and parents with rules. Parents who care. She's naive enough to think that everyone has that kind of family; she says that he should _reach out._

So he is. The problem is that his father is probably too drunk to reach back. Too drunk to have noticed the sizeable chunk he took from his fund. To return a single one of the phone calls he made last week.

Sixteen, to be exact.

* * *

 ** _CALLIE'S POV_**

"There you are," she says. God, she's got to stop that goo-goo baby talk. It's not good for either of them.

It's just that she's _so adorable_. And also Arizona hasn't spoken like a normal adult since her birth.

Derek settles Sofia into her arms, smiling involuntarily at the sight of her in little pink pj's and a knit hat with cat ears.

"I wish I could hold her." Addison scowls. Derek looks nervous.

"You can't," Archer informs her needlessly. "You're the size of this house."

"I _know_ that!"

"So stop whining about it." he tosses back, looking entirely unconcerned about the fact that his sister is spluttering with rage.

"Stop reminding me about it!"

"I don't need to, it's obvious."

"I'm thinking of bribing them to be born early," Derek whispers in her ear. She almost laughs, but then stops herself because she's not entirely sure he isn't joking. "Right now would be okay, as long as she stops trying to kill everyone."

"Have some shame." she hisses back. Addison's her friend. And she doesn't like Shepherd, not really. "You're not the one growing two humans who like to dance on your bladder and kick you in the ribs."

"What are you talking about?" Addison narrows her eyes at them from her spot on the sofa opposite.

Okay, maybe Derek has a point.

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

She wishes Jack would just hurry up and get the damn thing over with so that she can crawl back upstairs and not have to look at another human.

Her temper is notoriously shirt these days, her nerves frayed thin; just this morning she nearly reduced Amelia to tears when she yelled at her for using all of her shampoo.

Why can't she just get her own damn shampoo?

And _Derek._ He keeps trying to be two people at once, the doting, anxious father-to-be and the carping, annoyed husband. The two personalities go together about as well as oil and water, with the result that he keeps bringing her endless (useless) glasses of water and (unrequested) foot massages while whining about her hospital takeover bid like a toddler.

And he has no idea how exhausted she is. Just this morning, one of the twins - the one who's camped in her ribcage- woke her with a high kick that wouldn't have been out of place on a cheer squad. She was convinced she'd dislocated a rib. Derek was convinced they were giving birth to a future soccer star.

Not that giving birth is a couples activity. It's basically her shoving their children through a very small orifice while Derek flits about with a video camera and says useless things in her ear.

She realises she's being bitchy. It's just that...it feels so _good._

Especially when her back is aching like it is now. She'd give anything for a back massage - except she isn't going to say that in front of Derek, or he'll offer her one and take the opportunity to talk her ear off about how she should have _let him in_.

She did! It was a bit late, okay, whatever.

And Archer. Having him here is like a constant reminder of her early childhood, before he left for school and she followed him a few years later; constant bickering, teasing, and merciless leg-pulling.

She wonders how Bizzy put up with them. And then remembers that Bizzy wasn't exactly big on parenting.

Derek is looking at her oddly; she must have winced when she shifted her weight..

"What?"

"You okay?"

"I'd be okayer if they stop kicking me," she manages, although her back is what's bothering her. "Jack? Can we please get this over with?"

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"They can't even come up with a name for their kids." Archer rolls his eyes. "You want them to name the hospital?"

"Come on, guys." Jack pleads. "It'll be a fresh start. New name, new identity. Leave behind all the negative images the press has conjured up at the trial. You'll think of something."

"Montgomery." Archer says immediately, even as Addison glares at him. She looks really uncomfortable now, but he doesn't say anything; she hates having attention called to herself.

"No way." she says flatly.

"We're the majority shareholders!"

"I'm a Shepherd."

"She is," he says, pleased, slipping an arm around her shoulders, enjoying the sight of Archer fumbling for a retort. He frowns at her when she bends over a little.

"Don't laugh," Archer says, annoyed. "It just makes sense."

"No it doesn't." Callie butts in, bouncing the baby a little as she fusses. "It's nepotism."

"You'd have to chuck Sloan in there too." Mark smirks. "Shepherd-Sloan-Montgomery-Torres is a bit of a mouthful."

"Why am I last?" Callie demands.

"Why is Shepherd first?" Archer asks.

"Are you all _insane_?" Jack wants to know.

"Addie, _what_?" he finally yells over the din. She's still bent over, her hand in his shaking.

If she says she's okay one more time, if she reminds him that _she's_ the OB...he might have an aneurysm.

As it is, he has one anyway, because when she puts her other hand on his knee to steady herself as she straightens up, it leaves a dark print, screaming louder than her thready voice.

"Addie?"

There's a heartbeat where everyone stares at the stain on his knee, wicking it's easy through the soft fabric, blurring into a shapeless mass until it almost doesn't look like her hand anymore. And then it breaks when she gives a small whimper of pain, everyone snapping out of trances, jolting into frenzied activity.

"All right, call an ambulance-"

"Someone call Fields-"

"Robbins? Is Robbins on call?"

"Get Bailey in the ER-"

She's saying something, her lips moving close to his ear as he holds her, but he can't hear her over the shouting and the rush of blood in his own ears.

"It's okay," he whispers, hoping that's what she was looking for. "You're okay."

* * *

 ** _To the eagle eyed reviewer who pointed out that Mark is also a trust fund baby - you're right. I never felt he had the best relationship with his family, something I want to (maybe) go into. You know. In the sequel. So I let him deliberate over it a bit._**

 ** _And since Grey's has never had a single character give birth without enough drama to shame a theatre company, I'm going the same route._** ** _Although I'm not quite so ruthless. Or am I?_**

 ** _Review to make me update faster so you can find out!_**

 ** _Also, last call for any baby name suggestions._**


	46. Chapter 46

**_Thanks to all my reviewers - especially mandyg67, who's on a roll!_**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

In the end, everything goes the way it was supposed to. The ambulance pulls up just as they get her out of the front door. Bailey is waiting in the ER, Arizona gowned and gloved in a trauma room. Everyone knows what they're doing.

Except him. He sits frozen by her side in the ambulance, one hand clutched in hers, one hand holding the oxygen mask gently to her face.

He racks his brain frantically, trying to remember the last thing he said to her. It must have been in the bedroom, this morning, while she was getting dressed. Something about the hospital, about Jack, about what she should and shouldn't have done. He tries to remember if he told her he loved her, that morning or last night or any time since last week. The last time he felt their children move inside of her - he rests a hand on her belly now, next to her own, her pale fingers knitted tightly in the fabric of her shirt. Nothing.

"BP's sky high," the EMT mutters, leaning past him. He stares at the numbers on the little screen, knowing that they signify something but he doesn't - can't - remember what. They shouldn't be like that, but he doesn't know why.

He watches them draw blood, intubate, poke and prod, all the things he sees done to other people day in, day out.

"Derek, get out." Richard says, not unkindly. This isn't their hospital, these aren't their people. Unfamiliar hands and unfamiliar faces surround his wife, Bailey and Arizona bobbing on the outside, circling, pressing in.

"Derek."

Mark's voice is soft, unlike him. It's disturbing. Nothings the same. He's never sen Mark look like this. It surprises him enough that he allows himself to be led out into a narrow hallway, sat on a chair. Water pressed into his hands, spilling cold into his lap.

* * *

 ** _ARIZONA'S POV_**

Derek looks about as bad as Addison when Mark takes him by the elbow and pulls him away like a child. Which is saying something.

She saved Callie. She saved Sofia. This woman is the reason her family is alive and healthy, and now she's supposed to be saving _her._

Life is weird.

"Can't get the line in." a moonfaced intern is puffing, and she tears the needle from his loose grip before his attending can say anything. She can feel the other woman's eyes burning into her as she slides it home, blood spurting into the tube.

She's young, probably a first year attending. Cocky. Oversure.

"We've got blood." someone reports; she looks up to see red staining the inside of the tube that's breathing for her.

"Suction." Bailey orders. No one moves.

Bailey glares. A nurse meekly hands her the tube, backing away quickly as she goes to work. The canister fills quickly, even as the unfamiliar attending tries one last attempt to regain control.

"You have no privileges here."

" _You_ have no brain." Bailey snaps.

Bruises bloom wild and purple across her skin, blood trickling into the IV lines. Blood in the ET tube. The fetal monitor jerks irregularly, heartbeats slowing down, no contractions. Blood pressure sky-high.

The attending is yelling about a c-section, demanding a scalpel, snapping on gloves.

"Stop."

She feels every eye in room on her, including Bailey.

"Robbins, they're in distress." she whispers. "Those babies are coming out _now_ or never."

"You cut her and she'll bleed to death." she snaps back. "You can transfuse her all you want but it's going to run out."

"Ten-blade."

She's done it before she thinks, stepped forward to grab the other doctor's wrist.

"Heparin."

The other woman jerks away, looking incredulous. "She's bleeding out and you want to give her _heparin_?"

She doesn't want to. She _is_. She's about ninety percent sure she isn't killing Derek's entire family here...but if she's right she could be saving all three.

"DIC." she says shortly. "Look it up sometime."

"I ordered labs!"

"And they'll all be dead by the time your results get here," she retorts, finding the injection herself. "Move."

"You don't know it for sure."

"If I'm right-"

"If you're wrong she's going to bleed internally," the attending is practically shrieking now. "Don't do it."

"Do you have a better diagnosis for this?" Bailey pipes up, indicating the blood seeping from every puncture site. Her nose. Her mouth.

"Everything second we waste here is increasing the risk of losing them all." she warns.

"So let me do the C."

"Dose her with the heparin first so she doesn't bleed out."

"It could kill her if it isn't DIC."

"And if it is, she's dying anyway." she snarls, and she pushes the plunger down on the syringe before she can stop her.

* * *

 ** _BAILEY'S POV_**

The look on Robbins' face when she pushes the heparin is terror and determination mixed together, her jaw clenched, eyes screwed shut.

Derek's eyes on the other side of the glass are wide, blank with horror. She pulls the blinds closed.

They had a whole birth plan. Well, Addison did. Derek mostly just nodded and went along. Before the mess of the trial, it was supposed to be at Seattle Grace. Her favorite most trusted nurses, Arizona, Fields. Teddy Altman. Bailey herself. Derek.

No visitors until after, she'd ordered strictly.

And now she's in a trauma room in a hospital they don't know, some random hack with a scalpel poised above her.

She hesitates. Just a second.

That's how long it takes Robbins to step in and snatch the blade from her limp fingers.

"I've done, like, a million of these." she says, her hand pivoting downward.

Sometimes, she really wishes she weren't so...perky. A little more _serious_ would be good. The spurned doctor looks completely horrified as Arizona slices confidently, a nurse stepping up automatically to sponge away blood.

So much blood. The air is heavy with the thick copper scent of it, her gloves are sticky with it, the floor closest to the table slippery.

"Laps." Arizona orders, and she joins the nurse, pulling out pads soaked through with blood just as soon as they're put in. Is it her imagination, or is the bleeding worsening?

"Robbins-"

" _Wait_ for it, Bailey." she singsongs. "Retract like you mean it." she directs to the pale -faced doctor who has finally unfrozen herself from her spot three feet away.

"It's a _boy_." she announces, her voice as chipper as it would have been in any other situation. "Someone tell Derek!"

* * *

 ** _MARK'S POV_**

"You have a son." a flushed nurse informs Derek, sticking her head out of the tiny room. "Dr. Shepherd?"

"I'll take care of it." he tells her, trying to see around her. He can hear Blondie inside, her voice cheery. It must be going well.

A boy. Derek has a son.

"Hey." he shoulders him. "Derek?"

"It's my fault." he keeps saying. " I wouldn't let up, I wouldn't drop it, she's been so stressed this last week, and-"

" _Derek_." he says firmly, shaking him. "It's going to be okay, man, come on. It's a boy."

"What?"

He resists the urge to roll his eyes, refraining because he was probably even worse when Sofia was born. "Your kid. One of them, anyway, it's a boy."

* * *

 ** _RICHARD'S POV_**

"He's perfect."

It's the third time he's said it, but it's the only thing that seems to get through to Derek.

"His Apgar was nine." he says again, fiercely. "Hers was only five."

"They're taking care of her." he reminds him, joining him at the window to stare at the tiny girl entwined in tubes and wires. "They said she's strong."

"Addison," his voice cracks. "She hasn't woken up."

"She's lost a lot of blood, and the surgery was traumatic. Amelia is with her, keeping an eye on her."

"I can't remember the last thing I said to her." he says. He looks suddenly much younger, the way he looked a decade ago, scalpel in hand, his first surgery. Scared and nervous. Determined.

"She knows you love her."

"I didn't say it." he chokes. "I didn't say it, and we have a son and a daughter she hasn't even seen, Richard, she might not wake up and our daughter-" he geatures helplessly to the isolette.

"They need names." he decides. _And you need to take your mind off things._

"Addie likes Carson." Archer sniffs. He's been here all along, staring at the baby in his brother-in-laws arms.

"We crossed that one out a long time ago." Derek shudders.

"He looks like a Carson."

He has a headful of dark hair - Shepherd hair, Amelia crowed - and his eyes, when he opened them, were the exact color as his mother's. A tiny red mouth, pursed with indignation at being born a week early, a surprisingly loud wail, flailing little pink fists, little socked feet.

"Definitely not." he agrees with Derek.

"Go see Addison," Mark urges. "You know she'll die of shock if you name them without her."

* * *

 ** _AMELIA'S POV_**

"Shouldn't he be in the nursery or something?" Archer asks, eyeing the baby as Mark holds him after Derek leaves. He looked so exhausted when he showed up in Addison's room that she left him there, half leaning on the bed as he sat beside it.

"Kid's covered in surgeons no matter where he is." she snorts. "It's all right."

"I'm not a surgeon." Archer says, sounding hurt.

"Well, it's not like you've held him." Mark raises an eyebrow. "Come on, Archer. You're living in Seattle now, you're going to see them all the time."

"I'm not...good with babies." he says finally. "I barely held Addison when she was little. More than Bizzy, anyway."

She's the baby of the family, and then when they grew up her sisters were understandably reluctant to trust her with their own children. She can't remember the last time she held a baby.

Not since it was her own baby.

"Can I?" she asks Mark, and he actually makes her sit down before he puts the squirmy bundle in her lap.

"He's gorgeous." she sighs involuntarily, stroking a tiny hand. Would her baby have looked like this? The same dark hair? The same nose? Or would he have looked like his daddy?

"Amy." Mark says quietly. The nickname startles her, and the jolt wakes the baby, who makes a soft snuffle. She stands up, walking to the end of the corridor as she rubs the tiny back.

"I'm fine." she tells him.

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

Five pounds, eight ounces. That's how much their son weighs.

Four pounds nine ounces is how much their daughter weighs.

So why does he feel like an enormous weight is crushing him, pushing the air from his lungs, rooting him to the spot?

"He has your eyes." he tells her, the skin of her cheek smooth and cool under his palm. "So does she, Addie, they're beautiful."

He thinks of his daughter, not quite as long as his forearm, dark lashes curling against flushed cheeks, almost hidden behind the mask on her face. Her tiny feet, bruised from the heel sticks. The rise and fall of her chest, the size of his palm. The way she grabbed his finger.

Their son is bigger, stronger. He recalls the twin who practically kicked Addison's rib out this morning and wonders if he was the one. But he's still so small, his face turning a furious red as he refused the bottle he tried to give him.

"They need you," he whispers. " _I_ need you."

* * *

 _ **I just had to make it a girl and a boy. And I realise that Addison keeps ending up in the hospital in most of my stories.**_

 _ **Anyway, the names are all planned and will be revealed in the next chapter...which will be up as soon as you REVIEW** **. Please?**_


	47. Chapter 47

**_Did I update fast enough?_**

* * *

 ** _TWO WEEKS LATER_**

* * *

 ** _ARIZONA'S POV_**

"No, not that one, the other one."

"This one?"

"No, the one with the thing."

"This one has the thing!"

"The other thing," Addison hisses, shifting their son in her arms. "For her hands."

Derek rummages through the bag again, coming up with a lilac onesie with soft little covers for her hands; Addison nods in approval and he starts through arduous process of dressing his daughter in it.

It takes everything thing she has not to go over and help; he's painfully careful, which means he's also slow.

"Derek," Addison says. "We're going home today."

"I know that."

"Not at the rate you're dressing her."

"She so -" he pauses for a moment, placing his hands over her tiny ears like she might be offended. " _Small_."

"Great things come in small packages," Mark says sagely, emerging from the bathroom, dabbing at a large wet spot on his shirt. "With large quantities of spit-up."

"Sorry about that." Addison mutters.

"It's fine," Mark replies breezily. "I'm used to it by now."

Derek's finally gotten the onesie on, added socks, a cap, and is now swaddling the baby in an adorable knit blanket she's not sure she'd trust around an infant.

"Bizzy," Addison says by way of explanation. "She wants homecoming pictures."

"She won't be getting any if you guys don't hurry up," Amelia says, stomping into the room. "I've got the car in front, so whenever you're ready."

They all pause for a moment, admiring the babies all strapped into their carseats in identical outfits. They stare back, Amelia snaps a quick picture on her phone, which breaks the reverie, and they're off.

She steps behind the wheelchair the hospital has coerced Addison into, wheeling her down the corridor behind Derek and Amelia, who are carrying the twins.

The nurses coo over the babies, blowing kisses, and they look slightly relieved to see the back of Addison, a fact that doesn't escape her notice.

"You'd think I was some kind of Nazi." she grumbles.

"Oh, you were worse," she says cheerfully. "Doctors make the worst patients, and all that."

"I barely feel like a doctor." she says as they approach the doors of the hospital. Outside, Mark is helping Derek with the several million straps attached to the seats. "You haven't even let me see the hospital yet."

"You gave birth, had major surgery, lost half your blood volume and were out for two days," she says firmly. "Renovations are the least of your worries."

"I hope it stays that way." she says, hoisting herself out of the wheelchair, grinning at Derek. "Let's go home."

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

It's quiet in the car when they pull up to the house, so quiet that he can hear the engine ticking. He turns to look at Addison, who's turned in her seat to look at the twins, sleeping angelically in the back.

"Addie?"

"Hm?"

His voice is thick when he manages to get it to work. "I love you."

She smiles quizzically at him, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "I'd love you more of you told me I'm not seeing what I'm seeing."

"Oh, you're definitely seeing it." he groans. "I'm so sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" she asks, sliding out of the car, wincing slightly as she hits the ground. "Archer's the one who should be sorry."

There's a large banner stretched above the front door, _Welcome Home Michael_ _and Annabeth_ emblazoned on it in dripping red letters. The effect is horrific, like blood dripping down the white fabric he recognises as one of Addison's beloved insanely-high-thread-count sheets.

Archer is standing below it, Amy by his side, both of them grinning maniacally, waving cameras.

Addison's frowns, squinting slightly in the bright sun. "Wasn't Amelia _just_ at the hospital before us?"

"Yeah."

"The driving better not be hereditary," she warns, scooping their daughter out of the car. "You hear that sweetie? No driving like daddy. No driving drunk...no driving till you're sixteen, actually. And no drinking, _ever_. Oh my god, Derek, -"

"Jesus, Addison, let's just get them in the house first."

But- "That goes for you too." he whispers to Michael for good measure when Addison's out of earshot. "Okay?"

* * *

 ** _ADDISON'S POV_**

There were late nights in college. Med school was worse, night bleeding into day before she realised it, internship was the next level, coffee fuelled and jittery, residency was one exhausting day tripping on the heels of the one before.

But she has never been as bone-deep, all-consumingly _tired_ as she is now.

Even her hair hurts.

She says as much to Derek, who is flopped across the end of their bed, one hazy blue eye staring at her as she nurses Michael, head resting against the headboard.

"So-" he starts, the word stretching into a yawn. He could have been saying anything; _so what?_ "-rry." he finishes. "I didn't think I could _be_ this exhausted. I mean," he gestures to Annabeth, sleeping between her outstretched legs and his chest with her arms flung wide. "How can two tiny people be so demanding?"

"They're your kids."

"She looks like you." he points out. "And she's the screamer."

"True." she shudders. She may be tiny, but she has a pair of lungs that have woken up everyone in the house. Repeatedly.

She watches Derek run his fingers through her reddish curls, making them stand straight up. She opens her eyes, waving a fist languidly, and he backs off, hands raised.

"She's not a bomb, Derek." she chuckles.

"You're not the one walking her up and down the hall for two hours straight." he whispers. "Well, you're also the one with staples -"

"What did I tell you about talking about the staples?" she winces. "Here, take him. He's done. I'll walk her-"

"No way." he drops a kiss on her head, carefully sets Michael in his bassinet, and picks up Annabeth, who is making a noise like a kitten. This noise turns into a full-throated shriek in about three seconds flat.

"Look, one hand." he grins, and she can't help but smile at the sight of him in an ancient Columbia t-shirt, sweats, hair sticking up and falling in his eyes, a red-faced baby in the crook of his arm.

She wouldn't mind if this lasted forever.

* * *

 ** _FOUR_** ** _MONTHS LATER_**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"It feels like it's been this way forever." Amy grumbles, yet another half full bottle tipping down the sink, which is full of dishes. He knows they need to be put in the dishwasher, the bottles need sterilising, there's a truly awe-inspiring mountain of laundry that needs doing, and a million other things.

Except nothing feels as good as the cool wood oloc the table against his cheek as he lays his head on it, still ringing from Annabeth's wails.

"You don't even live here anymore." he points out. "Shut up."

"I moved out yesterday," she counters. "God, I'd forgotten what it feels like to actually _sleep_ at night."

"Me too." Addison says, ambling into the room with Michael, snuggling contentedly. He's a simple, sweet little boy; all he wants is to be held. Tummy rubs are the highlights of his day.

Annabeth, on the other hand, at almost five months, is...willful. She smiles at her mother from the rocker in the corner, gumming a teddy bear. She wants to be held...for about three seconds. Then she wants to be rocked. Or walked. Or put in her swing. The problem is, they can't always tell which it is.

"Look at that," Addison sighs, sounding relieved. "She's smiling."

"Gas." his mother says. She flew out to 'see the babies' for the second time a week ago. Hasn't left yet.

Addison alternates between saying it's better than Bizzy, who hasn't shown up again after a fleeting visit when the twins were a week old, and glaring at him like it's his fault.

"She's smiling." Addison says firmly.

"All right, dear." his mother responds in the accommodating voice he knows infuriates his wife.

She bends in front of the rocker, cooing. "I bet you want to spend some time with Grandma, don't you?"

Annabeth eyes her speculatively, her mouth full of bear. He should probably pull it out; Addison throws it in the wash practically every day, but it's not exactly sanitary.

"I mean, I'm a neonatal surgeon."Addison is grousing while his mother unbuckles Annabeth. "It's not gas."

"It's not gas." he agrees dutifully, readying himself to get up as his mother gets to her feet and Annabeth opens her mouth.

And giggles.

"Did you hear that?" his mother crows excitedly. "She _laughed_. Didn't you, baby? Oh, you're just the smartest thing..."

"It wasn't gas." Addison says, looking inordinately pleased with herself.

"You need to get out of the house more." Amy says, shaking her head. "Your brain is rotting."

* * *

 ** _TWO MONTHS LATER_**

* * *

 ** _DEREK'S POV_**

"Michael usually takes seven ounces in the morning, around six thirty," she says, scribbling on a pad of paper. "Beth usually likes six. But she doesn't need to know that, right? I mean, we'll feed them before we go in. And then one of the frozen fruit things in the freezer, she'll have to defrost those, they're into apple lately, do you think she'll do it right? I mean, it can't be cold...Derek."

"Huh?" he splutters. He's been sorting through a stack of little clothes, trying to match up the elfin socks. Why don't they just make the damn things all the same color, he muses. That way if you lose one - where the hell do they go, anyway - you can put any socks on your baby and it won't matter if they aren't the same pair.

"I'm writing a list." she explains, rolling her eyes. "For the nanny? You know, since I'm going into work from tomorrow?"

Right. He's been going in since they were a month old, taking off early, only five days a week, but Addison's been home for six months. And it's starting to show - she's stir crazy.

Although, truth be told, he's not entirely convinced she should be - her blood pressure is still slightly higher than its hold he, Annabeth is recovering from a minor bout of wheezing that Arizona is still reluctant to call asthma and is sure she will outgrow, and Michael, poor soul, doesn't seem to particularly like being held by anyone other than his parents.

The nanny is an agency-find, highly recommended, with a slight British accent, fortyish, no-nonsense, capable, named Eleanor. He trusts her more than he trusts himself. Addison is convinced she's a dunce.

"It's only for a few hours each day." she frets. "I'll be home at one on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays-"

"And I'll be home on Tuesday and Thursday," he recites. "There's milk in the fridge. You've pureed enough fruit to feed a baby army. Sleep and feeding schedules are on the fridge. Along with that list of meds and the phone numbers of every damn person in the hospital."

" _Our_ hospital." she says smugly. "Don't you laugh at me, Derek Shepherd, it's not like you won't be calling the poor woman every thirty minutes to talk to them."

She emphasises the word _talk_ , a smirk playing at her lips. Last week, she was called in for an emergency surgery; he called the hapless babysitter every twenty minutes on the dot to see their faces. The twins thought it was hilarious, babbling at him through the screen. The babysitter, not so much. Addison thinks it's excellent blackmail material.

"Wrote down that she might want to put a leash on Beth," he says wryly as she wobbles past, little hands smacking the floor. Learning to crawl is her latest discovery, and she's delighted with it.

So is her brother, and while he isn't in any hurry to try it himself, he shrieks with laughter when she crawls back over to him and belly-flops.

They're all sitting on a spread mat on the living room floor, strewn with toys and sippy cups and small clothes, the papers he was working on, journals Addison was catching up on. They've been here for hours, it's past any sort of reasonable bedtime, but he can sense they're both reluctant to end the evening.

"Sometimes I think I could do this for the rest of my life." she says softly, scooping Beth up and kissing her rosy eczema cheeks, making her squeal. "Maybe just a few more weeks?" she asks just as he says "And sometimes you missed surgery so much you watch your old tapes."

"Better than cartoons," she laughs. "Right, love?" Michael smiles at them both. He's a sunny little boy, with a predilection for surgical tapes. It seems to calm him.

Nothing can calm Annabeth, who is now squirming to be set loose, immediately crawling off the mat and seizing a sheafof papers.

"No, Beth," he yelps. "Insurance papers don't taste nice."

She howls in protest when he takes them away, little feet kicking. Her voice is taking on that slightly hysterical edge it dies when she's tired, and he realises they've kept them up too long.

"I almost miss them when they're asleep." he says ruefully as Addison swoops up Michael, who's getting teary as his sister cries.

"They're like angels when they're sleeping." she says wondrously as he's leaning against the doorway of the nursery a half hour later, after baths and stories. She leans into him, soft and warm, and he presses his fingers into her shoulders, wound tight. She sighs in relief, and he kisses her lightly, turning her head.

"How about another one?" he whispers suggestively, and she laughs.

"Now who's the crazy one?"

"Admit it," he teases. "You want one."

"I do," she concedes. "Just...not now."

"Yeah." he agrees. "This is pretty perfect."

And to think it almost didn't happen at all.

* * *

 ** _The End_**

* * *

 ** _And that, my lovely readers, is the end of this loooong fic._**

 ** _I'm kinda in love with this AU, it's my hapoy place where I make all the things we were denied happen. So in love that I'm doing a sequel...if you want one._**

 ** _So please, review one last time and let me know_** ** _!_**

 ** _And thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for coming along for this insanely long, sometimes- crazy, angsty, fluffy ride._**


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